.:: Yolospat ::.

I held your hand so many years
And my heart screams the absence
The confusion blocked by crimson hatred
Echo of my cries return the monster inside

I ride this denial like it doesn’t hurt
My angst hidden behind the curtain
I shove my hand in boiling water
Expose my flesh hide my heart

My eyes speak chaotic disarray
In your direction running the
Opposite course of your soul
Played like a board game kept in the closet

I’ll never forget, I’ll always miss
My past holds on speaking over you voice
Not giving you the chance
To slam the door as you walk away.

I’m having a really rough week. I couldn’t even go to work yesterday because everything hurt so bad I didn’t even want to get out of bed. Then today, due to the heavy rains I slipped and fell at work. Slipping and falling isn’t such a big deal for most people, but when you have Fibromyalgia it’s a snowball rolling downhill getting bigger and bigger. My knee is all bruised up and hurt for a little while. A few hours lately my whole leg started throbbing and burning with pain. Add that to the upperback/neck flare that I’ve had for the last week and a half. It doesn’t matter how many pain pills I take, the pain .. just .. never .. goes .. away.

I want to throw myself down and kick and scream and pound my fists into the ground in a full out tantrum, just as some sort of distraction from the pain if only for a few seconds. I get so discouraged and isolated with it. Even more, I’m angry at it.

I’m angry that I can’t be fixed, like you can fix a broken arm, or a headache. I’ve also come to hate the word “chronic” … I don’t want to be associated with that, I don’t want to live on the same planet as that but weeks like the one I’ve had, reminds me that I can’t get away.

Each week when I go in for treatment I talk to the ladies who are also getting IV therapy and we all tell our story. It’s almost like a support group while being pumped full of medicine. Some of these woman (and the occasional man) have amazing stories, and some of them are stories filled with sorrow.

One girl in particular who is around my age said that she lost all her friends, due to the mood swings, the constant fatigue, being hyper sensitive both emotionally and physically. She said the only ones that supported her before and after diagnosis was her parents and her husband. An older lady had the same type of story because her friends thought she didn’t want to do anything socially because she was being a snob, when in reality, she was bedridden and barely making it through each day. Then she started tearing up, saying she missed her friends so much. Naturally, if one woman in a room of women is crying, she was handed 3 boxes of kleenex and several hugs (as we tried not to get tangled in each others IV lines hooked to our arms.

I guess I’ve been lucky in the fact that I only lost one. Everyone in my life a few years short of a decade have stuck around and road the roller-coaster with me and it’s been one bumpy ride.

What gives me hope are the ladies that come walking into the treatment room with energy and light and you can see in their face they feel good. They always tell me the same thing. Hang in there, follow your doctors directions, take your medicine and supplements, and keep it up. It’s not an instant cure. There isn’t a cure. But there is such thing as living a healthy, energetic life with managed pain. These women have been going through this treatment plain with Dr. C for 8 months to 2 years. So, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I just need a bigger basket of patients.

With Brendan working now we were playing the “share the car” dance for the last few weeks. That wasn’t fun, and I wasn’t excited about driving at 10:30 at night to go pick him up, especially when I have meds that make me super sleepy at night. That didn’t make me feel safe at all. So, we decided that we needed to get another car
It’s a 2009 Toyota Corolla. It had 18 miles on it when I drove it off the lot. It’s safe, reliable and great on gas mileage. The VW passat already has 105,000 miles on it so it was time to get another one, especially if we are to make any road trips to Colorado or California. Anyway, I’m excited and happy with it

I’m still recovering from feeling like dog shit at the end of last week and over the weekend. Health complications, as usual.

I’m bombarded with make up assignments in school after missing the last few assignments in my Java class and with my nose to the grind I’m trying to get those completed both tonight and tomorrow before I have another class that begins. Ugh. I’m also on call for work somewhere this week. I also haven’t made an appointment for my treatment day. Ugh. So much to do, so little resources.

Now to get started hoping that there isn’t an emergency at work …

I’m more of a tree hugger when it comes to the environment. I try to recycle, I don’t waste water, I respect nature, I eat naturally organic food (mostly). Yesterday when I was heading to my car out in the parking lot to take my husband to work I was chewing gum. It was hot out, and the gum started losing it’s flavor and without thinking I just spit it out. Normally I would never do something like this, it was just a thoughtless act. I hate when I step in gum that’s been sitting out in the hot sun sizzling and getting all gooey and sticky, which only makes it that much harder to remove from your shoe if you step in it.

After taking my husband to work and as I walked through the parking lot back to my own work, I stepped in it. It was hot, sizzling, gooey, and slimy.

Karma is so fast.

I got my labs back from my blood work today. I’m a mess, and my body hates me.

My thyroid went on vacation and forgot to come back, my hormones must be with my thyroid because my body hasn’t seen those in a while, the diabetes decided to move in, and all the infections I’ve had the last few years are hiding out in my veins still, and my immune system said fuck it. So my adrenal glands saw my immune system throw up its hands and decided to follow suit. So because they were sitting around doing nothing, they joined thyroid and hormones on vacation and, because the grass is greener on the other side, never came back.

In other words, I’m really really sick. And I’m going to be really really sick, for a long time before my grass is greener and my organs want to come home and start functioning again. That’s if I can find out the vacation hiding spot, because if I don’t I’m screwed.

Sigh.

It was odd today, being in the house all by myself. It was Brendan’s first day of orientation. He got to learn all about Publix and was forced to be social. Due to his painfully shy nature, I think it was good for him and gave him a bit of confidence. Shhhhh, don’t tell him.

So what did I do while I had the house to myself? Well, nothing that I wouldn’t usually do. I read my RSS feeds, I watched the Olympics, I played WoW, and remembered to take all my meds. I didn’t have a bubble bath surrounded by candles, I didn’t run around the house naked, I didn’t do anything other than the usual. It was still nice
I got a memory foam mattress topper for my bed. Its like soft quicksand when you lay down. Boy was it nice. I slept the entire night without waking up once.

I better to pay attention to Karazhan …

I’m a bit pissed of at WoW tonight. This is the second time I’m getting caught up in this mess. I level a character with others saying “yes yes we’ll play together, blah blah” and “why aren’t you 70 yet” “I can’t wait till your 70″ blah blah … and yet, they don’t help me level, they don’t even play with me (ok, maybe twice, but still)! Classic sucker, that’s what I am. Gah people are so fucking selfish.

I did just pass the 60 level mark with my new alliance priest. I missed healing, I’m a damn good healer, it’s just my character. Mage is too, when I’m in a mage mood.

Getting up early tomorrow to see Brendan off to his first day of orientation for his new job. Just weird. I’m going to have 6+ hours all to myself. For the first time we’re going to be car swapping. Having one car all the sudden, sucks. With gas prices, what’s the point of two cars? I could totally see myself on one of those little scooters. My husband and my Mother already said, no. Damn.

I’m downloading LOTR Online, on Crossover Games. I have a level 8 Lore-Master who throws ashes from her pocket. It kicks ass.

It’s amazing what going home can do after a horrible day at work. Just being “home” .. I still will never understand how I happen to find this house but every single day I turn that corner and see this forest with beautiful huge trees and this warm “your home now” house hiding under the greenery. I still haven’t found quite a lovely looking property. The dance of the millions of fireflies in the back yard when the sun disappears and the stars twinkle is truly surreal. I want to try and capture this beauty sometime on film, but I’m still fumbling with thoughts on how to do this with the camera’s I have, and not dishing out several grand for a professional type device.

Speaking of lovely things. My nieces.

My little (not so little anymore) Sharon and Savannah (I’m positive she gets her green eyes and tint of red hair from me, hehe) I love those girls. I need to get back out to Texas sometime soon and spoil the heck out of em. Yes yes, I know sissy, sooner than later, right?

I’m so frustrated with my job. Sometimes, especially when I feel like I’m putting 150% into my job, I’m getting -50% back. Because I’m one of two people that knows how certain things work around here technology wise, I work more and spent more time on getting the problems fixed because problems don’t go away, and our department doesn’t exactly grow in size. In fact, it seems to get smaller. I’m not the only one here that feels this way.

It’s frustrating. I was asked to research out a problem today that I had already exhausted my resources on. All fingers pointed to one individual to fix the problem. I was told not to dump this problem on this individual, so I went to seek help from other individuals. They all said “Ask IndividualIAmNotSupposedToAsk” … nice. Nothing like being a ping pong ball. I think more time/effort is spent on politics then the actual issue. This has been such a problem lately. I’m so not down with drama, or the politics, I just want to do my job and make technology work. I like technology, but it’s only nice when it works, ya know? That’s my job. I fix things. Being completely frustrated with that I set that problem aside.

Then I get a call. It was one of those arrogant men who thinks all woman are secretaries if they are in IT, because they just aren’t smart enough to “actually” be in IT. I just love those types, you know, they talk to you like they are leaving a message on an answering machine. Anyway, this guy was telling me about a server of his, and why it wasn’t working. It’s a Linux box, right? He was getting the error message “Boot device not found” .. he wanted to know what to change in the BIOS because he thought it was a hard drive problem. I wanted to make sure the hard drive was getting power and he says he was positive that that CDROM was. Caught off guard, I asked him to tell me what he tried. With a snooty tone he says he threw the Windows XP Boot CD in the drive and was able to install Windows.

:: head desk ::

When I was silent (more so in shock) he told me, he has Degree’s and he knows what he’s doing.

I’m so ready to go home.

I love add-ons in firefox. I love them to the point that I over do it sometimes. I install experimental ones. I experiment in writing some. That leaves my Firefox very bloated and swelling with a bunch of nonsense that doesn’t need to be there. The best part about it, is I simply Export my bookmarks, AppZapp Firefox, re-install and import bookmarks to start all over again on a clean plate.

Firefox, I love you.

MacBook Pro, I love you more. You make my life smile.

With receipt in hand, my new iPhone won’t be here till Wednesday, but I couldn’t wait any longer.

Heh.

Sometimes you have to indulge on what makes you happy, so you can temporarily forget about the monster that’s destroying my body.

It’s been a pretty busy and hectic week. I feel like I’m panting in exhaustion just thinking about the range of emotions that spun about.

The first incoming news on Monday was incredible news to say the least. My husband has finally found a job at Publix. When he called me at work I nearly jumped off my chair with excitement. I went in with him after work to take his drug test and all that stuff. One of the managers I met there was really nice, except she talked really really fast. I wanted to tell her to take a breath. By the time she was doing saying whatever it was she was saying she was almost gasping for air. It made me giggle inside.

So with exciting good news, came my IV treatment on Wednesday. They couldn’t find my vein in my right arm and after 2 sticks and a lot of digging around for a vein UNDER my skin did the nurse try for my left are. Two more sticks, a lot of digging and eventual infusion (where the medicine goes under your skin instead of in your vein) did she bypass trying again and finally got a vein in my hand that didn’t try dodging away. Sure is a good thing I’m not scared of needles.

Usually when I go through treatment the first IV bag of medicine is always the worst. It makes me feel sooo ill. I sit there and squirm while I’m having cold sweats wishing the hour it takes for the medicine to get into me would hurry along. The second IV bag is cake. No pain associated with that one. Its like the cool down from a vigorous work out. The ill feeling always seems to come back in an hour or two tho, and last throughout the day. Only 10 more courses of treatment left. Sigh.

Starting next week I’m going to have to give myself my own shots, 1-2 times a week. Like I said before. Good thing I’m not scared of needles.

Sad news came yesterday, when my Mother and I sold “The Farm” .. the place I grew up. Where the memories of my Father still remain locked in my head. It was very emotional for me. I cried off and on at work even, trying to dab the tears from my eyes at work so no one would see. That’s the last piece of my childhood left that I was holding onto. It’s for the better, especially financially, but it still stings.

So today marks Friday, and I’m glad to have the next two days off. I’m exhausted, and in a bit more pain today than yesterday. I just want to go home.