And we set off toward the park. I didn’t realize how distraught Jonah was going to be without Molly. He usually whimpers and cries when I leave the house but it was like he was being tortured when i took Molly and not him (he goes for walks without Molly and Molly usually just chases the cat around) and it’s too hard on me to take both of them because their leashes get wrapped around each other and I don’t have money to get one of those Y leashes. Anyway, I could still hear Jonah howling 3 blocks away. I thought he would eventually settle down because Mommy always came home and he knew that.

As I neared the park I started looking around for a group of people indicating where the wedding was. It’s a big park with a big lake in the middle. It was so bloody hot, sweat was rolling down my face. I’ve always been a bit sweater, not like some of those girls who stay nice and dry who’s makeup doesn’t even smudge (like I wear makeup but you know what I mean). I decided to cut through the center of the park, where there was a bridge that went over the center of the lake so I could could get an eagle eye view of the park so I could find this wedding since I was 5 minutes late at that point. Then right when I was nearing the middle of the bridge I thought I saw Molly out of the corner of my eye jump over the railing bar. I turned around but my right foot didn’t turn with me and I lost my balance going right through the center of the bridge bars and head first toward the lake. Because I had Molly’s leash tied around my hand she came tumbling in after me. As soon as I hit the water I started looking for Molly which didn’t take long because I could feel her cocooning on my head. So with one hand balancing her on my head I used the other hand to swim toward the shore.

A really nice middle aged couple saw what happened and were at the side of the lake ready to help me up and out. The lady had a hard time getting Molly off my head and I kept slipping on the mud but I finally got out and just plopped right down on the grass in shock of what happened holding Molly close as she licked gross lake water off my face. The couple asked me if I was ok or if they needed to call 911 and I told them I was fine, just a little shaken. When I stood back up I realized I didn’t have any shoes on. I also realized I wasn’t holding my iPhone or my digital camera either. All three items became the lakes lunch.

I didn’t even try looking for the wedding at that point. My back started getting sharp pains in it and I just knew i needed to get home and get showered. Molly wouldn’t let me put her down the whole way home and I didn’t blame her. The street was really hot on my bare feet so I tried to walk on my neighbors grass as much as possible.

I feel horrible for not making the wedding. I wanted to be there so bad on my friends special day. I’m pretty distraught about losing my digital camera. It’s going to take a while to get that replaced.

What a day …. I’ll laugh about it in a few months. The next day I had a sore throat and laryngitis and the next few days after that I was just really tired and sore, like you feel after you’ve been in a car accident. Today I’m back to normal. Molly has been really clingy to me ever since it happened. Poor girl, I hope that this doesn’t scar her. Jonah was happy to have us home. He had tears I had to wipe away because he couldn’t stand being away from his sister. Those two have really bonded. I’m glad too, it’s just what I had hoped for the both of them.

Me and my clutzy adventures ..

I’m finally in my new house (I’ve been here for a few months actually) and life in my dream home is going great. The neighborhood I’m in is exactly where I wanted to be, and I couldn’t begin to explain how in love with my house I am. It’s on a fairly large lot, built nearly 100 years ago. If only these walls could talk. Most of the house is original, like the doors and the beautiful hardwood floors throughout both floors except in the master bedroom. The back yard is so big and Jonah and Molly can run and play as long as they want. I find out something new about this house every day. There are so many nooks and hidden little doors that go to other places in the house. I even found the original skeleton key that fits all the inside doors!!!! It’s been lost since the first owners had the house. I haven’t gotten to fix up my art studio out back yet but that’s a project I have planned for the summer. What I really enjoy is the spa room with the built in hot tub. It’s really been good for the fibro and back pain. I also go swimming twice a week with Tracey which really helps too.

I’ve been busy lately with my best friend Carrie and her little sister Tracey (and yes, you too Michael). I don’t know what I would do without them. They are a constant in my life, and I in theirs. They are like family to me. We took this picture just yesterday.

I’m heading to Texas in a little more than 6 hours so I can see Tiffany and my two nieces. I haven’t seen those cute little faces for about 2 years and I look forward to lots of hugs and snuggles. I’ll be staying a week and I’m looking forward to the warm weather as it just snowed last night after being 70 degrees the day before. That’s Colorado weather for ya. I caught a great shot of the sun setting over the mountains the other day. I really did miss Colorado, more than I had realized.

I’m still working on my art just as passionately as before but I’ve been slacking in taking pictures of my progress. Hopefully when I get back I can scan them all proper. I’ve also been working a lot on my music lately, another passion of mine that came back to me after a decade long hiatus. My writing is going great too, and along with that I’ve acquired a new love for fountain pens both modern and antique. Again, I’ll have to talk more about that when I return from my trip.

Brendan is doing great, he finally got full-time status at his job and got his own department. I’m proud of his progress, and he’s always there when I need a pick me up.

I’m learning new patterns with my crocheting too which has been a fun experience. I have so many projects lined up that I’m busy all the time. Busy is good and I’ve been pacing myself so I don’t get too worn out.

I know this is a quick update and there’s so much more to mention but time isn’t on my side today and I still need to finish packing. Depending on activities in Texas I’ll try to make updates when I can.

Leavin’ on a jet plane ……

I wanted my marriage to last forever. Doesn’t everyone when they wisk off to their honeymoon? Time changes people, left over baggage changes people. So instead of staying in an unhappy marriage, I got out. I did that to give myself a chance at happiness yet I’m the most depressed I’ve ever been. Maybe until now, until I really thought this through, I did everything possible. I shouldn’t be beating myself up, but patting myself on the back because I wasn’t a perfect wife, but I was a damn good wife.

Everything has to do with attitude. Mine needs a huge overhaul. It would not only help my fibro, but my outlook on life, my future life. I don’t know what it will be like, but focusing on the darkness that may become doesn’t do me any good but will only lead to a self fulfilling prophecy in which my future WILL become that darkness. If I focus on the good things, my writing, my willingness to get better then my future looks a lot brighter than I ever thought it might be.

Only way I know this is I have good friends who have been there every step of the way, like Camille, like Tiffany, and especially my Mother who I know beyond any doubt, loves me unconditionally.

I don’t have to focus on the fact that I’m part of the 50% that failed, but I’m part of the 50% that might have made the right decision so that I can leave room for happiness and joy.

I have a doctors name on a piece of paper sitting here in front of me that has helped so many people I know personally. All I have to do is make the call. I haven’t done that yet because I was stuck focusing on never getting better. I’m going to call this doctor today, and start the journey of getting better because at this point I can’t get much worse. I don’t want to be bedridden next month and that’s where I’m headed. I have to stop this disease in it’s tracks and try to live while I have the ability.

Today, I want to try. I’ll have my days where my goals are fuzzy especially when that day is a bad fibro day, but if I can go back and read this post the haziness might clear a little even if the sun doesn’t shine.

I can do this ..

So I’m headed to best buy to pick up a Netgear wireless router that will fix all their problems. My Aunt Donna and Uncle Don have a full Apple network (that tickles me to death, I love it) so it’s nice to finally be a tech for apple products.

I’ll be heading to BestBuy tomorrow to pick up the Netgear wireless router along with some blank DVD’s since Mom and I are running low. I feels good to be needed finally. I’ve felt like a wart on a toads back for so long, I forgot I was actually valuable to people. Plus, I was paid in yummy homemade soup and this homemade cracker spread, vegetarian of course.

No, I will not come to your house if you live in or close to the Greeley area to fix your home networks, but family is family and I’ve been sitting in the basement of my Mother’s house not getting much more interaction than talking to my fur babies and playing World of Warcraft.

I might have more jobs on the horizon. My Uncle Don’s son needs some consulting on a web design for his production company and I’m supposed to talk to him when he comes home from Christmas. Apparently he’s dished out a lot of money for a web site and got screwed. I hear more and more stories about that. It’s a shame.

To add to the geekiness, my friend Brett and I might have a web design project dealing with his band. We’d work together in providing a working web site to promote the band and I can continue to add to my portfolio. That’s exciting and just what I’ve been waiting for.

It’s been a good day so far. I hope it is tomorrow because my job at my Aunt’s house isn’t done yet.

People come into our lives for a reason and who would have thought it would be my first love? The night before we left Vince called me to tell me good luck and to be safe on the road. We’ve been texting ever since and today he sent me a very supportive quote.

“A smile is a sign of joy. A kiss is a sign of love. A laugh is a sign of happiness. A friend like me, well that’s a sign of good taste.”

Like I told him Thursday night, he’s always made me laugh and that quality of his hasn’t changed a bit. He’s being a great friend to me right now which was completely unexpected but aren’t all great things when we’re in a time of need?

Laughter is medicine, I really truly believe that and I’m happy he’s back in my life.

We went to look at a house yesterday that my realtor thought for sure I’d love but the minute I was in that house, I felt repressed, closed in, and by the time I was leaving my panic attack started. Mom asked me if I like the house or felt peace about it, and I didn’t want to disappoint her with the truth, but I’m not a liar so I had to tell her what I really felt even though she liked it so much. She said I need to be honest in how I feel, and if I don’t feel peace in a decision then it isn’t time to make that decision. I love how she’s given me such good advice throughout my life, I only wish I would have listened to her more so I wouldn’t have made such bad decisions.

It was about the lack of mens commitment when their wife gets a serious illness. You can find it here.

When I got diagnosed with Fibro a lot of things changed in my marriage, and not for the good. It was around that time Brendan started to distance himself from me. I noticed he would spend more time in the basement, and less quality time with me. On my bad days he would take out his frustrations of my illness on me because he said he didn’t have anyone else to talk to. I noticed that I was walking on egg shells around him more, and his drinking gradually became more frequent.

It got to the point where we were not spending any time together, those egg shells I was walking on became glass, and the drinking had become a nightly occurance.

Toward the end of our marriage, I asked him if we could spend one night a month together. He said it was a lot to ask for and he didn’t know if he could commit to it because of work (he works part-time at Publix)

I guess a person just knows when it’s over and it was that moment I knew I had to get out of that toxic environment, and that my marriage was over.

This has taken more than a toll on me. There were things said tonight that touched the very core of my heart. Not in a good way. It questions my very soul to the post important people in my life. The most important person in my life. I’m not sure what to do, or how to fix it. I thought things were completely opposite than the way they were presented. This goes back decades, even longer. I question who I really am as a person who has too big of a heart and so much love to share and I thought everything was understood and ok, but they aren’t. My very soul is questioned. Love is questioned.

I’ve been doing the right thing ever since 2003 and being the responsible adult doing the right thing, making the right decisions, and loving my friends and family for everything, but .. do they feel it like they deserve? It makes me feel that I’m damaged, that I have been, that it’s permanent. These things I will never forget tho they have been forgiven.

When games over ride a friend in need, where does one go. I don’t know anymore. When there is noting left to say, it’s simple. There is nothing left to say.

I never wanted this divorce. I did everything I could so it wouldn’t come to that, but it has. It’s not only hurting me, it’s hurting my Mom too and I feel that’s somehow my fault. I hate it. I hate all this.

Solution of being a hermit is starting to sound pretty good. I can’t hurt anyone that way. After tonight, I’m at my own breaking point, if it hasn’t happened already. Words are daggers, and they went straight into my soul, and hearts can be repaired. But the soul is a different thing altogether. Souls can just die. If my soul would be a person, it should be in ICU, but there is no such thing. It screams, burden. That’s stamped on my forehead for all to see. It’s what my soul screams and I’m so ashamed. There is no way of coming back from that.

Anyway, I found myself a little gem that will make a huge impact on my life. It was a quote. Not only was it exactly what I needed to hear, it was something I needed to believe. Sure, this divorce thing sucks. I’m selling the home I feel in love with without a future home (yet) in the future. I’m actually really trying to act normal as much as possible thinking it will help with the sadness and loss when really I want to curl up in bed and cry my eyes out for the next year with a good supply of kleenex. Can you imagine the monster of a headache you’d have after that? Whoa.

This came from Martin Allsop’s twitter page .. “We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us” – Joseph Campbell

Like I told my Mother, I want to get through this whole divorce, moving, etc. thing without any regrets which means I need to be unemotional for a moment to make rational thoughts. Good luck, right?

I was talking to Tiffany last night that I haven’t even heard from my in-laws in over a month. My Mother-in-law and I used to talk/email daily with lots of “I love you’s” and she would always start her letters with her nick name for me .. “Jenny Dear” .. it really hurts and makes me question the whole concept of “family” again. How can you love one of your family members one day, then never speak to them again? It just doesn’t make sense to me .. it just makes me sad, hurt, and in a way abandoned.

Moving forward .. the realtor will be out tomorrow to take pictures of our house and we’ll officially have it on the market with a virtual tour even, hurray!

Like I said, I’ve done everything I could do for this man, and it’s not like I’m asking for repayment, I mean hell, he’s getting way more than he brought into the marriage, but maybe a little respect or some sort of sensitivity at the situation. When we were talking the night of his panic attack I told him how I gave him my heart and how he used that against me and his reply was “That was your first mistake, never give anyone your heart” .. I thought the safest place to put your heart would be in your husbands hands. He’s right however, pretty stupid of me.

I’m weepy today (which is an understatement). When I said my vows, they were intended to be forever. I never wanted to be divorced. We were on the same path in what we wanted of life, but instead of settling down now he wants “sex, drugs, and rock and roll” … in other words, drop me off at the curb and don’t look back.

This really hurts.