.:: Yolospat ::.

I can’t sleep. Mostly due to anxiety over tomorrow. I’m having the nerves in my lower back burned off since all forms of trying to elevate the pain has failed. To be perfectly honest I don’t think the pain in my back is the fibro talking. I’m getting to the point where I can tell the fibro pain from the arthritis pain and my back pain as well as my knee pain are definitely from the arthritis.

After saying that you might think of me as an old woman who’s had her kids which left the nest a long time ago and that my days are spent gardening happy humming in my retirement. When I was in high school I used to think that 30′s were the responsible adults who somehow grew lame and boring the minute of their 30th birthday.

To be perfectly honest I still feel like I’m in my early 20′s because I can’t wrap my mind around how time continues to go faster the older I get. I remember hearing this from my parents growing up and being a child there was no way I could understand it until now as I’m experiencing it. Sigh.

I sometimes feel that I hardly see the dust trails before the second lap is halfway through. I know it is something I’ll never catch again, like I could when I had tea parties with the mad hatter when I was once pretending to be Alice.

I’ve been having some really horrible sleeping problems. My sleep meds have decided to quit working on me giving me nothing left to aid in the sleeping process so after a few days of that the body starts giving into the exhaustion to where I was finding myself asleep at my desk (which is quite comfortable to sleep at btw).

Finally, I was able fall asleep and it took a full 24 hours for my health bar to regain its full strength. The bad thing about this is it’s 3:30am so there isn’t much luck going back to sleep after I’ve already woken up. I tried, didn’t work.

I did however take another fall in the bathroom. I think my shoes were still wet from being out on the back porch trying to get my dog to come back inside I landed square on my right knee. For people with Fibro, falling has to be the worst. It’s not just a fall. It’s a total body flare up so not only does my knee hurt but my body feels like its just been through the meat grinder. Ouch.

My plan is to work early and go see my new doctor at 1pm. I hope he helps. I’m really tired of this doctor hopping. Mom keeps telling me there is a doctor out there that will help me and after a year my 8 ball is saying that things are looking grim. I’ll keep trying. What else can I do at that point?

I’m looking forward to the 31 days to a better blog challenge.

That’s the mode I’m in. I’ve been asleep more than I have been awake in the past 24 hours and I’m ready for sleep again, already. My energy is extremely low because I haven’t been eating properly. I’m craving red velvet cake for some reason, but I managed to keep down some yogurt.

It’s been a very emotional day, especially between my Mother and I. She’s trying to help and as much as I know this it’s been hard.

I even had a talk with my Aunt Donna today on the phone and she said something to me that she’s never done in my life. She said I need to get over my anger. She told me to write down everything that was making me angry, put it in box and keep it there and “GET OVER IT!!!!!!!!!”. My Aunt Donna suffers from Fibromyalgia too which make the whole conversation surprising. So I did that. I wrote down everything that I was angry at, and I put it in a box and I put that box up on the shelf. It actually helped. Then came the tears, the “I’m sorry” and I accepted how rotten I’ve been over the last few days. All the grieving and mourning I haven’t done is on hold and put aside. I finally found my phones that were safely tucked away in my purse and I heard from my Uncle Joe and Aunt Martha. There is something about their words, and them calling that tears me to pieces because I love them so much and for so many years I thought they stopped caring.

Fact is, I’m not getting better. I’m still hacking up green phlegm but not as much as before. Its like it’s getting better and breaking up but it’s going deeper into my lungs. I’m going to bed here shortly so we’ll see how I am tomorrow. I still need to order my prescriptions and pick those up tomorrow but I’ve been asleep all day and I’m tired of Mark invading my dreams.

I’m extremely scared for my job. What if they don’t take me back? What if … what if …

I found something I wanted to share again because my guild master had asked for it. It will be under the read more part so this entry doesn’t take up a million pages.

(more…)

This day comes to be bittersweet. Today 10 years ago was the last time I saw my Father alive. I will never forget our day, and our fights we had that day. We parted so upset with each other that we were on a non-speaking basis. Then I get a call from my Aunt Donna who brings my Mother over to my house to tell me the bad news. He’s had a massive heart attack and he died. A small part of my being always held that shame that it was my fault he’s gone, that I was the one that broke the camels back. It never occurred to me his father died when he was 20 from heart disease, and his father before him. Through the years after that that shame and guilt took over me and put me in very bad situations for nearly a decade. It wasn’t a few years after his death my pain of losing my Father became pure knock down hatred and anger. It’s been that way for years. I hated him, because I started blaming him for all the difficulties in my life. For all my destruction, trying to replace him with men who would just use me and beat me, suck me dry and leave me (except of that was Jason, and I wouldd tell him my fears that by the time we got married my Father would be gone, I was right). I blamed him for ever tear since he died. I hated him for the life that he wasn’t there to save me from, consciously knowing he couldn’t save me. He was DEAD, gone, and not coming back. My whole life the only one that ever took care of me was myself. My Mother and I didn’t have the Mother/Daughter bond that some kids who are adopted never have. It wasn’t that case with my Father.

He was a hard working man. The most hard working man I’ve ever seen my whole life. No man could ever fill his shoes. When my Mother started dated her “special friend”, I despised him. He wasn’t anything like my Father. Who was this man that put a twinkle in my Mother’s eye, who treated her in a way Dad never did. I went into denial about this man who spent MY time with the Mother. Time she should have been spending with me, but I never could let that twinkle in her eye go. This was one she’s never had before. She was never funny, and make me laugh all the time. Of course I thought it was because of ME but the place I was in was nothing even close to being a twinkle in any Mother’s eye. It was something that a Mother would hide and sweep under the rug. It seemed like everyone had forgotten about me. Mom was healing, everyone else close to Dad was healing except me.

This year, I think I’m finally healing. Not only healing from a painful path, or the horrible things I went to, but healing. I’m more or less angry about them all right now. Isn’t that the second step that comes after denial? I think so. I’m getting there. And It’s been all by myself. All my myself was the first sentence I said when I was a baby. So far it’s been true, up until now, when I’ve had to lean on my husband more than ever. That was another teaching and learning experience that I fought for years. Now I know it’s ok to learn on your spouse. I know he leans on me quite a bit. It’s ok for us to lean on each other equally.

So now I’ve come ten fold. I’m finally “growing up” as they might say. I don’t have only me to be When Brendan woke up this morning I was surprised by my Valentine’s day Presents. This is the second holiday holiday we’ve managed to get each other something.

That necklace is a deep blue heart. It’s beautiful. The other night he told me he loves holidays now. He never had traditional holidays and I’m born from and my roots are full of deep traditions that I use to dispise until I got married. Then I started thinking, what do I want my kids to have? I want them to have what I did. I want them surrounded by family. On holidays I want to be surrounded by family. Not family that just put up with you because you were present, but true loving family (in my world, my friends are family too, no doubt.) Family is who loves you. That’s what I want to be around. I wished we could have gone to Fort Knox this weekend if Brendan didn’t have to work, and if we would have planned it a little better. Anyway, I got Brendan a really nice watch this Valentine’s Day. It’s one of those that never needs the battery changed and I don’t want to give it all away if he reads this from work (guess I sort of did already). More to come later.

Plus, I feel asleep writing this post or about 6 hours. My new desk is just too comfortable. I love it to death.

I felt better today than I have for a week and a half. I’m in the middle of changing and switching some of my medication around which has resulted in horrible side effects making me feel completely horrible. Hopefully I’m on the up-swing at this point. The next hurdle is meeting my new doctors on the 23rd of this month in which my Mother is flying over for. Now that I know I have Fibromyalgia along with Rheumatoid Arthritis I will be seeing a husband and wife team of Rheumatologists that have experience in both diseases.

I’m really disappointed in my doctor at the Fibro & Fatigue Center. I found out that he read some of my labs wrong (have I mentioned this yet? I don’t remember) and so I’m off most of the medication he had me on. Well, I’m off at least 7/8ths of the medication I was before and I’m already noticing a change and I’m already noticing that I am feeling better. Plus, the nurses at the Fibro & Fatigue center here in Atlanta have been dropping the ball left and right. My doctor wanted to see every 3-4 weeks and he’s booked solid for the next 3 weeks which means I won’t see him for at least 2.5 months which means, I’m going to be running out of medication .. and FAST. Hopefully my new doctors will work out and I can make an easy transition. Oh, and get this. Dr. C at the Fibro & Fatigue Center treats all his patients with the same plan of action so no wonder I wasn’t getting better. I’m just really disappointed in the center when at first it gave me so much hope. Maybe I was grabbing at the last rope I thought was out there, I don’t know. I just have to find what works and I know it’s going to be a frustrating battle and my patience will tested big time, well, sort of like now.

So with everything going on, having some severe medication changes, getting sick, being way over-emotional, fighting with the hubby its affected my performance at work and I only hope that they will find some sort of empathy and be patient with me too. The only thing that hasn’t gone away is the pain, so I’m still dealing with that. It’s hard for people to understand because I look well but everything under my skin, including my digestion issues and IBS is a complete mess. I just need all this to come together, and the sooner the better. Not only for me, work, but for family friends and everyone else that is involved. I’m trying my hardest to hang in there, I really am.

Went to see “Hotel for Dogs” tonight. It was one of those cheesy Disney stories, but it was pretty good. Nice and light and funny. I knew the ending as soon as it began but .. I thought it was pretty good. Good, no, maybe just cute. It was cute.

I gotta go to bed now, I’m tired.

I hadn’t installed MacPorts since I reinstalled OS X and it feels good that its finally back So much easier to install programs. Plus, I’m a geek. What “normal” user would actually go through the mess and even the understanding of MacPorts. Heh.

So I’m going to try and condense down the Colorado trip the best I can. I’ve noticed that when I”m really emotional about something the best time to deal and/or write about it in a political way is after the fact once I got all my bearing straight and the emotions don’t out talk my logic.

The first night I got in Uncle Don and Aunt Donna meet Mom and I at at the Armadillo in Lasalle. I couldn’t believe how much some parts of the towns had changed, and how other parts of the towns hadn’t changed at all. Like for instance, Platteville. Still the same. The old house I grew up in still looks the same. Grandma Berry’s house still looked the same inside and out. See, Grandma Berry can’t see much more than light or dark but when I got up close to her she grabbed the bangs of my hair and started whispering “jenny jenny jenny jenny jenny” and when I finally spoke and said “Yes, Grandma, it’s Jenny” she started crying. She can’t forget me. I might not have been home for 4-5 years but you can’t forget living right next door to your grand daughter watching her grow up all her life. Seemed like my Mother and I showing up was center of attention and we all know how much I hate that.

I got to see some women, whom I used to give piano lessons to and babysit sit. Now they are grown and have more children than I have pets.

Of course going out to the farm made me miss Uncle Joe and Aunt Martha so much I made Mom promise she would set up a meeting with them too before I left to go home. took pictures of Morning Fresh Farms and then jumped down to Mespaigh cemetery to see the ranch and to see my dad. He was doing ok. I talked to him a bit. I think Mom did too. Sort of weird talking to stone, but whatever. Seems like that was a completely different life back then when he was alive. I think we were all different people back then. I’m sure I would have had a whole different life. Would I change it? I don’t know where’d.

After all the crying and seeing all the family I met all my friends up at the Armadillo in Fort Collins. It was strange. It was so surreal I almost felt drunk without drinking.

It sure was a great night. I never realized now much I missed my friends until that very moment. I had never felt so home sick, for everything back. For my old job back, for my old house back. Not my old life tho. No way. No how. I told them next time we come I’ll being the hubby so they can all meet them. I only want to talk about the good parts of the trip so I am going to not talk about doctors and appointments and news and all that other stuff I went to to. I sure didn’t have problems falling asleep at all.

Other than sleeping all day, I did manage to clean up the kitchen and put all my meds that require needles in baggies so they are right there when I need them instead of going to 3 different places around the house looking for what I need. I still have the other half the kitchen to clean which is going to be project in itself.

Mom called me tonight to let me know she got an invite that my Grandma B will be having an open house 90th birthday party. She’s been really really sick lately and they don’t expect her to live much longer, so this is really going to be the last time I’ll probably ever see her.

It will also be the first time of me returning to Colorado since I left so I’m excited about that. I’ll be gone from the 18th to the 20th. For all my Colorado friends, call me, IM me, email me and we’ll all hook up. I miss ya all. The first place we’re stopping once I get in Colorado on the way home is the Armadillo, the BEST mexican food restaurant EVER!!!!!! I’m so excited about that. My mouth just started salivating.

I have yet to find a good mexican food restaurant here in Georgia and I have tried lots and lots and lots. I just can’t wait to have me some good, authentic Mexican food. I’m hoping to see my Aunt Donna and Uncle Don while I’m there, along with my Aunt Martha and Uncle Joe. I hope! I wish!

And, for being awake for such a short amount of time, I’m ready for bed again. I hope something starts helping me soon, oy!

My narcolepsy is getting worse. At work if I’m in the middle of working on a document I just wake up with my finger hitting on some key filling up the page. Often times I have to us only one eye to take away the double vision. The new med they want to try on me can’t be given through the pharmacist or the hospitals, it can only be gotten from the manufacturer itself. (www.xyremcom)

I finally called the FFC center to see what was going on with that. I found out that they hadn’t even faxed over the paper over. This is the second time in as many months they have failed to fax in my meds. It’s rather surprising, because this place has a good reputation. When I told Dr. C about what happened last month he was just so visibility upset about it I thought he was going to spring a leak. I wonder what he’s going say this time and how upset he might be. The strange thing is that the staff at the FFC has been excellent so far, much better than I’ve ever experienced…so where are these problems coming from?

It’s not like I want to get anyone fired. The nurses I do have are great and kind with excellent bedside manner.

But this is my life we’re talking about. I’m falling asleep playing Rock Band with my husband, I’m falling asleep at work. Which is not good when my boss or the bigger bosses walk by. My confusion level during these times make me feel like a doorknob. I randomly fall asleep when I’m concentrating on something pretty hard.

I will call tomorrow anyway to see if that paperwork has been faxed and I’m going to request that my doctor call me when he has a minute.

As for the other Fibromyalgia symptoms, I have to have another sleep study done due to my slight sleep apnea so I get to wear one of those scary masks at night. Oh boy, eh? I wonder if the face thing will amplify my snoring. I feel bad for my hubby. He went to pick up my meds that were due for a refill. I couldn’t do any of this without him.

I’m just so frustrated. I’m using the cane all the time now and I’ve been enquiring about getting a power chair (I first called the Scooter Store place that you see those commercials for but my new insurance doesn’t cover it. What’s next in the whole meds scene? More to add to the arsenal or less to make me less sane.

And where do I go for all these questions? All the support groups I have found are so pessimistic, where are the people with Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue living happy normal lives? Where are their voices? I’ve heard they exist, but where?

If I hear one more person tell me it’s going to be ok. I’m going to eat them for dinner.

I’m on a million and 4 meds it seems like and for the last few months my legs have been giving out on me to the point where I have fallen. Now for the last few days I keep falling asleep at random times. Worst was today while on a conference call while holding my coffee cup. I woke myself up snoring while watching the coffee spill all over me. Ugh. Embarrassing. I got PLENTY of sleep last night so I don’t know what is going on.Twice on the couch last night brendan caught me sleeping with my head down yet my fingers will still on the keyboard.

This is insane. I can’t just randomly fall asleep. Altho I’ve had a little energy the past few days and I have felt better the last two days, I have this annoying system.

They better figure this out quick. My labs from 3 weeks ago came back and Dr. C personally called me. Everything is worse. The meds aren’t helping, and some of the lab readings were downright scary. I’m supposed to be on bed type rest for the next week and a half till my appointment (there I go, I just feel asleep again, ugh). Thing is, my doctor never calls me personally. Usually he has the nurses call me to relay messages, but this time he had only had my labs for 15 minutes before he looked at them, called tranquilizers in and some other shit (first day of tranquilizers I didn’t like them so I stopped taking them, that isn’t explaining the random sleepiness)

I just have a gut feeling he’s going to drop some sort of ball on me. He can say anything he wants as long as he doesn’t say the word “terminal” .. fuck that shit.

Oh ya, I got Brendan a PS3 with 2 guitars, drums, a remote, 2 controllers, fallout3, bioshock, Oblivian: Elder Scrolls, and guitar hero. Ya, my husband is spoiled.

He just better be getting something for me this year.

Another late night due to one of our sites being down. Three different circuits down, all at the same time. I’ve been on this conference call for hours now and I don’t expect it to be over anytime soon.

I was talking to one of my new guys I just hired and he’s sitting at home working and closing tickets. He said “years of night shift and VPN are like crack” and it’s true. The 1am conference call I had the time before last (last night) I closed about 50 tickets just waiting to join the conference call. We don’t really have “shifts” per say at work. We have our normal work day and if issues carry on throughout the night, then we sleep in and come to work late (like today). After 4 years and a handful of months, I’ve just gotten used to it.

Feeling like poop today, and tired. I’m supposed to do a sleep study to make sure I don’t have sleep apnea. Joy. I hate sleeping away from home, especially with a bunch of wires connected to my head. Maybe I’ll look like a robot.

I’m having a bit of a problem sleeping at night lately, and the fat overfed squirrels aren’t helping. Let me explain.

We have roughtly about 5 huge tall acorn tree’s around the house and some of the branches and limbs go right above the house about 150 feet straight up toward the sky. We have skylights in our living room to allow more light in since we live in a very wooded area. Acorns are small, usually less than an inch big but they are like hard little rocks. With fall upon us, the tree’s are raining leaves down pretty constantly round the clock. Along with the leaves, come the acorns. When these acorns make their 150 foot fall right on the skylights there is a bomb like echo that radiates through the whole house.

BOOOOOMMM

It’s so loud. When it’s 3am in the morning it’s enough to sit you straight up in bed with a panic. My husband and I are getting used to it, a little, but it’s making our sleep pattern very chopping in between each acorn that falls.

I was outside on the porch this afternoon putting Jonah out and I noticed a few squirrels on the top of the fence. Holy moly, they have gotten fat. Every morning there are at least 20-30 acorns sitting on our porch and since the squirrels are so full they aren’t cleaning up these extra acorns.

If you have any starving squirrels, please send them my way.