.:: Yolospat ::.

Sorry for all that have called in the last 3-4 days. I’ve been bed bound with pain.

Saw the doctor again today and I’ve been put on a Fentanyl Transdermal System (morphine patch) along with more pain meds and countless other meds. I’m so tired of meds. I’m also being tested for Lime Disease, Ebson-Bar, Celeac, and I forget what else. I haven’t been to work all week and called my boss today to let him know what’s up. He said he’s been worried and he’s going to try and get most of my hours on call because I’m the only one he trusts (beside himself) for priority 1 & 2 issues. I told him I have to come in at least 3 times a week because I need to get out of the house for my own sanity, he said he understood. I’m finally feeling better tonight.

Things the last few days have been complete hell. I’ve never felt so much pain before.

:: cries ::

Have you ever had a great idea that you are excited about, or you come to some sort of decision or idea only to forget it later, lost forever in the grey matter sitting on top of your shoulders? One of my major goals in life lately is to reduce as much stress as I possibly can right now. Not only am I don’t it for health reasons but I’m trying to get everything (GTD, tasks, projects, ideas, lists, insert other things I’m forgetting) in some sort of organized fashion.

So, I’m taking one of XV’s idea’s and applying it to my everyday life. I have myself a notebook (my favorite one) where I can purge my brain. So far it’s working out incredibly well. I had a big homework assignment due tonight and I didn’t have the bottleneck anxieties infect my ability to concentrate and write code.

I just need to keep it up and not quick since it’s so easy to blame procrastination on lack of time. Lack of time is a huge reality for me but maybe if I can get a handle on my time management I can reduce the stress of it.

I started writing again. Most won’t understand that statement. Very few will find the significance and see it as comparable to someone who scaled a mile high brick wall.

I’m having a really rough week. I couldn’t even go to work yesterday because everything hurt so bad I didn’t even want to get out of bed. Then today, due to the heavy rains I slipped and fell at work. Slipping and falling isn’t such a big deal for most people, but when you have Fibromyalgia it’s a snowball rolling downhill getting bigger and bigger. My knee is all bruised up and hurt for a little while. A few hours lately my whole leg started throbbing and burning with pain. Add that to the upperback/neck flare that I’ve had for the last week and a half. It doesn’t matter how many pain pills I take, the pain .. just .. never .. goes .. away.

I want to throw myself down and kick and scream and pound my fists into the ground in a full out tantrum, just as some sort of distraction from the pain if only for a few seconds. I get so discouraged and isolated with it. Even more, I’m angry at it.

I’m angry that I can’t be fixed, like you can fix a broken arm, or a headache. I’ve also come to hate the word “chronic” … I don’t want to be associated with that, I don’t want to live on the same planet as that but weeks like the one I’ve had, reminds me that I can’t get away.

Each week when I go in for treatment I talk to the ladies who are also getting IV therapy and we all tell our story. It’s almost like a support group while being pumped full of medicine. Some of these woman (and the occasional man) have amazing stories, and some of them are stories filled with sorrow.

One girl in particular who is around my age said that she lost all her friends, due to the mood swings, the constant fatigue, being hyper sensitive both emotionally and physically. She said the only ones that supported her before and after diagnosis was her parents and her husband. An older lady had the same type of story because her friends thought she didn’t want to do anything socially because she was being a snob, when in reality, she was bedridden and barely making it through each day. Then she started tearing up, saying she missed her friends so much. Naturally, if one woman in a room of women is crying, she was handed 3 boxes of kleenex and several hugs (as we tried not to get tangled in each others IV lines hooked to our arms.

I guess I’ve been lucky in the fact that I only lost one. Everyone in my life a few years short of a decade have stuck around and road the roller-coaster with me and it’s been one bumpy ride.

What gives me hope are the ladies that come walking into the treatment room with energy and light and you can see in their face they feel good. They always tell me the same thing. Hang in there, follow your doctors directions, take your medicine and supplements, and keep it up. It’s not an instant cure. There isn’t a cure. But there is such thing as living a healthy, energetic life with managed pain. These women have been going through this treatment plain with Dr. C for 8 months to 2 years. So, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I just need a bigger basket of patients.

I’m still recovering from feeling like dog shit at the end of last week and over the weekend. Health complications, as usual.

I’m bombarded with make up assignments in school after missing the last few assignments in my Java class and with my nose to the grind I’m trying to get those completed both tonight and tomorrow before I have another class that begins. Ugh. I’m also on call for work somewhere this week. I also haven’t made an appointment for my treatment day. Ugh. So much to do, so little resources.

Now to get started hoping that there isn’t an emergency at work …

I got my labs back from my blood work today. I’m a mess, and my body hates me.

My thyroid went on vacation and forgot to come back, my hormones must be with my thyroid because my body hasn’t seen those in a while, the diabetes decided to move in, and all the infections I’ve had the last few years are hiding out in my veins still, and my immune system said fuck it. So my adrenal glands saw my immune system throw up its hands and decided to follow suit. So because they were sitting around doing nothing, they joined thyroid and hormones on vacation and, because the grass is greener on the other side, never came back.

In other words, I’m really really sick. And I’m going to be really really sick, for a long time before my grass is greener and my organs want to come home and start functioning again. That’s if I can find out the vacation hiding spot, because if I don’t I’m screwed.

Sigh.