.:: Yolospat ::.

It’s been a while I know, but things have been busy busy busy !!!!

I’m finally in my new house (I’ve been here for a few months actually) and life in my dream home is going great. The neighborhood I’m in is exactly where I wanted to be, and I couldn’t begin to explain how in love with my house I am. It’s on a fairly large lot, built nearly 100 years ago. If only these walls could talk. Most of the house is original, like the doors and the beautiful hardwood floors throughout both floors except in the master bedroom. The back yard is so big and Jonah and Molly can run and play as long as they want. I find out something new about this house every day. There are so many nooks and hidden little doors that go to other places in the house. I even found the original skeleton key that fits all the inside doors!!!! It’s been lost since the first owners had the house. I haven’t gotten to fix up my art studio out back yet but that’s a project I have planned for the summer. What I really enjoy is the spa room with the built in hot tub. It’s really been good for the fibro and back pain. I also go swimming twice a week with Tracey which really helps too.

I’ve been busy lately with my best friend Carrie and her little sister Tracey (and yes, you too Michael). I don’t know what I would do without them. They are a constant in my life, and I in theirs. They are like family to me. We took this picture just yesterday.

I’m heading to Texas in a little more than 6 hours so I can see Tiffany and my two nieces. I haven’t seen those cute little faces for about 2 years and I look forward to lots of hugs and snuggles. I’ll be staying a week and I’m looking forward to the warm weather as it just snowed last night after being 70 degrees the day before. That’s Colorado weather for ya. I caught a great shot of the sun setting over the mountains the other day. I really did miss Colorado, more than I had realized.

I’m still working on my art just as passionately as before but I’ve been slacking in taking pictures of my progress. Hopefully when I get back I can scan them all proper. I’ve also been working a lot on my music lately, another passion of mine that came back to me after a decade long hiatus. My writing is going great too, and along with that I’ve acquired a new love for fountain pens both modern and antique. Again, I’ll have to talk more about that when I return from my trip.

Brendan is doing great, he finally got full-time status at his job and got his own department. I’m proud of his progress, and he’s always there when I need a pick me up.

I’m learning new patterns with my crocheting too which has been a fun experience. I have so many projects lined up that I’m busy all the time. Busy is good and I’ve been pacing myself so I don’t get too worn out.

I know this is a quick update and there’s so much more to mention but time isn’t on my side today and I still need to finish packing. Depending on activities in Texas I’ll try to make updates when I can.

Leavin’ on a jet plane ……

I have been very negative lately about my divorce. Like the 50% that make it, I started and ended keeping true to my vows, yet I’ve been beating myself up for a failed marriage in which I as a person did not fail.

I wanted my marriage to last forever. Doesn’t everyone when they wisk off to their honeymoon? Time changes people, left over baggage changes people. So instead of staying in an unhappy marriage, I got out. I did that to give myself a chance at happiness yet I’m the most depressed I’ve ever been. Maybe until now, until I really thought this through, I did everything possible. I shouldn’t be beating myself up, but patting myself on the back because I wasn’t a perfect wife, but I was a damn good wife.

Everything has to do with attitude. Mine needs a huge overhaul. It would not only help my fibro, but my outlook on life, my future life. I don’t know what it will be like, but focusing on the darkness that may become doesn’t do me any good but will only lead to a self fulfilling prophecy in which my future WILL become that darkness. If I focus on the good things, my writing, my willingness to get better then my future looks a lot brighter than I ever thought it might be.

Only way I know this is I have good friends who have been there every step of the way, like Camille, like Tiffany, and especially my Mother who I know beyond any doubt, loves me unconditionally.

I don’t have to focus on the fact that I’m part of the 50% that failed, but I’m part of the 50% that might have made the right decision so that I can leave room for happiness and joy.

I have a doctors name on a piece of paper sitting here in front of me that has helped so many people I know personally. All I have to do is make the call. I haven’t done that yet because I was stuck focusing on never getting better. I’m going to call this doctor today, and start the journey of getting better because at this point I can’t get much worse. I don’t want to be bedridden next month and that’s where I’m headed. I have to stop this disease in it’s tracks and try to live while I have the ability.

Today, I want to try. I’ll have my days where my goals are fuzzy especially when that day is a bad fibro day, but if I can go back and read this post the haziness might clear a little even if the sun doesn’t shine.

I can do this ..

When it’s family. My Aunt called me to come over. Seems that Comcast has screwed up their wireless system. That’s what she told me over the phone, but when I got there I found the culprit. It’s that damn Link-sys router that doesn’t work with certain types of Comcast modems. I had the same problem in Florida and here at Mom’s house, and now they are having the problem.

So I’m headed to best buy to pick up a Netgear wireless router that will fix all their problems. My Aunt Donna and Uncle Don have a full Apple network (that tickles me to death, I love it) so it’s nice to finally be a tech for apple products.

I’ll be heading to BestBuy tomorrow to pick up the Netgear wireless router along with some blank DVD’s since Mom and I are running low. I feels good to be needed finally. I’ve felt like a wart on a toads back for so long, I forgot I was actually valuable to people. Plus, I was paid in yummy homemade soup and this homemade cracker spread, vegetarian of course.

No, I will not come to your house if you live in or close to the Greeley area to fix your home networks, but family is family and I’ve been sitting in the basement of my Mother’s house not getting much more interaction than talking to my fur babies and playing World of Warcraft.

I might have more jobs on the horizon. My Uncle Don’s son needs some consulting on a web design for his production company and I’m supposed to talk to him when he comes home from Christmas. Apparently he’s dished out a lot of money for a web site and got screwed. I hear more and more stories about that. It’s a shame.

To add to the geekiness, my friend Brett and I might have a web design project dealing with his band. We’d work together in providing a working web site to promote the band and I can continue to add to my portfolio. That’s exciting and just what I’ve been waiting for.

It’s been a good day so far. I hope it is tomorrow because my job at my Aunt’s house isn’t done yet.

I’ve been going through a tremendous tough time as of late, and for lack of a better term..I’ve never been so down in the dumps. Everything is a problem, everything is broken, I don’t feel good, my heart is broken, this divorce is hard, etc etc etc and just typing it makes me want to cringe and walk away the first exit I see because I don’t even want to hear all that whining myself.

What I realized today, it’s not getting me anywhere. It’s only making me worse and worse, and in turn it’s making my fibro as bad as it’s ever been. I can blame the -20 to -50 degree weather as of late, but I would be lying if I didn’t say it was my very own attitude thats keeping me in a pit of darkness.

Until this morning. This morning I had a small victory. I haven’t been able to keep down multi-vitamins for years. They come right back up within 30 minutes of taking them. I’ve tried every kind, from regular for men and woman, to woman only and I finally gave up.

Then my Aunt Donna suggested I try the children’s Flintstones Gummy Bear multi-vitamins with immune support and without iron. She told me to take two in the morning with breakfast.

:: drum roll ::

It’s been two hours and I haven’t had any problems at all. I also want to eat the whole bottle. It’s like eating candy for breakfast. Speaking of breakfast, I thought it would make my Mom’s day if I made breakfast in bed for her. She said that was the first time anyone has ever done that. I’m happy she was happy.

So what I have learned in only the first few hours today, a different way of thinking has already brightened my day and make me inspired and motivated. I need to remember to look at the bright side, instead of the doom and gloom. To find that middle balance.

Mom and I made it home safe and sound the day after we left. We left Georgia at 10:04am Friday the 13th and made it home on Saturday at 2:45pm. We made some insane miles in a short amount of time. My Mom drive and since she has a lead food we averaged 80-85 the whole way. I also had Jonah and Molly on my lap almost the entire way so by the time we both got home we were covered in animal hair and I felt like I’d been hit by a mac truck.

People come into our lives for a reason and who would have thought it would be my first love? The night before we left Vince called me to tell me good luck and to be safe on the road. We’ve been texting ever since and today he sent me a very supportive quote.

“A smile is a sign of joy. A kiss is a sign of love. A laugh is a sign of happiness. A friend like me, well that’s a sign of good taste.”

Like I told him Thursday night, he’s always made me laugh and that quality of his hasn’t changed a bit. He’s being a great friend to me right now which was completely unexpected but aren’t all great things when we’re in a time of need?

Laughter is medicine, I really truly believe that and I’m happy he’s back in my life.

We went to look at a house yesterday that my realtor thought for sure I’d love but the minute I was in that house, I felt repressed, closed in, and by the time I was leaving my panic attack started. Mom asked me if I like the house or felt peace about it, and I didn’t want to disappoint her with the truth, but I’m not a liar so I had to tell her what I really felt even though she liked it so much. She said I need to be honest in how I feel, and if I don’t feel peace in a decision then it isn’t time to make that decision. I love how she’s given me such good advice throughout my life, I only wish I would have listened to her more so I wouldn’t have made such bad decisions.

My best friend Camille sent me a link today that I can stamp as fact with my Jenny stamp for being true.

It was about the lack of mens commitment when their wife gets a serious illness. You can find it here.

When I got diagnosed with Fibro a lot of things changed in my marriage, and not for the good. It was around that time Brendan started to distance himself from me. I noticed he would spend more time in the basement, and less quality time with me. On my bad days he would take out his frustrations of my illness on me because he said he didn’t have anyone else to talk to. I noticed that I was walking on egg shells around him more, and his drinking gradually became more frequent.

It got to the point where we were not spending any time together, those egg shells I was walking on became glass, and the drinking had become a nightly occurance.

Toward the end of our marriage, I asked him if we could spend one night a month together. He said it was a lot to ask for and he didn’t know if he could commit to it because of work (he works part-time at Publix)

I guess a person just knows when it’s over and it was that moment I knew I had to get out of that toxic environment, and that my marriage was over.

Brendan and I signed the divorce papers on the 6th and turned them into the court. I have to come back January 7th to go to court to finalize the divorce. In Colorado you don’t have to go back to court. Sigh.

This has taken more than a toll on me. There were things said tonight that touched the very core of my heart. Not in a good way. It questions my very soul to the post important people in my life. The most important person in my life. I’m not sure what to do, or how to fix it. I thought things were completely opposite than the way they were presented. This goes back decades, even longer. I question who I really am as a person who has too big of a heart and so much love to share and I thought everything was understood and ok, but they aren’t. My very soul is questioned. Love is questioned.

I’ve been doing the right thing ever since 2003 and being the responsible adult doing the right thing, making the right decisions, and loving my friends and family for everything, but .. do they feel it like they deserve? It makes me feel that I’m damaged, that I have been, that it’s permanent. These things I will never forget tho they have been forgiven.

When games over ride a friend in need, where does one go. I don’t know anymore. When there is noting left to say, it’s simple. There is nothing left to say.

I never wanted this divorce. I did everything I could so it wouldn’t come to that, but it has. It’s not only hurting me, it’s hurting my Mom too and I feel that’s somehow my fault. I hate it. I hate all this.

Solution of being a hermit is starting to sound pretty good. I can’t hurt anyone that way. After tonight, I’m at my own breaking point, if it hasn’t happened already. Words are daggers, and they went straight into my soul, and hearts can be repaired. But the soul is a different thing altogether. Souls can just die. If my soul would be a person, it should be in ICU, but there is no such thing. It screams, burden. That’s stamped on my forehead for all to see. It’s what my soul screams and I’m so ashamed. There is no way of coming back from that.

Usually when I wake up in the morning I scroll through all the tweets I missed without really reading them. Not only did I go through each one this morning (I’m sure it was because coffee was still brewing) but I actually read each one. Before coffee!! HA!

Anyway, I found myself a little gem that will make a huge impact on my life. It was a quote. Not only was it exactly what I needed to hear, it was something I needed to believe. Sure, this divorce thing sucks. I’m selling the home I feel in love with without a future home (yet) in the future. I’m actually really trying to act normal as much as possible thinking it will help with the sadness and loss when really I want to curl up in bed and cry my eyes out for the next year with a good supply of kleenex. Can you imagine the monster of a headache you’d have after that? Whoa.

This came from Martin Allsop’s twitter page .. “We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us” – Joseph Campbell

Like I told my Mother, I want to get through this whole divorce, moving, etc. thing without any regrets which means I need to be unemotional for a moment to make rational thoughts. Good luck, right?

I was talking to Tiffany last night that I haven’t even heard from my in-laws in over a month. My Mother-in-law and I used to talk/email daily with lots of “I love you’s” and she would always start her letters with her nick name for me .. “Jenny Dear” .. it really hurts and makes me question the whole concept of “family” again. How can you love one of your family members one day, then never speak to them again? It just doesn’t make sense to me .. it just makes me sad, hurt, and in a way abandoned.

Moving forward .. the realtor will be out tomorrow to take pictures of our house and we’ll officially have it on the market with a virtual tour even, hurray!

This whole divorce thing gets harder everyday. What’s worse, my in-laws have completely cut off all communication with me weeks before divorce was even a thought. I don’t know how the words “love” and “promise” can be thrown around so lightly. I worked so hard to make this marriage work and days later he’s out washing his car that I’m giving him and “returning to his arrogant, sneering prick days, which he really seems to enjoy” to having the worst panic attack ever where I sit with him and hold him and help him feel better while he tells me that he’s always felt him and his ex were perfect (even tho she cheated on him?!) and that our relationship wasn’t even tho he went along with it anyway and strung me along those 4 years based on a lie. This is right after he spent an evening with his friends at an NR rated strip club getting wasted and flirting with the waitress.

Like I said, I’ve done everything I could do for this man, and it’s not like I’m asking for repayment, I mean hell, he’s getting way more than he brought into the marriage, but maybe a little respect or some sort of sensitivity at the situation. When we were talking the night of his panic attack I told him how I gave him my heart and how he used that against me and his reply was “That was your first mistake, never give anyone your heart” .. I thought the safest place to put your heart would be in your husbands hands. He’s right however, pretty stupid of me.

I’m weepy today (which is an understatement). When I said my vows, they were intended to be forever. I never wanted to be divorced. We were on the same path in what we wanted of life, but instead of settling down now he wants “sex, drugs, and rock and roll” … in other words, drop me off at the curb and don’t look back.

This really hurts.

It seems when it rains it hails. Not for a day or two, but for months on end. There is no positives going on in my life right now, except for my outlook which is quickly deflating like a flat tire who’s spent too many miles on country gravel roads.

I’m sure there are people who are going to say ha ha, serves you right. For them, well, who cares.

I want to end things as peaceful as possible. That’s my goal, who knows if it will turn out that way or not but I want to walk away knowing I did everything I possibly could to make things work. That way I’ll have no regrets in regards to this.

I do feel completely alone in this. I keep thinking of those stupid movies where one woman is getting divorced and all her friends flock around her trying to cheer her up and hook her up with every human with three legs. That’s not been the case with me. My Mother came as support and her hurt and dislike of my husband has been taken out on me which makes me feel like I’m getting ganged up on. I haven’t even began to deal with the love that is now lost and now I’m dealing with everything except myself. I’m pretty sure in situations like this I should be trying to keep myself sane. I haven’t even had a chance for that.

So, this hasn’t been fun. All my friends who have even heard my words the last month are busy with their lives, or whatever and I’m here stuck by myself to figure it all out. I’m wondering when I’ll stop pulling the short straw out of the bunch.

I can’t sleep. Mostly due to anxiety over tomorrow. I’m having the nerves in my lower back burned off since all forms of trying to elevate the pain has failed. To be perfectly honest I don’t think the pain in my back is the fibro talking. I’m getting to the point where I can tell the fibro pain from the arthritis pain and my back pain as well as my knee pain are definitely from the arthritis.

After saying that you might think of me as an old woman who’s had her kids which left the nest a long time ago and that my days are spent gardening happy humming in my retirement. When I was in high school I used to think that 30′s were the responsible adults who somehow grew lame and boring the minute of their 30th birthday.

To be perfectly honest I still feel like I’m in my early 20′s because I can’t wrap my mind around how time continues to go faster the older I get. I remember hearing this from my parents growing up and being a child there was no way I could understand it until now as I’m experiencing it. Sigh.

I sometimes feel that I hardly see the dust trails before the second lap is halfway through. I know it is something I’ll never catch again, like I could when I had tea parties with the mad hatter when I was once pretending to be Alice.

I watched the first episode of John and Kate plus 8 last night where they were interviewed separately for the first time. It was said. I’m pretty sure I’m being bias for siding with Kate (being a woman and all) but Jon has just been a dick. He’s always been a dick on shows, cracking these jokes that would make any woman feel like shit. Anyway, I see this so often. Its the male midlife crisis and it ends up hurting families more than anything. I’ve seen that happen in my own family, within my own group of friends, within my Mothers group of friends and there is just no reason to throw in the towel without doing everything possible. Jon said on the show that he has a hard time communicating. He’s right! He needs to work with someone on that. Kate is overbearing, but I think she’s overwhelmed, I mean, look at all her little responsibilities she has everyday. He has no idea the pressure she was being put through while he was at work. Or maybe he does, I don’t know.

What I do know is Kate is scared of being a failure, a static and just like any woman who are social nurturing beings, they DON’T want to raise a family alone. When they had kids, she saw Jon in the picture from beginning to end. She saw a partner, a lover, a best friend and it was so obvious in her face last night that she is still so in love with him. The way he talked, he couldn’t care less about her and is ready for the next adventure around the corner, leaving the adventure he already started and hasn’t finished. Sort of like he graduated from college and he’s ready for college.

It doesn’t work like that Jon. You IDIOT. You aren’t a kid anymore ready to start something new and exciting. You’re a grown man with a wife and family and you have to push those fears of getting older away because you are supposed to grow old with your family. Go buy a red sports car or something but don’t traumatize these kids because you can’t figure it out.

Their new hours is pretty, to be somewhat positive. I forsee goats and chickens and other animals like that in the future. Kids growing up on a farm have such a great advantage.

I’m sorry Kate. I’m rooting for you that you can get through this. You’re a woman, you can, but I hope time will heal wounds faster than usual and you’ll find the one that does want the job that Jon didn’t finish.

I just got an email from my boss and I’ve never felt like such a piece of shit which my work at this company than I do now. The emails I get don’t reflect anything relating to such. The emails I get back are “good job! Your great! We love you! Thank goodness your there! You are always there and always the most helpful”!

I don’t know what to do. I love my job 99% of the time. I live and breath my job. But then when your boss changes it goes from old boss saying “I couldn’t do it without you” to new boss saying “My way or the highway, I will not accept anything less” so everything I have learned in my job I’m having to unlearn in accordance to new boss.

New boss has never been in tech support. Fort the last 5 years I’ve lived and breathed tech support. I actually planned on living out my career here. Now I’m working harder not only here but at home and when I get a huge project done to help my team it’s shot down and I get 10 canines.

I’ve never been so confused.

Our whole family has been going through the grieving process this past week which in turn makes this past week, for lack of a better term, suck. After some talk, we’ve decided that Jonah needs a friend in which he can speak dog to. One that is smaller than him so he’s not intimidated. One that doesn’t want to play with my 11 year old Neves and scratch him up to the point that he hides most of the time (he’s really getting social without the fear of a kitten ready to pounce him at any minute). And one with girl bits, not boy bits because

I’ve always wanted a girl pet, and let me tell you, I’ve had a LOT of pets throughout my life. I don’t know how I always get stuck with boys. I’m not sure I planned it that way, I think it just happened but not this time. This time, Jonah is going to have a little sister, a best friend, and a life long companion. Jonah is damn near a perfect dog in all ways. He has such good manners and he would be the perfect role model for a youngin’ to look up to, and adopt those good mannerisms, like how to ask to go to the bathroom, and how to ask for more water or to let us know his food bowl is empty. How not to beg, but sit patiently while us humans are eating our human food even if he doesn’t take his eyes off of each and every bite we take.

We want a little mini wiener dog. Now it’s time for the search and to make sure we are getting a healthy dog. I already called the humane society and they don’t have any we could adopt. It’s always the first place I look.

This isn’t a replacement by any means … nothing can replace our dear Pepper, but just like humans, animals weren’t made to go at it alone.

We didn’t have him very long as his life was so short but in the almost year and a half since we’ve gotten to be his Mommy and Daddy he’s brought a lot of joy to our house and to our hearts.

Pepper passed away yesterday around 6:30 pm. Until we have the official results (heart murmur, aneurysm, etc) it doesn’t change the fact that our little guy is gone, Jonah’s little brother, and our bundle of joy.

Lots of tears have already fallen and I’m sure more tears are to come. I still have his scratches on my hand when we were playing the day before yesterday. The effects of him not being here have already been present in Jonah. They were so close, nearly hip to hip at all times. In fact here is the last picture that was taken of him.

We’re having him cremated and he will be coming home to us soon, just not the way we wanted him. We picked out his urn, one that is playful instead of sad.

Well, things might actually be looking up. Turns out I have a nice healthy heart with no problems. Couldn’t ask for a better report. I tried to get a picture of the ulta-sound but the lady didn’t have a printer. Bummber. I’m trying to get as many pictures of my insides as possible. So far I have my bronchial scope and the MRI of my lower back (it sort of looks like a staircase) .. that’s what I get for not taking care of it sooner.

I’m 80 pounds lighter since the first of the year. No, I’m not dieting, I didn’t have any radical surgeries (at least ones I wasn’t completely conscious for), I do for the most part eat really healthy but I’ll have the occasional junk food every once in a while. I’m losing it from being sick and losing my appetite. It’s amazing how much faster you move minus 80 pounds tugging along with you. I hope it keeps up actually. Everyone wants to lose weight without doing anything, but … I know they don’t want to suffer through the sickness the whole time.

I am, get this …. I am getting better. I’m taking half the pain meds I used to take. I haven’t taken Oxycodone for 2 weeks and I eliminated my morphine capsule at night. I’m scared because for long periods of time on narcotic pain meds, the pain subconsciously feels worse than what it is. That scares me. Not sure I can handle much more, but it has gone down a bit. i don’t walk through days with an 8 on the pain scale. Right now it’s about a 5.5. That’s progress! I’m also feeling good that every single thing I get out of my closet falls off me. It’s been a long time since that happened. I have to wear a belt with every pair of jeans I have. I can move better, my shortness of breath has nearly gone away.

Nothing with my disease(s)/syndromes are easy fixes. All of them are permanent, but the difference is, I got me some good doctors finally who actually care how I feel. My Pulmonologist took it upon himself to get me into a drug trial for severe asthmatics to try this preventive drug which is most importantly, steroid free. It’s not like I have an appointment wit him … this was an after thought on his point to make sure I’m getting the best treatment available. Finally, I found the right people.

In other news, my Mother is flying down on Saturday to spend the week with us. Since I have Monday off I want to drive to Savannah Georgia. Since I’m getting better I think I’ll be able to handle the car ride fairly well, just as long as Mom and I don’t start one of our fights (like last time). They never last long, I just hate them to begin with. I’ve missed her so much, and I want her to see Spring in Kennesaw. Can’t wait!

As for work, I had a bad few days obviously if you read my twitter. Confidence is back and I’m right there in the middle of he game again getting done what needs to be done. Today I’ve had to give my team a tiny push as the deadline I set for them is coming up and I’m still seeing a lot of tickets in their queue still which is only 50% of the way I’m expecting them to go. We had a 45 second quick meeting reminding them of the impending clock that keeps ticking by not leaving them much time to reach their goal. I have faith, however.

This one was the worst yet. Better luck next year kid.

I’ve been sleeping for the majority of the time now that I’m not taking my thyroid meds. I think my energy has depleted at least 75% because of it. Something I’m going to point out to Dr. S when I see him next week.

My pulmonary doctor did my allergy test. There were about 80 different things they were testing for. If it wasn’t so ironic and I didn’t already sort of know it anyway, the one and only thing I’m allergic to is my cats, out of 80 different things. That’s good since I’m in allergy america.

I have tell a funny about my husband. They take me out to do a breathing test on one of their machines so as I’m heading back to room 8 where they placed us in the first place I thought I smelled something foul. It got stronger the closer I got to my room and when I walked into my room, BAM.

“Did you fart?
“About a min after you left, you can still smell it?
“You can smell it all the way out in the hall!!!!!!!”

So here I am with two magazines wafting the air, hoping the smell either goes away or just gives up and stops stinking.

I saw my doctor coming so I put away the magazines really fast and sat on the bed. He walks in, looks around and says,

“Um, lets use the room next door, I’ll get one of the nurses to do your allergy test”

My husband cleared a room. With his butt. I was so embarrassed at the time, but the minute I walked out I was laughing. I told him he couldn’t do that and to go to the bathroom next time. He’s the only one I know who can have scentless farts so you never know what your going to get. Not that day. That day, he literally cleared a room.

They did schedule an endoscopy on me for this Thursday to look at the blockage in my airway and take a possible biopsy. They will put me out for a small time and my boss told me if I need to take the day and work from home that would be fine. I told him we’ll see.

Yesterday the majority of us went home because the A/C wasn’t working and it got to be 90 degrees in the office. I was sweating like a whore in church. I hope they have it fixed today.

Not sure why I’m up early but it feels good and I slept in the recliner last night so I don’t have any sort of backache. I give my MRI scans to my pain doc next week. I want to try and scan them all first tho, even if they are a little big. What’s a good stitching program?

My Mother made the appointment and unlike me she likes appointments in the morning. I usually try to shoot for mid afternoon or late afternoon. We had horrible rain and wind storms this morning to the point there were street lights out at the most busy intersections.

When it rains, people here in Georgia people loose their ability to drive. Its like they reverted back to the first time ever got in a vehicle for the first time accidently putting it into reverse and driving through the garage door, as their parent in the passengers seat tries not to blow a gasket knowing it was only a mistake.

You’ll see drivers driving 15 mph and others (usually in trucks) that are going 15-20 miles over the speed limit slowing down only when they start hydroplaning.

The doctors office was right above the Lung Clinic that I go to. We were 15 minutes late due t the weather and the street lights being being down. We also had to wait for a train. I filled out all the necessary paperwork and nearly 2 hours later I actually got to see the doctor.

Even tho my labs showed my thyroid was low she wants me to stay off my thyroid meds. She said I would probably gain all my weight back that I lost and she wants to get a blood test in two weeks. Right there was enough to make me upset. Nothing has worked to help me lose weight except this so I wasn’t thrilled with this idea. I started crying and she turned to my husband and said “since she isn’t comprehending what I’m saying can you write this down” like I wasn’t even sitting there in the same room. I’ve lost so much weight and it feels damn good. When you have 65 pounds less of your body and knees it’s indescribable. Thinking of gaining that back just isn’t remotely ok with me.

After I gained my composer a bit I started asking her the questions I had planned to ask her before I went in. She didn’t answer a single one of them and told me come back in 2 months to do some blood work and see where we were with things.

I think I saw her for about 10 minutes. Maybe 15.

As I passed b the desk to check out I gave them my slip and when the nurse went to schedule my appointment I told her I wasn’t coming back. Once I got home I called my PCP and told his nurse of my experience and they suggested another doctor for me to see.

Its rare to see a doctor with any type of bedside manner anymore (or nurse for that matter, not talking about you Hillary Gayle, your going to be the best nurse ever!)

So, I’m back to being extremely discouraged and frustrated. How much longer can I do this?

I’ve been having some really horrible sleeping problems. My sleep meds have decided to quit working on me giving me nothing left to aid in the sleeping process so after a few days of that the body starts giving into the exhaustion to where I was finding myself asleep at my desk (which is quite comfortable to sleep at btw).

Finally, I was able fall asleep and it took a full 24 hours for my health bar to regain its full strength. The bad thing about this is it’s 3:30am so there isn’t much luck going back to sleep after I’ve already woken up. I tried, didn’t work.

I did however take another fall in the bathroom. I think my shoes were still wet from being out on the back porch trying to get my dog to come back inside I landed square on my right knee. For people with Fibro, falling has to be the worst. It’s not just a fall. It’s a total body flare up so not only does my knee hurt but my body feels like its just been through the meat grinder. Ouch.

My plan is to work early and go see my new doctor at 1pm. I hope he helps. I’m really tired of this doctor hopping. Mom keeps telling me there is a doctor out there that will help me and after a year my 8 ball is saying that things are looking grim. I’ll keep trying. What else can I do at that point?

I’m looking forward to the 31 days to a better blog challenge.

I have never done a challenge before, whether it be one of those “write a book in a month deals” or the “1001 goals to accomplish in 1001” days (even if I’m still working on that one, I just don’t have all the goals on there yet. So when I came across Pro Blogger as I’m going through my RCC feeds in Google Reader and came across their 31 days to build a better blog. This task at hand actually makes me excited and gives me something to look forward to. The contest begins on April Fools day (April 1st for those across seas that don’t keep up with American tradition.

I’m totally tagging my best friend on this one. Cammy-bear, you up for the challenge?

Ok, I admit I’m a coward again. My MOTHER actually called and made the appointment and “got a feel” for the place. I know I’m lame in having my Mother call but at this point my anxiety level shoots through the roof when it comes to doctors. This last year I have been to doctor after doctor who hasn’t been able to help me and I know the poem I wrote was pretty emo, but I’m really tired of living a life with so much intense pain where I can’t even dress myself all by myself, or take a shower without my husband standing in there making sure that I don’t fall, or holding the shower head for me because my arms aren’t strong enough to do it. I’m 30 years old living like a 90 year old who is 2 feet away from a nursing home.

THIS SHOULDN’T BE MY LIFE!

But it is. This is how it is day in and day out. The basics of caring for myself have been taken away for me. It makes me angry in so many ways that’s it’s changed who I am. Luckily my husband still loves me and supports me 100%

When I was in the hospital a few weeks ago my Mother was picking up some meds from CVS. My Mother is the type that talks to EVERYONE, god love her. It used to be annoying as a kid because I had ADD so bad I wanted to go go go, not wait until Mom stopped talking to people. Well, this talk she had with this woman at CVS her experience and struggle was shockingly similar to mine. She had gone to all the doctors I had until she found the right doctor to help her. She gave my Mother his name and where he was located so both Mom and I googled him this morning. He sounded wonderful on his web site. There was even a link that said “Update me about your condition” like he really cared how his patients were doing. You could imagine my shock at that. When I called the office I talked to the receptionist. I explained to her about my fibro, arthritis, and hypoxemia and asked her if this doctor had any experience dealing with that. Her answer was “oh yes Ma’am” .. then I asked the hardest question of all. I told her I had really bad luck with doctors just pushing pills at me without actually fixing the underlying issue. She said “he’s not like that. If he can’t fix what is wrong or if you are too severe of a case he will tell you who can”

SOLD!

I’m trying not to keep my hopes up. I’m trying but my hopes are high at this point and I just don’t want there to be any sort of let down. I keep thinking every doctor I see is going to be my miracle and every doctor thus far has been my downfall.

So here’s to new found hope. Oh, I forgot to say, he’s getting me in THIS monday. That’s fast. Wish me luck.

Don’t you hate when you wait so long just to see a doctor who comes in, diagnosis you or fixes whatever it was you came in for and he’s walking out the door 3 minutes later telling a short mild lame joke.

I had such high hopes that my new Rheumatoid doc would be “The One” who would fix me and make me all better. He gave me 5 cortisone shots from the top of my spine all the way down to the end of it since it’s been such a huge pain source for me lately, told me my labs looked fine and was nearly out the door before I’m like, um, wait. I was just in the hospital 3 weeks ago for Bronchitis which caused Hypoxemia in which I’m STILL on oxygen 24/7 for .. I definitely have some questions. So we went through my labs he did a month ago and every question I asked he danced around and basically didn’t answer. Even the simple yes/no questions. Then he changed my meds on me without us talking about it and I’m slapped an appointment card and rushed out the door.

Another what I like to call “Band-aid” Doctor. They slap a band-aid on you and throw you some pills without actually fixing the underlying issue. Pisses me off. I’m so frustrated/discouraged/angry. Is there any doctor out there that is actually helpful anymore?

I’m really bummed about this. I walked out of there feeling worse than when I went in (not every day you have 5 needles in your spine, ouch).

Talk about an interesting day. I’m sitting here in my office reading my email this morning, just like I do every morning. Brendan was still sleeping so I was trying to be quiet. Jonah starts getting really antsy about something going on outside which he does from time to time, like when people walk their dogs down our cul-te-sac, or if there is a cat walking by or something so I didn’t think much of it. Then he stands up and desperately starts howling. I notice that the dogs next door are also barking more than usual. I get up and go down the hall and I see this mexican coming in my back door. I see him, he sees me and he bolts. He jumps the porch, then jumps the fence, then runs down to the road where he just walks non-chantantly like he owns the neighborhood.

While this is going on I’m waking Brendan up and I’m dialing the Kennesaw Police Department. They got here in a matter of minutes. At first the cop just wanted to know which way they went and he went walking through the woods toward the area I pointed him to. He came back and pulled back up in front of my house and behind him came 3 other police cars. He told me he was sure glad I called because a house was robbed in the neighborhood right behind me which fit the description of one of the guys I told him about. While all this is going on I’m standing at the very top of our driveway. A lady cop gets out of her car and comes up and says they had caught two males and they needed me to ID them. They pulled each one out of the car and stood them up in front of the police cruiser and right away I knew that was the guy that was in my house. When they pulled the other guy out, I told them that it looked like his hair, but he was wearing white before. When he was standing there he had a green shirt on. They pulled a white jacket out of the cruiser and I told them that was definitely the other guy. As I ID’d each guy they put them in handcuffs and read them their rights.

Brendan and I both had to write out a witness statement about the encounter. We learned that one of the robbers was armed. SCARY! That picture I took was the 4 police cruisers out in front of the house. The two back ones each had one of the robbers in it. The police came in and petted Jonah and told him what a good boy he was. If it wasn’t for him howling in a de-stressed way that I wouldn’t have caught him just walking in. He probably would have had his pockets full or hurt either Brendan or myself. I caught him when he had two feet in the back door leaving the back door open. Ugh, scary!

When the police left all my neighbors had a little get together in the middle of the cul-te-sac to talk about what happened. All of us admitted that we leave our back doors open mostly all the time due to this being such a safe and quiet neighborhood. I also found out that Brendan and I are the only ones that don’t down a gun. I told them if I ever needed one, I knew where to go. Not sure about having one in the house yet. Still undecided about that.

I’m wiped out after being outside for so long without my oxygen and really short of breath. Stupid lungs. These are desperate times and I’m sure lots of safe neighborhoods are going to see this sort of thing. It’s sad, but I guess we gotta do what we gotta do. I’m definitely making sure all doors are locked at all times from now on. This is my house dammit, and I’m not about ready to let them make me feel unsafe in my own house.

My dear sweet MIL (Mother-in-law) usually sends me very insightful emails. Among them are Insights from the Dalai Lama. Every day it seems to be exactly what I needed to hear. So, my dearest MIL, thank you for sharing such wisdom.

Insight from the Dalai Lama

“What irritates us in the first place is that our wishes are not fulfilled. But remaining upset does nothing to help fulfill those wishes. So we neither fulfill our wishes nor regain our cheerfulness. This disconcerted state, from which anger can grown, is most dangerous. We should never try to let our happy frame of mind be disturbed. Whether we are suffering at present or have suffered in the past, there is no reason to be unhappy.”

That’s the mode I’m in. I’ve been asleep more than I have been awake in the past 24 hours and I’m ready for sleep again, already. My energy is extremely low because I haven’t been eating properly. I’m craving red velvet cake for some reason, but I managed to keep down some yogurt.

It’s been a very emotional day, especially between my Mother and I. She’s trying to help and as much as I know this it’s been hard.

I even had a talk with my Aunt Donna today on the phone and she said something to me that she’s never done in my life. She said I need to get over my anger. She told me to write down everything that was making me angry, put it in box and keep it there and “GET OVER IT!!!!!!!!!”. My Aunt Donna suffers from Fibromyalgia too which make the whole conversation surprising. So I did that. I wrote down everything that I was angry at, and I put it in a box and I put that box up on the shelf. It actually helped. Then came the tears, the “I’m sorry” and I accepted how rotten I’ve been over the last few days. All the grieving and mourning I haven’t done is on hold and put aside. I finally found my phones that were safely tucked away in my purse and I heard from my Uncle Joe and Aunt Martha. There is something about their words, and them calling that tears me to pieces because I love them so much and for so many years I thought they stopped caring.

Fact is, I’m not getting better. I’m still hacking up green phlegm but not as much as before. Its like it’s getting better and breaking up but it’s going deeper into my lungs. I’m going to bed here shortly so we’ll see how I am tomorrow. I still need to order my prescriptions and pick those up tomorrow but I’ve been asleep all day and I’m tired of Mark invading my dreams.

I’m extremely scared for my job. What if they don’t take me back? What if … what if …

I found something I wanted to share again because my guild master had asked for it. It will be under the read more part so this entry doesn’t take up a million pages.

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