Why have I decided to put it in book form? I’ve had so many people ask me to tell them everything that has happened and the enormity is just too vast to put in an email or over an evening meal. It’s 33 years of a full circle joining as one again. I’ve had a lot of book idea’s for the last few years as it was. Some of them are halfway finished, some I started on or haven’t edited yet. My sister, Darci, and I have started a book together. It’s mostly her book and I read through and put in my two cents or if changes need to be made. I have decided to concentrate on my “Journey of Family” book first (not sure if that will be the ending title, but it’s how I will refer to it until there is a finalized title).

I’ve been getting back in the habit of writing after a month and a half long writers block. For the last few years I’ve been mostly writing in the analog form. The good old paper journal and a pen. Shortly after my trip when I flew out to see Brendan and meet up with Darci and Shane I ran out of pens and because money is as tight as it can be right now I just stopped writing. Writing for me is not only therapeutic but it helps me work through my thoughts better especially with the ADD. I also get too claustrophobic in my own body if I don’t get all those emotions, thoughts and feelings outside of myself and writing is my vice for that. Last month I’ve trying commit to writing everyday again in my LiveJournal (friends only) just to type and free write. It’s been helping as it always has and I felt confident enough to start back up here on my public blog. Not saying it’s going to be an everyday thing, but I’m going to shoot for at least twice a week. I don’t want to over pressure myself along with the other projects I’m working on that I can’t talk about it. Stay tuned! ]]> http://yolospat.com/2011/08/30/journey-of-family-in-book-form/feed/ 0 http://yolospat.com/2011/07/20/brendan-is-home-and-life-is-peachy/#utm_source=rss&utm_medium=rss&utm_campaign=brendan-is-home-and-life-is-peachy http://yolospat.com/2011/07/20/brendan-is-home-and-life-is-peachy/#comments Wed, 20 Jul 2011 11:41:52 +0000 Jenny http://yolospat.com/?p=566 So much has happened in the last month. I have also been asleep for the majority of the last month but that I’ll explain later.

Brendan arrived in his Penske moving van on July 2nd. I drove to Platteville and met him at the cemetery so I could finally introduce him to my Father. We had planned this ahead of time. When he called letting me know he hit Brighton I was so full of energy. I bought this house a month after we got divorced with the mild hope that one day we could share it together. It’s been a big house for just the one of me (and the kdis of course) so the excitement of coming full circle, this year of dream after dream coming true, I was shining. When I was about 1/2 mile from the cemetery he called me letting me know he arrived. I stayed on the phone with him until I could walk up and give him the biggest hug, holding him, holding onto home (oxygen tank in tow). I won’t get into the introduction between Brendan and my Father because it’s one of those memories that is so meaningful one tends to cherish it selfishly.

We headed toward Greeley in a follow-the-leader fashion, me in the lead. I told Brendan about the road system in Greeley so he would start getting an idea. It’s really easy. Streets run east/west, ave’s run north/south. All the streets are numbered and run in chronological order so it’s pretty easy to find your way around once you know the area you live in. Once Brendan was home, and slightly unpacked we went to Fort Collins for dinner at the Armadillo to celebrate his homecoming.

When we got home it was like we picked up where we left off. One difference. There has been LOTS of laughing. I remember going to sleep that night and waking up some 36 hours later. Ever since I’ve been extremely exhausted (I’m also trying to get off my oxygen). I thought it was part of my fibro flaring up until Mom reminded me how fearful I’ve been living alone. Listening for every sound. Don’t get me wrong, I live in a GREAT neighborhood, and I’ve been living like this for the last 2 years. I didn’t realize how much stress and energy I have been hauling around on my shoulders and the safety of having Brendan here let me release all that pend up anxiety and I’m getting it out by sleeping. I’m awake more and more each day and we’re enjoying each day with each other working together instead of apart. I guess we’re taking every single mistake we’ve made with each other and learning from it. Did I mention we’re doing a lot of laughing?

In a week and a day I’ll be leaving on an airplane to Wisconsin where I’m meeting my sister, brother, brother-in-law and my beautiful little niece who will be turning 1 year old on the 30th. From the airport we’ll be driving to Momma Dawna and Papa’s house. I can’t wait. I’m going to really try to get off this oxygen before I leave. I’ve been taking 1 liter when I sleep and try to go without it while I’m awake. I sort of have my days and nights mixed up again. Sleeping durning the day when it’s hottest, and being awake at night when it’s nice and cooled down. We’re getting A/C soon, it’s going to be so nice. And we’ll get used to days instead of nights, especially with Brendan looking for work.

So that’s the latest news in my personal life. More to come with the creative side of life.

It wasn’t until I moved to Florida back in 2005 when I started finding confidence within myself, my decisions, and my life. I put all my time and energy into my job learning as much as I could as quickly as I could and when I found my husband I never once thought anything could stop my uphill climb. When I got sick, lost my best friend, job, husband, and house I not only took a major face plant, but I didn’t even try to get back up on my feet again. I waved my white flag in defeat believing that that was the end of me. I erased all the hopes and dreams I had once had and replaced those with negativity, self-pity, depression, and filled up the emptiness with what-if’s, and what-might-have-beens. I convinced myself that everything bad that’s ever happened to me was somehow my fault or that I deserved it and that my purpose in life was to be other people’s punching bags and doormats to wipe their muddy boots on. I ALLOWED myself to believe that not because it was true but because my hope meter was on empty and I didn’t know how to change that. I didn’t think that I had the power within me to try.

When I first moved back to Colorado I started writing, a LOT. I would fill a 5′ 9″ 400 page journal front and back every few months. I poured all the poison within me onto those pages letting my subconscious take over, taking the poison out of me and along with my art I slowly started to heal. I think I was on my 4th journal when I re-read that first journal and realized that I was at a different place in my mind and heart than I was when I first vomited up the bile through a pen onto page after page and realized that through words and through writing, I’ve always managed to keep some sort of balance in my life. It was the times I didn’t write when I would self-destruct and life got off kilter, no matter what the circumstance. I started reading old journals from high school, and from middle school all the way back to my very first journals that started in elementary school and through my own words I saw that I grew with each journal, and with each year, through each problem, with each heartache. I started reading my old poetry and saw my growth from the first one I’d ever written to the last one. Since all things happen for a reason, and they happen when they are supposed to, finding my biological family couldn’t have come at a more perfect time. It was the first time I felt I deserved to be happy.

With my newfound confidence that came from within I allowed myself to be happy, because I deserved to be. My glass when from being half empty to half full. Next thing I know, I’ve reconciled with my husband and even though he never really left my life or heart – he returned with a freshness that was new again and lovely. I learned acceptance, forgiveness, and the voids that were ever present the last 32 years of my life were full for the first time. I learned who I was, and allowed myself to love myself. I learned what unconditional truly meant and said goodbye to the haunting ghosts of the past so I could focus on the rainbows of tomorrow. I’ve also learned to listen better to life’s whispers instead of waiting for life to smack me across the head with a fry pan to get my attention. With that, I’ve learned to trust my heart.

Sure, I still have bad days and the occasional moments when I feel sorry for myself but as each day those times grow less and less and my focus is on what really matters. There has always been people in my life who have believed in me, but I don’t really think a person can accept that until they find that belief within themselves. So what holds me back these days? Only I can hold me back and with that knowledge I become a little more free. My focus now is completing that word free, and turning it into free-DOM and I know I’ll get there, someday.

The last few weeks my asthma has been giving me fits. Colorado has been quite hazy lately due to the Arizona wild fires and because 2 + 2 = 4 it was a no brainer why I’d been having difficulty breathing. There were several times last week that I “almost” went to urgent care when my O2 levels started dipping down between 90-93. A few years ago when I still lived in Georgia I purchased my own pulse oxygenation gadget (if you’ve ever been in the ER or the hospital, it’s that little thing they put on your finger to monitor your pulse and the oxygen levels in your blood system) from CVS, recommended by my pulmonary doctor after my last asthma attack that landed me in the hospital for a few days and later on home oxygen for a month. Normal is between 93-100%.

Last wednesday my breathing was extremely labored to the point my ribs hurt and the pain was radiating to my back because I was having to consciously breath. I had been doing breathing treatments for a week and using my fast acting inhaler (ProAir) but neither were working. I texted my oxygen levels throughout the day and my numbers kept going down from 93%, to 90%, to 88% and I reluctantly made the decision to go to the ER once I got down to 86% when I started to feel faintish. I knew what would happen before I left since I’ve been hospitalized 3 times previously for this very same occurrence and brought my kindle with me expecting to sit in the ER for a few hours. I was pretty pale by this point and Momma K told me my lips looked white. WHen I got there I got yet another breathing treatment, they took down my history and decided to put me on 2.5 liters of oxygen. Once my oxygen deprived body got some oxygen I almost immediately felt better and the color started to return to my face. When they took the oxygen away an hour later I had dropped down to 85% in less than 30 seconds so they made the decision to admit me to the hospital because I was so hypoxic.

Out of the 4 times I’ve been in the hospital for my asthma, this last time was the most pleasurable. All the nurses were so nice and helpful, and most of all … sincere. When a person is so sick to where they need to be in the hospital the positive and kind energy of the staff makes all the difference between wanting to get well and staying hopeful or being at the other end of the spectrum of hopelessness and depression. With all my medical problems in the last 4 years there hasn’t been one single person as dedicated to helping me as my two nurses on duty, Rhonda & Shane. I’ve gotten so used to being let down, or not finding answers, or having the knowledge that I wasn’t important or worthy enough to invoke concern in both the people around me and especially medical professionals. It’s something I’ve been struggling with for years. More people have disappeared from my life once I got sick than any other time in my whole life and I didn’t fully understand why until earlier this year. With the exception of one person, my Aunt Martha, no one has experienced what I’ve experienced and struggled with so how could they possibly understand the change in me spending so much energy in trying to hide invisible yet very real pain (at least with my Chronic Fatigue and Fibro). I think it’s easier for a person to put distance between themselves and something they don’t understand out of fear. Often there is a lot of misunderstanding and frustration and I know and understand that. I’ve accepted that. I almost EXPECT that. It was a nice surprise to be treated like a real person those two days in the hospital instead of some disabled invalid. The disease is in my body, not my mind and it’s easy for people to pass judgement. I think that’s why I don’t talk much about my health anymore and it’s a big reason why dropped off the face of the earth. It’s hard to be dependent when I’ve been overly independent my whole life. The limitations have taken a huge toll on my self worth but I’m not anywhere near accepting defeat.

So I’m on home oxygen for the next 3-4 weeks tethered to a 50 foot tube connected to my oxygen concentrator. It’s almost like being on house arrest. Thank the universe for my kindle and the internet or I’d go nuts with cabin fever.

Father’s Day was another hard day. My sister was there for me (thank you sis for being sensitive about it and for “getting” it, you know what I’m talking about). I’m on the mend. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and even more worrying with trying to get Brendan moved here. I’m tired and exhausted, but I have my moments of motivation and today was one of those moments. I’m at the stage where I’m doing a lot of soul seeking, listening to my heart as much as possible even when I disagree with what it’s telling me and there are many things left to figure out, but I’m making a dent in that area of my life and will continue to do so. I even made an appointment down at the social security office to apply for disability. Part of me has put it off because it feels like I’ve given up. Only recently I’ve realized that I haven’t given up, my heart hasn’t, my body might think differently. I hate labels and I don’t want to be labeled as a “disabled” person. I don’t see myself that way even tho many others do. It only makes me want to fight harder so I can one day feel accomplishment and be proud of myself again. I’ve been grieving my old life before I got sick and I know it will never be the same as it used to be. Attitude makes all the difference so I try in every situation to see the good, to learn the lesson and to learn from my mistakes. I do believe that I can find fulfillment again, I just have a few more hurdles yet to jump over …

I’m a caged bird right now and I want nothing less than to fly free.

Throughout the last two years I haven’t been able to adjust to life after my divorce. I’ve had a nervous breakdown, fumbled and fallen countless times, but I never stopped loving the man I said  my vows to on October 13th, 2006. Not that I never stopped loving, because I desperately wanted to stop hoping that the pain without him would go away. My heart and I were fighting an outright war with each other. Heart 1, Jenny 0. It was impossible for me to let go. The loneliness, the sleepless nights, the fear of life without him was raining in my face each and every day clouding everything around me as the storm of grief and sadness thundered.

After finding my biological family gave me a purpose only resurrected by the love my heart held for him. Now my Penguin is coming home to me. My fear filled nights will soon be over. Maybe we needed to be apart to know for sure of our love for one another. Maybe we needed to live in our own personal hell to listen to the truth our hearts spoke and speak. I’ll soon be a wife again to the only  man I’ve ever called husband. We had to learn how to be friends again before we realized how to be lovers for the second time. The week I spent with Brendan a few weeks ago was the testament to our love and together we got to meet our new family where I stayed the weeks after.

When I bought this house a year and several months ago I bought it with the vision of us spending our lives in it. The master bedroom has been unused for so long because it was too big and lonely without him sharing it with me. Within a months time I’ll spend my first night back in the master bedroom with my husband for the first time in what feels like an eternity.

I never believed in fate or pink clouds. I’ve always been a believer that we are in charge of ourselves and our destiny. My failing health and the divorce only crushed the belief in fate and happiness two years ago. This year has told me differently, its proven to me that the phrase “Never let go of the one you love” is not only true but instilled in me more strongly than I’d ever realized.

I know now that fate does exist. It’s brought me back together with my ex-husband now only figuratively but literally. Sometime in the future we plan on doing it the right way. Have a proper wedding with my sisters wedding dress. Have a proper future, the one we gave up prematurely when times got tough. Now I see that it only brought us closer together, now I see that it was needed, at least for us to realize something we had already known.

I love you family.

Me and my Penguin together again. This time, forever.

Me, Brother Shane, and Sister Darci. We don't look related at all, lol.

Finding Her True Path
by Darci Witucke

A life assaulted with fear
A light lingers ever so softly
In the distance reaching…floating
The darkness clutches at her heals
The weakened heart struggles in sorrow
Singing in hushed whispers comes a sound
Bells toll as the light brightens realization
Malevolence strikes without warning
Burning the hand that dares touch it
Fading lights hover never ceasing
Hope reins evaporating loneliness
An unopened envelope clutches the handle
Endless wonderment pours into view
Light dances teasingly ever closer
Obscurity stumbles into the corner
Cowering anger boils forth raging
Alienation equips itself for victory
Her heart glows with reflection
A mirror transforms her broken image
Knowledge floods her with astonishment
Light prevails over the winds of change
Unbending light envelopes her emotion
The spirit bends willingly to change
Evil scatters from the strength of intensity
A candle to ever be burning never ceasing
Love sword slips quietly loose to free her soul.

Copyright 2011

Thank you my dear Sister, I love you with all my heart. You are the window of the reflection in the mirror.

I’m not even going to say “it’s been a while” .. seems redundant. Fact is, I’ve been busy. Very busy.

On February 19th I had a “Celebrate Life” bash for the 12th anniversary of my Fathers death. I’m tired of being sad. I’m done grieving. I’d rather feel happy when I think of him, and now, I do.

That day, I got to announce that altho I lost my Father, I’ve recently found my biological family (I’m adopted). For those that  know me, being adopted has written on the book of who I am. The hardest part about it was, I never knew who I really was. I never felt whole. Beyond me was an empty hole and that was supposed to be my history. That hole is whole. I have been embraced by both my bio Father’s side and bio Mom’s side of the family with open arms flooding me with unconditional love. I’m proud to say, I’m no longer an only child. I’m one of 5 brother and sisters, the middle child is where I fit. I have an additional 4 step-siblings and an Aunt to many nieces and nephews. Four sisters, a brother, and my Mom and over 3 dozen Aunts and Uncles and over 5 dozen cousins. My bio Father died when he was 36.

Not only did I get this enormous family but I’ve gained a best friend in my sister Darci. We talk daily, always more than an hour this past month. I’m still getting to know my Brother altho he’s busy. My bio Mom calls me her baby girl, I love it.

I’ll be spending a week with my older brother and younger sister (Mom calls us the three triplets because we all have red hair and look so much alike) the first week of April. I’ll be spending the last week of March with my husband. I can’t wait.

It’s been a life changing year thus far. I’m happy to be in the front row watching it unfold in front of me.

I was anxious that my adopted Mother would feel threatened. All those fears went away when Mom told me she was excited and she’s looking forward to the new extended family we will be gaining.

I didn’t sleep a wink last night. My mind was running a million miles a second. Still is, it feels so surreal. I will write an update tonight about my life changing day.

The one person I have control over is me. I’ve learned some pretty hard lessons this last year I’m surprised I made it out with my sanity. I’m going to let go of the last horrible rotten year and leave it in the past. I will carry with me those lessons learned. They are the only stow aways that are permitted to come with me into 2011.

I will do everything in my power to kick myself. I’m going to kick my ass out of the pity parties that have been coming around more and more it seems. I’m going to get myself out from underneath this cloud of negativity. I’m not going to be afraid to fail – because i will from time to time and I can grow from it – at least I would have tried.

My first leap into making this the year of Yolospat has to do with my better half. My best friend and soulmate. My ex-husband. I know I know, you’re all thinking, “You’re best friends with your ex-husband?!” Well, we are a rare breed I suppose. In fact, we have better communication skills now with each other than when we were married. I would have not made it through this last year without him. It’s been a year and almost 4 months since I saw him last so this month I’m going to fly out to Georgia to see him. We are both excited, and it gives us something to look forward to. We never got to say goodbye when we made – in my opinion – too rash of a decision. Growth and good changes between us have happened, and also individually that couldn’t have happened had we still been together. Brendan is what smiles are made of, and I can’t wait to see him. We have agreed that I would bring his xmas box with me instead of shipping it so that we can open his presents together.

I have a few projects lined up for this next year. I will be focusing on my writing this year. This includes my blogs, articles, journaling, poetry, freelancing, short stories and a novel I’m working on at the moment. I’m also going to be focusing on my artwork and bring my portfolio into existence. I’m going to try and volunteer at the humane society. I also have house projects lined up, like painting a few rooms, my fence and my deck. I need to put the art studio back together too. I think I might bring the studio inside and put it int he basement for the winter so I won’t have to worry about heating the garage (which is detached from the home).

I have to remember to pace myself. Living with Fibromyalgia is a very tricky balancing act. If I have a good day and I use up more energy than I should have I’ll be in bed for the next 2 days exhausted. I have to remember that I can only do so much and the better I pace myself the greater my “good days” will be. I also want to talk about Fibromyalgia this year in detail to spread the word and to debunk the myths. I’ve talked about it briefly from time to time but it’s a very hard medical condition to understand. I want to help people understand, so anyone has questions please feel free to ask.

My Writer’s Market book came in the mail yesterday. It’s what every writer needs in reference to publishing, agents, writing idea’s, tips and tricks. You name it, it’s got it. It also has the updated 2011 list of all agents and houses, including what they specialize in and what they are looking for. I also got the Short Story Writer’s Market book too.

I hope everyone makes this year a better year. I know I am.

I’ve been gearing up for NaNoWriMo!! NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month where one has to write 50,000 words of their novel from November 1st through November 30’s. This will be my first year doing it. I’m excited. You can follow my progress at My NaNoWriMo page. I’m writing a lot of short stories this month, and practicing on some writing prompts I have been collecting over the last year since I missed it last year.

Speaking of missing NaNoWriMo last year, sigh. This is the month of October and in 4 more days will be the anniversary of the day I got married. It’s almost going to be a year since I’ve seen my husband ex-husband. It doesn’t feel possible, it feels like a decade. And the worst part about it is through all the hustle and bustle of getting packed and moved, we never got to say goodbye to each other. The other worst part is that I don’t know when I will see him again. I miss him more than any word I can think of in the English language. Its emotional agony, only worse. I lost my soul-mate and my best friend all at the same time. Adjusting to being a single female living by myself is an adjustment I keep fighting subconsciously. I feel scared much of the time, especially at nights knowing he’s not here makes everything seem empty, but through my art, writing, reading, crocheting, and now knitting, I’m trying to keep myself as busy as possible. I’m so grateful for our telephone calls nearly every night, and I’m thankful we keep in constant communication and we’ve both grown from this experience, and he will always be my soul-mate no matter what happens in the future. The distance is so hard though, just so hard. When incidents happen like they did with “Lance” a week ago it makes me wish I were still in Georgia.

Jonah is a lot better. His face is healing at a remarkable speed. The scabs are starting to fall off and new skin is fresh and pink underneath. My friend David got a new puppy. A miniature Chihuahua named taco. I was scared at first that taco and Molly would butt heads for dominance but it was amazing how fast she took to him. This is the first time she’s meeting a dog smaller than her, it was so cute. David made a funny joke. He said if Molly and Taco had puppies, they would have tamales. Hehe. Pictures coming soon of Taco. I’m also building a computer for David that he can use now that he’s gone back to school and kicking ass with his grades.

I’ve been using my iPad a lot for writing out my short stories and my writing exercises. For some reason I’ve gotten a talent for tying on it. It actually makes me write even more than I do already. I found a program on the iPad called Manuscript that connects to DropBox so I work on it no matter where I am.