A Quote for now, an update shortly
“I would never write about someone who is not at the end of his rope.” ~Stanley Elkin
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Archive for the ‘Friends’
Attitude is everything
I have been very negative lately about my divorce. Like the 50% that make it, I started and ended keeping true to my vows, yet I’ve been beating myself up for a failed marriage in which I as a person did not fail.
I wanted my marriage to last forever. Doesn’t everyone when they wisk off to their honeymoon? Time changes people, left over baggage changes people. So instead of staying in an unhappy marriage, I got out. I did that to give myself a chance at happiness yet I’m the most depressed I’ve ever been. Maybe until now, until I really thought this through, I did everything possible. I shouldn’t be beating myself up, but patting myself on the back because I wasn’t a perfect wife, but I was a damn good wife.
Everything has to do with attitude. Mine needs a huge overhaul. It would not only help my fibro, but my outlook on life, my future life. I don’t know what it will be like, but focusing on the darkness that may become doesn’t do me any good but will only lead to a self fulfilling prophecy in which my future WILL become that darkness. If I focus on the good things, my writing, my willingness to get better then my future looks a lot brighter than I ever thought it might be.
Only way I know this is I have good friends who have been there every step of the way, like Camille, like Tiffany, and especially my Mother who I know beyond any doubt, loves me unconditionally.
I don’t have to focus on the fact that I’m part of the 50% that failed, but I’m part of the 50% that might have made the right decision so that I can leave room for happiness and joy.
I have a doctors name on a piece of paper sitting here in front of me that has helped so many people I know personally. All I have to do is make the call. I haven’t done that yet because I was stuck focusing on never getting better. I’m going to call this doctor today, and start the journey of getting better because at this point I can’t get much worse. I don’t want to be bedridden next month and that’s where I’m headed. I have to stop this disease in it’s tracks and try to live while I have the ability.
Today, I want to try. I’ll have my days where my goals are fuzzy especially when that day is a bad fibro day, but if I can go back and read this post the haziness might clear a little even if the sun doesn’t shine.
I can do this ..
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Family Rejection – Family Love
I’ve been asleep for the majority of yesterday and half of today. I’m a bit depressed I think (think? know?) Seems that when it rains it pours and in my forecast there is deadly flooding ahead. All of it has to do with rejection from family.
Things with my Uncle Jim (now known as Jim) didn’t go. Nothing he said was the truth. The most I got from him was a pat on the back, and a hello. He didn’t talk to me like he promised, he didn’t call me right before the party like he promised. Why is it so hard for people to keep their word when it really matters? When it’s really going to make an impact on another persons life? Apparently Jim felt that a pat on the back and him saying hello would erase the last decade he told me to stay away from the family. I don’t understand the insensitivity when it comes to a little effort on ones part to do the right thing.
Then we have my Aunt Charlene (now known as Charlene) who asked me if I wanted anything from Grandma Berry’s around the time she died. The only thing I asked for that was meaningful to me was the china that my Father brought to my Grandmother from Korea. Ever since I was a child my Father used to show me those pieces of China and Charlene is calling me a liar when I tell her which pieces they are. Charlene hasn’t hardly been here until my Father died. I could probably count the times she’s been to see my Grandmother on two hands from the time I was a baby to the time my Father died. The rest of the time my family has taken care of for 29 years. Charlene claims in an email that she’s been behind me on everything, and I can’t think of a single thing she’s ever been behind me for. She hardly knows me. I asked Mom about it and Mom doesn’t have a clue what she’s taking about. The other thing is, I’m the ONLY grandchild left out of the will. In fact, I’m the ONLY one left out of the will period. I believe even her great-grandchildren were on it. That’s been such a huge amount of loss and rejection right there. I didn’t want any money. I wanted validation I was loved, and that’s not something I ever got.
The third thing is my husband. We didn’t exactly part in good terms. In fact, he was supposed to be here with me now. So many people were so excited to see him, including family and friends and again I have to explain why he’s not here, again. It meant so much to my Grandmother that he would be here for her 90th birthday. To see her hurt makes me see red, because it was an extension of me that did that damage to the one remaining Grandmother that I have no doubt loves me. My husband wants us to keep our emails light and simple, but nothing right now in my life is light and simple, except for one small thing….
Molly can now go up and down a huge flight of stairs all by herself.
Now I struggle on staying here or going home. What I need right now is family. I need my Mom, my Grandmother, my cousin Tina. What I also need is friends, the friends I left behind. The friends that have already called me, worried about me, wanting to see me. That’s not something I have in Georgia. I need to be surrounded by love, and I need a place to go when things aren’t going so great.
I just don’t know what to do right now. I know my heart hurts and each piece hurts for a different reason and it’s something I have to overcome, somehow.
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Update on my Nieces afghan’s
Just a quick update on my Nieces afghans that I’m making for them. During the time I was taking these pictures super beetle (easily 2 inches long) came flying in the house as I let Jonah in. I was so scared I thought I’d pee, but I managed to get him under a plastic cup for Brendan to deal with when he got home from the grocery store. That thing was hissing up a storm. Just, gross.
Anyway, Tiffany’s father said that these afghans could be family heirlooms. That made me feel good. Like, really good. I just do it because I love my two little girls 
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Warm Fuzzies
So we have an IRC channel here in the office that connects our support staff with the IT staff we have at different sites around the world. I got some warm fuzzies from it today
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Sleep/awake/sleeep/awake
That’s the mode I’m in. I’ve been asleep more than I have been awake in the past 24 hours and I’m ready for sleep again, already. My energy is extremely low because I haven’t been eating properly. I’m craving red velvet cake for some reason, but I managed to keep down some yogurt.
It’s been a very emotional day, especially between my Mother and I. She’s trying to help and as much as I know this it’s been hard.
I even had a talk with my Aunt Donna today on the phone and she said something to me that she’s never done in my life. She said I need to get over my anger. She told me to write down everything that was making me angry, put it in box and keep it there and “GET OVER IT!!!!!!!!!”. My Aunt Donna suffers from Fibromyalgia too which make the whole conversation surprising. So I did that. I wrote down everything that I was angry at, and I put it in a box and I put that box up on the shelf. It actually helped. Then came the tears, the “I’m sorry” and I accepted how rotten I’ve been over the last few days. All the grieving and mourning I haven’t done is on hold and put aside. I finally found my phones that were safely tucked away in my purse and I heard from my Uncle Joe and Aunt Martha. There is something about their words, and them calling that tears me to pieces because I love them so much and for so many years I thought they stopped caring.
Fact is, I’m not getting better. I’m still hacking up green phlegm but not as much as before. Its like it’s getting better and breaking up but it’s going deeper into my lungs. I’m going to bed here shortly so we’ll see how I am tomorrow. I still need to order my prescriptions and pick those up tomorrow but I’ve been asleep all day and I’m tired of Mark invading my dreams.
I’m extremely scared for my job. What if they don’t take me back? What if … what if …
I found something I wanted to share again because my guild master had asked for it. It will be under the read more part so this entry doesn’t take up a million pages.
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So, the worst career-wise event has happened (I feel so anyway)
No. I didn’t get fired. I have been in the hospital for the last 4 days however with bronchitis, pneumonia and sever asthma problems due to each. I am on strict home oxygen for a straight month. I am not allowed to return to work until the 13th :: glares at doctors note :: and only THEN will it be decided if I get to return for the remainder of the month while on oxygen.
You know why all this is happening? Because some fuckhead felt like coming to work sick (I know of one of them specifically who had bronchitis and girl, you and me are going to have words because I heard at least 5 people tell you to go home because they didn’t want to get sick) because she didn’t want to lose her job. Not once did she think, oh wait, we have people in the office who are on remission from cancer, or people with auto-immune diseases like Fibromyalgia who are magnets to this shit. That’s not even the bad part. This shit put me in the hospital and she’s sure not paying my hospital bill. I’m fairly certain they will have to put someone in my place temporarily until I get back (as my boss promised if I had to ever take medical leave, which, I guess is a test now because my hands are tired. Completely) So because this bitch didn’t want to lose her job or whatever, I got what she had and I when I was in the ambulance on the way to the hospital overhearing the EMT say “Ah shit, she’s dropped below 70, upgrade this to critical, stay with me now Jenny, come on Jenny, stay with me Jenny .. can you see me … grab my hand Jenny I was remembering her selfish little words. Pffttt, I don’t want to lose job. I was hoping not to die at that point.
So with my permanent lung damage (like I need more) I’m going to have to call up my boss tomorrow and explain to him that, yes I could do the job. I’d be in right this very fucking second doing it if they would make sure that sick people did NOT FUCKING COME TO WORK. Now I have hospitals bills, I’m strapped to oxygen to keep me alive seeing this promotion slip out of my fingers so fucking fast I didn’t even get to taste victory yet. I’m sooooooooo mad. I’m soooooooooooo pisssed. I had zero choice in this. ZERO.
After the 13th, if they let me work from home I could do that but it’s hard to manage a team that you don’t even see every day. One other person’s wrong choice cost me this. I’m not about revenge, I’m not about payback, all that is bullshit. I am about bringing into prospective what people might have missed tho.
Anyway, my doctors card and me. The good news is I lost 3 pounds past my 50 lbs for the first of the year. So, thats 53 pounds in 59 days. There it is, this is almost a death sentence to me. 
Going to work actually MAKES me feel better so it’s going to be a long 10 days of getting cabin feather. I do have 5 portable tanks with me but just one of those portal tanks only lasts 4 hours. As for the poor me, I’m getting daily nose bleeds from a dry noise.
The only good thing about the whole experience was I got to walk talk and mingle with this harp player who comes and just plays healing music to everyone who wanted to listen. My roommates thought Jerry Springer was more interesting. 
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Feeling much better
I felt better today than I have for a week and a half. I’m in the middle of changing and switching some of my medication around which has resulted in horrible side effects making me feel completely horrible. Hopefully I’m on the up-swing at this point. The next hurdle is meeting my new doctors on the 23rd of this month in which my Mother is flying over for. Now that I know I have Fibromyalgia along with Rheumatoid Arthritis I will be seeing a husband and wife team of Rheumatologists that have experience in both diseases.
I’m really disappointed in my doctor at the Fibro & Fatigue Center. I found out that he read some of my labs wrong (have I mentioned this yet? I don’t remember) and so I’m off most of the medication he had me on. Well, I’m off at least 7/8ths of the medication I was before and I’m already noticing a change and I’m already noticing that I am feeling better. Plus, the nurses at the Fibro & Fatigue center here in Atlanta have been dropping the ball left and right. My doctor wanted to see every 3-4 weeks and he’s booked solid for the next 3 weeks which means I won’t see him for at least 2.5 months which means, I’m going to be running out of medication .. and FAST. Hopefully my new doctors will work out and I can make an easy transition. Oh, and get this. Dr. C at the Fibro & Fatigue Center treats all his patients with the same plan of action so no wonder I wasn’t getting better. I’m just really disappointed in the center when at first it gave me so much hope. Maybe I was grabbing at the last rope I thought was out there, I don’t know. I just have to find what works and I know it’s going to be a frustrating battle and my patience will tested big time, well, sort of like now.
So with everything going on, having some severe medication changes, getting sick, being way over-emotional, fighting with the hubby its affected my performance at work and I only hope that they will find some sort of empathy and be patient with me too. The only thing that hasn’t gone away is the pain, so I’m still dealing with that. It’s hard for people to understand because I look well but everything under my skin, including my digestion issues and IBS is a complete mess. I just need all this to come together, and the sooner the better. Not only for me, work, but for family friends and everyone else that is involved. I’m trying my hardest to hang in there, I really am.
Went to see “Hotel for Dogs” tonight. It was one of those cheesy Disney stories, but it was pretty good. Nice and light and funny. I knew the ending as soon as it began but .. I thought it was pretty good. Good, no, maybe just cute. It was cute.
I gotta go to bed now, I’m tired.
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My Colorado Trip
I hadn’t installed MacPorts since I reinstalled OS X and it feels good that its finally back So much easier to install programs. Plus, I’m a geek. What “normal” user would actually go through the mess and even the understanding of MacPorts. Heh.
So I’m going to try and condense down the Colorado trip the best I can. I’ve noticed that when I”m really emotional about something the best time to deal and/or write about it in a political way is after the fact once I got all my bearing straight and the emotions don’t out talk my logic.
The first night I got in Uncle Don and Aunt Donna meet Mom and I at at the Armadillo in Lasalle. I couldn’t believe how much some parts of the towns had changed, and how other parts of the towns hadn’t changed at all. Like for instance, Platteville. Still the same. The old house I grew up in still looks the same. Grandma Berry’s house still looked the same inside and out. See, Grandma Berry can’t see much more than light or dark but when I got up close to her she grabbed the bangs of my hair and started whispering “jenny jenny jenny jenny jenny” and when I finally spoke and said “Yes, Grandma, it’s Jenny” she started crying. She can’t forget me. I might not have been home for 4-5 years but you can’t forget living right next door to your grand daughter watching her grow up all her life. Seemed like my Mother and I showing up was center of attention and we all know how much I hate that.
I got to see some women, whom I used to give piano lessons to and babysit sit. Now they are grown and have more children than I have pets.
Of course going out to the farm made me miss Uncle Joe and Aunt Martha so much I made Mom promise she would set up a meeting with them too before I left to go home. took pictures of Morning Fresh Farms and then jumped down to Mespaigh cemetery to see the ranch and to see my dad. He was doing ok. I talked to him a bit. 
I think Mom did too. Sort of weird talking to stone, but whatever. Seems like that was a completely different life back then when he was alive. I think we were all different people back then. I’m sure I would have had a whole different life. Would I change it? I don’t know where’d.
After all the crying and seeing all the family I met all my friends up at the Armadillo in Fort Collins. It was strange. It was so surreal I almost felt drunk without drinking.
It sure was a great night. I never realized now much I missed my friends until that very moment. I had never felt so home sick, for everything back. For my old job back, for my old house back. Not my old life tho. No way. No how. I told them next time we come I’ll being the hubby so they can all meet them. I only want to talk about the good parts of the trip so I am going to not talk about doctors and appointments and news and all that other stuff I went to to. I sure didn’t have problems falling asleep at all.
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Trip to Colorado
I keep meaning to write about my trip to Colorado but every time I start I get overwhelmed with the amount of events that happened in such a short time. It was like an emotional mountain I climbed each and every day seeing my most precious friends, and seeing family I haven’t even spoken with for over 15 years.
Anyway, the Colorado trip will have to be broken down into several entries at best to fit it all in..
Oh that note, I’m tired and sleepy and ready for bed.
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Great things are happening
I’m meeting with all my friends in Colorado. I’m getting calls and people are contacting me saying they want to get together. I’ve been feeling so lonely lately s this makes me so uber happy and loved. I have about 11 people meeting me at the Armadillo in Fort Collins, Colorado at 6pm so if anyone else wants to join the party, that’s where we’ll be.
I just got off the phone with SarahJean and oh it was so good to hear her voice. Thank goodness to the internet. I’ve missed everyone so much but I didn’t realize just how MUCH I’ve missed everyone until I’ve had a chance to talk to all these people just like we picked up where we left off in a way. This is the pick me up I’ve been needing and wanting. There’s a reason for everything, definitely.
In other news, there was a gas leak at work yesterday so we were all sent home to work from home. I got all cuddled in bed taking calls and working from my laptop. I got more done yesterday than I have all week. Today they had the heat up past 80 due to the doors being open all night to air out the building and it got stuck at 80 until 3/4 of the day was over and we’re all sitting there in our own sweat. Finally they fixed the temp and the rest of the day was comfortable.
With all these people I’m talking to, they are all asking about my husband and if he is coming. I wish more than anything he could, but he will eventually. It was such short notice and he couldn’t get the time off. I am telling them how wonderful he is and how lucky I am to have him. He’s my first lucky break.
Ohhhhh excitement feels good.
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This sort of tired needs a cure
I’ve been so sleepy today. Not the “I’m going to sleep good night sleepy” but the “if you leave me alone for 5 minutes i will be sawing logs in no less than 5 minutes. I hope the xyrem.com stuff works.
I’m already on Provigal and it doesn’t seem to be doing much for me at all lately. Just tonight I kept falling asleep writing out this blog entry and it’s taken me all day long. I hate it. My doc wants to put m on xyrem. We’ll see. Dr. C made a surprise call to me on Friday himself. Usually if he needs to tell patients something he asks the nurses to do the phone call.
He called me 15 minutes after he received my labs. Sigh.
Mostly my triglycerides are over 500 which is stroke level. Oh great, ya know? JUST what I was needing to hear, especially since that way was one of my good days with minimal pain. When I would ask questions he said he’d talk to me about the rest of my labs on my appointment which is on the 29th. I finally made him give in enough to tell me that my labs were 3-5 times worse than when I had them 3 months ago which means non of my meds are working. Hurray! I just have something in the back of my head that it wasn’t the only bad news he wanted to give me and that’s why he keep reassuring me that I would be there on the 29th. I’ve never missed a doctor appointment, or an IV treatment appointment, or any appointment when it comes to the Fibro & Fatigue Center
Freaked me out. I’m supposed to be on bed rest and in his words he said “don’t move unless you have no choice. Um, ya, I have ADD. I don’t know how to stop from moving especially since I’m not on my ADD pills anymore. What if he has something really bad to tell me. Then I over heard him telling my nurse (Brenda) to call in tranquilizers so help me stay calm, so it’s not like the nurses weren’t there and yup, MORE pain meds that aren’t mixed with tylenol or Ibuprofen
Then he told me any dizziness I had, whether it was sitting up or If I started to feel numb at all to call 911 and to have my husband call him.
I just can’t get it out of my head that there is some thing really wrong and he’s waiting to meet me in person when he tells me. He’s NEVER called me about my labs before, what makes this time so different and why is he calling personally, when I have an appointment in a week and a half until my next appointment. I don’t know. Now THAT has got me worried.
So, doctors orders. Don’t move. I can get a lot of WoW in .. that is if I don’t keep falling asleep everywhere I go.
Sigh. I wish this were all over Most of my friends at work don’t know about this blog, but if they will know my secret usually only reserved for those closet to me.
My eyes are closing. I think I’ll sleep right where I”m sitting.
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Friends and a Sleep Study
Friends are great. Just got off the phone with my friend Chriss, catching up on stuff and stuff. Also had a nice long talk to one of my co-workers today who has cancer. Her treatment day is on Thursdays, and mine are on Wednesdays. Anyway, it’s nice to talk to someone with a chronic illness, not that I’m glad she has it, but glad we can relate to each other. She’s so sweet.
Brendan and I went out on a date last night to the used bookstore in Marietta called The Book Nook. It’s our FAVORITE used bookstore out of the 4 that we have been to so far. We’re trying to fill in the holes in our collection, working on Dean Koontz, John Saul, and Stephen King. The owner is always glad when we come because we’re always the biggest sale of the way with an extra 10% off
Tomorrow I’m having a sleep study done. I have to be at Wellstar Windy Hill Hospital at 8:30pm tomorrow night. The rooms are like motel rooms. I can wear my own PJ’s and bring my favorite blanket, aka woobie, since it’s more of of something to hold than to use as a blanket. They have wireless internet so I can surf the web and stuff, or watch TV. Bedtime is between 11:00pm – 11:30pm. They will hook me up to a bunch of wires before I go to sleep so they can monitor everything. They are even feeding me breakfast in the morning. Brendan is going to drive down with me to get me checked in and such. I love my husband I’m a little scared because I always feel weird sleeping away from home, but if they find anything wrong we’ll have a plan to fix it.
The thing I’m going to miss the most is having the 2 cats and my dog sleeping next to me. I tend to fall right to sleep when they are, but I can’t ever stay asleep. Sigh. We’ll see.
I have a new favorite channel. It’s the “Bio” channel which stands for “The Biology Channel” … I love learning about people and their lives. I just realized I’m going to miss House MD tomorrow. Oh well, it’s going to be on the DVR when I get home the following night.
I’m so pooped tonight. I feel today at work because my legs have been giving out. Talk about embarrassing. Leave it to me to trip over nothing.
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Friendship conquers all
Stealing from Fyrfli because it couldn’t have been expressed more perfectly.
catharsis (k???ärsis)
noun
1 the process of releasing, and thereby providing relief from, strong or repressed emotions.
2 rare Medicine purgation.
ORIGIN early 19th cent. (sense 2) : from Greek katharsis, from kathairein ‘cleanse,’ from katharos ‘pure.’ The notion of “release” through drama ( sense 1) derives from Aristotle’s Poetics.
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