.:: Yolospat ::.

I have been very negative lately about my divorce. Like the 50% that make it, I started and ended keeping true to my vows, yet I’ve been beating myself up for a failed marriage in which I as a person did not fail.

I wanted my marriage to last forever. Doesn’t everyone when they wisk off to their honeymoon? Time changes people, left over baggage changes people. So instead of staying in an unhappy marriage, I got out. I did that to give myself a chance at happiness yet I’m the most depressed I’ve ever been. Maybe until now, until I really thought this through, I did everything possible. I shouldn’t be beating myself up, but patting myself on the back because I wasn’t a perfect wife, but I was a damn good wife.

Everything has to do with attitude. Mine needs a huge overhaul. It would not only help my fibro, but my outlook on life, my future life. I don’t know what it will be like, but focusing on the darkness that may become doesn’t do me any good but will only lead to a self fulfilling prophecy in which my future WILL become that darkness. If I focus on the good things, my writing, my willingness to get better then my future looks a lot brighter than I ever thought it might be.

Only way I know this is I have good friends who have been there every step of the way, like Camille, like Tiffany, and especially my Mother who I know beyond any doubt, loves me unconditionally.

I don’t have to focus on the fact that I’m part of the 50% that failed, but I’m part of the 50% that might have made the right decision so that I can leave room for happiness and joy.

I have a doctors name on a piece of paper sitting here in front of me that has helped so many people I know personally. All I have to do is make the call. I haven’t done that yet because I was stuck focusing on never getting better. I’m going to call this doctor today, and start the journey of getting better because at this point I can’t get much worse. I don’t want to be bedridden next month and that’s where I’m headed. I have to stop this disease in it’s tracks and try to live while I have the ability.

Today, I want to try. I’ll have my days where my goals are fuzzy especially when that day is a bad fibro day, but if I can go back and read this post the haziness might clear a little even if the sun doesn’t shine.

I can do this ..

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Mom and I made it home safe and sound the day after we left. We left Georgia at 10:04am Friday the 13th and made it home on Saturday at 2:45pm. We made some insane miles in a short amount of time. My Mom drive and since she has a lead food we averaged 80-85 the whole way. I also had Jonah and Molly on my lap almost the entire way so by the time we both got home we were covered in animal hair and I felt like I’d been hit by a mac truck.

People come into our lives for a reason and who would have thought it would be my first love? The night before we left Vince called me to tell me good luck and to be safe on the road. We’ve been texting ever since and today he sent me a very supportive quote.

“A smile is a sign of joy. A kiss is a sign of love. A laugh is a sign of happiness. A friend like me, well that’s a sign of good taste.”

Like I told him Thursday night, he’s always made me laugh and that quality of his hasn’t changed a bit. He’s being a great friend to me right now which was completely unexpected but aren’t all great things when we’re in a time of need?

Laughter is medicine, I really truly believe that and I’m happy he’s back in my life.

We went to look at a house yesterday that my realtor thought for sure I’d love but the minute I was in that house, I felt repressed, closed in, and by the time I was leaving my panic attack started. Mom asked me if I like the house or felt peace about it, and I didn’t want to disappoint her with the truth, but I’m not a liar so I had to tell her what I really felt even though she liked it so much. She said I need to be honest in how I feel, and if I don’t feel peace in a decision then it isn’t time to make that decision. I love how she’s given me such good advice throughout my life, I only wish I would have listened to her more so I wouldn’t have made such bad decisions.

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On our way home from a doctors appoint which was extremy upsetting. The doctor actually said ge had no idea. What a waste of time. I’m stressed so much. I’ll have health insurance for 2 more weeks and that’s it for me, with no job. I feel like i’m being pushed off a bridge with cinder blocks tied to my ankles. I would like to thank my formor boss for this, thanks George. I mean, who gives someone one month to find a job with the economy how it is, right in the middle of the recession. Thanks, appreciate you kindness. And, yes I’m bitter, it was a shitty thing to. Especially since he knew about all my medical problems.

The marta was right next to the doctors office so we dropped Mom off there to avoid rush hour traffic. We failed at that, we’re stuck right in the middle of it. And I already miss my mom. What a sad few days it’s been for me.

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Found this from a blog I often visit and saw this. I’m also sending this to my Mother since she’s had to deal with the brunt of my ADD throughout my life, both through the good and the hard times.

There is a common misconception in the world that having ADD is a bad thing. While the ADD-wired brain certainly presents some challenges, it also offers some incredible benefits.

I thought this would be a great time to offer a reminder about how being different can be an advantage! The following is a list of characteristics that I consistently see in my clients, friends, and colleagues with ADD.

1. Compassion. People with ADD have a tremendous power to connect with other people. But it goes a step further than that. We also have an advanced ability to empathize with others, and to see many different perspectives.

TV personality Ty Pennington, host of TV’s Extreme Home Makeover, has ADD.

2. Creativity. I’ve never met an ADDer who wasn’t creative! Writers, painters, musicians, film makers, designers, sculptors, comedians – the list goes on! Artistic talents are abundant.

Musician Justin Timberlake has ADD.

3. Drive. When an ADDer is bored with a task, completing it can seem like torture. But give an ADDer an interesting project to work on and watch out! When we want to succeed, and we have the necessary tools to do so, there is no stopping us!

Olympic Gold Medalist and record-breaker Michael Phelps has ADD.

4. Problem Solving Ability. ADDers thrive on solving problems and puzzles. Give us an interesting problem to solve and we won’t be able to drop it until we’ve found the solution!

Important historical inventors such as Thomas Edison is believed to have had ADD.

5. Hyper-Focus. The ability to hyper-focus is something that we ADDers can use to our advantage. When kept under control and directed towards productive tasks, like accomplishing goals and living dreams, it can be an incredible asset that allows us to get the job done, and done well!

David Neeleman, Founder and former CEO of Jet Blue Airways, has ADD.

6. Sense of Humor/Comedic Flair. Most ADDers love to laugh, and many also have a knack for making others laugh!

Famous comedian Howie Mandel has ADD.

7. Resiliency. There’s no denying that even though there are many great qualities that come along with ADD, there are also challenges. But ADDers have an incredible ability to bounce back from those challenges.

Chef and Food Network star Tyler Florence has ADD.

8. Intuition. ADDers have a sharp sense of intuition. This may be due to highly tuned levels of perception, or great insight into the human mind, or something else that we have yet to understand. Whatever the reason, it’s a very useful gift!

9. Idea Generating. ADDers are wonderful idea generators. We don’t usually like to be bothered with details, but we can come up with ideas at lightning speed! We’re a true asset in brainstorming meetings!

Entrepreneur Richard Branson of the Virgin empire has ADD.

10. That “Special Something”. Many ADDers feel that they have a unique way of looking at the world, a perspective that others just don’t understand. That is, until the ADDer meets other people with ADD! You might say that we’re on our own wavelength!

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Well, things might actually be looking up. Turns out I have a nice healthy heart with no problems. Couldn’t ask for a better report. I tried to get a picture of the ulta-sound but the lady didn’t have a printer. Bummber. I’m trying to get as many pictures of my insides as possible. So far I have my bronchial scope and the MRI of my lower back (it sort of looks like a staircase) .. that’s what I get for not taking care of it sooner.

I’m 80 pounds lighter since the first of the year. No, I’m not dieting, I didn’t have any radical surgeries (at least ones I wasn’t completely conscious for), I do for the most part eat really healthy but I’ll have the occasional junk food every once in a while. I’m losing it from being sick and losing my appetite. It’s amazing how much faster you move minus 80 pounds tugging along with you. I hope it keeps up actually. Everyone wants to lose weight without doing anything, but … I know they don’t want to suffer through the sickness the whole time.

I am, get this …. I am getting better. I’m taking half the pain meds I used to take. I haven’t taken Oxycodone for 2 weeks and I eliminated my morphine capsule at night. I’m scared because for long periods of time on narcotic pain meds, the pain subconsciously feels worse than what it is. That scares me. Not sure I can handle much more, but it has gone down a bit. i don’t walk through days with an 8 on the pain scale. Right now it’s about a 5.5. That’s progress! I’m also feeling good that every single thing I get out of my closet falls off me. It’s been a long time since that happened. I have to wear a belt with every pair of jeans I have. I can move better, my shortness of breath has nearly gone away.

Nothing with my disease(s)/syndromes are easy fixes. All of them are permanent, but the difference is, I got me some good doctors finally who actually care how I feel. My Pulmonologist took it upon himself to get me into a drug trial for severe asthmatics to try this preventive drug which is most importantly, steroid free. It’s not like I have an appointment wit him … this was an after thought on his point to make sure I’m getting the best treatment available. Finally, I found the right people.

In other news, my Mother is flying down on Saturday to spend the week with us. Since I have Monday off I want to drive to Savannah Georgia. Since I’m getting better I think I’ll be able to handle the car ride fairly well, just as long as Mom and I don’t start one of our fights (like last time). They never last long, I just hate them to begin with. I’ve missed her so much, and I want her to see Spring in Kennesaw. Can’t wait!

As for work, I had a bad few days obviously if you read my twitter. Confidence is back and I’m right there in the middle of he game again getting done what needs to be done. Today I’ve had to give my team a tiny push as the deadline I set for them is coming up and I’m still seeing a lot of tickets in their queue still which is only 50% of the way I’m expecting them to go. We had a 45 second quick meeting reminding them of the impending clock that keeps ticking by not leaving them much time to reach their goal. I have faith, however.

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Bad news at the doctor’s office isn’t pleasing. I can’t return to work for another week, and the week after I’m work from home only, unless I want to be hauling around oxygen tanks. They want me on oxygen 24/7 now (instead of just nights or when I need it) and I see one of the big doctors in 2 weeks. Ugh. I don’t even feel like talking about it. I thought this was done and over with. I’m just, upset, angry and everything in between.

Tonight I have a splitting headache. I’ve taken everything under the sun but it doesn’t want to seem to leave. It’s probably because I’ve bottled up everything and I haven’t been writing and vomiting my thoughts each and everyday especially with Mom being here. She’s leaving tomorrow and I think things will start going back to normal. She’s been a big help and altho we’ve had our ups and downs I’m glad she was here.

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That’s the mode I’m in. I’ve been asleep more than I have been awake in the past 24 hours and I’m ready for sleep again, already. My energy is extremely low because I haven’t been eating properly. I’m craving red velvet cake for some reason, but I managed to keep down some yogurt.

It’s been a very emotional day, especially between my Mother and I. She’s trying to help and as much as I know this it’s been hard.

I even had a talk with my Aunt Donna today on the phone and she said something to me that she’s never done in my life. She said I need to get over my anger. She told me to write down everything that was making me angry, put it in box and keep it there and “GET OVER IT!!!!!!!!!”. My Aunt Donna suffers from Fibromyalgia too which make the whole conversation surprising. So I did that. I wrote down everything that I was angry at, and I put it in a box and I put that box up on the shelf. It actually helped. Then came the tears, the “I’m sorry” and I accepted how rotten I’ve been over the last few days. All the grieving and mourning I haven’t done is on hold and put aside. I finally found my phones that were safely tucked away in my purse and I heard from my Uncle Joe and Aunt Martha. There is something about their words, and them calling that tears me to pieces because I love them so much and for so many years I thought they stopped caring.

Fact is, I’m not getting better. I’m still hacking up green phlegm but not as much as before. Its like it’s getting better and breaking up but it’s going deeper into my lungs. I’m going to bed here shortly so we’ll see how I am tomorrow. I still need to order my prescriptions and pick those up tomorrow but I’ve been asleep all day and I’m tired of Mark invading my dreams.

I’m extremely scared for my job. What if they don’t take me back? What if … what if …

I found something I wanted to share again because my guild master had asked for it. It will be under the read more part so this entry doesn’t take up a million pages.

(more…)

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I felt better today than I have for a week and a half. I’m in the middle of changing and switching some of my medication around which has resulted in horrible side effects making me feel completely horrible. Hopefully I’m on the up-swing at this point. The next hurdle is meeting my new doctors on the 23rd of this month in which my Mother is flying over for. Now that I know I have Fibromyalgia along with Rheumatoid Arthritis I will be seeing a husband and wife team of Rheumatologists that have experience in both diseases.

I’m really disappointed in my doctor at the Fibro & Fatigue Center. I found out that he read some of my labs wrong (have I mentioned this yet? I don’t remember) and so I’m off most of the medication he had me on. Well, I’m off at least 7/8ths of the medication I was before and I’m already noticing a change and I’m already noticing that I am feeling better. Plus, the nurses at the Fibro & Fatigue center here in Atlanta have been dropping the ball left and right. My doctor wanted to see every 3-4 weeks and he’s booked solid for the next 3 weeks which means I won’t see him for at least 2.5 months which means, I’m going to be running out of medication .. and FAST. Hopefully my new doctors will work out and I can make an easy transition. Oh, and get this. Dr. C at the Fibro & Fatigue Center treats all his patients with the same plan of action so no wonder I wasn’t getting better. I’m just really disappointed in the center when at first it gave me so much hope. Maybe I was grabbing at the last rope I thought was out there, I don’t know. I just have to find what works and I know it’s going to be a frustrating battle and my patience will tested big time, well, sort of like now.

So with everything going on, having some severe medication changes, getting sick, being way over-emotional, fighting with the hubby its affected my performance at work and I only hope that they will find some sort of empathy and be patient with me too. The only thing that hasn’t gone away is the pain, so I’m still dealing with that. It’s hard for people to understand because I look well but everything under my skin, including my digestion issues and IBS is a complete mess. I just need all this to come together, and the sooner the better. Not only for me, work, but for family friends and everyone else that is involved. I’m trying my hardest to hang in there, I really am.

Went to see “Hotel for Dogs” tonight. It was one of those cheesy Disney stories, but it was pretty good. Nice and light and funny. I knew the ending as soon as it began but .. I thought it was pretty good. Good, no, maybe just cute. It was cute.

I gotta go to bed now, I’m tired.

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That’s what I’ve been doing the last 48 hours. I’ve hardly been awake. I’ve been so stiff and sore and the fibro pain has been really bad. Trying to make the best of it.

My Mother is in a mood today. Tried a few times to make her snap out of it, but I failed miserably.

My hubby got a new promotion at work, along with a new raise!!! I’m so completely excited and proud of him. Lots have changed in the last 6 months (between him and I) and all those changes have been great and wonderful.

I think on our 5 year anniversary, I want to have the wedding we never had. Not to get married again, but to renew our vows. I want to have a wedding dress, and flowers. Our wedding 2 years ago cost $30 in the Georgia Hollywood court house.

I’m off to have a reading date with the hubby …

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Mom went home today. She’s flying on a plane right now. She texted me before she left letting me know the plane was leaving late. She’s so excited about her new (my old) iPhone. She’s texting me left and right, she’s taking pictures of things and sending them to me, she’s just so excited she can get her email all the time. She’s quite addicted to her email. I’m proud of her for learning all this fan-dangled technology (her words, isn’t she cute?)

On the way back from the airport Brendan and I went by Harry’s Whole Foods and got some yummy guacamole and blue corn chips that are really good. Oh ya, and cereal. OMG, this cereal is so good. I don’t remember the name but I’ll take a look at it later.

Now that I’m officially withdrawn from university I have more time for WoW. My priest is up 65 (Cumbersome) that I leveled mainly for the guild, since I already have a 70 priest on horde side. Found out today one of our officers who has a shadow priest and told me they didn’t want to do anything other than shadow (thus the reason for me making a holy priest) just respec’d holy in my absence (since my Mother was here). Ahhhh. Such a nice backstab. Feels fucking great. Lots of guilds need priests, so at least I have that in my favor. Moving on.

I’m getting daily use out of my kindle. I didn’t think I’d be using it as much as I have been. It’s become as close to me as my MacBook Pro. Speaking of mac, I’ve been working on some cocoa programming using xcode. I somehow feel completely free now that I’m not in school. It feels great, my doctor was right. That was too much stress for right now.

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