Archive for June, 2008


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The bulk of what I'm doing are the jobs and tasks I never really wanted to deal with before, Toprol mexico, Toprol australia, because it would have taken some actual thought and I would have had to logically thought about something. I used to just "leave those" to my boss who always used to "take care of those jobs" ., buy Toprol Over The Counter. well, Toprol india, Toprol craiglist, guess who's taking care of them now. Guess what, 200mg Toprol. 100mg Toprol, They aren't so bad. In fact, 250mg Toprol, Toprol usa, they have become quite fun. Buy Toprol Over The Counter, Weird. Someone has to do them, 40mg Toprol. Toprol us, They take patience sometimes. They are really fun sometimes, Toprol uk. 50mg Toprol, My appreciation for those jobs had totally changed. I'll probably continue to do these takes after my boss gets back, buy Toprol Over The Counter. I sort of feel bad for slacking on those before, 10mg Toprol. Toprol overseas, Whatever. Moving on, Toprol japan. 30mg Toprol, I've been saying "moving on" lately too. Buy Toprol Over The Counter, I would send out department emails, someone would be defensive about something, and I would reply "moving on" or "moving forward" because frankly I don't care about excuses, I don't care about setting the story straight about who did what and when. What I care about is did A, 20mg Toprol, Toprol paypal, B, and C get done, Toprol canada. 500mg Toprol, If it did, I really don't care how, Toprol coupon. Smile.

I think that everyone needs to be boss for a week because it's opened my eyes up to everything my boss puts up with. I have a new appreciation for his position and I feel like I've held together what could have easily fallen apart. I even got kudos from the bosses boss, so stick a fork in me, I'm done.

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Discount Antabuse, Nothing like messing up some hidden apache2 file somewhere deep inside /etc/

Well, I did. 10mg Antabuse, I've been doing a lot of that lately. Maybe because my brain is dying, Antabuse us. 150mg Antabuse, I was riding the rail the other night with ruby and after realizing that I had installed my gems incorrectly I reinstalled. Then I got an idea for a Java program I was working on so I jump over to Netbeans 6.1 and I realize that I had a gem I wanted to install there too, Antabuse uk, 50mg Antabuse, so completely distracted (doesn't take much) I start installing some gems and plug-ins and ... oh noes, Discount Antabuse.

CRASH!

There goes Netbeans 6.1 .., 200mg Antabuse. Antabuse usa, I try to open it again and I get this:

Picture 1

Just great. After many searches through the Googlespere I find out there is some apache file that calls Xalan.jar and makes it a very unhappy jar file breaking some class that Netbeans 6.1 calls, Antabuse coupon. Antabuse japan, So I had another Bright Idea™ (I really should be careful about those big idea's). Discount Antabuse, I'd just delete Netbeans 6.1 and re-install. Nope, 20mg Antabuse, Antabuse overseas, didn't work. I thought I would re-install apache2 with macports, Antabuse craiglist. 100mg Antabuse, I got this error:

Terminal — sh — 125×30

Great, so the all mighty macports won't even install apache2 again, 30mg Antabuse. Antabuse australia, I went to xMod and let it check and fix my files and permissions. Ya, didn't work, Discount Antabuse. So, Antabuse paypal, 500mg Antabuse, I had to do the long road. Reinstall completely with my last Time Machine backup, 250mg Antabuse. Antabuse india, But, then I had another Bright Idea™ ., Antabuse canada. Antabuse ebay, I re-named my /usr/local folder and try to re-install apache2. With success I got:

Terminal — bash — 125×30

Yet, Antabuse mexico, 1000mg Antabuse, it didn't fix my Netbeans 6.1 problem. Sigh, 40mg Antabuse. 750mg Antabuse, Let me go try out another Bright Idea™ ...

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Discount Abilify, I have been, BUSY. 50mg Abilify, So busy that I'll be writing to my advisor tomorrow to drop one of my classes. I think I'm going to drop Java, Abilify india, Abilify paypal, I think. I've been staying late at work mostly due to our lack of competent support staff, 150mg Abilify. 500mg Abilify, I've had to fix a lot of mistakes lately for people. It's extremely frustrating, Discount Abilify. I've been handed this huge job of configuring and maintaining the Altiris Helpdesk, Abilify us, 10mg Abilify, including custom automation, setting up notify rules, Abilify uk, Abilify canada, and building custom forms that integrate into the software and database itself. I'm not a DBA, Abilify craiglist, Abilify usa, but I feel like I'm soon becoming one.

The other night I was playing around with Ruby on Rails, Abilify australia. Abilify mexico, It was a lot of fun. Discount Abilify, Even with all my web development experience, I never really learned about database stuff. I just knew how to set up MySQL to work with whatever web application I needed, 200mg Abilify. 100mg Abilify, After playing with Ruby on Rails I learned a great deal about SQL syntax and how to install, and create databases (through command line), 30mg Abilify. 250mg Abilify, Fun stuff. Dangerous for me however, 750mg Abilify, 20mg Abilify, because my idea bank really starts to expand when I learn new things. When I get to work Monday my head was exploding with all these idea's for Altiris Helpdesk and how I was going to make it rockin', Discount Abilify. I've already done some code customization work to it that was noticeable to everyone right away so that was good, Abilify overseas. 40mg Abilify, Even a little encouragement and the idea's in my head explode. That's where I get into problems, Abilify japan. Abilify coupon, I have to start one idea and take it all the way, then start another idea, Abilify ebay. Discount Abilify, I tend to switch what I'm doing about every 5 minutes, it even annoys me. 1000mg Abilify, Point is, there are some things I want to start working on now, like the custom forms but that's not exactly the most important or demanding feature they want implemented.

So when I learned that the IT Director wanted to get the email notifications and automation running first I thought, shit. I'm going to have to document all of this. My mind works with visuals so to make these automation tools the idea's explode but if I don't get them down in a flow chart of some kind I get lost and I can't keep up with my brain. So I spend a lot of today writing those logic flows out, and I spent a lot of that time being completely distracted with down systems and down networks, Discount Abilify.

I've been so busy dealing with work fires (you know, shit just breaks sometimes) from our sites it's emptying my tank fast. I was on a conference call for 2 hours tonight, and on the phone with network engineers for an hour and I wasn't done working on putting these fires out until midnight. That's a 14 hour day today people and keep in mind that I'm a full time student. Yesterday I wasn't done until 10 PM. Do not want fires, I want to work on these projects and get my homework done and stuff.

I'm still not feeling well.

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When I hear "Party Girls" I think of some sorority girl from a rich family in Cancun drinking like a fish while hanging all over every guy she walks up to pulling up her shirt and flashing every camera she sees, Deltasone overseas. That's not what this espisode of Cops is about, buy Deltasone Over The Counter. Deltasone coupon, It's about girls out on the street prostituting.

I feel sorry for some of those girls, Deltasone canada. Deltasone craiglist, There is one single reason why any of those girls are there, and that is a bad situation, Deltasone india. 20mg Deltasone, Their home life was shitty, they get kicked out of the house at a young age, Deltasone uk, 1000mg Deltasone, they get addicted to drugs to hide and numb their pain, or they have other emotional problems, 750mg Deltasone. Buy Deltasone Over The Counter, Whichever the case, I bet if you asked any one of girls if they are where they want to be, they would say no. 100mg Deltasone, No one wants to grow up to be a prostitute. No one wants that life style, 150mg Deltasone. 250mg Deltasone, When I think of party girl, I think of a irresponsible college teenager having fun, Deltasone ebay. Deltasone australia, I don't think of a girl giving away the very being of herself to strangers, who's so miserable on the inside she convinced herself it will be ok, Deltasone mexico. Deltasone japan, Sad. What's equally as sad is the sorority girl will never have empathy because she has that silver spoon in her mouth to keep her from crying, 500mg Deltasone, 40mg Deltasone, otherwise known as Daddy's wallet. I don't know which is worse, Deltasone us.

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I truly do love education and I love learning, Antabuse australia. 10mg Antabuse, In fact I would probably go to school the rest of my life if I didn't have any other responsibilities or family to provide for. Things being how they are, 150mg Antabuse, Antabuse mexico, I'm looking forward to that time I can actually have to sit down for a while after coming home from work. It only makes me stronger I suppose, and I'm learning those time management skills I always wanted to know, buy Antabuse Over The Counter. I didn't exactly want to be forced into learning those however, Antabuse canada, 50mg Antabuse, lol.

I don't have to work this weekend so I have the next 48 hours to do with as I please, 20mg Antabuse, Antabuse japan, in a very responsible manner. I was fully expecting to be working this weekend so it was a nice surprise, Antabuse paypal. 500mg Antabuse, I have two movies from Netflix to watch ... which I might do as I'm looking up information for my System Administration class, 250mg Antabuse. 200mg Antabuse, Might as well get started.

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With all the mess from the medical stuff I'm far behind and I want to catch up, Plavix uk. 30mg Plavix, I'm finding my time becomes less and less lately and it's stressing me out in such a bad way that my health is failing. There really isn't much I can do about it at this point in time, so I have to carry on and try my best.

Both projects that are due are pretty huge, Discount Plavix. I have to be semi-coherent for both which I am right now, 40mg Plavix, Plavix coupon, I just don't know which to choose. Sleep is something I haven't been getting enough of obviously, 200mg Plavix, Plavix usa, but I don't want to feel like I've not gotten anything done. I've been on call this week for work and tonight has been a busy work night for me too, 1000mg Plavix, Plavix mexico, which again pushed school off to the side. Sigh, 50mg Plavix. 20mg Plavix, I think I'll start my paper ...
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Hgh For Sale, The pains that have been torturing my body for the last few weeks, decided they were at a rock concert in a mosh pit. My feet started swelling up the day before yesterday. I couldn't sleep, 100mg Hgh, I haven't had an appetite. Last night, while I was soaking my feet in the tub for some temporary relief I noticed that my toes, weren't anything like I had ever seen them before, Hgh uk. They were completely blue. I take a picture of them (I take pictures of everything, duh) and send the picture to my Mom, Hgh For Sale. She in turn sends it to my Aunt Donna who shows my Uncle Don (the doctor). 10mg Hgh,

Ohhhh boy. I knew something was bad when it was 11:30 at night and my iPhone started ringing off the hook. It's a well known fact that my Mother is horrible at telling me bad news. Hgh For Sale, My Aunt Donna has had "The-One-Who-Tells-Jen-Bad-News" title for about 15 years now, so I automatically assume if she calls me (especially late at night) that it's not good. I couldn't bring myself to answer the phone, Hgh ebay. My Aunt Donna knows this well too. It's my way of sliding "into" the news. 750mg Hgh, This is my Aunt Donna's trick. She will leave me a message, and she will tell me right off the bat that she misses me and loves me, Hgh For Sale. Then she doesn't tell me anything about what the bad news is, except that I need to call her right away because she needs to talk to me and she, Uncle Don and my Mother weren't going to sleep until I did, 250mg Hgh, and it was very important. Then she ends it with she loves me again. Hgh usa, She's so good at this, and she's also so brave at being "The-One-Who-Tells-Jen-Bad-News". Believe me, no one wants that role, Hgh india. No one.

Hgh For Sale, So, I get myself a glass of milk and waddle (I have to walk on the heels of my feet because of how swollen my feet and ankles were) out to the back porch and touch the Call Back button. I sit and listen. She's very good at explaining things without actually telling me the bloody details while giving special care on the urgency of the matter. Hgh coupon, Then Uncle (Dr) Don gets on the phone. He sucks at telling me bad news, but he usually doesn't get on the phone. My Aunt Donna quickly takes the phone back and I had agreed to go to the ER by the time I had hung up the phone, but ONLY until I took a shower first, Hgh For Sale. Aunt Donna said it was fine, 1000mg Hgh, but to please try not to doddle (I learned the word doddle from her, I love that word). 50mg Hgh,

Shortly after that, somewhere in between calling my Mother, taking a shower and doddling, my brain sort of unplugged itself, 150mg Hgh. That's the best way I can describe it since the next 1.5 hours are really fuzzy in my head. I could hear what Brendan and my Mother were saying to me, Hgh australia, but I couldn't match up the words. Hgh For Sale, I was confused, and nothing made sense. It's like everyone started talking in tongues. Brendan tells me that while I was in the shower I asked him what I was doing. My Mother called while we were in the car on the way to the hospital and she kept asking me how far from the hospital I was, Hgh mexico. I just couldn't understand the how far part, like my brain was skipping like a scratched record. I had to keep asking Brendan for help, Hgh For Sale. Hgh overseas, When I got to the hospital I couldn't tell them my birthdate, except that I wasn't 30 yet. I just couldn't figure out anything past that. When the nurse asked me what year it was, 30mg Hgh, I said that I knew it wasn't 2006, but I couldn't give her the year. Hgh japan, I guess I did know that Bush was president tho, altho Clinton was at the tip of my tongue. Hgh For Sale, I felt so, dumb. My brain, got stuck, 40mg Hgh, and after the nurse asked me more questions I couldn't answer I just started crying. I mean, 500mg Hgh, I know I should have known that stuff, but ... my brain was just stuck. I knew enough to know that wasn't right or normal, 200mg Hgh. That's when I got scared, Hgh For Sale. Something, in me, Hgh us, broke. Something just wasn't right, something was really wrong.

For the next 6 hours on an EKG I had three IV's stuck in me and I was just staring at the heart meter, watching my pulse and pulse oxygen level, Hgh paypal. Just watching. And then my brain turned back on. Hgh For Sale, It went from pause to play again. 20mg Hgh, Ironically during the foggy time, I don't remember as much pain. I just felt like my toe was dead. When my brain turned back on, Hgh craiglist, pain from all over my body throbbed. Blood test after blood test were taken. When one blood test came back as being fine, another one was ordered up, Hgh For Sale. Hgh canada, At around 6 or 7 AM the doctor came in the room (he had only been by for about 25 seconds previously just to ask what was going on) he said that they couldn't find anything wrong and they were going to send me home with water pills to help drain the swelling, and to follow up with my primary care physician.

Just like that. Not only was I more swollen (my hand was starting to swell at that point), but I was mad, stressed, frustrated at being dismissed when nothing had really changed (besides my brain going from the off to the on switch). Everything my Aunt Donna told me she was scared of happening, happened in regards to how the doctor was going to dismiss it and to be persistant). I again asked him how this had happened before in 2002 and how I've felt so horrible the last few weeks, and how my tests always come back showing good stats, but obviously there was something really wrong. Hgh For Sale, He said to see my primary care doc and elivate my feet in the meantime. Here is what just one of my feet looked like. I thought if I went to sleep, I'd wake up and my toes would dead.


Dying Toes

I won't go into a tangent about how I hate healthcare in this country. If no one has seen the movie "sicko" then see it, please. It's such bullshit. Brains don't just "turn off" and body limbs don't swell up to the point of cutting circulation randomly or by a fluke like travel or such, Hgh For Sale. It just doesn't happen.

So, me and my balloon feet are going to see my primary care doc and go through the whole thing again, with a new set of bloodwork and repeating events of the last few weeks. And I'm scared. I'm scared that they still won't find anything and I'll still go on with all this for the rest of my life wishing for one day, I could get through the day, without pain. I just want to feel good.
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Buy Cafergot No Prescription, "Feelings of unreality, depersonalization, withdrawal, and an anesthetizing of affect. Cafergot overseas, The person feels unable to come to terms with what just occurred."

Around the year anniversary of his death the anger and rebellion set in. The denial wasn't over by any means, Cafergot usa, Cafergot us, it was just being ignored as I acted out against life for being so unfair. I remained stuck in that stage for 3 years living in the vortex of chaos and unhealthy relationships, Cafergot ebay. Cafergot uk, Wikipedia has information about the "Volatile Reactions" would should also be called the spiraling downhill out of control stage.
"Whenever one's identity and social order face the possibility of destruction, there is a natural tendency to feel angry, frustrated, helpless and/or hurt, Buy Cafergot No Prescription. The volatile reactions of terror, 250mg Cafergot, Cafergot australia, hatred, resentment, Cafergot mexico, Cafergot paypal, and jealousy are often experienced as emotional manifestations of these feelings."

When I look back at it now I see loss and grief not only in the time of death, but when there is loss of a friendship, 1000mg Cafergot, Cafergot canada, a dream, the sense of safety, and of possessions. Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss. The emotional effect is the same (though loss in the case of death, especially sudden and unexpected highens the intensity of the grieving process) and the same steps of the naturally occuring grieving process is triggered.

I will be the first to admit that I don't handle loss and grief well at all. Buy Cafergot No Prescription, I'm still dealing with losses from 10 years ago, trying to bring that process full circle. It's also made me a better person. I never got to tell my Father goodbye. We hadn't spoken to each other in a week due to a silly fight. Since that time my Mother and I never end a phone conversation or an email without telling each other "I love you!"

The losses that I've had along the way that weren't a result of death have been forefront in my mind. Maybe I'm making up for the rotten last words I ever spoke to my Father, but I'm determined not to leave a situation in hurt and anger, Buy Cafergot No Prescription. The only thing I can control is myself and that has been pushing me to patch up those losses while I can, even if it's to properly say goodbye.

I wanted to make a video demonstrating this emotion because I always have a hard time putting these emotions into words. Rather, I can visualize the emotion in my mind. This video is symbolic to the trials of Loss and Grief. It's called "Love and Loss" ..




Love and Loss


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