It was about the lack of mens commitment when their wife gets a serious illness. You can find it here.

When I got diagnosed with Fibro a lot of things changed in my marriage, and not for the good. It was around that time Brendan started to distance himself from me. I noticed he would spend more time in the basement, and less quality time with me. On my bad days he would take out his frustrations of my illness on me because he said he didn’t have anyone else to talk to. I noticed that I was walking on egg shells around him more, and his drinking gradually became more frequent.

It got to the point where we were not spending any time together, those egg shells I was walking on became glass, and the drinking had become a nightly occurance.

Toward the end of our marriage, I asked him if we could spend one night a month together. He said it was a lot to ask for and he didn’t know if he could commit to it because of work (he works part-time at Publix)

I guess a person just knows when it’s over and it was that moment I knew I had to get out of that toxic environment, and that my marriage was over.

This has taken more than a toll on me. There were things said tonight that touched the very core of my heart. Not in a good way. It questions my very soul to the post important people in my life. The most important person in my life. I’m not sure what to do, or how to fix it. I thought things were completely opposite than the way they were presented. This goes back decades, even longer. I question who I really am as a person who has too big of a heart and so much love to share and I thought everything was understood and ok, but they aren’t. My very soul is questioned. Love is questioned.

I’ve been doing the right thing ever since 2003 and being the responsible adult doing the right thing, making the right decisions, and loving my friends and family for everything, but .. do they feel it like they deserve? It makes me feel that I’m damaged, that I have been, that it’s permanent. These things I will never forget tho they have been forgiven.

When games over ride a friend in need, where does one go. I don’t know anymore. When there is noting left to say, it’s simple. There is nothing left to say.

I never wanted this divorce. I did everything I could so it wouldn’t come to that, but it has. It’s not only hurting me, it’s hurting my Mom too and I feel that’s somehow my fault. I hate it. I hate all this.

Solution of being a hermit is starting to sound pretty good. I can’t hurt anyone that way. After tonight, I’m at my own breaking point, if it hasn’t happened already. Words are daggers, and they went straight into my soul, and hearts can be repaired. But the soul is a different thing altogether. Souls can just die. If my soul would be a person, it should be in ICU, but there is no such thing. It screams, burden. That’s stamped on my forehead for all to see. It’s what my soul screams and I’m so ashamed. There is no way of coming back from that.

Anyway, I found myself a little gem that will make a huge impact on my life. It was a quote. Not only was it exactly what I needed to hear, it was something I needed to believe. Sure, this divorce thing sucks. I’m selling the home I feel in love with without a future home (yet) in the future. I’m actually really trying to act normal as much as possible thinking it will help with the sadness and loss when really I want to curl up in bed and cry my eyes out for the next year with a good supply of kleenex. Can you imagine the monster of a headache you’d have after that? Whoa.

This came from Martin Allsop’s twitter page .. “We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us” – Joseph Campbell

Like I told my Mother, I want to get through this whole divorce, moving, etc. thing without any regrets which means I need to be unemotional for a moment to make rational thoughts. Good luck, right?

I was talking to Tiffany last night that I haven’t even heard from my in-laws in over a month. My Mother-in-law and I used to talk/email daily with lots of “I love you’s” and she would always start her letters with her nick name for me .. “Jenny Dear” .. it really hurts and makes me question the whole concept of “family” again. How can you love one of your family members one day, then never speak to them again? It just doesn’t make sense to me .. it just makes me sad, hurt, and in a way abandoned.

Moving forward .. the realtor will be out tomorrow to take pictures of our house and we’ll officially have it on the market with a virtual tour even, hurray!

After saying that you might think of me as an old woman who’s had her kids which left the nest a long time ago and that my days are spent gardening happy humming in my retirement. When I was in high school I used to think that 30′s were the responsible adults who somehow grew lame and boring the minute of their 30th birthday.

To be perfectly honest I still feel like I’m in my early 20′s because I can’t wrap my mind around how time continues to go faster the older I get. I remember hearing this from my parents growing up and being a child there was no way I could understand it until now as I’m experiencing it. Sigh.

I sometimes feel that I hardly see the dust trails before the second lap is halfway through. I know it is something I’ll never catch again, like I could when I had tea parties with the mad hatter when I was once pretending to be Alice.

The marta was right next to the doctors office so we dropped Mom off there to avoid rush hour traffic. We failed at that, we’re stuck right in the middle of it. And I already miss my mom. What a sad few days it’s been for me.

Saw the doctor again today and I’ve been put on a Fentanyl Transdermal System (morphine patch) along with more pain meds and countless other meds. I’m so tired of meds. I’m also being tested for Lime Disease, Ebson-Bar, Celeac, and I forget what else. I haven’t been to work all week and called my boss today to let him know what’s up. He said he’s been worried and he’s going to try and get most of my hours on call because I’m the only one he trusts (beside himself) for priority 1 & 2 issues. I told him I have to come in at least 3 times a week because I need to get out of the house for my own sanity, he said he understood. I’m finally feeling better tonight.

Things the last few days have been complete hell. I’ve never felt so much pain before.

:: cries ::

So, I’m taking one of XV’s idea’s and applying it to my everyday life. I have myself a notebook (my favorite one) where I can purge my brain. So far it’s working out incredibly well. I had a big homework assignment due tonight and I didn’t have the bottleneck anxieties infect my ability to concentrate and write code.

I just need to keep it up and not quick since it’s so easy to blame procrastination on lack of time. Lack of time is a huge reality for me but maybe if I can get a handle on my time management I can reduce the stress of it.

I started writing again. Most won’t understand that statement. Very few will find the significance and see it as comparable to someone who scaled a mile high brick wall.

I’m bombarded with make up assignments in school after missing the last few assignments in my Java class and with my nose to the grind I’m trying to get those completed both tonight and tomorrow before I have another class that begins. Ugh. I’m also on call for work somewhere this week. I also haven’t made an appointment for my treatment day. Ugh. So much to do, so little resources.

Now to get started hoping that there isn’t an emergency at work …