.:: Yolospat ::.

I have been very negative lately about my divorce. Like the 50% that make it, I started and ended keeping true to my vows, yet I’ve been beating myself up for a failed marriage in which I as a person did not fail.

I wanted my marriage to last forever. Doesn’t everyone when they wisk off to their honeymoon? Time changes people, left over baggage changes people. So instead of staying in an unhappy marriage, I got out. I did that to give myself a chance at happiness yet I’m the most depressed I’ve ever been. Maybe until now, until I really thought this through, I did everything possible. I shouldn’t be beating myself up, but patting myself on the back because I wasn’t a perfect wife, but I was a damn good wife.

Everything has to do with attitude. Mine needs a huge overhaul. It would not only help my fibro, but my outlook on life, my future life. I don’t know what it will be like, but focusing on the darkness that may become doesn’t do me any good but will only lead to a self fulfilling prophecy in which my future WILL become that darkness. If I focus on the good things, my writing, my willingness to get better then my future looks a lot brighter than I ever thought it might be.

Only way I know this is I have good friends who have been there every step of the way, like Camille, like Tiffany, and especially my Mother who I know beyond any doubt, loves me unconditionally.

I don’t have to focus on the fact that I’m part of the 50% that failed, but I’m part of the 50% that might have made the right decision so that I can leave room for happiness and joy.

I have a doctors name on a piece of paper sitting here in front of me that has helped so many people I know personally. All I have to do is make the call. I haven’t done that yet because I was stuck focusing on never getting better. I’m going to call this doctor today, and start the journey of getting better because at this point I can’t get much worse. I don’t want to be bedridden next month and that’s where I’m headed. I have to stop this disease in it’s tracks and try to live while I have the ability.

Today, I want to try. I’ll have my days where my goals are fuzzy especially when that day is a bad fibro day, but if I can go back and read this post the haziness might clear a little even if the sun doesn’t shine.

I can do this ..

I’ve been going through a tremendous tough time as of late, and for lack of a better term..I’ve never been so down in the dumps. Everything is a problem, everything is broken, I don’t feel good, my heart is broken, this divorce is hard, etc etc etc and just typing it makes me want to cringe and walk away the first exit I see because I don’t even want to hear all that whining myself.

What I realized today, it’s not getting me anywhere. It’s only making me worse and worse, and in turn it’s making my fibro as bad as it’s ever been. I can blame the -20 to -50 degree weather as of late, but I would be lying if I didn’t say it was my very own attitude thats keeping me in a pit of darkness.

Until this morning. This morning I had a small victory. I haven’t been able to keep down multi-vitamins for years. They come right back up within 30 minutes of taking them. I’ve tried every kind, from regular for men and woman, to woman only and I finally gave up.

Then my Aunt Donna suggested I try the children’s Flintstones Gummy Bear multi-vitamins with immune support and without iron. She told me to take two in the morning with breakfast.

:: drum roll ::

It’s been two hours and I haven’t had any problems at all. I also want to eat the whole bottle. It’s like eating candy for breakfast. Speaking of breakfast, I thought it would make my Mom’s day if I made breakfast in bed for her. She said that was the first time anyone has ever done that. I’m happy she was happy.

So what I have learned in only the first few hours today, a different way of thinking has already brightened my day and make me inspired and motivated. I need to remember to look at the bright side, instead of the doom and gloom. To find that middle balance.

Mom and I made it home safe and sound the day after we left. We left Georgia at 10:04am Friday the 13th and made it home on Saturday at 2:45pm. We made some insane miles in a short amount of time. My Mom drive and since she has a lead food we averaged 80-85 the whole way. I also had Jonah and Molly on my lap almost the entire way so by the time we both got home we were covered in animal hair and I felt like I’d been hit by a mac truck.

People come into our lives for a reason and who would have thought it would be my first love? The night before we left Vince called me to tell me good luck and to be safe on the road. We’ve been texting ever since and today he sent me a very supportive quote.

“A smile is a sign of joy. A kiss is a sign of love. A laugh is a sign of happiness. A friend like me, well that’s a sign of good taste.”

Like I told him Thursday night, he’s always made me laugh and that quality of his hasn’t changed a bit. He’s being a great friend to me right now which was completely unexpected but aren’t all great things when we’re in a time of need?

Laughter is medicine, I really truly believe that and I’m happy he’s back in my life.

We went to look at a house yesterday that my realtor thought for sure I’d love but the minute I was in that house, I felt repressed, closed in, and by the time I was leaving my panic attack started. Mom asked me if I like the house or felt peace about it, and I didn’t want to disappoint her with the truth, but I’m not a liar so I had to tell her what I really felt even though she liked it so much. She said I need to be honest in how I feel, and if I don’t feel peace in a decision then it isn’t time to make that decision. I love how she’s given me such good advice throughout my life, I only wish I would have listened to her more so I wouldn’t have made such bad decisions.

My best friend Camille sent me a link today that I can stamp as fact with my Jenny stamp for being true.

It was about the lack of mens commitment when their wife gets a serious illness. You can find it here.

When I got diagnosed with Fibro a lot of things changed in my marriage, and not for the good. It was around that time Brendan started to distance himself from me. I noticed he would spend more time in the basement, and less quality time with me. On my bad days he would take out his frustrations of my illness on me because he said he didn’t have anyone else to talk to. I noticed that I was walking on egg shells around him more, and his drinking gradually became more frequent.

It got to the point where we were not spending any time together, those egg shells I was walking on became glass, and the drinking had become a nightly occurance.

Toward the end of our marriage, I asked him if we could spend one night a month together. He said it was a lot to ask for and he didn’t know if he could commit to it because of work (he works part-time at Publix)

I guess a person just knows when it’s over and it was that moment I knew I had to get out of that toxic environment, and that my marriage was over.

Brendan and I signed the divorce papers on the 6th and turned them into the court. I have to come back January 7th to go to court to finalize the divorce. In Colorado you don’t have to go back to court. Sigh.

This has taken more than a toll on me. There were things said tonight that touched the very core of my heart. Not in a good way. It questions my very soul to the post important people in my life. The most important person in my life. I’m not sure what to do, or how to fix it. I thought things were completely opposite than the way they were presented. This goes back decades, even longer. I question who I really am as a person who has too big of a heart and so much love to share and I thought everything was understood and ok, but they aren’t. My very soul is questioned. Love is questioned.

I’ve been doing the right thing ever since 2003 and being the responsible adult doing the right thing, making the right decisions, and loving my friends and family for everything, but .. do they feel it like they deserve? It makes me feel that I’m damaged, that I have been, that it’s permanent. These things I will never forget tho they have been forgiven.

When games over ride a friend in need, where does one go. I don’t know anymore. When there is noting left to say, it’s simple. There is nothing left to say.

I never wanted this divorce. I did everything I could so it wouldn’t come to that, but it has. It’s not only hurting me, it’s hurting my Mom too and I feel that’s somehow my fault. I hate it. I hate all this.

Solution of being a hermit is starting to sound pretty good. I can’t hurt anyone that way. After tonight, I’m at my own breaking point, if it hasn’t happened already. Words are daggers, and they went straight into my soul, and hearts can be repaired. But the soul is a different thing altogether. Souls can just die. If my soul would be a person, it should be in ICU, but there is no such thing. It screams, burden. That’s stamped on my forehead for all to see. It’s what my soul screams and I’m so ashamed. There is no way of coming back from that.

Usually when I wake up in the morning I scroll through all the tweets I missed without really reading them. Not only did I go through each one this morning (I’m sure it was because coffee was still brewing) but I actually read each one. Before coffee!! HA!

Anyway, I found myself a little gem that will make a huge impact on my life. It was a quote. Not only was it exactly what I needed to hear, it was something I needed to believe. Sure, this divorce thing sucks. I’m selling the home I feel in love with without a future home (yet) in the future. I’m actually really trying to act normal as much as possible thinking it will help with the sadness and loss when really I want to curl up in bed and cry my eyes out for the next year with a good supply of kleenex. Can you imagine the monster of a headache you’d have after that? Whoa.

This came from Martin Allsop’s twitter page .. “We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us” – Joseph Campbell

Like I told my Mother, I want to get through this whole divorce, moving, etc. thing without any regrets which means I need to be unemotional for a moment to make rational thoughts. Good luck, right?

I was talking to Tiffany last night that I haven’t even heard from my in-laws in over a month. My Mother-in-law and I used to talk/email daily with lots of “I love you’s” and she would always start her letters with her nick name for me .. “Jenny Dear” .. it really hurts and makes me question the whole concept of “family” again. How can you love one of your family members one day, then never speak to them again? It just doesn’t make sense to me .. it just makes me sad, hurt, and in a way abandoned.

Moving forward .. the realtor will be out tomorrow to take pictures of our house and we’ll officially have it on the market with a virtual tour even, hurray!

This whole divorce thing gets harder everyday. What’s worse, my in-laws have completely cut off all communication with me weeks before divorce was even a thought. I don’t know how the words “love” and “promise” can be thrown around so lightly. I worked so hard to make this marriage work and days later he’s out washing his car that I’m giving him and “returning to his arrogant, sneering prick days, which he really seems to enjoy” to having the worst panic attack ever where I sit with him and hold him and help him feel better while he tells me that he’s always felt him and his ex were perfect (even tho she cheated on him?!) and that our relationship wasn’t even tho he went along with it anyway and strung me along those 4 years based on a lie. This is right after he spent an evening with his friends at an NR rated strip club getting wasted and flirting with the waitress.

Like I said, I’ve done everything I could do for this man, and it’s not like I’m asking for repayment, I mean hell, he’s getting way more than he brought into the marriage, but maybe a little respect or some sort of sensitivity at the situation. When we were talking the night of his panic attack I told him how I gave him my heart and how he used that against me and his reply was “That was your first mistake, never give anyone your heart” .. I thought the safest place to put your heart would be in your husbands hands. He’s right however, pretty stupid of me.

I’m weepy today (which is an understatement). When I said my vows, they were intended to be forever. I never wanted to be divorced. We were on the same path in what we wanted of life, but instead of settling down now he wants “sex, drugs, and rock and roll” … in other words, drop me off at the curb and don’t look back.

This really hurts.

I can’t sleep. Mostly due to anxiety over tomorrow. I’m having the nerves in my lower back burned off since all forms of trying to elevate the pain has failed. To be perfectly honest I don’t think the pain in my back is the fibro talking. I’m getting to the point where I can tell the fibro pain from the arthritis pain and my back pain as well as my knee pain are definitely from the arthritis.

After saying that you might think of me as an old woman who’s had her kids which left the nest a long time ago and that my days are spent gardening happy humming in my retirement. When I was in high school I used to think that 30′s were the responsible adults who somehow grew lame and boring the minute of their 30th birthday.

To be perfectly honest I still feel like I’m in my early 20′s because I can’t wrap my mind around how time continues to go faster the older I get. I remember hearing this from my parents growing up and being a child there was no way I could understand it until now as I’m experiencing it. Sigh.

I sometimes feel that I hardly see the dust trails before the second lap is halfway through. I know it is something I’ll never catch again, like I could when I had tea parties with the mad hatter when I was once pretending to be Alice.

So, it’s decided. Molly needs some training. She’s gotten in a really bad habit of biting our feet and growling, then the next minute she’s all lovey dovey. When she’s biting my feet I just pick her up so I can actually walk through the house. I’m scared that if she bits my shoe and she gets her tooth or something stuck and I don’t know it and keep walking then I’ll break her teeth and I don’t want to do that. I know that they are her baby teeth but still.

My friend Chriss used to work at Petsmart training doggies so I think I might enroll Molly into the puppy class so we can get some manners out of her. She is also having problems with separation anxiety. Now that I’m home all the time she’s around me all the time. If I go take a shower or go to the bathroom or go outside where she can’t get access to me she doesn’t even care about toys or food, she just sits and cries until I have the door open or I’m back in the house, or she has some sort of access to reach me she’s fine.

She does pretty good in the kennel. We don’t leave for long periods of time. I think the longest we’ve left her in there was 2 hours. She’s still so small and we’re still working on potty training and her bladder is so small that we make sure to get back home soon to take her potty. She only cries for about 5 minutes and then sleeps. Once we get home she cries and lets us know how horrible it was being left alone. She’s really quite the drama queen when it comes  to that.

Anyway, I’ve been missing out on swimming because I’ve been so fatigued lately. I saw my primary care doc today and he put me on something new to help with the fatigue and took me off even more meds (YIPPEEEEE!!!!) and whatever it was that he put me on really works. I haven’t been this awake in days. Now we need to get my back fixed and I’ll be set.

On our way home from a doctors appoint which was extremy upsetting. The doctor actually said ge had no idea. What a waste of time. I’m stressed so much. I’ll have health insurance for 2 more weeks and that’s it for me, with no job. I feel like i’m being pushed off a bridge with cinder blocks tied to my ankles. I would like to thank my formor boss for this, thanks George. I mean, who gives someone one month to find a job with the economy how it is, right in the middle of the recession. Thanks, appreciate you kindness. And, yes I’m bitter, it was a shitty thing to. Especially since he knew about all my medical problems.

The marta was right next to the doctors office so we dropped Mom off there to avoid rush hour traffic. We failed at that, we’re stuck right in the middle of it. And I already miss my mom. What a sad few days it’s been for me.

Found this from a blog I often visit and saw this. I’m also sending this to my Mother since she’s had to deal with the brunt of my ADD throughout my life, both through the good and the hard times.

There is a common misconception in the world that having ADD is a bad thing. While the ADD-wired brain certainly presents some challenges, it also offers some incredible benefits.

I thought this would be a great time to offer a reminder about how being different can be an advantage! The following is a list of characteristics that I consistently see in my clients, friends, and colleagues with ADD.

1. Compassion. People with ADD have a tremendous power to connect with other people. But it goes a step further than that. We also have an advanced ability to empathize with others, and to see many different perspectives.

TV personality Ty Pennington, host of TV’s Extreme Home Makeover, has ADD.

2. Creativity. I’ve never met an ADDer who wasn’t creative! Writers, painters, musicians, film makers, designers, sculptors, comedians – the list goes on! Artistic talents are abundant.

Musician Justin Timberlake has ADD.

3. Drive. When an ADDer is bored with a task, completing it can seem like torture. But give an ADDer an interesting project to work on and watch out! When we want to succeed, and we have the necessary tools to do so, there is no stopping us!

Olympic Gold Medalist and record-breaker Michael Phelps has ADD.

4. Problem Solving Ability. ADDers thrive on solving problems and puzzles. Give us an interesting problem to solve and we won’t be able to drop it until we’ve found the solution!

Important historical inventors such as Thomas Edison is believed to have had ADD.

5. Hyper-Focus. The ability to hyper-focus is something that we ADDers can use to our advantage. When kept under control and directed towards productive tasks, like accomplishing goals and living dreams, it can be an incredible asset that allows us to get the job done, and done well!

David Neeleman, Founder and former CEO of Jet Blue Airways, has ADD.

6. Sense of Humor/Comedic Flair. Most ADDers love to laugh, and many also have a knack for making others laugh!

Famous comedian Howie Mandel has ADD.

7. Resiliency. There’s no denying that even though there are many great qualities that come along with ADD, there are also challenges. But ADDers have an incredible ability to bounce back from those challenges.

Chef and Food Network star Tyler Florence has ADD.

8. Intuition. ADDers have a sharp sense of intuition. This may be due to highly tuned levels of perception, or great insight into the human mind, or something else that we have yet to understand. Whatever the reason, it’s a very useful gift!

9. Idea Generating. ADDers are wonderful idea generators. We don’t usually like to be bothered with details, but we can come up with ideas at lightning speed! We’re a true asset in brainstorming meetings!

Entrepreneur Richard Branson of the Virgin empire has ADD.

10. That “Special Something”. Many ADDers feel that they have a unique way of looking at the world, a perspective that others just don’t understand. That is, until the ADDer meets other people with ADD! You might say that we’re on our own wavelength!

Well, things might actually be looking up. Turns out I have a nice healthy heart with no problems. Couldn’t ask for a better report. I tried to get a picture of the ulta-sound but the lady didn’t have a printer. Bummber. I’m trying to get as many pictures of my insides as possible. So far I have my bronchial scope and the MRI of my lower back (it sort of looks like a staircase) .. that’s what I get for not taking care of it sooner.

I’m 80 pounds lighter since the first of the year. No, I’m not dieting, I didn’t have any radical surgeries (at least ones I wasn’t completely conscious for), I do for the most part eat really healthy but I’ll have the occasional junk food every once in a while. I’m losing it from being sick and losing my appetite. It’s amazing how much faster you move minus 80 pounds tugging along with you. I hope it keeps up actually. Everyone wants to lose weight without doing anything, but … I know they don’t want to suffer through the sickness the whole time.

I am, get this …. I am getting better. I’m taking half the pain meds I used to take. I haven’t taken Oxycodone for 2 weeks and I eliminated my morphine capsule at night. I’m scared because for long periods of time on narcotic pain meds, the pain subconsciously feels worse than what it is. That scares me. Not sure I can handle much more, but it has gone down a bit. i don’t walk through days with an 8 on the pain scale. Right now it’s about a 5.5. That’s progress! I’m also feeling good that every single thing I get out of my closet falls off me. It’s been a long time since that happened. I have to wear a belt with every pair of jeans I have. I can move better, my shortness of breath has nearly gone away.

Nothing with my disease(s)/syndromes are easy fixes. All of them are permanent, but the difference is, I got me some good doctors finally who actually care how I feel. My Pulmonologist took it upon himself to get me into a drug trial for severe asthmatics to try this preventive drug which is most importantly, steroid free. It’s not like I have an appointment wit him … this was an after thought on his point to make sure I’m getting the best treatment available. Finally, I found the right people.

In other news, my Mother is flying down on Saturday to spend the week with us. Since I have Monday off I want to drive to Savannah Georgia. Since I’m getting better I think I’ll be able to handle the car ride fairly well, just as long as Mom and I don’t start one of our fights (like last time). They never last long, I just hate them to begin with. I’ve missed her so much, and I want her to see Spring in Kennesaw. Can’t wait!

As for work, I had a bad few days obviously if you read my twitter. Confidence is back and I’m right there in the middle of he game again getting done what needs to be done. Today I’ve had to give my team a tiny push as the deadline I set for them is coming up and I’m still seeing a lot of tickets in their queue still which is only 50% of the way I’m expecting them to go. We had a 45 second quick meeting reminding them of the impending clock that keeps ticking by not leaving them much time to reach their goal. I have faith, however.

Headed out to get a heart ulta-sound. I haven’t updated recently so for that I apologize but hopefully later today. In the meantime, here’s Jupiter, our newest part of the family all wrapped up in her 8 core goodness.

I’ve been sleeping for the majority of the time now that I’m not taking my thyroid meds. I think my energy has depleted at least 75% because of it. Something I’m going to point out to Dr. S when I see him next week.

My pulmonary doctor did my allergy test. There were about 80 different things they were testing for. If it wasn’t so ironic and I didn’t already sort of know it anyway, the one and only thing I’m allergic to is my cats, out of 80 different things. That’s good since I’m in allergy america.

I have tell a funny about my husband. They take me out to do a breathing test on one of their machines so as I’m heading back to room 8 where they placed us in the first place I thought I smelled something foul. It got stronger the closer I got to my room and when I walked into my room, BAM.

“Did you fart?
“About a min after you left, you can still smell it?
“You can smell it all the way out in the hall!!!!!!!”

So here I am with two magazines wafting the air, hoping the smell either goes away or just gives up and stops stinking.

I saw my doctor coming so I put away the magazines really fast and sat on the bed. He walks in, looks around and says,

“Um, lets use the room next door, I’ll get one of the nurses to do your allergy test”

My husband cleared a room. With his butt. I was so embarrassed at the time, but the minute I walked out I was laughing. I told him he couldn’t do that and to go to the bathroom next time. He’s the only one I know who can have scentless farts so you never know what your going to get. Not that day. That day, he literally cleared a room.

They did schedule an endoscopy on me for this Thursday to look at the blockage in my airway and take a possible biopsy. They will put me out for a small time and my boss told me if I need to take the day and work from home that would be fine. I told him we’ll see.

Yesterday the majority of us went home because the A/C wasn’t working and it got to be 90 degrees in the office. I was sweating like a whore in church. I hope they have it fixed today.

Not sure why I’m up early but it feels good and I slept in the recliner last night so I don’t have any sort of backache. I give my MRI scans to my pain doc next week. I want to try and scan them all first tho, even if they are a little big. What’s a good stitching program?

My Mother made the appointment and unlike me she likes appointments in the morning. I usually try to shoot for mid afternoon or late afternoon. We had horrible rain and wind storms this morning to the point there were street lights out at the most busy intersections.

When it rains, people here in Georgia people loose their ability to drive. Its like they reverted back to the first time ever got in a vehicle for the first time accidently putting it into reverse and driving through the garage door, as their parent in the passengers seat tries not to blow a gasket knowing it was only a mistake.

You’ll see drivers driving 15 mph and others (usually in trucks) that are going 15-20 miles over the speed limit slowing down only when they start hydroplaning.

The doctors office was right above the Lung Clinic that I go to. We were 15 minutes late due t the weather and the street lights being being down. We also had to wait for a train. I filled out all the necessary paperwork and nearly 2 hours later I actually got to see the doctor.

Even tho my labs showed my thyroid was low she wants me to stay off my thyroid meds. She said I would probably gain all my weight back that I lost and she wants to get a blood test in two weeks. Right there was enough to make me upset. Nothing has worked to help me lose weight except this so I wasn’t thrilled with this idea. I started crying and she turned to my husband and said “since she isn’t comprehending what I’m saying can you write this down” like I wasn’t even sitting there in the same room. I’ve lost so much weight and it feels damn good. When you have 65 pounds less of your body and knees it’s indescribable. Thinking of gaining that back just isn’t remotely ok with me.

After I gained my composer a bit I started asking her the questions I had planned to ask her before I went in. She didn’t answer a single one of them and told me come back in 2 months to do some blood work and see where we were with things.

I think I saw her for about 10 minutes. Maybe 15.

As I passed b the desk to check out I gave them my slip and when the nurse went to schedule my appointment I told her I wasn’t coming back. Once I got home I called my PCP and told his nurse of my experience and they suggested another doctor for me to see.

Its rare to see a doctor with any type of bedside manner anymore (or nurse for that matter, not talking about you Hillary Gayle, your going to be the best nurse ever!)

So, I’m back to being extremely discouraged and frustrated. How much longer can I do this?

For once in a long time I had a week full of good, and the week isn’t even over yet. Hopefully the momentum will continue and I didn’t just jinx myself in the process of writing this blog entry.

Things started off on a good foot on Monday when I was ready for my Doctors appointment hours early. It always feels better to be ready for upcoming plans than to remember at the last minute and be rushed forgetting your head along the way. I met my new doctor with heightened anxiety as I’ve had such bad luck in the last year heath wise and doctor wise. I didn’t let myself hold high expectations for this guy like I had for the other worthless pill pushing, money stealing, non-helpful SOBs I’ve encountered within this last year. The only problems I can remember is having a little bit of difficulty in finding the actual office when it was in a medical park where the buildings all look alike only with different names on the front doors. When I finally found the right office I had my new patient paper work in hand and ready to turn in. When I finally met the doctor I didn’t let my guard down. I brought him up to speed of all the falls I’ve taken over the last year, everything I had been diagnosed with and how my health and body on our this downward spiral with no one to help me. I explained to him the mis-haps of the other doctors and I was finally validated when he told me that the Fibro and Fatigue Center was raping me for all the money I had, putting me on pills and medications that were completely un-needed and ordering tests that weren’t even in the same planet as to the actual illness at hand. It upset me to being duped, but at the same time I felt better knowing I had made the right choice in leaving.

I had with me all my blood tests and all other tests that I had gotten copies of. For any doctor I’m sure it had to be overwhelming and he wasn’t hiding that fact but he was also extremely concerned. Maybe it was my emotional self or maybe it was because he saw something between the lines, like some sort of pattern that alarmed him, but whatever the case he wanted to go over the stack of papers I gave him and didn’t want to wait to see me again so we could sit down and figure out what was going on. He scheduled me in for next week so he could get my medical records from the other doctors. Before we left he said he would always be upfront in the process of making me well and he would always make sure I was fully aware of any tests or medication or treatment I would be going through. He said he was honest when it came to that and he would never go through until he knew I fully understood. Just from his blunted honesty at the beginning of the appointment I knew he was telling the truth. He didn’t seem like he had any reason to lie, but he said he would get to the bottom of it, and reassured me of that. So now I have a new doctor, who feels he couldn’t wait to see me and wants me to come back in a weeks time. That’s pretty impressive. I was impressed.

Today I saw my lung doctor too. After my 6 minute walk around the office it was determined that I do not have to be on oxygen anymore and I’m allowed to go back to work, in the actual office instead of here at home. Instead of calling my boss I’m going to make a surprise appearance tomorrow. One of my tech’s called me tonight just to see how I was doing. I have a good team of guys that work hard, it makes it easier to be their boss.

I’ve been having some really horrible sleeping problems. My sleep meds have decided to quit working on me giving me nothing left to aid in the sleeping process so after a few days of that the body starts giving into the exhaustion to where I was finding myself asleep at my desk (which is quite comfortable to sleep at btw).

Finally, I was able fall asleep and it took a full 24 hours for my health bar to regain its full strength. The bad thing about this is it’s 3:30am so there isn’t much luck going back to sleep after I’ve already woken up. I tried, didn’t work.

I did however take another fall in the bathroom. I think my shoes were still wet from being out on the back porch trying to get my dog to come back inside I landed square on my right knee. For people with Fibro, falling has to be the worst. It’s not just a fall. It’s a total body flare up so not only does my knee hurt but my body feels like its just been through the meat grinder. Ouch.

My plan is to work early and go see my new doctor at 1pm. I hope he helps. I’m really tired of this doctor hopping. Mom keeps telling me there is a doctor out there that will help me and after a year my 8 ball is saying that things are looking grim. I’ll keep trying. What else can I do at that point?

I’m looking forward to the 31 days to a better blog challenge.

Ok, I admit I’m a coward again. My MOTHER actually called and made the appointment and “got a feel” for the place. I know I’m lame in having my Mother call but at this point my anxiety level shoots through the roof when it comes to doctors. This last year I have been to doctor after doctor who hasn’t been able to help me and I know the poem I wrote was pretty emo, but I’m really tired of living a life with so much intense pain where I can’t even dress myself all by myself, or take a shower without my husband standing in there making sure that I don’t fall, or holding the shower head for me because my arms aren’t strong enough to do it. I’m 30 years old living like a 90 year old who is 2 feet away from a nursing home.

THIS SHOULDN’T BE MY LIFE!

But it is. This is how it is day in and day out. The basics of caring for myself have been taken away for me. It makes me angry in so many ways that’s it’s changed who I am. Luckily my husband still loves me and supports me 100%

When I was in the hospital a few weeks ago my Mother was picking up some meds from CVS. My Mother is the type that talks to EVERYONE, god love her. It used to be annoying as a kid because I had ADD so bad I wanted to go go go, not wait until Mom stopped talking to people. Well, this talk she had with this woman at CVS her experience and struggle was shockingly similar to mine. She had gone to all the doctors I had until she found the right doctor to help her. She gave my Mother his name and where he was located so both Mom and I googled him this morning. He sounded wonderful on his web site. There was even a link that said “Update me about your condition” like he really cared how his patients were doing. You could imagine my shock at that. When I called the office I talked to the receptionist. I explained to her about my fibro, arthritis, and hypoxemia and asked her if this doctor had any experience dealing with that. Her answer was “oh yes Ma’am” .. then I asked the hardest question of all. I told her I had really bad luck with doctors just pushing pills at me without actually fixing the underlying issue. She said “he’s not like that. If he can’t fix what is wrong or if you are too severe of a case he will tell you who can”

SOLD!

I’m trying not to keep my hopes up. I’m trying but my hopes are high at this point and I just don’t want there to be any sort of let down. I keep thinking every doctor I see is going to be my miracle and every doctor thus far has been my downfall.

So here’s to new found hope. Oh, I forgot to say, he’s getting me in THIS monday. That’s fast. Wish me luck.

Don’t you hate when you wait so long just to see a doctor who comes in, diagnosis you or fixes whatever it was you came in for and he’s walking out the door 3 minutes later telling a short mild lame joke.

I had such high hopes that my new Rheumatoid doc would be “The One” who would fix me and make me all better. He gave me 5 cortisone shots from the top of my spine all the way down to the end of it since it’s been such a huge pain source for me lately, told me my labs looked fine and was nearly out the door before I’m like, um, wait. I was just in the hospital 3 weeks ago for Bronchitis which caused Hypoxemia in which I’m STILL on oxygen 24/7 for .. I definitely have some questions. So we went through my labs he did a month ago and every question I asked he danced around and basically didn’t answer. Even the simple yes/no questions. Then he changed my meds on me without us talking about it and I’m slapped an appointment card and rushed out the door.

Another what I like to call “Band-aid” Doctor. They slap a band-aid on you and throw you some pills without actually fixing the underlying issue. Pisses me off. I’m so frustrated/discouraged/angry. Is there any doctor out there that is actually helpful anymore?

I’m really bummed about this. I walked out of there feeling worse than when I went in (not every day you have 5 needles in your spine, ouch).

My dear sweet MIL (Mother-in-law) usually sends me very insightful emails. Among them are Insights from the Dalai Lama. Every day it seems to be exactly what I needed to hear. So, my dearest MIL, thank you for sharing such wisdom.

Insight from the Dalai Lama

“What irritates us in the first place is that our wishes are not fulfilled. But remaining upset does nothing to help fulfill those wishes. So we neither fulfill our wishes nor regain our cheerfulness. This disconcerted state, from which anger can grown, is most dangerous. We should never try to let our happy frame of mind be disturbed. Whether we are suffering at present or have suffered in the past, there is no reason to be unhappy.”

Bad news at the doctor’s office isn’t pleasing. I can’t return to work for another week, and the week after I’m work from home only, unless I want to be hauling around oxygen tanks. They want me on oxygen 24/7 now (instead of just nights or when I need it) and I see one of the big doctors in 2 weeks. Ugh. I don’t even feel like talking about it. I thought this was done and over with. I’m just, upset, angry and everything in between.

Tonight I have a splitting headache. I’ve taken everything under the sun but it doesn’t want to seem to leave. It’s probably because I’ve bottled up everything and I haven’t been writing and vomiting my thoughts each and everyday especially with Mom being here. She’s leaving tomorrow and I think things will start going back to normal. She’s been a big help and altho we’ve had our ups and downs I’m glad she was here.

That’s the mode I’m in. I’ve been asleep more than I have been awake in the past 24 hours and I’m ready for sleep again, already. My energy is extremely low because I haven’t been eating properly. I’m craving red velvet cake for some reason, but I managed to keep down some yogurt.

It’s been a very emotional day, especially between my Mother and I. She’s trying to help and as much as I know this it’s been hard.

I even had a talk with my Aunt Donna today on the phone and she said something to me that she’s never done in my life. She said I need to get over my anger. She told me to write down everything that was making me angry, put it in box and keep it there and “GET OVER IT!!!!!!!!!”. My Aunt Donna suffers from Fibromyalgia too which make the whole conversation surprising. So I did that. I wrote down everything that I was angry at, and I put it in a box and I put that box up on the shelf. It actually helped. Then came the tears, the “I’m sorry” and I accepted how rotten I’ve been over the last few days. All the grieving and mourning I haven’t done is on hold and put aside. I finally found my phones that were safely tucked away in my purse and I heard from my Uncle Joe and Aunt Martha. There is something about their words, and them calling that tears me to pieces because I love them so much and for so many years I thought they stopped caring.

Fact is, I’m not getting better. I’m still hacking up green phlegm but not as much as before. Its like it’s getting better and breaking up but it’s going deeper into my lungs. I’m going to bed here shortly so we’ll see how I am tomorrow. I still need to order my prescriptions and pick those up tomorrow but I’ve been asleep all day and I’m tired of Mark invading my dreams.

I’m extremely scared for my job. What if they don’t take me back? What if … what if …

I found something I wanted to share again because my guild master had asked for it. It will be under the read more part so this entry doesn’t take up a million pages.

(more…)

With my oxygen tank in tow. There are a few things I need t pick up at Lacy’s Pharmacy. Due to past experience this oxygen being administered via nose cannula does two great things. It makes sure the body gets the oxygen it needs, and it also dries out your nose to the point of daily nose bleeds. Vaseline only goes so far. Back in 2004 I remember that my nostrils were lined in bloody scabs. I don’t want that to happen again, so I’m going to get a mask and alternate.

How am I feeling? Well, I wrote a big long email to work about the situation and everything that was going on and I heard nothing back, which only means one thing. They are planning my hopefully “temporary” replacement. I have heard back from my boss and his boss however saying to take as much time as I need to get better. That was nice. I just don’t do good sitting idle so I’m going to learn something over this next week and it’s going to be amazing. I just don’t know what it’s going to be yet. Maybe I will drive into ruby and learn rails and gems.

I’m pretty certain I can make something really neat and cool with that to come back and WOW everyone with. I’ll try at least. I usually only WOW myself. WOW.

I’m digging out my ruby books now … and spending the rest of the night in programmers heaven (best time is when everyone’s asleep, like now)

No. I didn’t get fired. I have been in the hospital for the last 4 days however with bronchitis, pneumonia and sever asthma problems due to each. I am on strict home oxygen for a straight month. I am not allowed to return to work until the 13th :: glares at doctors note :: and only THEN will it be decided if I get to return for the remainder of the month while on oxygen.

You know why all this is happening? Because some fuckhead felt like coming to work sick (I know of one of them specifically who had bronchitis and girl, you and me are going to have words because I heard at least 5 people tell you to go home because they didn’t want to get sick) because she didn’t want to lose her job. Not once did she think, oh wait, we have people in the office who are on remission from cancer, or people with auto-immune diseases like Fibromyalgia who are magnets to this shit. That’s not even the bad part. This shit put me in the hospital and she’s sure not paying my hospital bill. I’m fairly certain they will have to put someone in my place temporarily until I get back (as my boss promised if I had to ever take medical leave, which, I guess is a test now because my hands are tired. Completely) So because this bitch didn’t want to lose her job or whatever, I got what she had and I when I was in the ambulance on the way to the hospital overhearing the EMT say “Ah shit, she’s dropped below 70, upgrade this to critical, stay with me now Jenny, come on Jenny, stay with me Jenny .. can you see me … grab my hand Jenny I was remembering her selfish little words. Pffttt, I don’t want to lose job. I was hoping not to die at that point.

So with my permanent lung damage (like I need more) I’m going to have to call up my boss tomorrow and explain to him that, yes I could do the job. I’d be in right this very fucking second doing it if they would make sure that sick people did NOT FUCKING COME TO WORK. Now I have hospitals bills, I’m strapped to oxygen to keep me alive seeing this promotion slip out of my fingers so fucking fast I didn’t even get to taste victory yet. I’m sooooooooo mad. I’m soooooooooooo pisssed. I had zero choice in this. ZERO.

After the 13th, if they let me work from home I could do that but it’s hard to manage a team that you don’t even see every day. One other person’s wrong choice cost me this. I’m not about revenge, I’m not about payback, all that is bullshit. I am about bringing into prospective what people might have missed tho.

Anyway, my doctors card and me. The good news is I lost 3 pounds past my 50 lbs for the first of the year. So, thats 53 pounds in 59 days. There it is, this is almost a death sentence to me. Going to work actually MAKES me feel better so it’s going to be a long 10 days of getting cabin feather. I do have 5 portable tanks with me but just one of those portal tanks only lasts 4 hours. As for the poor me, I’m getting daily nose bleeds from a dry noise.

The only good thing about the whole experience was I got to walk talk and mingle with this harp player who comes and just plays healing music to everyone who wanted to listen. My roommates thought Jerry Springer was more interesting.

This day comes to be bittersweet. Today 10 years ago was the last time I saw my Father alive. I will never forget our day, and our fights we had that day. We parted so upset with each other that we were on a non-speaking basis. Then I get a call from my Aunt Donna who brings my Mother over to my house to tell me the bad news. He’s had a massive heart attack and he died. A small part of my being always held that shame that it was my fault he’s gone, that I was the one that broke the camels back. It never occurred to me his father died when he was 20 from heart disease, and his father before him. Through the years after that that shame and guilt took over me and put me in very bad situations for nearly a decade. It wasn’t a few years after his death my pain of losing my Father became pure knock down hatred and anger. It’s been that way for years. I hated him, because I started blaming him for all the difficulties in my life. For all my destruction, trying to replace him with men who would just use me and beat me, suck me dry and leave me (except of that was Jason, and I wouldd tell him my fears that by the time we got married my Father would be gone, I was right). I blamed him for ever tear since he died. I hated him for the life that he wasn’t there to save me from, consciously knowing he couldn’t save me. He was DEAD, gone, and not coming back. My whole life the only one that ever took care of me was myself. My Mother and I didn’t have the Mother/Daughter bond that some kids who are adopted never have. It wasn’t that case with my Father.

He was a hard working man. The most hard working man I’ve ever seen my whole life. No man could ever fill his shoes. When my Mother started dated her “special friend”, I despised him. He wasn’t anything like my Father. Who was this man that put a twinkle in my Mother’s eye, who treated her in a way Dad never did. I went into denial about this man who spent MY time with the Mother. Time she should have been spending with me, but I never could let that twinkle in her eye go. This was one she’s never had before. She was never funny, and make me laugh all the time. Of course I thought it was because of ME but the place I was in was nothing even close to being a twinkle in any Mother’s eye. It was something that a Mother would hide and sweep under the rug. It seemed like everyone had forgotten about me. Mom was healing, everyone else close to Dad was healing except me.

This year, I think I’m finally healing. Not only healing from a painful path, or the horrible things I went to, but healing. I’m more or less angry about them all right now. Isn’t that the second step that comes after denial? I think so. I’m getting there. And It’s been all by myself. All my myself was the first sentence I said when I was a baby. So far it’s been true, up until now, when I’ve had to lean on my husband more than ever. That was another teaching and learning experience that I fought for years. Now I know it’s ok to learn on your spouse. I know he leans on me quite a bit. It’s ok for us to lean on each other equally.

So now I’ve come ten fold. I’m finally “growing up” as they might say. I don’t have only me to be When Brendan woke up this morning I was surprised by my Valentine’s day Presents. This is the second holiday holiday we’ve managed to get each other something.

That necklace is a deep blue heart. It’s beautiful. The other night he told me he loves holidays now. He never had traditional holidays and I’m born from and my roots are full of deep traditions that I use to dispise until I got married. Then I started thinking, what do I want my kids to have? I want them to have what I did. I want them surrounded by family. On holidays I want to be surrounded by family. Not family that just put up with you because you were present, but true loving family (in my world, my friends are family too, no doubt.) Family is who loves you. That’s what I want to be around. I wished we could have gone to Fort Knox this weekend if Brendan didn’t have to work, and if we would have planned it a little better. Anyway, I got Brendan a really nice watch this Valentine’s Day. It’s one of those that never needs the battery changed and I don’t want to give it all away if he reads this from work (guess I sort of did already). More to come later.

Plus, I feel asleep writing this post or about 6 hours. My new desk is just too comfortable. I love it to death.

I felt better today than I have for a week and a half. I’m in the middle of changing and switching some of my medication around which has resulted in horrible side effects making me feel completely horrible. Hopefully I’m on the up-swing at this point. The next hurdle is meeting my new doctors on the 23rd of this month in which my Mother is flying over for. Now that I know I have Fibromyalgia along with Rheumatoid Arthritis I will be seeing a husband and wife team of Rheumatologists that have experience in both diseases.

I’m really disappointed in my doctor at the Fibro & Fatigue Center. I found out that he read some of my labs wrong (have I mentioned this yet? I don’t remember) and so I’m off most of the medication he had me on. Well, I’m off at least 7/8ths of the medication I was before and I’m already noticing a change and I’m already noticing that I am feeling better. Plus, the nurses at the Fibro & Fatigue center here in Atlanta have been dropping the ball left and right. My doctor wanted to see every 3-4 weeks and he’s booked solid for the next 3 weeks which means I won’t see him for at least 2.5 months which means, I’m going to be running out of medication .. and FAST. Hopefully my new doctors will work out and I can make an easy transition. Oh, and get this. Dr. C at the Fibro & Fatigue Center treats all his patients with the same plan of action so no wonder I wasn’t getting better. I’m just really disappointed in the center when at first it gave me so much hope. Maybe I was grabbing at the last rope I thought was out there, I don’t know. I just have to find what works and I know it’s going to be a frustrating battle and my patience will tested big time, well, sort of like now.

So with everything going on, having some severe medication changes, getting sick, being way over-emotional, fighting with the hubby its affected my performance at work and I only hope that they will find some sort of empathy and be patient with me too. The only thing that hasn’t gone away is the pain, so I’m still dealing with that. It’s hard for people to understand because I look well but everything under my skin, including my digestion issues and IBS is a complete mess. I just need all this to come together, and the sooner the better. Not only for me, work, but for family friends and everyone else that is involved. I’m trying my hardest to hang in there, I really am.

Went to see “Hotel for Dogs” tonight. It was one of those cheesy Disney stories, but it was pretty good. Nice and light and funny. I knew the ending as soon as it began but .. I thought it was pretty good. Good, no, maybe just cute. It was cute.

I gotta go to bed now, I’m tired.

I hadn’t installed MacPorts since I reinstalled OS X and it feels good that its finally back So much easier to install programs. Plus, I’m a geek. What “normal” user would actually go through the mess and even the understanding of MacPorts. Heh.

So I’m going to try and condense down the Colorado trip the best I can. I’ve noticed that when I”m really emotional about something the best time to deal and/or write about it in a political way is after the fact once I got all my bearing straight and the emotions don’t out talk my logic.

The first night I got in Uncle Don and Aunt Donna meet Mom and I at at the Armadillo in Lasalle. I couldn’t believe how much some parts of the towns had changed, and how other parts of the towns hadn’t changed at all. Like for instance, Platteville. Still the same. The old house I grew up in still looks the same. Grandma Berry’s house still looked the same inside and out. See, Grandma Berry can’t see much more than light or dark but when I got up close to her she grabbed the bangs of my hair and started whispering “jenny jenny jenny jenny jenny” and when I finally spoke and said “Yes, Grandma, it’s Jenny” she started crying. She can’t forget me. I might not have been home for 4-5 years but you can’t forget living right next door to your grand daughter watching her grow up all her life. Seemed like my Mother and I showing up was center of attention and we all know how much I hate that.

I got to see some women, whom I used to give piano lessons to and babysit sit. Now they are grown and have more children than I have pets.

Of course going out to the farm made me miss Uncle Joe and Aunt Martha so much I made Mom promise she would set up a meeting with them too before I left to go home. took pictures of Morning Fresh Farms and then jumped down to Mespaigh cemetery to see the ranch and to see my dad. He was doing ok. I talked to him a bit. I think Mom did too. Sort of weird talking to stone, but whatever. Seems like that was a completely different life back then when he was alive. I think we were all different people back then. I’m sure I would have had a whole different life. Would I change it? I don’t know where’d.

After all the crying and seeing all the family I met all my friends up at the Armadillo in Fort Collins. It was strange. It was so surreal I almost felt drunk without drinking.

It sure was a great night. I never realized now much I missed my friends until that very moment. I had never felt so home sick, for everything back. For my old job back, for my old house back. Not my old life tho. No way. No how. I told them next time we come I’ll being the hubby so they can all meet them. I only want to talk about the good parts of the trip so I am going to not talk about doctors and appointments and news and all that other stuff I went to to. I sure didn’t have problems falling asleep at all.

In hospital since Saturday. Sorry for those I don’t respond to. Thought I left this whole Asthma mess (and chronic broncotius) in Colorado.

Seriously, I can’t take one more thing, no matter how small. Not one more.