.:: Yolospat ::.

I have to say that I’m feeling better and better each day I get these pain pills out of my system. I don’t think I realized how horrible they actually made me feel. I have my appetite back, most of the indoor plumbing is working good, so things are looking up. I’m also getting excited for Spring to be here…why? Well, through trial and error it seems I have a bit of a green thumb. I have some blue wisteria vines I want to plant around the property so it snakes along the fence, the house, and the pine tree in the backyard. I have some other indoor plants that I want to get going here soon. I need to go get potting soil and stuffs. Paint. That’s another thing I want to do this spring. I want to paint my ugly green bathroom and the ugly golden yellow office. I’m going to paint the woodwork around the new windows an off-white or tope to match our new Window World Windows. I want to get the fence painted outside so it’s red to match the picket fence that goes around our whole property.

We have a few missing trees in the backyard due to that first snow storm of the year last October or November so I’m going to have to see what we’re going to have to do to fill in those now empty spaces. I’m pretty sure that I’ll find something.

The better I feel the more motivated I am do get some projects done. According to Disability I’m supposed to find comfort and happiness in something and to learn more about myself and experience life. Not roll into the fetal position never leaving the house…which I’ve done for the past 2-3 years (not the whole time, just the majority) and I’m ready to get back into society and do some volunteer work.

I recently volunteered to build a website for one of the local marijuana dispensaries when I noticed they didn’t have one. It’s something to keep me busy and something they can get for free. Win Win.

More tomorrow. I’m tired tonight.

I got up surprisingly early this morning at 7am bright-eyed and wide awake. I took my medication and watched some TV while my meds kicked in so I could start the day. We just got TV back after not having it for 6 months because it wasn’t something we could afford. Work is hard to come by here, damn hard, and Brendan has been struggling to find ANYTHING. We just recently got TV back (basic cable, no movie channels or channels higher than 120). I didn’t realize how unfamiliar with the world I had become. Sheltered is the word I’m looking for … so I’m very much enjoying being connected to society again. I’ve found that since we’ve gotten TV back I’m much more involved with life.

One show that just premiered Wednesday February 22nd called “American Weed” on the Discovery Channel talking about Colorado Medical Marijuana. The first episode featured Fort Collins as the topic of discussion and more specifically the medical marijuana dispensaries. For those that don’t know every single medical marijuana dispensary in the city limits of Fort Collins got shut down on February 14th because they didn’t want medical marijuana dispensaries to have public and visible “storefronts” like other retail stores. What’s so close minded about this is that California has pretty much set the standard of dispensaries and one little town like Fort Collins won’t “change” that. What they are doing instead is making some very sick people who have tried everything else trying to find some sort of relief from whatever they suffer from and literally taking the medication out of their hands leaving them to go back to suffering and having no meaning or quality of life. Are there people out there that are prescribed 120 Oxycodone a month that don’t really need it? Yes. Are there people out there that have a medical marijuana card that don’t really need it? Yes. The question here is, what harm is it? Oxycodone and other narcotic drugs are extremely addicting. Oxycodone is a synthetic form of heroin. Is heroin harmful? I don’t think there is any question about that. Are there people out there in severe pain that benefit from narcotic pain meds. Yes. There are also people out there that are tired of the side effects and the horrible withdrawal if you try to get off those pain meds. There is no withdrawal from marijuana, there is no liver damage, lung damage … zero damage. Benefits? Every single day marijuana is helping more and more aliments including the big C itself, cancer. There has even been some research that marijuana has cancer curing properties. Imagine, criminalizing the cure for cancer. That’s why marijuana prohibition has to stop. I hope that Colorado is the one that does that this November since it will be up for vote. The real heartless thing about all of this is all those dispensaries closed down, family business lost, thousands of people unemployed AGAIN, and Fort Collins Cancer patients who use medical marijuana to help with nausea and appetite and pain were faced with having 2 of their cancer drugs unavailable to them .. marijuana and methotrexate. Methotrexate supplies recently fell due to a drug company in the north somewhere being shut down.

I don’t understand how Fort Collins could vote for thousands of people getting laid off especially in this day and age and economy. These Fort Collins politicians are making a situation worse and honestly for those of us who have been hit the most by this recession we’re barely holding our heads above water. American Weed told this story about how come kids in middle school showed up with marijuana. When they further told the story (the real story) the story was as harmless as could be in the big picture but sad and tragic in the long run. A man was growing marijuana on the side of his house in his backyard on his property he owned. A few neighborhood kids went over and pulled a few leaves off the marijuana plant and took it to school with them. For those not educated … this plant wasn’t “flowering” .. it was still in the growing stage so what harm would have come to these kids had they happen to get their hands on a few fan leaves? NOTHING! Even if they were stupid enough to try and smoke it they would have gotten headaches at best because the actually marijuana plant is just that. A plant. It’s not the plant that is smoked but the FLOWERS of the marijuana plant. A marijuana plant doesn’t flower until it’s second half of life when it’s under 12 hours of sun and 12 hours of full darkness. Until then it’s in it’s vegetative state. Even then, if it’s a male plant it’s not going to flower at all so …. in the end the cops ended up taking this homeowner who had cancer to jail. Who wins in this situation? No one. Instead a man with one foot in the grave is spending his end days in jail. It’s wrong, just wrong. People need to be educated about marijuana. It’s been taboo for so long because society said it was bad. The hard facts however are hard facts. Just go to www.RxMarijuana.com and read one of the hundreds of patient stories on how marijuana has helped them. It’s not a bunch of high school kids smoking … I’m talking about it being given to kids for autism, autistic kids actually write their own stories on that site, people with seizers, depression, anxiety, ADD/ADHD, IBS, nausea, wasting syndrome, hundreds of aliments. That’s out of the mouth of patients.

Anyway, issues like this I get really fired up about. I’m pretty passionate about the medical marijuana movement here in Colorado and I think it’s a good thing and it’s helping out so many people. I’ve done my research that’s helped me form these opinions and I encourage everyone to research the facts and know the difference between a myth and fact. Alcohol is so bad for humans when used in excess killing thousands a year or more. There hasn’t been one single death in which someone died of smoking too much marijuana. Not one. The benefits are so numerous … it could save struggling farms by growing industrial hemp so we can stop deforestation and we won’t have to rely on all the chemicals they put in cotton these days for clothes. It gets even bigger than that…

I’m crawling out of my hole and I’ve been back in the world for a few weeks now. I was pretty much bedridden after my dear Neves died on December 23rd, 2011 due to a mixture of things. I was extremely depressed … I had just lost my cat that I’ve had my whole adult life, I couldn’t spend Christmas with Momma-D and Family, and around New Year’s my oldest sister goes bipolar on me with a tsunami of hurtfulness. So I went to bed one night and didn’t wake up until a month and a half later. I’m so far behind with email I’m about ready to hit the delete key and start over, so if you have written me and I haven’t responded it’s not because I don’t love you. Life in my corner just happened, mmkay? Maybe I will go through that email … if I concentrate on that I should be done in a week.

I have good news! I got approved by Disability! I feel so relieved. I’ve needed this help for years. I’ve only heard horror stories about Disability so I was very nervous going into the process. I was approved the first time around and it took 8 months from the first meeting with my social worker to the time he called a few weeks ago to let me know I had been approved. He said that I was the most well prepared client he’s every worked with. Momma-K’s mouth just about dropped to the ground when I told her about that. I’m about the most disorganized person I know but I do file when the piles get too big. It’s not hard to write down information or at least put it in your cell phone. Anyway, payments start in March. Brendan still hasn’t been able to find work so this is going to help out so much. My medication is really expensive too so this will really help. I can’t get on Medicare until after 24 months of being on Disability so I’ll have to have my own health insurance until then (and probably afterwards too, sigh).

I have a few projects I’ve been wanting to work on lately and I’m just pulling my resources together to see how doable my idea is. I’m not sure I’ll get into it here but I’m about 80% sure I’m going to open that pandora’s box. It’s nothing bad or horrific. It’s actually a really good thing and it’s helping me feel better.

Now that I’m on Disability (fibromyalgia, depression, scoliosis, ADD, and asthma. haven’t added thyroid problems to the paperwork yet because I’m still trying to get on the right dose of thyroid meds) I don’t want the label as being disabled. My heart and mind work just fine..it’s my body that’s giving me fits.

I’m on a schedule now and that’s really been helping. I usually get up between 8-10am and go to bed before midnight..most nights. I’m in a process now of weening off my pain meds and that’s been hard in all aspects. I hate the way the pills make me feel and I want to find alternative ways of dealing with the pain. I don’t nap in the afternoon and I’ve been cooking a lot more lately. I even make Brendan sit down with me at the dinner table to eat dinner. We’re re-organizing everything and making a spot for everything to go. I’ve been experimenting with different cooking recipes and so far I haven’t burned anything. YET!

I plan to break my hiatus and do a 30 blog posts in 30 days to get me started again.

How much more sad does it have to get before this country opens their eyes that our own fellow American’s are dying because they can’t afford to get their teeth fixed. My biological Father died when he was 36 years old from an abscessed tooth because he couldn’t afford to have it fixed. That’s two Father’s this world has taken away from me, and it all has to do with health care, or lack there of, in this country. Watch the Documentary “Sicko” sometime. It brings out the dirt on health insurance companies and how many people die on their watch because they are trying to make a dime off of the lives of people.

For those of you who are blessed with health insurance more often than not dental insurance isn’t ever an option or if it is the insurance company would pay for a cleaning or a routine annual checkup. Anything beyond that and it’s out of pocket. Depending on your economical status and the ability to pay those higher prices for the gold and silver packages of health insurance when millions of American go without each and everyday. Would it be so hard to pay a little in taxes if we could be reassured that we would be taken care of if we ever got ill?

The last 2 years have been a huge change for me when it comes to my attitude about money. I was always able to make enough money to live comfortably all my life until I got sick. If I wanted to go to the store and pick out a candle just because it smelled good I’d do it without thinking twice about it. These days I drink store brand soda and I jump at any chance someone says “free food” .. my luxury this last year has been buying books on my Kindle and now I’ve even stopped doing that and trying to find some good free ones online. There used to be a time in my life I would have items such as the new Kindle Tablet or iPhone 5 or iPad2 on pre-order (if they had that option) and sure, I couldn’t splurge on as many dinner’s out to eat but it usually all worked out. Now I have a pile where I have Brendan put the coupon value pack when we get it in the mail. From transitioning from the lifestyle of feeling financially secure to not knowing where your next meal will be has been one of hardest transitions I’ve ever had to make in my life.

I’ve just recently lost the last of my really good digital camera’s on my trip to Wisconsin and I had $100 of birthday money so I got myself a Flip phone. Right now I’m relying on my iPhone as being my only still motion camera and it’s just .. cumbersome. I know that I can’t go to the store and get a new one. I still haven’t been able to replace my Digital SLR since that live at the bottom of Glenmere Lake now and it’s been nearly two years since that’s happened. Taking pictures along with my many other hobbies has been art and photography. Not that I can’t afford my art supplies I don’t have my camera to turn to either. And I can’t just go to the store to pick up something new, not because it was the hottest thing on the market, but because I’ve never been in this position before. I even pawned my iBook after I came home from visiting Darci to get money due to unexpected bills. I’m hanging on by a thread and I losing those things that I used to be able to do that made me happy and I used to feel so inspired and creative.

I hate how much money is so woven into our society and into our lives. Those days of me getting the latest and greatest have been over for 2 years now. I’ve been giving it serious thought about doing a garage sale, it’s just the time and effort that would have to go into doing it. I have another avenue too that might be opening up that poked it’s widdle head over the horizon recently.

So much has happened in the last month. I have also been asleep for the majority of the last month but that I’ll explain later.

Brendan arrived in his Penske moving van on July 2nd. I drove to Platteville and met him at the cemetery so I could finally introduce him to my Father. We had planned this ahead of time. When he called letting me know he hit Brighton I was so full of energy. I bought this house a month after we got divorced with the mild hope that one day we could share it together. It’s been a big house for just the one of me (and the kdis of course) so the excitement of coming full circle, this year of dream after dream coming true, I was shining. When I was about 1/2 mile from the cemetery he called me letting me know he arrived. I stayed on the phone with him until I could walk up and give him the biggest hug, holding him, holding onto home (oxygen tank in tow). I won’t get into the introduction between Brendan and my Father because it’s one of those memories that is so meaningful one tends to cherish it selfishly.

We headed toward Greeley in a follow-the-leader fashion, me in the lead. I told Brendan about the road system in Greeley so he would start getting an idea. It’s really easy. Streets run east/west, ave’s run north/south. All the streets are numbered and run in chronological order so it’s pretty easy to find your way around once you know the area you live in. Once Brendan was home, and slightly unpacked we went to Fort Collins for dinner at the Armadillo to celebrate his homecoming.

When we got home it was like we picked up where we left off. One difference. There has been LOTS of laughing. I remember going to sleep that night and waking up some 36 hours later. Ever since I’ve been extremely exhausted (I’m also trying to get off my oxygen). I thought it was part of my fibro flaring up until Mom reminded me how fearful I’ve been living alone. Listening for every sound. Don’t get me wrong, I live in a GREAT neighborhood, and I’ve been living like this for the last 2 years. I didn’t realize how much stress and energy I have been hauling around on my shoulders and the safety of having Brendan here let me release all that pend up anxiety and I’m getting it out by sleeping. I’m awake more and more each day and we’re enjoying each day with each other working together instead of apart. I guess we’re taking every single mistake we’ve made with each other and learning from it. Did I mention we’re doing a lot of laughing?

In a week and a day I’ll be leaving on an airplane to Wisconsin where I’m meeting my sister, brother, brother-in-law and my beautiful little niece who will be turning 1 year old on the 30th. From the airport we’ll be driving to Momma Dawna and Papa’s house. I can’t wait. I’m going to really try to get off this oxygen before I leave. I’ve been taking 1 liter when I sleep and try to go without it while I’m awake. I sort of have my days and nights mixed up again. Sleeping durning the day when it’s hottest, and being awake at night when it’s nice and cooled down. We’re getting A/C soon, it’s going to be so nice. And we’ll get used to days instead of nights, especially with Brendan looking for work.

So that’s the latest news in my personal life. More to come with the creative side of life.

I’m the type of person that believes everything happens for a reason. Case in point while reading this article today called “Raise Your Expectations” written by Rob Parnell which speaks of the trouble I’ve been having as an artist and writer. Up until I was in my mid 20′s I depended more on other’s opinions about myself, my abilities, and my self-worth. It was great when I got good feedback which only made me strive to do better but when I didn’t get the feedback I had hoped for I took it so personally that I let it crush me and those dangerous seeds of doubt were planted in my mind. Most times I took other’s opinions as fact regardless if they were qualified to make such judgements or not and instead of taking their words with a grain of salt I would take it to heart lowering my self-worth instead of striving to overcome my faults and improve my talents.

It wasn’t until I moved to Florida back in 2005 when I started finding confidence within myself, my decisions, and my life. I put all my time and energy into my job learning as much as I could as quickly as I could and when I found my husband I never once thought anything could stop my uphill climb. When I got sick, lost my best friend, job, husband, and house I not only took a major face plant, but I didn’t even try to get back up on my feet again. I waved my white flag in defeat believing that that was the end of me. I erased all the hopes and dreams I had once had and replaced those with negativity, self-pity, depression, and filled up the emptiness with what-if’s, and what-might-have-beens. I convinced myself that everything bad that’s ever happened to me was somehow my fault or that I deserved it and that my purpose in life was to be other people’s punching bags and doormats to wipe their muddy boots on. I ALLOWED myself to believe that not because it was true but because my hope meter was on empty and I didn’t know how to change that. I didn’t think that I had the power within me to try.

When I first moved back to Colorado I started writing, a LOT. I would fill a 5′ 9″ 400 page journal front and back every few months. I poured all the poison within me onto those pages letting my subconscious take over, taking the poison out of me and along with my art I slowly started to heal. I think I was on my 4th journal when I re-read that first journal and realized that I was at a different place in my mind and heart than I was when I first vomited up the bile through a pen onto page after page and realized that through words and through writing, I’ve always managed to keep some sort of balance in my life. It was the times I didn’t write when I would self-destruct and life got off kilter, no matter what the circumstance. I started reading old journals from high school, and from middle school all the way back to my very first journals that started in elementary school and through my own words I saw that I grew with each journal, and with each year, through each problem, with each heartache. I started reading my old poetry and saw my growth from the first one I’d ever written to the last one. Since all things happen for a reason, and they happen when they are supposed to, finding my biological family couldn’t have come at a more perfect time. It was the first time I felt I deserved to be happy.

With my newfound confidence that came from within I allowed myself to be happy, because I deserved to be. My glass when from being half empty to half full. Next thing I know, I’ve reconciled with my husband and even though he never really left my life or heart – he returned with a freshness that was new again and lovely. I learned acceptance, forgiveness, and the voids that were ever present the last 32 years of my life were full for the first time. I learned who I was, and allowed myself to love myself. I learned what unconditional truly meant and said goodbye to the haunting ghosts of the past so I could focus on the rainbows of tomorrow. I’ve also learned to listen better to life’s whispers instead of waiting for life to smack me across the head with a fry pan to get my attention. With that, I’ve learned to trust my heart.

Sure, I still have bad days and the occasional moments when I feel sorry for myself but as each day those times grow less and less and my focus is on what really matters. There has always been people in my life who have believed in me, but I don’t really think a person can accept that until they find that belief within themselves. So what holds me back these days? Only I can hold me back and with that knowledge I become a little more free. My focus now is completing that word free, and turning it into free-DOM and I know I’ll get there, someday.

I’m happy to say that today has been the most productive day I’ve had for a while, considering that I’ve had a lousy week. I digress, let me start at the beginning.

The last few weeks my asthma has been giving me fits. Colorado has been quite hazy lately due to the Arizona wild fires and because 2 + 2 = 4 it was a no brainer why I’d been having difficulty breathing. There were several times last week that I “almost” went to urgent care when my O2 levels started dipping down between 90-93. A few years ago when I still lived in Georgia I purchased my own pulse oxygenation gadget (if you’ve ever been in the ER or the hospital, it’s that little thing they put on your finger to monitor your pulse and the oxygen levels in your blood system) from CVS, recommended by my pulmonary doctor after my last asthma attack that landed me in the hospital for a few days and later on home oxygen for a month. Normal is between 93-100%.

Last wednesday my breathing was extremely labored to the point my ribs hurt and the pain was radiating to my back because I was having to consciously breath. I had been doing breathing treatments for a week and using my fast acting inhaler (ProAir) but neither were working. I texted my oxygen levels throughout the day and my numbers kept going down from 93%, to 90%, to 88% and I reluctantly made the decision to go to the ER once I got down to 86% when I started to feel faintish. I knew what would happen before I left since I’ve been hospitalized 3 times previously for this very same occurrence and brought my kindle with me expecting to sit in the ER for a few hours. I was pretty pale by this point and Momma K told me my lips looked white. WHen I got there I got yet another breathing treatment, they took down my history and decided to put me on 2.5 liters of oxygen. Once my oxygen deprived body got some oxygen I almost immediately felt better and the color started to return to my face. When they took the oxygen away an hour later I had dropped down to 85% in less than 30 seconds so they made the decision to admit me to the hospital because I was so hypoxic.

Out of the 4 times I’ve been in the hospital for my asthma, this last time was the most pleasurable. All the nurses were so nice and helpful, and most of all … sincere. When a person is so sick to where they need to be in the hospital the positive and kind energy of the staff makes all the difference between wanting to get well and staying hopeful or being at the other end of the spectrum of hopelessness and depression. With all my medical problems in the last 4 years there hasn’t been one single person as dedicated to helping me as my two nurses on duty, Rhonda & Shane. I’ve gotten so used to being let down, or not finding answers, or having the knowledge that I wasn’t important or worthy enough to invoke concern in both the people around me and especially medical professionals. It’s something I’ve been struggling with for years. More people have disappeared from my life once I got sick than any other time in my whole life and I didn’t fully understand why until earlier this year. With the exception of one person, my Aunt Martha, no one has experienced what I’ve experienced and struggled with so how could they possibly understand the change in me spending so much energy in trying to hide invisible yet very real pain (at least with my Chronic Fatigue and Fibro). I think it’s easier for a person to put distance between themselves and something they don’t understand out of fear. Often there is a lot of misunderstanding and frustration and I know and understand that. I’ve accepted that. I almost EXPECT that. It was a nice surprise to be treated like a real person those two days in the hospital instead of some disabled invalid. The disease is in my body, not my mind and it’s easy for people to pass judgement. I think that’s why I don’t talk much about my health anymore and it’s a big reason why dropped off the face of the earth. It’s hard to be dependent when I’ve been overly independent my whole life. The limitations have taken a huge toll on my self worth but I’m not anywhere near accepting defeat.

So I’m on home oxygen for the next 3-4 weeks tethered to a 50 foot tube connected to my oxygen concentrator. It’s almost like being on house arrest. Thank the universe for my kindle and the internet or I’d go nuts with cabin fever.

Father’s Day was another hard day. My sister was there for me (thank you sis for being sensitive about it and for “getting” it, you know what I’m talking about). I’m on the mend. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and even more worrying with trying to get Brendan moved here. I’m tired and exhausted, but I have my moments of motivation and today was one of those moments. I’m at the stage where I’m doing a lot of soul seeking, listening to my heart as much as possible even when I disagree with what it’s telling me and there are many things left to figure out, but I’m making a dent in that area of my life and will continue to do so. I even made an appointment down at the social security office to apply for disability. Part of me has put it off because it feels like I’ve given up. Only recently I’ve realized that I haven’t given up, my heart hasn’t, my body might think differently. I hate labels and I don’t want to be labeled as a “disabled” person. I don’t see myself that way even tho many others do. It only makes me want to fight harder so I can one day feel accomplishment and be proud of myself again. I’ve been grieving my old life before I got sick and I know it will never be the same as it used to be. Attitude makes all the difference so I try in every situation to see the good, to learn the lesson and to learn from my mistakes. I do believe that I can find fulfillment again, I just have a few more hurdles yet to jump over …

I’m a caged bird right now and I want nothing less than to fly free.

I stayed up last night after being so tired and ready for bed to watch the Royal Wedding once I saw it was being televised live. Now that it’s morning and I haven’t gotten a wink of sleep I’m refreshed and renewed with love and hope.

Throughout the last two years I haven’t been able to adjust to life after my divorce. I’ve had a nervous breakdown, fumbled and fallen countless times, but I never stopped loving the man I said  my vows to on October 13th, 2006. Not that I never stopped loving, because I desperately wanted to stop hoping that the pain without him would go away. My heart and I were fighting an outright war with each other. Heart 1, Jenny 0. It was impossible for me to let go. The loneliness, the sleepless nights, the fear of life without him was raining in my face each and every day clouding everything around me as the storm of grief and sadness thundered.

After finding my biological family gave me a purpose only resurrected by the love my heart held for him. Now my Penguin is coming home to me. My fear filled nights will soon be over. Maybe we needed to be apart to know for sure of our love for one another. Maybe we needed to live in our own personal hell to listen to the truth our hearts spoke and speak. I’ll soon be a wife again to the only  man I’ve ever called husband. We had to learn how to be friends again before we realized how to be lovers for the second time. The week I spent with Brendan a few weeks ago was the testament to our love and together we got to meet our new family where I stayed the weeks after.

When I bought this house a year and several months ago I bought it with the vision of us spending our lives in it. The master bedroom has been unused for so long because it was too big and lonely without him sharing it with me. Within a months time I’ll spend my first night back in the master bedroom with my husband for the first time in what feels like an eternity.

I never believed in fate or pink clouds. I’ve always been a believer that we are in charge of ourselves and our destiny. My failing health and the divorce only crushed the belief in fate and happiness two years ago. This year has told me differently, its proven to me that the phrase “Never let go of the one you love” is not only true but instilled in me more strongly than I’d ever realized.

I know now that fate does exist. It’s brought me back together with my ex-husband now only figuratively but literally. Sometime in the future we plan on doing it the right way. Have a proper wedding with my sisters wedding dress. Have a proper future, the one we gave up prematurely when times got tough. Now I see that it only brought us closer together, now I see that it was needed, at least for us to realize something we had already known.

I love you family.

Me and my Penguin together again. This time, forever.

Me, Brother Shane, and Sister Darci. We don't look related at all, lol.

My sister Darci wrote a poem for me. My heart sings.

Finding Her True Path
by Darci Witucke

A life assaulted with fear
A light lingers ever so softly
In the distance reaching…floating
The darkness clutches at her heals
The weakened heart struggles in sorrow
Singing in hushed whispers comes a sound
Bells toll as the light brightens realization
Malevolence strikes without warning
Burning the hand that dares touch it
Fading lights hover never ceasing
Hope reins evaporating loneliness
An unopened envelope clutches the handle
Endless wonderment pours into view
Light dances teasingly ever closer
Obscurity stumbles into the corner
Cowering anger boils forth raging
Alienation equips itself for victory
Her heart glows with reflection
A mirror transforms her broken image
Knowledge floods her with astonishment
Light prevails over the winds of change
Unbending light envelopes her emotion
The spirit bends willingly to change
Evil scatters from the strength of intensity
A candle to ever be burning never ceasing
Love sword slips quietly loose to free her soul.

Copyright 2011

Thank you my dear Sister, I love you with all my heart. You are the window of the reflection in the mirror.

(title is in reference of the last house episode)

I’m not even going to say “it’s been a while” .. seems redundant. Fact is, I’ve been busy. Very busy.

On February 19th I had a “Celebrate Life” bash for the 12th anniversary of my Fathers death. I’m tired of being sad. I’m done grieving. I’d rather feel happy when I think of him, and now, I do.

That day, I got to announce that altho I lost my Father, I’ve recently found my biological family (I’m adopted). For those that  know me, being adopted has written on the book of who I am. The hardest part about it was, I never knew who I really was. I never felt whole. Beyond me was an empty hole and that was supposed to be my history. That hole is whole. I have been embraced by both my bio Father’s side and bio Mom’s side of the family with open arms flooding me with unconditional love. I’m proud to say, I’m no longer an only child. I’m one of 5 brother and sisters, the middle child is where I fit. I have an additional 4 step-siblings and an Aunt to many nieces and nephews. Four sisters, a brother, and my Mom and over 3 dozen Aunts and Uncles and over 5 dozen cousins. My bio Father died when he was 36.

Not only did I get this enormous family but I’ve gained a best friend in my sister Darci. We talk daily, always more than an hour this past month. I’m still getting to know my Brother altho he’s busy. My bio Mom calls me her baby girl, I love it.

I’ll be spending a week with my older brother and younger sister (Mom calls us the three triplets because we all have red hair and look so much alike) the first week of April. I’ll be spending the last week of March with my husband. I can’t wait.

It’s been a life changing year thus far. I’m happy to be in the front row watching it unfold in front of me.

I’ve been going to the Windsor Spine Center for 3 going on 4 weeks now, suggested to me by my dear Aunt Martha whom sadly also suffers from Fibro. Dr. Jason is doing wonderful things there and he’s giving me my body and health back. Altho I’m one of the worst cases he’s seen, my progress there has been nothing but miraculous. I go to physical therapy 3 times a week, a commitment I never thought I would be able to make and I’ve only missed one appointment due to a migraine last Monday. The past several years my Fibro flares have increased to 3-4 flares a week. Since I’ve been going to the Windsor Spine Center I’ve had one flare up that lasted less than half a day before I was on my feet again. They started me on the Ideal Protein Diet and this last week has been my “detox” week and my body has been fighting this detox with everything it has (or, it could be due to stress in other area’s of my life since I was hit with a bomb shell at the beginning of the week) but the good news is I’ve already lost 8lbs, 2 inches around my waist, 2 inches around my chest and one inch around each arm. I’ve been told that there have been 5 people (who which to remain anonymous even to me) that have donated to my account because they have heard my story or I have touched them in some way which was incredible. I found this news out last week and was floored.

The best way I can describe the Windsor Spine Center is taken from the commercial on TV when the man talks about the Cancer Centers of America and how they breath hope into you. That’s exactly what the clinic is doing for me. The people that work there are genuine and they truly care about their clients. My normal routine when I get there is to do my stretches, then Dr. Rich or Dr. Jason make adjustments to my neck and spine. Next I do different stretches focusing on the neck and legs which one of the girls assists with. After that I go and sit in traction for 10 minutes (might sound mid-evil but it really feels good). Last stop is laser treatment that I get done all the way up and down my spine which promotes pain relief and helps bring down the inflammation in my spine that is damaging my nerves. Every Monday I have a weigh in with my nutrition specialist and we go over my meal plan for the week. I also attend classes every Tuesday that goes along with the Ideal Protein diet with others that are on the diet (which most everyone is that goes there is on).

I’ve gotten to know some of the other patients that have the same schedule as me and I’ve made a lot of new friends. I look forward to seeing them every time I go. One patient is my age and he and I have become buddies. He was shy at first but he’s opened up the more we talk. When I got done with my stretches today I went and laid down on the adjustment table to wait for Dr. Rich to adjust my back and neck. He looked over and said “you are so pretty” which caught me off guard, but not as much as it caught him off guard. He said “did I just say that outloud?” and his face turned as red as my hair. I thought it was cute. When he was on his way out he said “see ya next week cutie” .. It made me smile. It’s been a while since I’ve gotten a compliment like that from a guy. Sort of made my day.

It was a big day for me in another way too. My Uncle Don has been needing a wheelchair since his surgery and now that I don’t need it anymore I packed it up and dropped it off at his and my Aunt Donna’s house. I know he meant this as a compliment but he said he hasn’t seen me look this healthy and strong since before I left for Florida in 2005 because since then I’ve looked like an invalid. Nice, eh? Made me laugh in the car on the way home.

I cut my hair and bleached it and it looks totally rockin’

Like a 1980's Punk Rock Chick

I’m getting ready to go down to the courthouse. After petitioning the courts, they have granted me access to my adoption records. I’ve been waiting for this day for as long as I can remember. I’ll have access to names of my birth parents, my siblings, and my original birth certificate. I will find out in a short time, within the hour, what my birth Mother named me.

I was anxious that my adopted Mother would feel threatened. All those fears went away when Mom told me she was excited and she’s looking forward to the new extended family we will be gaining.

I didn’t sleep a wink last night. My mind was running a million miles a second. Still is, it feels so surreal. I will write an update tonight about my life changing day.

I’m planning something big this year year. It’s not some lame New Year’s resolution list of goals that just set one up to fail. No, it’s not going to be something impossible either, like hoping for the cure for Fibromyalgia – It’s not going to be something that I can’t control.

The one person I have control over is me. I’ve learned some pretty hard lessons this last year I’m surprised I made it out with my sanity. I’m going to let go of the last horrible rotten year and leave it in the past. I will carry with me those lessons learned. They are the only stow aways that are permitted to come with me into 2011.

I will do everything in my power to kick myself. I’m going to kick my ass out of the pity parties that have been coming around more and more it seems. I’m going to get myself out from underneath this cloud of negativity. I’m not going to be afraid to fail – because i will from time to time and I can grow from it – at least I would have tried.

My first leap into making this the year of Yolospat has to do with my better half. My best friend and soulmate. My ex-husband. I know I know, you’re all thinking, “You’re best friends with your ex-husband?!” Well, we are a rare breed I suppose. In fact, we have better communication skills now with each other than when we were married. I would have not made it through this last year without him. It’s been a year and almost 4 months since I saw him last so this month I’m going to fly out to Georgia to see him. We are both excited, and it gives us something to look forward to. We never got to say goodbye when we made – in my opinion – too rash of a decision. Growth and good changes between us have happened, and also individually that couldn’t have happened had we still been together. Brendan is what smiles are made of, and I can’t wait to see him. We have agreed that I would bring his xmas box with me instead of shipping it so that we can open his presents together.

I have a few projects lined up for this next year. I will be focusing on my writing this year. This includes my blogs, articles, journaling, poetry, freelancing, short stories and a novel I’m working on at the moment. I’m also going to be focusing on my artwork and bring my portfolio into existence. I’m going to try and volunteer at the humane society. I also have house projects lined up, like painting a few rooms, my fence and my deck. I need to put the art studio back together too. I think I might bring the studio inside and put it int he basement for the winter so I won’t have to worry about heating the garage (which is detached from the home).

I have to remember to pace myself. Living with Fibromyalgia is a very tricky balancing act. If I have a good day and I use up more energy than I should have I’ll be in bed for the next 2 days exhausted. I have to remember that I can only do so much and the better I pace myself the greater my “good days” will be. I also want to talk about Fibromyalgia this year in detail to spread the word and to debunk the myths. I’ve talked about it briefly from time to time but it’s a very hard medical condition to understand. I want to help people understand, so anyone has questions please feel free to ask.

My Writer’s Market book came in the mail yesterday. It’s what every writer needs in reference to publishing, agents, writing idea’s, tips and tricks. You name it, it’s got it. It also has the updated 2011 list of all agents and houses, including what they specialize in and what they are looking for. I also got the Short Story Writer’s Market book too.

I hope everyone makes this year a better year. I know I am.

This last year has really shaken my faith in humanity. There has been a lot of trauma, a lot of broken hearts, a lot of words that should never been said, a lot of miscommunication and lack of understanding. There has been 2, nearly three deaths, one rape, a robbery and sickness. There has been a lot of pain, enough to make me want to give up on several occasions.

There is also that one moment, that one remembrance where hope peeks out, although much smaller in size, waving telling me it’s still here. To hold on. It’s not time yet. And right around the corner it happened. I gave hope one last chance, and hope came through in a big way. My hope grew a size or two that day. When I woke up this morning, it had grown once again. Today, I smiled.

A few items are on the plate this evenings (er, mornings, how’d that happen so fast? So little time so much to do) blog post. First off, World of Warcraft’s Cataclysm finally has a release date! December 7th. That’s a few weeks after I started playing WoW back in 2005. Wow, it seems like yesterday. I will probably pre-order. I wouldn’t be able to stand in the huge long lines. I’m getting too old or something. So what if I get the game a day late? Amazon is good about sending the game out so you get it on the release day. I haven’t played WoW for weeks, but I think it might catch up once Cataclysm will pick up my gaming time.

I’ve been gearing up for NaNoWriMo!! NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month where one has to write 50,000 words of their novel from November 1st through November 30’s. This will be my first year doing it. I’m excited. You can follow my progress at My NaNoWriMo page. I’m writing a lot of short stories this month, and practicing on some writing prompts I have been collecting over the last year since I missed it last year.

Speaking of missing NaNoWriMo last year, sigh. This is the month of October and in 4 more days will be the anniversary of the day I got married. It’s almost going to be a year since I’ve seen my husband ex-husband. It doesn’t feel possible, it feels like a decade. And the worst part about it is through all the hustle and bustle of getting packed and moved, we never got to say goodbye to each other. The other worst part is that I don’t know when I will see him again. I miss him more than any word I can think of in the English language. Its emotional agony, only worse. I lost my soul-mate and my best friend all at the same time. Adjusting to being a single female living by myself is an adjustment I keep fighting subconsciously. I feel scared much of the time, especially at nights knowing he’s not here makes everything seem empty, but through my art, writing, reading, crocheting, and now knitting, I’m trying to keep myself as busy as possible. I’m so grateful for our telephone calls nearly every night, and I’m thankful we keep in constant communication and we’ve both grown from this experience, and he will always be my soul-mate no matter what happens in the future. The distance is so hard though, just so hard. When incidents happen like they did with “Lance” a week ago it makes me wish I were still in Georgia.

Jonah is a lot better. His face is healing at a remarkable speed. The scabs are starting to fall off and new skin is fresh and pink underneath. My friend David got a new puppy. A miniature Chihuahua named taco. I was scared at first that taco and Molly would butt heads for dominance but it was amazing how fast she took to him. This is the first time she’s meeting a dog smaller than her, it was so cute. David made a funny joke. He said if Molly and Taco had puppies, they would have tamales. Hehe. Pictures coming soon of Taco. I’m also building a computer for David that he can use now that he’s gone back to school and kicking ass with his grades.

I’ve been using my iPad a lot for writing out my short stories and my writing exercises. For some reason I’ve gotten a talent for tying on it. It actually makes me write even more than I do already. I found a program on the iPad called Manuscript that connects to DropBox so I work on it no matter where I am.

It was a long night last night with Jonah constantly trying to get his cone collar off. It was really late before I got to sleep. When I woke up this morning Jonah was laying beside me WITHOUT his cone collar on. I found it on the floor with the plastic tab torn that holds the whole cone collar together. So far today I’ve seen Jonah start to itch his face but he stops himself before his foot ever makes contact with his wound. I think he just wanted that collar off and I don’t blame him. That collar would make me uncomfortable too.

His vet called today to check up on him to see how he was doing. I told her about the cone collar thing and the wound is getting this grayish scab so the vet said to leave the collar off and make sure to watch him really good.

I didn’t get much sleep last night so I took a nap this afternoon to catch up on sleep. I was woken up by my neighbor of whom I just met a few days ago. There is this beautiful outdoor cat that’s been hanging around my place the past few weeks. He’s a beautiful orange long haired tabby, so I named him Butter. At first I thought he lived next door but when I was up before the sun was last week I found him sleeping under my car so I knew then he was either dumped or his family had moved away without him because he was very well groomed and wasn’t anywhere close to being skinny. As the weeks went on I found him getting thinner and thinner and he had tree leafs stuck in his coat so I brushed him and I’ve been giving him food and water. That’s when I met my neighbor for the first time, the OTHER person giving Butter food and water. She’s a senior with gray curly hair and about as vertically challenged as my Mother. She has this magical sense about her that tells her whenever I go outside because the minute I step out on my front porch I see her walking across the street toward my house. She never stays very long, but we have these mini conversations while she’s here.

One of the first things she talked to me about was the previous owner of this house, Wendy. She said that once Wendy bought the house from her folks she completely stopped taking care of it and it visually stated to look run down to the point that it could have passed for an abandoned house. My neighbor was excited when I moved in because she saw the house and property return to it’s former glory and because of that her own house was recently appraised for more than it’s ever been. Wow, that’s neat to hear.

It’s not the first time one of my neighbors has talked to me about Wendy herself let alone the condition she let the property get to. There is a lot of landscaping that needs to be kept up and both yards are fairly large in size. From my own experience of dealing with Wendy the stories I’m hearing seem to go along with what I know about her. To have so many neighbors come up to me and thank me for the work that’s been done to the place and to tell me how thankful they are to have a “neighborly” neighbor says a lot about what it used to be like around here.

It’s also nice to have neighbors myself that I’ve gotten to know. Brendan and I never really got to know our neighbors, and as much as I dislike people coming over uninvited, I’m glad my neighbors do. It makes me feel like we’re all looking out for each other, and it softens the adjustment I’ve had to make living alone for the first time in 6 years. Having said that it doesn’t make me miss my husband any less wishing he were here.

Just got home from the vet hospital and a very scary few hours. 

Earlier tonight I was drawing and I kept hearing Jonah’s dog tags jingling over and over in the family room. I went to check on him and a 2 inch by 3 inch area of skin was hanging like a flap where his cheek used to be, and raw bloody muscle was left. I couldn’t tell you all the thoughts running through my head as to what caused this to happen but I didn’t have time to investigate. I grabbed my keys, then grabbed Jonah and rushed him to the front seat of the car. Somewhere between where I picked him up in the house to the front door the skin flap fell off, which I found when I got home.

I called Jonah’s vet and the after hours message said to go to the emergency vet hospital on 23rd by Bank of Choice. I didn’t even look to see if I parked between the lines, grabbed Jonah and rushed him inside. Luckily they were able to pull up his vet records since my vets office is their sister shop and took us right back to an exam room. 

The vet tech was super personable and Jonah warmed right up to her considering the circumstances. She explained to me that he had some sort of allergy to something which caused a bad rash on his skin under his fur. Because his ears cover that area and because that area is in a damp hot spot it made it the perfect breeding ground for bacteria to grow. Since the rash was so bad it only took one scratch from Jonah to pull all the skin off where the rash was to leave this open gaping wound. They had to shave off all the hair on the right side of his face to see how var the rash spread (about twice the size of the raw part) and sprayed a topical steroid spray on it after cleaning it up. I’m supposed to spray that topical spray right on the raw part every 6 hours for 2 weeks. The vet tech said at first it burns a little but to rub his ears right after so he forgets the pain sooner. He’s also on antibiotics and pain meds. 

The poor guy just doesn’t know what to do with the cone collar. He will just stand there and not move. He’ll get used to it eventually, but I feel so bad for him. He is uncomfortable and it’s written all over his face. I’m going to sleep downstairs on the couch so I don’t have to carry him up and down the stairs. I’m not sure how I picked him up so many time when I rushed him to the hospital due to the weakness from Fibro. I’m sure it was the adrenaline from the initial shock. 

So I have him home now and he is snoozing on the rug. The pain meeds mush have just kicked in. The open wound can’t be covered so it heals from the sides to the middle. It has to be so painful, I just feel so bad for him. 

I was worried at first if it was something I either did or didn’t do or I didn’t pay close enough attention to but the vet reassured me that there was nothing I could do to prevent what happened. She also said she could tell Jonah was very loved. When I asked her what she meant she Sid that when she did his physical exam she was guessing he was between 2-3 years old before she looked at his records and saw he was 6 years old and that’s the sign of a very loved very happy dog. That made me feel good. I’ve never questioned if I were a good furbaby Mom, but it’s nice to actually hear that sometimes. Continue reading to see pictures of Jonah’s wound.

Jonah's cheek where the skin fell off

Jonah looks so sad in his cone collar

I had the most uncomfortable, creepy, and downright scary night the night before last. I’ve been in communication with an old friend of mine the past month by communicating via Facebook message and text message. Let’s call this person Lance, to protect identities. He called my cell phone late Saturday night and left this creepy voicemail followed up by a text message saying he was coming over after I had already texted him letting him know I had a headache and was headed to bed.

There are a select few people in my life that are exempt from the “drop by without an invitation” rule, and Lance is not one on that list especially since he has never been to my house. I haven’t even seen him for over 6 years.

So when I find out he’s coming over I get back out of bed and change again from my nighty to a pair of sweat pants and sweatshirt. Lance finally shows up and kisses the back of my neck after giving me a hug. Red flags, bright hot pink flags, all the internal flags our intuition makes was waving frantically inside yet was hoping that it was a one time occurrence.

So Lance sits down on the love seat and takes his shoes off and pulls up his shirt and starts rubbing his chest while he is talking. My flags started waving frantically again. I knew I had to get him out of my house as soon as possible. I stood up and grabbed the keyless remote for my ADT security system for my house and put it around my wrist since there is a button on there that when pressed is a silent alarm to the police station. My thumb hovered over the top of that button the entire time.

I picked up a piece of drawing paper and started drawing waiting for him to wrap up whatever he was saying and told him that my headache was getting worse and I needed to go to bed. To my surprise he gets up and walks upstairs and disappears in my bedroom. Great. That was the last thing I expected him to do. I go outside to smoke in hopes he would get the hint but after the 3rd cigarette he still hadn’t come back downstairs. I call up again and tell him for the second time I really needed to go to sleep and he tells me from my bedroom to come upstairs. In my most stern voice I say, “ALONE.”

He walks out my bedroom door putting his shirt back on and holds up his hands and tells me ok, your the boss. Through the whole conversation throughout the night he kept making these crude sexual remarks that was totally inappropriate. He finally left and I locked every door and window in my house and turned on the house alarm. I was so digested and frightened I didn’t end up sleeping at all that night. Every sound that the house made put me on full guard and I’ve been jumpy ever since.

What really makes me angry and mad is this was supposed to be a friend, and he totally ruined it the friendship with what he did because all trust I had for him is gone. What makes me even more upset is he was my link to the local art community. Well, I don’t need him to become involved. I can do it on my own. Same way I’ve always done things.

I know it’s been a while. I think I’m officially going through my mid-life crisis. From the point it started until recently it’s been a negative experience. I’m got really tired of black and white and I’m including all shades of gray into the spectrum. Who knows, this time next year I’ll be at 256 colors, and in two years I’ll reach a million. It’s something fun and silly to look forward to. Perfect timing for a list of things I’ve learned in the last year:

1. Stop taking everything so seriously. There is a time and a place for serious matters, but that time and place doesn’t mean all the time, every place. Relax, unhook your shoulders from hanging off your ears like you were standing in a cylinder tube and let your hair down. Heck, just chop your hair off! (if you do chop your hair off, remember to donate it to Locks of Luv)
2. Stop worrying about everyone else and worry about yourself. Anything beyond the tip of my nose is the extent of what I have control over. Everything else is just compost and wasted energy better used in a more positive way.
3. KISS – Keep It Simple Stupid – Really, it’s not complicated. Always trust in your own Jiminy Cricket. Most times he’s right. Think about the times you didn’t listen to your intuition yet saw the signs afterwards of your intuition trying to get your attention.
4. Love – And keep on doing it.

I’m still recovering a bit from the events that happened on Wednesday the 14th. I was getting around to go to a wedding. My long time friend and her girlfriend were having a ceremony down at the park a few blocks away from my house. I put a sun dress on with my sneakers (ya, that’s just how I roll) and thought I would take Molly with me since she was pretty hyper and I felt the walk could do her some good and wear her out a little. I grabbed my iPhone and digital camera in one hand, and the leash in my other hand.

And we set off toward the park. I didn’t realize how distraught Jonah was going to be without Molly. He usually whimpers and cries when I leave the house but it was like he was being tortured when i took Molly and not him (he goes for walks without Molly and Molly usually just chases the cat around) and it’s too hard on me to take both of them because their leashes get wrapped around each other and I don’t have money to get one of those Y leashes. Anyway, I could still hear Jonah howling 3 blocks away. I thought he would eventually settle down because Mommy always came home and he knew that.

As I neared the park I started looking around for a group of people indicating where the wedding was. It’s a big park with a big lake in the middle. It was so bloody hot, sweat was rolling down my face. I’ve always been a bit sweater, not like some of those girls who stay nice and dry who’s makeup doesn’t even smudge (like I wear makeup but you know what I mean). I decided to cut through the center of the park, where there was a bridge that went over the center of the lake so I could could get an eagle eye view of the park so I could find this wedding since I was 5 minutes late at that point. Then right when I was nearing the middle of the bridge I thought I saw Molly out of the corner of my eye jump over the railing bar. I turned around but my right foot didn’t turn with me and I lost my balance going right through the center of the bridge bars and head first toward the lake. Because I had Molly’s leash tied around my hand she came tumbling in after me. As soon as I hit the water I started looking for Molly which didn’t take long because I could feel her cocooning on my head. So with one hand balancing her on my head I used the other hand to swim toward the shore.

A really nice middle aged couple saw what happened and were at the side of the lake ready to help me up and out. The lady had a hard time getting Molly off my head and I kept slipping on the mud but I finally got out and just plopped right down on the grass in shock of what happened holding Molly close as she licked gross lake water off my face. The couple asked me if I was ok or if they needed to call 911 and I told them I was fine, just a little shaken. When I stood back up I realized I didn’t have any shoes on. I also realized I wasn’t holding my iPhone or my digital camera either. All three items became the lakes lunch.

I didn’t even try looking for the wedding at that point. My back started getting sharp pains in it and I just knew i needed to get home and get showered. Molly wouldn’t let me put her down the whole way home and I didn’t blame her. The street was really hot on my bare feet so I tried to walk on my neighbors grass as much as possible.

I feel horrible for not making the wedding. I wanted to be there so bad on my friends special day. I’m pretty distraught about losing my digital camera. It’s going to take a while to get that replaced.

What a day …. I’ll laugh about it in a few months. The next day I had a sore throat and laryngitis and the next few days after that I was just really tired and sore, like you feel after you’ve been in a car accident. Today I’m back to normal. Molly has been really clingy to me ever since it happened. Poor girl, I hope that this doesn’t scar her. Jonah was happy to have us home. He had tears I had to wipe away because he couldn’t stand being away from his sister. Those two have really bonded. I’m glad too, it’s just what I had hoped for the both of them.

Me and my clutzy adventures ..

Maybe not my day, but it made me smile when things haven’t easy. And ironic because my writing muse has come back into my life.

I write like
Stephen King

I Write Like by Mémoires, Mac journal software. Analyze your writing!

It’s been a while I know, but things have been busy busy busy !!!!

I’m finally in my new house (I’ve been here for a few months actually) and life in my dream home is going great. The neighborhood I’m in is exactly where I wanted to be, and I couldn’t begin to explain how in love with my house I am. It’s on a fairly large lot, built nearly 100 years ago. If only these walls could talk. Most of the house is original, like the doors and the beautiful hardwood floors throughout both floors except in the master bedroom. The back yard is so big and Jonah and Molly can run and play as long as they want. I find out something new about this house every day. There are so many nooks and hidden little doors that go to other places in the house. I even found the original skeleton key that fits all the inside doors!!!! It’s been lost since the first owners had the house. I haven’t gotten to fix up my art studio out back yet but that’s a project I have planned for the summer. What I really enjoy is the spa room with the built in hot tub. It’s really been good for the fibro and back pain. I also go swimming twice a week with Tracey which really helps too.

I’ve been busy lately with my best friend Carrie and her little sister Tracey (and yes, you too Michael). I don’t know what I would do without them. They are a constant in my life, and I in theirs. They are like family to me. We took this picture just yesterday.

I’m heading to Texas in a little more than 6 hours so I can see Tiffany and my two nieces. I haven’t seen those cute little faces for about 2 years and I look forward to lots of hugs and snuggles. I’ll be staying a week and I’m looking forward to the warm weather as it just snowed last night after being 70 degrees the day before. That’s Colorado weather for ya. I caught a great shot of the sun setting over the mountains the other day. I really did miss Colorado, more than I had realized.

I’m still working on my art just as passionately as before but I’ve been slacking in taking pictures of my progress. Hopefully when I get back I can scan them all proper. I’ve also been working a lot on my music lately, another passion of mine that came back to me after a decade long hiatus. My writing is going great too, and along with that I’ve acquired a new love for fountain pens both modern and antique. Again, I’ll have to talk more about that when I return from my trip.

Brendan is doing great, he finally got full-time status at his job and got his own department. I’m proud of his progress, and he’s always there when I need a pick me up.

I’m learning new patterns with my crocheting too which has been a fun experience. I have so many projects lined up that I’m busy all the time. Busy is good and I’ve been pacing myself so I don’t get too worn out.

I know this is a quick update and there’s so much more to mention but time isn’t on my side today and I still need to finish packing. Depending on activities in Texas I’ll try to make updates when I can.

Leavin’ on a jet plane ……

“I would never write about someone who is not at the end of his rope.” ~Stanley Elkin

I’ve had my ATT/Cingular account for a good decade now and I’ve never upgraded my phone on it. A few days ago my iPhone3g 16GB did something some would think of as a dire emergency. One of those people was yours truly.

It ran out of space.

I headed straight to ATTs website and for the first time, I took advantage of my upgrade features. I got the iPhone3gs 32GB (white of course). It arrived in the mail yesterday, sparkly and brand new. Right away I powered it to full and sync’d my whole music library. To my gleeful surprise I still had room! This is not something I’ve ever ran into before. So I started syncing some of my TV shows I haven’t watched yet. I’m a big fan of Fringe & The Office. After that sync got done I was again surprised to see I still had tons of room.

It’s not like my music collection is tiny by any means but over the years I’ve weeded out the music I don’t listen to anymore. I decided not to push my luck and happily left all that empty space, proud that my usual instinct to fill a drive to the fullest was at peace.

Next I started loading my iPhone apps. One of my favorite apps right now is “Red Laser.” It reads bar codes and suggests places you can get that product the cheapest or it will tell you the nutritional value of a food product like it did for a loaf of wheat bread Mom got from Safeway.

With the iPhone3gs the camera on it is so clear and it has the focus capability. All those barcodes my iPhone3g wouldn’t read the iPhone3gs picks up in seconds. I think I’ve managed to scan every barcode I could find upstairs in Mom’s house.

The good news is my Uncle Don is going to buy my old iPhone3g since my Aunt Donna just got one under one condition. I have to give them a rash course on the basics as well as the fun stuff like apps, picture messaging, and text messaging. I’m looking forward to that. I get so excited about gadgets I want to tell everyone about them.

One more thing the iPhone3gs has is something I’ve been wanting since 2005 when I left Colorado for Florida. A compass. Ironic I have one now when I have no idea which direction is up and/or down and what my future will bring. I think it’s perfect timing I got it now.

Good Timing ….

I have been very negative lately about my divorce. Like the 50% that make it, I started and ended keeping true to my vows, yet I’ve been beating myself up for a failed marriage in which I as a person did not fail.

I wanted my marriage to last forever. Doesn’t everyone when they wisk off to their honeymoon? Time changes people, left over baggage changes people. So instead of staying in an unhappy marriage, I got out. I did that to give myself a chance at happiness yet I’m the most depressed I’ve ever been. Maybe until now, until I really thought this through, I did everything possible. I shouldn’t be beating myself up, but patting myself on the back because I wasn’t a perfect wife, but I was a damn good wife.

Everything has to do with attitude. Mine needs a huge overhaul. It would not only help my fibro, but my outlook on life, my future life. I don’t know what it will be like, but focusing on the darkness that may become doesn’t do me any good but will only lead to a self fulfilling prophecy in which my future WILL become that darkness. If I focus on the good things, my writing, my willingness to get better then my future looks a lot brighter than I ever thought it might be.

Only way I know this is I have good friends who have been there every step of the way, like Camille, like Tiffany, and especially my Mother who I know beyond any doubt, loves me unconditionally.

I don’t have to focus on the fact that I’m part of the 50% that failed, but I’m part of the 50% that might have made the right decision so that I can leave room for happiness and joy.

I have a doctors name on a piece of paper sitting here in front of me that has helped so many people I know personally. All I have to do is make the call. I haven’t done that yet because I was stuck focusing on never getting better. I’m going to call this doctor today, and start the journey of getting better because at this point I can’t get much worse. I don’t want to be bedridden next month and that’s where I’m headed. I have to stop this disease in it’s tracks and try to live while I have the ability.

Today, I want to try. I’ll have my days where my goals are fuzzy especially when that day is a bad fibro day, but if I can go back and read this post the haziness might clear a little even if the sun doesn’t shine.

I can do this ..

I never knew what Adobe Contribute was for until I happen to come across a site that spoke about it being a blogging client. Well, let me tell you, it’s a lot more than that. It’s a blogging client and whole website rehaul client. I’m going to publish this and see if it works.

I bundled up today and headed to BestBuy this afternoon to get a Netgear wireless router to replace my Aunt Donna’s Linksys router with the Netgear. I had the same problem with my Linksys when I lived in Florida. My Mother also had the same problem with her Linksys which I also fixed by replacing it with a Netgear.

I actually feel I’ve accomplished something and I haven’t felt that way for a long time. It was an easy fix, I just swapped out the router, configured the Netgear and all the mac laptops in my Aunts house connected right away. She tried to pay me but I wouldn’t let her do to the fact that she’s family.

She said I should do that for a job. That made me giggle since I’ve been doing this sort of thing since 1998.

I’ve been working on getting my RSS feeds read today but I’m still at 1000+ in Google Reader. I’ll eventually catch up since I don’t have any plans this weekend.

I think I’m going to get through all this, I really do.

When it’s family. My Aunt called me to come over. Seems that Comcast has screwed up their wireless system. That’s what she told me over the phone, but when I got there I found the culprit. It’s that damn Link-sys router that doesn’t work with certain types of Comcast modems. I had the same problem in Florida and here at Mom’s house, and now they are having the problem.

So I’m headed to best buy to pick up a Netgear wireless router that will fix all their problems. My Aunt Donna and Uncle Don have a full Apple network (that tickles me to death, I love it) so it’s nice to finally be a tech for apple products.

I’ll be heading to BestBuy tomorrow to pick up the Netgear wireless router along with some blank DVD’s since Mom and I are running low. I feels good to be needed finally. I’ve felt like a wart on a toads back for so long, I forgot I was actually valuable to people. Plus, I was paid in yummy homemade soup and this homemade cracker spread, vegetarian of course.

No, I will not come to your house if you live in or close to the Greeley area to fix your home networks, but family is family and I’ve been sitting in the basement of my Mother’s house not getting much more interaction than talking to my fur babies and playing World of Warcraft.

I might have more jobs on the horizon. My Uncle Don’s son needs some consulting on a web design for his production company and I’m supposed to talk to him when he comes home from Christmas. Apparently he’s dished out a lot of money for a web site and got screwed. I hear more and more stories about that. It’s a shame.

To add to the geekiness, my friend Brett and I might have a web design project dealing with his band. We’d work together in providing a working web site to promote the band and I can continue to add to my portfolio. That’s exciting and just what I’ve been waiting for.

It’s been a good day so far. I hope it is tomorrow because my job at my Aunt’s house isn’t done yet.

One huge reason I’m failing as a blogger lately is my lack of blogging. One huge problem I have is simple to fix, but for me it seems hard as hell. When I have so much going on, I don’t blog. That’s when I need to blog the most.

Reason being:

1. My blog is a chronological record of my life. I’m missing big details over the last few years that I wish I would have written about. That is something I need to fix.

2. My blog is a place for reflection and growth. Life is a lesson, and there is something to learn around every corner. I need to take advantage of that.

3. I have a love for gadgets and technology. I love reviewing products, and I haven’t done more than I can count on one hand in the last year. This disappoints me because a lot of great technology has come out and I have no record of it.

4. It has always been inside me to help people. I have been helping people with technology since 1998 and even tho I’ve complained about it in the past, when I know I’ve really helped someone it’s the best feeling ever.

5. I’ve been wanting to get my blog underway ever since I got laid off in July. It’s already December and I’ve yet to do that because I had no idea where to start. So I decided to start from the beginning and take it one step at a time.

Those are my commitments for this blog and they have always been. I’ve been a very bad procrastinator to keeping up with it especially when it’s something I love most of all.

My inspiration in this has been my sissy Camille who has started the project I’ve always had in my head but couldn’t execute. Now is the time.