We have a few missing trees in the backyard due to that first snow storm of the year last October or November so I’m going to have to see what we’re going to have to do to fill in those now empty spaces. I’m pretty sure that I’ll find something.

The better I feel the more motivated I am do get some projects done. According to Disability I’m supposed to find comfort and happiness in something and to learn more about myself and experience life. Not roll into the fetal position never leaving the house…which I’ve done for the past 2-3 years (not the whole time, just the majority) and I’m ready to get back into society and do some volunteer work.

I recently volunteered to build a website for one of the local marijuana dispensaries when I noticed they didn’t have one. It’s something to keep me busy and something they can get for free. Win Win.

More tomorrow. I’m tired tonight.

I have good news! I got approved by Disability! I feel so relieved. I’ve needed this help for years. I’ve only heard horror stories about Disability so I was very nervous going into the process. I was approved the first time around and it took 8 months from the first meeting with my social worker to the time he called a few weeks ago to let me know I had been approved. He said that I was the most well prepared client he’s every worked with. Momma-K’s mouth just about dropped to the ground when I told her about that. I’m about the most disorganized person I know but I do file when the piles get too big. It’s not hard to write down information or at least put it in your cell phone. Anyway, payments start in March. Brendan still hasn’t been able to find work so this is going to help out so much. My medication is really expensive too so this will really help. I can’t get on Medicare until after 24 months of being on Disability so I’ll have to have my own health insurance until then (and probably afterwards too, sigh).

I have a few projects I’ve been wanting to work on lately and I’m just pulling my resources together to see how doable my idea is. I’m not sure I’ll get into it here but I’m about 80% sure I’m going to open that pandora’s box. It’s nothing bad or horrific. It’s actually a really good thing and it’s helping me feel better.

Now that I’m on Disability (fibromyalgia, depression, scoliosis, ADD, and asthma. haven’t added thyroid problems to the paperwork yet because I’m still trying to get on the right dose of thyroid meds) I don’t want the label as being disabled. My heart and mind work just fine..it’s my body that’s giving me fits.

I’m on a schedule now and that’s really been helping. I usually get up between 8-10am and go to bed before midnight..most nights. I’m in a process now of weening off my pain meds and that’s been hard in all aspects. I hate the way the pills make me feel and I want to find alternative ways of dealing with the pain. I don’t nap in the afternoon and I’ve been cooking a lot more lately. I even make Brendan sit down with me at the dinner table to eat dinner. We’re re-organizing everything and making a spot for everything to go. I’ve been experimenting with different cooking recipes and so far I haven’t burned anything. YET!

I plan to break my hiatus and do a 30 blog posts in 30 days to get me started again.

For those of you who are blessed with health insurance more often than not dental insurance isn’t ever an option or if it is the insurance company would pay for a cleaning or a routine annual checkup. Anything beyond that and it’s out of pocket. Depending on your economical status and the ability to pay those higher prices for the gold and silver packages of health insurance when millions of American go without each and everyday. Would it be so hard to pay a little in taxes if we could be reassured that we would be taken care of if we ever got ill?

The last 2 years have been a huge change for me when it comes to my attitude about money. I was always able to make enough money to live comfortably all my life until I got sick. If I wanted to go to the store and pick out a candle just because it smelled good I’d do it without thinking twice about it. These days I drink store brand soda and I jump at any chance someone says “free food” .. my luxury this last year has been buying books on my Kindle and now I’ve even stopped doing that and trying to find some good free ones online. There used to be a time in my life I would have items such as the new Kindle Tablet or iPhone 5 or iPad2 on pre-order (if they had that option) and sure, I couldn’t splurge on as many dinner’s out to eat but it usually all worked out. Now I have a pile where I have Brendan put the coupon value pack when we get it in the mail. From transitioning from the lifestyle of feeling financially secure to not knowing where your next meal will be has been one of hardest transitions I’ve ever had to make in my life.

I’ve just recently lost the last of my really good digital camera’s on my trip to Wisconsin and I had $100 of birthday money so I got myself a Flip phone. Right now I’m relying on my iPhone as being my only still motion camera and it’s just .. cumbersome. I know that I can’t go to the store and get a new one. I still haven’t been able to replace my Digital SLR since that live at the bottom of Glenmere Lake now and it’s been nearly two years since that’s happened. Taking pictures along with my many other hobbies has been art and photography. Not that I can’t afford my art supplies I don’t have my camera to turn to either. And I can’t just go to the store to pick up something new, not because it was the hottest thing on the market, but because I’ve never been in this position before. I even pawned my iBook after I came home from visiting Darci to get money due to unexpected bills. I’m hanging on by a thread and I losing those things that I used to be able to do that made me happy and I used to feel so inspired and creative.

I hate how much money is so woven into our society and into our lives. Those days of me getting the latest and greatest have been over for 2 years now. I’ve been giving it serious thought about doing a garage sale, it’s just the time and effort that would have to go into doing it. I have another avenue too that might be opening up that poked it’s widdle head over the horizon recently.

The last few weeks my asthma has been giving me fits. Colorado has been quite hazy lately due to the Arizona wild fires and because 2 + 2 = 4 it was a no brainer why I’d been having difficulty breathing. There were several times last week that I “almost” went to urgent care when my O2 levels started dipping down between 90-93. A few years ago when I still lived in Georgia I purchased my own pulse oxygenation gadget (if you’ve ever been in the ER or the hospital, it’s that little thing they put on your finger to monitor your pulse and the oxygen levels in your blood system) from CVS, recommended by my pulmonary doctor after my last asthma attack that landed me in the hospital for a few days and later on home oxygen for a month. Normal is between 93-100%.

Last wednesday my breathing was extremely labored to the point my ribs hurt and the pain was radiating to my back because I was having to consciously breath. I had been doing breathing treatments for a week and using my fast acting inhaler (ProAir) but neither were working. I texted my oxygen levels throughout the day and my numbers kept going down from 93%, to 90%, to 88% and I reluctantly made the decision to go to the ER once I got down to 86% when I started to feel faintish. I knew what would happen before I left since I’ve been hospitalized 3 times previously for this very same occurrence and brought my kindle with me expecting to sit in the ER for a few hours. I was pretty pale by this point and Momma K told me my lips looked white. WHen I got there I got yet another breathing treatment, they took down my history and decided to put me on 2.5 liters of oxygen. Once my oxygen deprived body got some oxygen I almost immediately felt better and the color started to return to my face. When they took the oxygen away an hour later I had dropped down to 85% in less than 30 seconds so they made the decision to admit me to the hospital because I was so hypoxic.

Out of the 4 times I’ve been in the hospital for my asthma, this last time was the most pleasurable. All the nurses were so nice and helpful, and most of all … sincere. When a person is so sick to where they need to be in the hospital the positive and kind energy of the staff makes all the difference between wanting to get well and staying hopeful or being at the other end of the spectrum of hopelessness and depression. With all my medical problems in the last 4 years there hasn’t been one single person as dedicated to helping me as my two nurses on duty, Rhonda & Shane. I’ve gotten so used to being let down, or not finding answers, or having the knowledge that I wasn’t important or worthy enough to invoke concern in both the people around me and especially medical professionals. It’s something I’ve been struggling with for years. More people have disappeared from my life once I got sick than any other time in my whole life and I didn’t fully understand why until earlier this year. With the exception of one person, my Aunt Martha, no one has experienced what I’ve experienced and struggled with so how could they possibly understand the change in me spending so much energy in trying to hide invisible yet very real pain (at least with my Chronic Fatigue and Fibro). I think it’s easier for a person to put distance between themselves and something they don’t understand out of fear. Often there is a lot of misunderstanding and frustration and I know and understand that. I’ve accepted that. I almost EXPECT that. It was a nice surprise to be treated like a real person those two days in the hospital instead of some disabled invalid. The disease is in my body, not my mind and it’s easy for people to pass judgement. I think that’s why I don’t talk much about my health anymore and it’s a big reason why dropped off the face of the earth. It’s hard to be dependent when I’ve been overly independent my whole life. The limitations have taken a huge toll on my self worth but I’m not anywhere near accepting defeat.

So I’m on home oxygen for the next 3-4 weeks tethered to a 50 foot tube connected to my oxygen concentrator. It’s almost like being on house arrest. Thank the universe for my kindle and the internet or I’d go nuts with cabin fever.

Father’s Day was another hard day. My sister was there for me (thank you sis for being sensitive about it and for “getting” it, you know what I’m talking about). I’m on the mend. I’ve been doing a lot of thinking and even more worrying with trying to get Brendan moved here. I’m tired and exhausted, but I have my moments of motivation and today was one of those moments. I’m at the stage where I’m doing a lot of soul seeking, listening to my heart as much as possible even when I disagree with what it’s telling me and there are many things left to figure out, but I’m making a dent in that area of my life and will continue to do so. I even made an appointment down at the social security office to apply for disability. Part of me has put it off because it feels like I’ve given up. Only recently I’ve realized that I haven’t given up, my heart hasn’t, my body might think differently. I hate labels and I don’t want to be labeled as a “disabled” person. I don’t see myself that way even tho many others do. It only makes me want to fight harder so I can one day feel accomplishment and be proud of myself again. I’ve been grieving my old life before I got sick and I know it will never be the same as it used to be. Attitude makes all the difference so I try in every situation to see the good, to learn the lesson and to learn from my mistakes. I do believe that I can find fulfillment again, I just have a few more hurdles yet to jump over …

I’m a caged bird right now and I want nothing less than to fly free.

The one person I have control over is me. I’ve learned some pretty hard lessons this last year I’m surprised I made it out with my sanity. I’m going to let go of the last horrible rotten year and leave it in the past. I will carry with me those lessons learned. They are the only stow aways that are permitted to come with me into 2011.

I will do everything in my power to kick myself. I’m going to kick my ass out of the pity parties that have been coming around more and more it seems. I’m going to get myself out from underneath this cloud of negativity. I’m not going to be afraid to fail – because i will from time to time and I can grow from it – at least I would have tried.

My first leap into making this the year of Yolospat has to do with my better half. My best friend and soulmate. My ex-husband. I know I know, you’re all thinking, “You’re best friends with your ex-husband?!” Well, we are a rare breed I suppose. In fact, we have better communication skills now with each other than when we were married. I would have not made it through this last year without him. It’s been a year and almost 4 months since I saw him last so this month I’m going to fly out to Georgia to see him. We are both excited, and it gives us something to look forward to. We never got to say goodbye when we made – in my opinion – too rash of a decision. Growth and good changes between us have happened, and also individually that couldn’t have happened had we still been together. Brendan is what smiles are made of, and I can’t wait to see him. We have agreed that I would bring his xmas box with me instead of shipping it so that we can open his presents together.

I have a few projects lined up for this next year. I will be focusing on my writing this year. This includes my blogs, articles, journaling, poetry, freelancing, short stories and a novel I’m working on at the moment. I’m also going to be focusing on my artwork and bring my portfolio into existence. I’m going to try and volunteer at the humane society. I also have house projects lined up, like painting a few rooms, my fence and my deck. I need to put the art studio back together too. I think I might bring the studio inside and put it int he basement for the winter so I won’t have to worry about heating the garage (which is detached from the home).

I have to remember to pace myself. Living with Fibromyalgia is a very tricky balancing act. If I have a good day and I use up more energy than I should have I’ll be in bed for the next 2 days exhausted. I have to remember that I can only do so much and the better I pace myself the greater my “good days” will be. I also want to talk about Fibromyalgia this year in detail to spread the word and to debunk the myths. I’ve talked about it briefly from time to time but it’s a very hard medical condition to understand. I want to help people understand, so anyone has questions please feel free to ask.

My Writer’s Market book came in the mail yesterday. It’s what every writer needs in reference to publishing, agents, writing idea’s, tips and tricks. You name it, it’s got it. It also has the updated 2011 list of all agents and houses, including what they specialize in and what they are looking for. I also got the Short Story Writer’s Market book too.

I hope everyone makes this year a better year. I know I am.

I’ve been gearing up for NaNoWriMo!! NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month where one has to write 50,000 words of their novel from November 1st through November 30’s. This will be my first year doing it. I’m excited. You can follow my progress at My NaNoWriMo page. I’m writing a lot of short stories this month, and practicing on some writing prompts I have been collecting over the last year since I missed it last year.

Speaking of missing NaNoWriMo last year, sigh. This is the month of October and in 4 more days will be the anniversary of the day I got married. It’s almost going to be a year since I’ve seen my husband ex-husband. It doesn’t feel possible, it feels like a decade. And the worst part about it is through all the hustle and bustle of getting packed and moved, we never got to say goodbye to each other. The other worst part is that I don’t know when I will see him again. I miss him more than any word I can think of in the English language. Its emotional agony, only worse. I lost my soul-mate and my best friend all at the same time. Adjusting to being a single female living by myself is an adjustment I keep fighting subconsciously. I feel scared much of the time, especially at nights knowing he’s not here makes everything seem empty, but through my art, writing, reading, crocheting, and now knitting, I’m trying to keep myself as busy as possible. I’m so grateful for our telephone calls nearly every night, and I’m thankful we keep in constant communication and we’ve both grown from this experience, and he will always be my soul-mate no matter what happens in the future. The distance is so hard though, just so hard. When incidents happen like they did with “Lance” a week ago it makes me wish I were still in Georgia.

Jonah is a lot better. His face is healing at a remarkable speed. The scabs are starting to fall off and new skin is fresh and pink underneath. My friend David got a new puppy. A miniature Chihuahua named taco. I was scared at first that taco and Molly would butt heads for dominance but it was amazing how fast she took to him. This is the first time she’s meeting a dog smaller than her, it was so cute. David made a funny joke. He said if Molly and Taco had puppies, they would have tamales. Hehe. Pictures coming soon of Taco. I’m also building a computer for David that he can use now that he’s gone back to school and kicking ass with his grades.

I’ve been using my iPad a lot for writing out my short stories and my writing exercises. For some reason I’ve gotten a talent for tying on it. It actually makes me write even more than I do already. I found a program on the iPad called Manuscript that connects to DropBox so I work on it no matter where I am.

I wanted my marriage to last forever. Doesn’t everyone when they wisk off to their honeymoon? Time changes people, left over baggage changes people. So instead of staying in an unhappy marriage, I got out. I did that to give myself a chance at happiness yet I’m the most depressed I’ve ever been. Maybe until now, until I really thought this through, I did everything possible. I shouldn’t be beating myself up, but patting myself on the back because I wasn’t a perfect wife, but I was a damn good wife.

Everything has to do with attitude. Mine needs a huge overhaul. It would not only help my fibro, but my outlook on life, my future life. I don’t know what it will be like, but focusing on the darkness that may become doesn’t do me any good but will only lead to a self fulfilling prophecy in which my future WILL become that darkness. If I focus on the good things, my writing, my willingness to get better then my future looks a lot brighter than I ever thought it might be.

Only way I know this is I have good friends who have been there every step of the way, like Camille, like Tiffany, and especially my Mother who I know beyond any doubt, loves me unconditionally.

I don’t have to focus on the fact that I’m part of the 50% that failed, but I’m part of the 50% that might have made the right decision so that I can leave room for happiness and joy.

I have a doctors name on a piece of paper sitting here in front of me that has helped so many people I know personally. All I have to do is make the call. I haven’t done that yet because I was stuck focusing on never getting better. I’m going to call this doctor today, and start the journey of getting better because at this point I can’t get much worse. I don’t want to be bedridden next month and that’s where I’m headed. I have to stop this disease in it’s tracks and try to live while I have the ability.

Today, I want to try. I’ll have my days where my goals are fuzzy especially when that day is a bad fibro day, but if I can go back and read this post the haziness might clear a little even if the sun doesn’t shine.

I can do this ..

What I realized today, it’s not getting me anywhere. It’s only making me worse and worse, and in turn it’s making my fibro as bad as it’s ever been. I can blame the -20 to -50 degree weather as of late, but I would be lying if I didn’t say it was my very own attitude thats keeping me in a pit of darkness.

Until this morning. This morning I had a small victory. I haven’t been able to keep down multi-vitamins for years. They come right back up within 30 minutes of taking them. I’ve tried every kind, from regular for men and woman, to woman only and I finally gave up.

Then my Aunt Donna suggested I try the children’s Flintstones Gummy Bear multi-vitamins with immune support and without iron. She told me to take two in the morning with breakfast.

:: drum roll ::

It’s been two hours and I haven’t had any problems at all. I also want to eat the whole bottle. It’s like eating candy for breakfast. Speaking of breakfast, I thought it would make my Mom’s day if I made breakfast in bed for her. She said that was the first time anyone has ever done that. I’m happy she was happy.

So what I have learned in only the first few hours today, a different way of thinking has already brightened my day and make me inspired and motivated. I need to remember to look at the bright side, instead of the doom and gloom. To find that middle balance.

People come into our lives for a reason and who would have thought it would be my first love? The night before we left Vince called me to tell me good luck and to be safe on the road. We’ve been texting ever since and today he sent me a very supportive quote.

“A smile is a sign of joy. A kiss is a sign of love. A laugh is a sign of happiness. A friend like me, well that’s a sign of good taste.”

Like I told him Thursday night, he’s always made me laugh and that quality of his hasn’t changed a bit. He’s being a great friend to me right now which was completely unexpected but aren’t all great things when we’re in a time of need?

Laughter is medicine, I really truly believe that and I’m happy he’s back in my life.

We went to look at a house yesterday that my realtor thought for sure I’d love but the minute I was in that house, I felt repressed, closed in, and by the time I was leaving my panic attack started. Mom asked me if I like the house or felt peace about it, and I didn’t want to disappoint her with the truth, but I’m not a liar so I had to tell her what I really felt even though she liked it so much. She said I need to be honest in how I feel, and if I don’t feel peace in a decision then it isn’t time to make that decision. I love how she’s given me such good advice throughout my life, I only wish I would have listened to her more so I wouldn’t have made such bad decisions.

It was about the lack of mens commitment when their wife gets a serious illness. You can find it here.

When I got diagnosed with Fibro a lot of things changed in my marriage, and not for the good. It was around that time Brendan started to distance himself from me. I noticed he would spend more time in the basement, and less quality time with me. On my bad days he would take out his frustrations of my illness on me because he said he didn’t have anyone else to talk to. I noticed that I was walking on egg shells around him more, and his drinking gradually became more frequent.

It got to the point where we were not spending any time together, those egg shells I was walking on became glass, and the drinking had become a nightly occurance.

Toward the end of our marriage, I asked him if we could spend one night a month together. He said it was a lot to ask for and he didn’t know if he could commit to it because of work (he works part-time at Publix)

I guess a person just knows when it’s over and it was that moment I knew I had to get out of that toxic environment, and that my marriage was over.