.:: Yolospat ::.

Sorry for all that have called in the last 3-4 days. I’ve been bed bound with pain.

Saw the doctor again today and I’ve been put on a Fentanyl Transdermal System (morphine patch) along with more pain meds and countless other meds. I’m so tired of meds. I’m also being tested for Lime Disease, Ebson-Bar, Celeac, and I forget what else. I haven’t been to work all week and called my boss today to let him know what’s up. He said he’s been worried and he’s going to try and get most of my hours on call because I’m the only one he trusts (beside himself) for priority 1 & 2 issues. I told him I have to come in at least 3 times a week because I need to get out of the house for my own sanity, he said he understood. I’m finally feeling better tonight.

Things the last few days have been complete hell. I’ve never felt so much pain before.

:: cries ::

Have you ever had a great idea that you are excited about, or you come to some sort of decision or idea only to forget it later, lost forever in the grey matter sitting on top of your shoulders? One of my major goals in life lately is to reduce as much stress as I possibly can right now. Not only am I don’t it for health reasons but I’m trying to get everything (GTD, tasks, projects, ideas, lists, insert other things I’m forgetting) in some sort of organized fashion.

So, I’m taking one of XV’s idea’s and applying it to my everyday life. I have myself a notebook (my favorite one) where I can purge my brain. So far it’s working out incredibly well. I had a big homework assignment due tonight and I didn’t have the bottleneck anxieties infect my ability to concentrate and write code.

I just need to keep it up and not quick since it’s so easy to blame procrastination on lack of time. Lack of time is a huge reality for me but maybe if I can get a handle on my time management I can reduce the stress of it.

I started writing again. Most won’t understand that statement. Very few will find the significance and see it as comparable to someone who scaled a mile high brick wall.

I held your hand so many years
And my heart screams the absence
The confusion blocked by crimson hatred
Echo of my cries return the monster inside

I ride this denial like it doesn’t hurt
My angst hidden behind the curtain
I shove my hand in boiling water
Expose my flesh hide my heart

My eyes speak chaotic disarray
In your direction running the
Opposite course of your soul
Played like a board game kept in the closet

I’ll never forget, I’ll always miss
My past holds on speaking over you voice
Not giving you the chance
To slam the door as you walk away.

I’m having a really rough week. I couldn’t even go to work yesterday because everything hurt so bad I didn’t even want to get out of bed. Then today, due to the heavy rains I slipped and fell at work. Slipping and falling isn’t such a big deal for most people, but when you have Fibromyalgia it’s a snowball rolling downhill getting bigger and bigger. My knee is all bruised up and hurt for a little while. A few hours lately my whole leg started throbbing and burning with pain. Add that to the upperback/neck flare that I’ve had for the last week and a half. It doesn’t matter how many pain pills I take, the pain .. just .. never .. goes .. away.

I want to throw myself down and kick and scream and pound my fists into the ground in a full out tantrum, just as some sort of distraction from the pain if only for a few seconds. I get so discouraged and isolated with it. Even more, I’m angry at it.

I’m angry that I can’t be fixed, like you can fix a broken arm, or a headache. I’ve also come to hate the word “chronic” … I don’t want to be associated with that, I don’t want to live on the same planet as that but weeks like the one I’ve had, reminds me that I can’t get away.

Each week when I go in for treatment I talk to the ladies who are also getting IV therapy and we all tell our story. It’s almost like a support group while being pumped full of medicine. Some of these woman (and the occasional man) have amazing stories, and some of them are stories filled with sorrow.

One girl in particular who is around my age said that she lost all her friends, due to the mood swings, the constant fatigue, being hyper sensitive both emotionally and physically. She said the only ones that supported her before and after diagnosis was her parents and her husband. An older lady had the same type of story because her friends thought she didn’t want to do anything socially because she was being a snob, when in reality, she was bedridden and barely making it through each day. Then she started tearing up, saying she missed her friends so much. Naturally, if one woman in a room of women is crying, she was handed 3 boxes of kleenex and several hugs (as we tried not to get tangled in each others IV lines hooked to our arms.

I guess I’ve been lucky in the fact that I only lost one. Everyone in my life a few years short of a decade have stuck around and road the roller-coaster with me and it’s been one bumpy ride.

What gives me hope are the ladies that come walking into the treatment room with energy and light and you can see in their face they feel good. They always tell me the same thing. Hang in there, follow your doctors directions, take your medicine and supplements, and keep it up. It’s not an instant cure. There isn’t a cure. But there is such thing as living a healthy, energetic life with managed pain. These women have been going through this treatment plain with Dr. C for 8 months to 2 years. So, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I just need a bigger basket of patients.

I’m still recovering from feeling like dog shit at the end of last week and over the weekend. Health complications, as usual.

I’m bombarded with make up assignments in school after missing the last few assignments in my Java class and with my nose to the grind I’m trying to get those completed both tonight and tomorrow before I have another class that begins. Ugh. I’m also on call for work somewhere this week. I also haven’t made an appointment for my treatment day. Ugh. So much to do, so little resources.

Now to get started hoping that there isn’t an emergency at work …

It was odd today, being in the house all by myself. It was Brendan’s first day of orientation. He got to learn all about Publix and was forced to be social. Due to his painfully shy nature, I think it was good for him and gave him a bit of confidence. Shhhhh, don’t tell him.

So what did I do while I had the house to myself? Well, nothing that I wouldn’t usually do. I read my RSS feeds, I watched the Olympics, I played WoW, and remembered to take all my meds. I didn’t have a bubble bath surrounded by candles, I didn’t run around the house naked, I didn’t do anything other than the usual. It was still nice
I got a memory foam mattress topper for my bed. Its like soft quicksand when you lay down. Boy was it nice. I slept the entire night without waking up once.

I better to pay attention to Karazhan …

I’m a bit pissed of at WoW tonight. This is the second time I’m getting caught up in this mess. I level a character with others saying “yes yes we’ll play together, blah blah” and “why aren’t you 70 yet” “I can’t wait till your 70″ blah blah … and yet, they don’t help me level, they don’t even play with me (ok, maybe twice, but still)! Classic sucker, that’s what I am. Gah people are so fucking selfish.

I did just pass the 60 level mark with my new alliance priest. I missed healing, I’m a damn good healer, it’s just my character. Mage is too, when I’m in a mage mood.

Getting up early tomorrow to see Brendan off to his first day of orientation for his new job. Just weird. I’m going to have 6+ hours all to myself. For the first time we’re going to be car swapping. Having one car all the sudden, sucks. With gas prices, what’s the point of two cars? I could totally see myself on one of those little scooters. My husband and my Mother already said, no. Damn.

I’m downloading LOTR Online, on Crossover Games. I have a level 8 Lore-Master who throws ashes from her pocket. It kicks ass.

It’s amazing what going home can do after a horrible day at work. Just being “home” .. I still will never understand how I happen to find this house but every single day I turn that corner and see this forest with beautiful huge trees and this warm “your home now” house hiding under the greenery. I still haven’t found quite a lovely looking property. The dance of the millions of fireflies in the back yard when the sun disappears and the stars twinkle is truly surreal. I want to try and capture this beauty sometime on film, but I’m still fumbling with thoughts on how to do this with the camera’s I have, and not dishing out several grand for a professional type device.

Speaking of lovely things. My nieces.

My little (not so little anymore) Sharon and Savannah (I’m positive she gets her green eyes and tint of red hair from me, hehe) I love those girls. I need to get back out to Texas sometime soon and spoil the heck out of em. Yes yes, I know sissy, sooner than later, right?

It’s been a pretty busy and hectic week. I feel like I’m panting in exhaustion just thinking about the range of emotions that spun about.

The first incoming news on Monday was incredible news to say the least. My husband has finally found a job at Publix. When he called me at work I nearly jumped off my chair with excitement. I went in with him after work to take his drug test and all that stuff. One of the managers I met there was really nice, except she talked really really fast. I wanted to tell her to take a breath. By the time she was doing saying whatever it was she was saying she was almost gasping for air. It made me giggle inside.

So with exciting good news, came my IV treatment on Wednesday. They couldn’t find my vein in my right arm and after 2 sticks and a lot of digging around for a vein UNDER my skin did the nurse try for my left are. Two more sticks, a lot of digging and eventual infusion (where the medicine goes under your skin instead of in your vein) did she bypass trying again and finally got a vein in my hand that didn’t try dodging away. Sure is a good thing I’m not scared of needles.

Usually when I go through treatment the first IV bag of medicine is always the worst. It makes me feel sooo ill. I sit there and squirm while I’m having cold sweats wishing the hour it takes for the medicine to get into me would hurry along. The second IV bag is cake. No pain associated with that one. Its like the cool down from a vigorous work out. The ill feeling always seems to come back in an hour or two tho, and last throughout the day. Only 10 more courses of treatment left. Sigh.

Starting next week I’m going to have to give myself my own shots, 1-2 times a week. Like I said before. Good thing I’m not scared of needles.

Sad news came yesterday, when my Mother and I sold “The Farm” .. the place I grew up. Where the memories of my Father still remain locked in my head. It was very emotional for me. I cried off and on at work even, trying to dab the tears from my eyes at work so no one would see. That’s the last piece of my childhood left that I was holding onto. It’s for the better, especially financially, but it still stings.

So today marks Friday, and I’m glad to have the next two days off. I’m exhausted, and in a bit more pain today than yesterday. I just want to go home.

“The future doesn’t lie ahead of you, waiting to happen…it lies deep inside of you, waiting to be discovered.”

I’m one of those poeple that has a TV on in my office even if I’m not watching it. It’s more for background noise, white noise, whatever you call it. Well, one station I usually keep it on is crime TV since it’s a lot of talking and sometimes they have interesting things on. So cops was playing tonight and they had a special Cops episode called “Party Girls”.

When I hear “Party Girls” I think of some sorority girl from a rich family in Cancun drinking like a fish while hanging all over every guy she walks up to pulling up her shirt and flashing every camera she sees. That’s not what this espisode of Cops is about. It’s about girls out on the street prostituting.

I feel sorry for some of those girls. There is one single reason why any of those girls are there, and that is a bad situation. Their home life was shitty, they get kicked out of the house at a young age, they get addicted to drugs to hide and numb their pain, or they have other emotional problems. Whichever the case, I bet if you asked any one of girls if they are where they want to be, they would say no. No one wants to grow up to be a prostitute. No one wants that life style. When I think of party girl, I think of a irresponsible college teenager having fun. I don’t think of a girl giving away the very being of herself to strangers, who’s so miserable on the inside she convinced herself it will be ok.

Sad. What’s equally as sad is the sorority girl will never have empathy because she has that silver spoon in her mouth to keep her from crying, otherwise known as Daddy’s wallet. I don’t know which is worse.

The pains that have been torturing my body for the last few weeks, decided they were at a rock concert in a mosh pit. My feet started swelling up the day before yesterday. I couldn’t sleep, I haven’t had an appetite. Last night, while I was soaking my feet in the tub for some temporary relief I noticed that my toes, weren’t anything like I had ever seen them before. They were completely blue. I take a picture of them (I take pictures of everything, duh) and send the picture to my Mom. She in turn sends it to my Aunt Donna who shows my Uncle Don (the doctor).

Ohhhh boy. I knew something was bad when it was 11:30 at night and my iPhone started ringing off the hook. It’s a well known fact that my Mother is horrible at telling me bad news. My Aunt Donna has had “The-One-Who-Tells-Jen-Bad-News” title for about 15 years now, so I automatically assume if she calls me (especially late at night) that it’s not good. I couldn’t bring myself to answer the phone. My Aunt Donna knows this well too. It’s my way of sliding “into” the news. This is my Aunt Donna’s trick. She will leave me a message, and she will tell me right off the bat that she misses me and loves me. Then she doesn’t tell me anything about what the bad news is, except that I need to call her right away because she needs to talk to me and she, Uncle Don and my Mother weren’t going to sleep until I did, and it was very important. Then she ends it with she loves me again. She’s so good at this, and she’s also so brave at being “The-One-Who-Tells-Jen-Bad-News”. Believe me, no one wants that role. No one.

So, I get myself a glass of milk and waddle (I have to walk on the heels of my feet because of how swollen my feet and ankles were) out to the back porch and touch the Call Back button. I sit and listen. She’s very good at explaining things without actually telling me the bloody details while giving special care on the urgency of the matter. Then Uncle (Dr) Don gets on the phone. He sucks at telling me bad news, but he usually doesn’t get on the phone. My Aunt Donna quickly takes the phone back and I had agreed to go to the ER by the time I had hung up the phone, but ONLY until I took a shower first. Aunt Donna said it was fine, but to please try not to doddle (I learned the word doddle from her, I love that word).

Shortly after that, somewhere in between calling my Mother, taking a shower and doddling, my brain sort of unplugged itself. That’s the best way I can describe it since the next 1.5 hours are really fuzzy in my head. I could hear what Brendan and my Mother were saying to me, but I couldn’t match up the words. I was confused, and nothing made sense. It’s like everyone started talking in tongues. Brendan tells me that while I was in the shower I asked him what I was doing. My Mother called while we were in the car on the way to the hospital and she kept asking me how far from the hospital I was. I just couldn’t understand the how far part, like my brain was skipping like a scratched record. I had to keep asking Brendan for help. When I got to the hospital I couldn’t tell them my birthdate, except that I wasn’t 30 yet. I just couldn’t figure out anything past that. When the nurse asked me what year it was, I said that I knew it wasn’t 2006, but I couldn’t give her the year. I guess I did know that Bush was president tho, altho Clinton was at the tip of my tongue. I felt so, dumb. My brain, got stuck, and after the nurse asked me more questions I couldn’t answer I just started crying. I mean, I know I should have known that stuff, but … my brain was just stuck. I knew enough to know that wasn’t right or normal. That’s when I got scared. Something, in me, broke. Something just wasn’t right, something was really wrong.

For the next 6 hours on an EKG I had three IV’s stuck in me and I was just staring at the heart meter, watching my pulse and pulse oxygen level. Just watching. And then my brain turned back on. It went from pause to play again. Ironically during the foggy time, I don’t remember as much pain. I just felt like my toe was dead. When my brain turned back on, pain from all over my body throbbed. Blood test after blood test were taken. When one blood test came back as being fine, another one was ordered up. At around 6 or 7 AM the doctor came in the room (he had only been by for about 25 seconds previously just to ask what was going on) he said that they couldn’t find anything wrong and they were going to send me home with water pills to help drain the swelling, and to follow up with my primary care physician.

Just like that. Not only was I more swollen (my hand was starting to swell at that point), but I was mad, stressed, frustrated at being dismissed when nothing had really changed (besides my brain going from the off to the on switch). Everything my Aunt Donna told me she was scared of happening, happened in regards to how the doctor was going to dismiss it and to be persistant). I again asked him how this had happened before in 2002 and how I’ve felt so horrible the last few weeks, and how my tests always come back showing good stats, but obviously there was something really wrong. He said to see my primary care doc and elivate my feet in the meantime. Here is what just one of my feet looked like. I thought if I went to sleep, I’d wake up and my toes would dead.

I won’t go into a tangent about how I hate healthcare in this country. If no one has seen the movie “sicko” then see it, please. It’s such bullshit. Brains don’t just “turn off” and body limbs don’t swell up to the point of cutting circulation randomly or by a fluke like travel or such. It just doesn’t happen.

So, me and my balloon feet are going to see my primary care doc and go through the whole thing again, with a new set of bloodwork and repeating events of the last few weeks. And I’m scared. I’m scared that they still won’t find anything and I’ll still go on with all this for the rest of my life wishing for one day, I could get through the day, without pain. I just want to feel good.

Lots of stuff has been happening recently, most of it being on the emotional spectrum. When it comes to loss and grief I’ve had more than my fair share in my 29 years of life. It’s the first emotion I can remember feeling when I was very young and I know my experience with losing someone, a loved one will only continue and the time between tears will steadily increase instead of decline. That’s just life, that’s apart of life. It’s the part of life that never gets easier .. but it’s not supposed to.

Over the past 10 years I’ve been hit left and right with grief. I’m the type of person that takes such emotions and stuffs them away much like a disobedient child shoving his clothes under the bed when he was supposed to have his room cleaned hours ago. When my Father passed very suddenly in 1999 the shock of it was quickly followed up with denial. I’m fairly certain I could resemble a walking zombie during that time, but I distinctly remember repeating to myself “this isn’t happening, this isn’t happening, I can’t be the kid that losses her Daddy, this can’t be happening to me”. A quick look on Wikipedia I found this about the denial process:

“Feelings of unreality, depersonalization, withdrawal, and an anesthetizing of affect. The person feels unable to come to terms with what just occurred.”

Around the year anniversary of his death the anger and rebellion set in. The denial wasn’t over by any means, it was just being ignored as I acted out against life for being so unfair. I remained stuck in that stage for 3 years living in the vortex of chaos and unhealthy relationships. Wikipedia has information about the “Volatile Reactions” would should also be called the spiraling downhill out of control stage.

“Whenever one’s identity and social order face the possibility of destruction, there is a natural tendency to feel angry, frustrated, helpless and/or hurt. The volatile reactions of terror, hatred, resentment, and jealousy are often experienced as emotional manifestations of these feelings.”

When I look back at it now I see loss and grief not only in the time of death, but when there is loss of a friendship, a dream, the sense of safety, and of possessions. Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss. The emotional effect is the same (though loss in the case of death, especially sudden and unexpected highens the intensity of the grieving process) and the same steps of the naturally occuring grieving process is triggered.

I will be the first to admit that I don’t handle loss and grief well at all. I’m still dealing with losses from 10 years ago, trying to bring that process full circle. It’s also made me a better person. I never got to tell my Father goodbye. We hadn’t spoken to each other in a week due to a silly fight. Since that time my Mother and I never end a phone conversation or an email without telling each other “I love you!”

The losses that I’ve had along the way that weren’t a result of death have been forefront in my mind. Maybe I’m making up for the rotten last words I ever spoke to my Father, but I’m determined not to leave a situation in hurt and anger. The only thing I can control is myself and that has been pushing me to patch up those losses while I can, even if it’s to properly say goodbye.

I wanted to make a video demonstrating this emotion because I always have a hard time putting these emotions into words. Rather, I can visualize the emotion in my mind. This video is symbolic to the trials of Loss and Grief. It’s called “Love and Loss” ..

Forgiveness means forgiveness. Not bringing up the past and not letting the past be just what it is, the past. Forgiveness means going from the present time forward. That’s forgiveness.

For anyone out there, remember this when telling someone you’re sorry. Please, for yourself and for them, mean it. Don’t just say it.

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” Lewis B. Smedes

“Sincere forgiveness isn’t colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don’t worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.” Sara Paddison

Today would have been my Father’s birthday. It’s feels surreal he’s been gone for 9 years now.

Happy Birthday Dad ..

It’s truly amazing to me how people can sit around and let their brain rot. It’s equally confusing when I hear people say they are bored. It makes me sad when the very core of creativity dries up in a person turning the very shell of their existence to a dependent dull boring, nothing. And the kicker is … these people seem to accept that it’s who they are completely forgetting they at one time in their lives they showed true potential by independently thinking, creating, experiencing.

Throughout my life I keep seeing this phenomena over and over and I’m equally shocked each and every time. Mindless activity is a nice relaxing vacation every once in a while but permanent mindlessness should be a fucking sin. A quote from the 40 year old virgin, “Is it true that if you don’t use it, you lose it?” reminds me of this. When one stops exercising that gray matter it just might not come back to its full potential.

Don’t get caught up in settling for anything less than creating, learning and experiencing every part of this short span of time they call life. Don’t become the dependent simpleton who’s light bulb is so dim the light doesn’t reach your feet. Keep that mind constantly full of knowledge, keep that bulb burning bright and strong so you can always clearly see your path. Don’t waste energy on over-analyzing every single fucking situation. Take what you need from it, leave the rest, and LEARN from it. Turn off that TV, turn off the computer, go outside, take pictures, read a book, talk to a total stranger and listen to the story of their life. Everything is as interesting and wonderful as you make it.

The sun is only as bright and beautiful as you allow it to be…

I recently moved my site to This* (one of my sites, this one will be going shortly) and I know I’ve written about them before but I have to write about them again, because they impressed me with personal touch.

I got an email from Jules, the Technical Director who was proactive and manually moved my site without waiting to hear back from me.

Hi Jenny,

As a new client of ours and having been with us for a couple of weeks now, I’m just e-mailing to check up on the service you’ve received so far. How has everything been? Do you have any comments, suggestions or other feedback for us that may help us improve the service for yourself and others in the future? Any and all comments are welcome so feel free to speak your mind!

–
Best Wishes,
Jules Robinson - this* Technical Director

I emailed Jules back quite the book.

Hello Jules!

Let me start out as saying I have never been treated by any company as I have been treated by ThisWebHost. My jaw is still dropped to the ground thinking back through the few weeks of my new membership with you.

I give you, and This* a standing ovation :: stands up and claps ::

The extremely quick set up was completed 45 seconds after I hit the “sign up” button. I was extremely busy at work that day and I didn’t get back to you about moving my site, yet you were proactive and completed it for me before I had a chance to check my email (and I know full well that it’s NOT part of the hosting plan to manually move sites, it’s only part of the plan to move sites that had certain cPanel services). My site has been blazing fast, and you guys are AWESOME.

I’m a software engineer and I’ve been in the “business” for 10 years now and I have never seen IT folk so personable, friendly, and helpful. You work for an extremely wonderful company and I hope to find a company with as much integrity when I graduate from college.

I’m going to tell a little story that happened to me the same day I signed up with This*. I went to get my hair cut at this new Fantastic Sams close to my work. The gentleman that cut my hair was extremely kind and talkative and we sat there talking 30 minutes after he was done with my hair. It wasn’t but 2 days later I get a card in the mail from him to say thank you for the conversation and he hoped I had a good time with my family who was coming into town. It wasn’t one of those thank you notes that was pre-printed. He took the time and energy to thank ME, when he was the one that cut MY hair. The point I’m trying to make is, This* did exactly that. You go the extra mile and you truly care about the care of the customer. Consider me your permanent customer, and I’m in the process now of transferring my other two sites over.

Please feel free to forward this to your boss, their boss, and their boss. I want to thank everyone!

Jen

YES! They are really that amazing.

Well, it was sort of made of win. Pepper went to the vets to get his cast off today. After taking xrays his vet decided that his little bone isn’t quite healed good enough and they put another cast back on him for the next 2 or 4 weeks. Poor little guy, I’m sure he’s forgotten he even has 4 legs.

Other than that, it was a great day at work. I’m getting a lot done, and I have some huge projects on my plate for the week which feels great. I also got a raise, and I happen to be one of the two in my department that aren’t … :: cough :: … leaving the company not by their choice soon (if you know what I mean).

So what does that mean? That means I get more money, and they think I’m a smart valuable cookie. That makes me feel good
Got Brendan a new phone today too since he put his through the wash. It’s an LG Shine (black). It’s amazing how phones really haven’t come super far, of course when they aren’t iPhones.
Finals going on today and tomorrow. I haven’t been playing WoW because of this, and because I have to pull off at least a B in these classes. I miss WoW

When I woke up this morning I saw a card laying on my desk with my name on it. It was from my husband. The inside says ..

You’re a better Mommy than you realize! And someday I hope to make that true. Love, Brendan

I called my Mother today to wish her a happy Mother’s day. She’s really the best Mom ever. I’m sure most people say that about their Mom’s. I didn’t always appreciate her tho. Growing up my Mother and I never really bonded like Mother and Daughter should. This caused my teenage years to be less then enjoyable, more for her than myself. I put her through the ringer and back again (it makes me scared of having my own children). Shortly after my Father died I went spinning into Galaxy and I wasn’t there for her as much as I should have been while she mourned. I was dealing with the pain in a way that hurt us both. Eventually I pulled my head out of my butt enough when I decided to move clear across the country. Something happened I never knew was possible. My Mother and I, although we were thousands of miles away, bonded.

At this present day my Mother and I are not only family, but we’re also the best of friends. I’ve had to be there for her through breaking up with her first and only boyfriend (at least since my Father passed) and she’s had to be there for me through the easy and hard times of my marriage. She’s recently retired which brings to light how much both her and I have gotten older.

My Mother now has time to come to Georgia for more frequent visits. She often leaves her items here so she doesn’t have to haul so much. There is one closet in the spare bedroom that spells exactly like her. I don’t let my husband open it too much so the times I really miss her I can go to that closet and breath her comfort. Weird? Maybe. But it makes me smile just thinking about it.

So happy Mother’s Day Mom, I love you so much!

There’s nothing like the fresh air of my Mother’s presence. Mom and Grandma Reba got in Saturday and after sitting in downtown rush hour traffic for 2 hours we were finally home. They still look the same, thank goodness. It always makes me sad when I don’t see someone for a while and the next time I see them they look older or more run down. Run down, such a phrase I’m using a lot lately.

Anyway, my spirits have been refilled and I’m basking in my Mother’s glow. I’ve also noticed that I’m extremely tired ever since they have gotten here which isn’t a bad thing. I’ve not been sleeping good lately due to stress, so my stress meter is obviously lowered because sleep is coming to me very easily.

They got a rental car today and they are driving up to Blairsville which is north of where I live to visit more family. My Grandmother is from Georgia so she has family that’s always been here. Mom is coming back later in the week to spend more time with me. Oh I love my Mother. She always makes things fun and exciting and she always makes me feel good about any given situation at any time.

Yesterday we went for a drive to the old copper furnace so they could see the countryside and area. I feel asleep in the car on the way home, and for me that’s nearly unheard of.

Mom always reminds me of the obvious. People are selfish and they take advantage of those who help. Don’t harden your heart. Just know you helped and move on to a place you’re appreciated again.

:: breaths in … breaths out ::

Thanks Mom. You are the best.

One of the talents I greatly lack is my ability to deal with stress. Pepper went back to the vets today because he managed to wiggle out of his cast. It was really do to him walking around and trying to jump up on things. It’s extremely difficult to keep a 3 month old kitten in one place let alone keeping him calm. All the movement was jarring the cast loose till it practically slipped off.

To the sound of $250 later (they had to give him anesthesia to re-cast) a very groggy Pepper came home. The vet said that Pepper needs to remain confined in a kennel and have as little movement as possible. So he’s in Jonah’s dog crate right now with the cone collar (so he doesn’t chew on the cast) crying his head off. Each time he cries my heart breaks because I want to scoop him up and cuddle him but I know this is best for him. My heart and logic don’t always speak the same language.

Between the constant crying, having less than 5 hours to get my 10 page report done for class, and trying to hold it together my stress level is skyrocketing. I think if I get one more punch in the gut or anything of the like I’m liable to exploded into a million tiny pieces.

It’s just perfect outside right now. A nice warm temp of 75 with a slight breeze. There isn’t a cloud in the sky and all the tree’s continue to blossom gorgeous white, pink and red flowers. It’s not too humid and at the same time not too dry. I’ve not even lived here a year yet but I have to admit that the best seasons, spring and fall, last and last. From growing up in Colorado springtime usually lasts a week or so until the dry beating sun punches you in the back of the head for 2-3 grueling months. Then it’s fall for maybe a week and the rest of the time the cold goes so deep into your bones that you never get warm.

That doesn’t happen in Georgia. Everything is rich and green and lush with so many different kinds of tree’s and flowers grow out of the soil without having to be replanted and landscapes come alive with no human effort. The foliage around my house reminds me of the secret garden where you can get lost in a magical dream. It’s the first time seeing a Georgia spring and I hope it lasts forever.

I think Pepper is finally on the mend. His accident couldn’t have happened at a worse time with made my stress bubble explode in a million pieces. He’s hobbling pretty good now like he’s had a huge cast on his leg forever. Of course that isn’t going to stop a 3 week kitten. I’m still very protective of him because it killed me to see his tiny broken leg and the pain he went through. His limitations have brought out the cuddle bug in him and it makes my heart melt. When I get home he will hobble over to me and I’ll pick him up and his purring motor will start going full volume as he licks my nose with his sand paper tongue. It’s amazing how fast one gets attached. I’m especially bad. More pictures and video to come since I’m learning Final Cut Studio 2 (you know, when I’m supposed to be sleeping in my many many hours of spare time.

My Mother and Grandmother are flying from Colorado on Saturday to spend time with us! I’m so excited. I miss my Mom so much and I haven’t seen my Grandmother in about 4 years. Mom just retired so she finally has some free time. I can’t wait for her to see a Kennesaw Spring.

There’s more, but it’s nearly time to go home …

I think I’ve known this for a long long time, but today it’s been present in every way possible. I’m ready for a career change. No no, I’m still a geek and the computer industry will always be my passion. I’ve been doing tech support since 1998 and at this point in the game, I’m completely burnt out. It’s just not what I want to be doing. My focus in IT has always been development and programming and with school I’m making the necessary steps to get to that point but more then ever I want to find an entry-level position in that field. Something to get my foot in the door, and eventually my life long dream of being a Software Engineer at Google.

So, I’m going to start looking for something. The tricky part is the time in between paychecks that might be hard, but at the same time, we just got our tax money back and we threw that into savings and paid off our credit card.

Baby steps are always hard for me. I always want every thing to happen fast but like anything big, it’s a slow process especially to work toward the end goal.

I have the next week off from school which is a nice change but I’ve been filling up my extra time with WoW which might not be the best idea.

I was going to have a BBQ this Friday with all the people from work, but I’m starting to second guess that and since I haven’t advertised it I might just forget it all together. I overheard a work friend today putting tech support down and it just put a bad taste in my mouth since he’s been a friend for years. In fact, I’m the one that trained him when he first came to the company. I guess you can’t always trust every one.

This has been a rather easy quarter for me. I have one class to worry about and it’s a lame spreadsheets class that doesn’t take much effort or thought on my part. Next quarter is going to be different and my time will be reduced to even less then I have now. So I’m preparing for the one that will take most of my time.

I have Systems Administration and Java. I’m Java challenged right now. I started taking these classes in January but due to illness and my arm injury I dropped both of these classes to try and mend myself. I’ve always had this love/hate relationship with Java. I love when it works, I hate when it doesn’t. My determination to make it work is out-weighing my procrastination to say “screw it” because the fact is, I WANT to “get it” and learn it and manipulate it like clay. So I’m currently going through one of my Java books I had at home to give me a jump start. I’m doing both the Self-Test Questions of every chapter as well as the Programming Exercises. Doing it this way I’m actually learning more of the basic’s then I learned in class last quarter.

This is what I have learned about school. I need to find what works for me, and do it my way. Everyone has a way of learning that works best for them, and I’m just starting on that path of realizing what works best for me.

Time seems to be against me, however. Never enough time.

I have been doing something that I told myself I wouldn’t do. Ignore my blogs and update with some meaningless crap. I need to get a handle on that, because it’s not what I was planning or what I wanted to do.

I was going to use this blog for PPP but I’ve now decided against that. I’m going to use another one of my blogs for that. This started off as my space and that’s how I’m going to make it. My space. Many people know this URL as a place they can go to go get an update on me and my life and I’m sure every one is confused as to what I’ve been spewing out lately.

So, I’m going to make an effort to change all that around. And that’s going to start now. I gotta get a handle on the purpose of my blogs and the purpose on this one I don’t want lost. It’s more work than that. I want all my blog entries all in the same place here. That means, resurrecting my old blog entries that start way back when.

I gotta get it together.

I sent my Mother flowers.

I love technology. What I love more then technology is the creative outlet the tools of technology allow me to have. When I take on a project, like my school wiki for instance, I can tweak and custom fit that piece of technology to suit whatever goal or solution I might be seeking at that time. The best aspect of these projects, is actually learning how things work. Once learned, the sky’s the limit and the creative juices keep flowing to the next project or learning experience I have the privilege of working on.

It’s just exciting stuff, and to do it for a job almost feels like cheating in a way. I mean, who’s supposed to love going to work everyday?

When I ponder my dream of working at Google, this is how I see myself there.

I want my Christmas back. As the previous post displayed, I was sick. I was having some pretty intense abdominal pain that went all the way around to my back, but it was only on the right side. It felt like when I had my gall bladder attach back in 2003, when I got my gall bladder removed.

All sorts of thoughts were running in my head. Could it be my appendices? Did they, by some freak accident botch my previous gall bladder surgery? I called Mom and she told Brendan to take me to the ER, stat!

I ended up going into the hospital Christmas day and being released the morning of the 26th. Turns out, I have a pretty bad kidney infection. I was given fluids and anti-biotics via IV and some pain medication. They sent me home the next morning with 15 days of anti-biotics and some Oxycodone for the pain. The first few days I would only wake up every 6 hours, the pain telling me it was time for another pill. Sitting up for more then an hour or two is still pretty uncomfortable but I am feeling better. The pain went from an 8 to a 6 now, so I think the anti-biotics are finally starting to work.

So that was/is my Christmas break, I feel jipped! I want a re-do!

Along with lazy co-workers (or is it not to bright co-workers?) I’ve had to deal with some passive/aggressive behaviors from some friends. You know, the I-miss-you-don’t-speak-to-me passive/aggressive behavior. To be honest, I don’t bite or react to that type of behavior anymore, especially when it’s become so common place lately. It’s not that I don’t care, or that I’m being cold or cruel, it’s just that I don’t reward bad behavior. I don’t even allow that type of behavior with my husband, let alone my friends.

I love my friends, and I adore my friends. Not all my friends have it all together, and most days even I don’t have it all together, but it doesn’t mean I don’t adore them any less. Even when they are acting out with such behavior, I adore them all the same, I just don’t participate or enable this type of behavior. Honestly, I just don’t have the energy for the roller-coaster.

So to all my friends, passive/aggressive or not, I wish you a very happy holiday, and a happy new year.