I’ve been gearing up for NaNoWriMo!! NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month where one has to write 50,000 words of their novel from November 1st through November 30’s. This will be my first year doing it. I’m excited. You can follow my progress at My NaNoWriMo page. I’m writing a lot of short stories this month, and practicing on some writing prompts I have been collecting over the last year since I missed it last year.

Speaking of missing NaNoWriMo last year, sigh. This is the month of October and in 4 more days will be the anniversary of the day I got married. It’s almost going to be a year since I’ve seen my husband ex-husband. It doesn’t feel possible, it feels like a decade. And the worst part about it is through all the hustle and bustle of getting packed and moved, we never got to say goodbye to each other. The other worst part is that I don’t know when I will see him again. I miss him more than any word I can think of in the English language. Its emotional agony, only worse. I lost my soul-mate and my best friend all at the same time. Adjusting to being a single female living by myself is an adjustment I keep fighting subconsciously. I feel scared much of the time, especially at nights knowing he’s not here makes everything seem empty, but through my art, writing, reading, crocheting, and now knitting, I’m trying to keep myself as busy as possible. I’m so grateful for our telephone calls nearly every night, and I’m thankful we keep in constant communication and we’ve both grown from this experience, and he will always be my soul-mate no matter what happens in the future. The distance is so hard though, just so hard. When incidents happen like they did with “Lance” a week ago it makes me wish I were still in Georgia.

Jonah is a lot better. His face is healing at a remarkable speed. The scabs are starting to fall off and new skin is fresh and pink underneath. My friend David got a new puppy. A miniature Chihuahua named taco. I was scared at first that taco and Molly would butt heads for dominance but it was amazing how fast she took to him. This is the first time she’s meeting a dog smaller than her, it was so cute. David made a funny joke. He said if Molly and Taco had puppies, they would have tamales. Hehe. Pictures coming soon of Taco. I’m also building a computer for David that he can use now that he’s gone back to school and kicking ass with his grades.

I’ve been using my iPad a lot for writing out my short stories and my writing exercises. For some reason I’ve gotten a talent for tying on it. It actually makes me write even more than I do already. I found a program on the iPad called Manuscript that connects to DropBox so I work on it no matter where I am.

I wanted my marriage to last forever. Doesn’t everyone when they wisk off to their honeymoon? Time changes people, left over baggage changes people. So instead of staying in an unhappy marriage, I got out. I did that to give myself a chance at happiness yet I’m the most depressed I’ve ever been. Maybe until now, until I really thought this through, I did everything possible. I shouldn’t be beating myself up, but patting myself on the back because I wasn’t a perfect wife, but I was a damn good wife.

Everything has to do with attitude. Mine needs a huge overhaul. It would not only help my fibro, but my outlook on life, my future life. I don’t know what it will be like, but focusing on the darkness that may become doesn’t do me any good but will only lead to a self fulfilling prophecy in which my future WILL become that darkness. If I focus on the good things, my writing, my willingness to get better then my future looks a lot brighter than I ever thought it might be.

Only way I know this is I have good friends who have been there every step of the way, like Camille, like Tiffany, and especially my Mother who I know beyond any doubt, loves me unconditionally.

I don’t have to focus on the fact that I’m part of the 50% that failed, but I’m part of the 50% that might have made the right decision so that I can leave room for happiness and joy.

I have a doctors name on a piece of paper sitting here in front of me that has helped so many people I know personally. All I have to do is make the call. I haven’t done that yet because I was stuck focusing on never getting better. I’m going to call this doctor today, and start the journey of getting better because at this point I can’t get much worse. I don’t want to be bedridden next month and that’s where I’m headed. I have to stop this disease in it’s tracks and try to live while I have the ability.

Today, I want to try. I’ll have my days where my goals are fuzzy especially when that day is a bad fibro day, but if I can go back and read this post the haziness might clear a little even if the sun doesn’t shine.

I can do this ..

What I realized today, it’s not getting me anywhere. It’s only making me worse and worse, and in turn it’s making my fibro as bad as it’s ever been. I can blame the -20 to -50 degree weather as of late, but I would be lying if I didn’t say it was my very own attitude thats keeping me in a pit of darkness.

Until this morning. This morning I had a small victory. I haven’t been able to keep down multi-vitamins for years. They come right back up within 30 minutes of taking them. I’ve tried every kind, from regular for men and woman, to woman only and I finally gave up.

Then my Aunt Donna suggested I try the children’s Flintstones Gummy Bear multi-vitamins with immune support and without iron. She told me to take two in the morning with breakfast.

:: drum roll ::

It’s been two hours and I haven’t had any problems at all. I also want to eat the whole bottle. It’s like eating candy for breakfast. Speaking of breakfast, I thought it would make my Mom’s day if I made breakfast in bed for her. She said that was the first time anyone has ever done that. I’m happy she was happy.

So what I have learned in only the first few hours today, a different way of thinking has already brightened my day and make me inspired and motivated. I need to remember to look at the bright side, instead of the doom and gloom. To find that middle balance.

It was about the lack of mens commitment when their wife gets a serious illness. You can find it here.

When I got diagnosed with Fibro a lot of things changed in my marriage, and not for the good. It was around that time Brendan started to distance himself from me. I noticed he would spend more time in the basement, and less quality time with me. On my bad days he would take out his frustrations of my illness on me because he said he didn’t have anyone else to talk to. I noticed that I was walking on egg shells around him more, and his drinking gradually became more frequent.

It got to the point where we were not spending any time together, those egg shells I was walking on became glass, and the drinking had become a nightly occurance.

Toward the end of our marriage, I asked him if we could spend one night a month together. He said it was a lot to ask for and he didn’t know if he could commit to it because of work (he works part-time at Publix)

I guess a person just knows when it’s over and it was that moment I knew I had to get out of that toxic environment, and that my marriage was over.

This has taken more than a toll on me. There were things said tonight that touched the very core of my heart. Not in a good way. It questions my very soul to the post important people in my life. The most important person in my life. I’m not sure what to do, or how to fix it. I thought things were completely opposite than the way they were presented. This goes back decades, even longer. I question who I really am as a person who has too big of a heart and so much love to share and I thought everything was understood and ok, but they aren’t. My very soul is questioned. Love is questioned.

I’ve been doing the right thing ever since 2003 and being the responsible adult doing the right thing, making the right decisions, and loving my friends and family for everything, but .. do they feel it like they deserve? It makes me feel that I’m damaged, that I have been, that it’s permanent. These things I will never forget tho they have been forgiven.

When games over ride a friend in need, where does one go. I don’t know anymore. When there is noting left to say, it’s simple. There is nothing left to say.

I never wanted this divorce. I did everything I could so it wouldn’t come to that, but it has. It’s not only hurting me, it’s hurting my Mom too and I feel that’s somehow my fault. I hate it. I hate all this.

Solution of being a hermit is starting to sound pretty good. I can’t hurt anyone that way. After tonight, I’m at my own breaking point, if it hasn’t happened already. Words are daggers, and they went straight into my soul, and hearts can be repaired. But the soul is a different thing altogether. Souls can just die. If my soul would be a person, it should be in ICU, but there is no such thing. It screams, burden. That’s stamped on my forehead for all to see. It’s what my soul screams and I’m so ashamed. There is no way of coming back from that.

My pulmonary doctor did my allergy test. There were about 80 different things they were testing for. If it wasn’t so ironic and I didn’t already sort of know it anyway, the one and only thing I’m allergic to is my cats, out of 80 different things. That’s good since I’m in allergy america.

I have tell a funny about my husband. They take me out to do a breathing test on one of their machines so as I’m heading back to room 8 where they placed us in the first place I thought I smelled something foul. It got stronger the closer I got to my room and when I walked into my room, BAM.

“Did you fart?
“About a min after you left, you can still smell it?
“You can smell it all the way out in the hall!!!!!!!”

So here I am with two magazines wafting the air, hoping the smell either goes away or just gives up and stops stinking.

I saw my doctor coming so I put away the magazines really fast and sat on the bed. He walks in, looks around and says,

“Um, lets use the room next door, I’ll get one of the nurses to do your allergy test”

My husband cleared a room. With his butt. I was so embarrassed at the time, but the minute I walked out I was laughing. I told him he couldn’t do that and to go to the bathroom next time. He’s the only one I know who can have scentless farts so you never know what your going to get. Not that day. That day, he literally cleared a room.

They did schedule an endoscopy on me for this Thursday to look at the blockage in my airway and take a possible biopsy. They will put me out for a small time and my boss told me if I need to take the day and work from home that would be fine. I told him we’ll see.

Yesterday the majority of us went home because the A/C wasn’t working and it got to be 90 degrees in the office. I was sweating like a whore in church. I hope they have it fixed today.

Not sure why I’m up early but it feels good and I slept in the recliner last night so I don’t have any sort of backache. I give my MRI scans to my pain doc next week. I want to try and scan them all first tho, even if they are a little big. What’s a good stitching program?

When it rains, people here in Georgia people loose their ability to drive. Its like they reverted back to the first time ever got in a vehicle for the first time accidently putting it into reverse and driving through the garage door, as their parent in the passengers seat tries not to blow a gasket knowing it was only a mistake.

You’ll see drivers driving 15 mph and others (usually in trucks) that are going 15-20 miles over the speed limit slowing down only when they start hydroplaning.

The doctors office was right above the Lung Clinic that I go to. We were 15 minutes late due t the weather and the street lights being being down. We also had to wait for a train. I filled out all the necessary paperwork and nearly 2 hours later I actually got to see the doctor.

Even tho my labs showed my thyroid was low she wants me to stay off my thyroid meds. She said I would probably gain all my weight back that I lost and she wants to get a blood test in two weeks. Right there was enough to make me upset. Nothing has worked to help me lose weight except this so I wasn’t thrilled with this idea. I started crying and she turned to my husband and said “since she isn’t comprehending what I’m saying can you write this down” like I wasn’t even sitting there in the same room. I’ve lost so much weight and it feels damn good. When you have 65 pounds less of your body and knees it’s indescribable. Thinking of gaining that back just isn’t remotely ok with me.

After I gained my composer a bit I started asking her the questions I had planned to ask her before I went in. She didn’t answer a single one of them and told me come back in 2 months to do some blood work and see where we were with things.

I think I saw her for about 10 minutes. Maybe 15.

As I passed b the desk to check out I gave them my slip and when the nurse went to schedule my appointment I told her I wasn’t coming back. Once I got home I called my PCP and told his nurse of my experience and they suggested another doctor for me to see.

Its rare to see a doctor with any type of bedside manner anymore (or nurse for that matter, not talking about you Hillary Gayle, your going to be the best nurse ever!)

So, I’m back to being extremely discouraged and frustrated. How much longer can I do this?

Finally, I was able fall asleep and it took a full 24 hours for my health bar to regain its full strength. The bad thing about this is it’s 3:30am so there isn’t much luck going back to sleep after I’ve already woken up. I tried, didn’t work.

I did however take another fall in the bathroom. I think my shoes were still wet from being out on the back porch trying to get my dog to come back inside I landed square on my right knee. For people with Fibro, falling has to be the worst. It’s not just a fall. It’s a total body flare up so not only does my knee hurt but my body feels like its just been through the meat grinder. Ouch.

My plan is to work early and go see my new doctor at 1pm. I hope he helps. I’m really tired of this doctor hopping. Mom keeps telling me there is a doctor out there that will help me and after a year my 8 ball is saying that things are looking grim. I’ll keep trying. What else can I do at that point?

I’m looking forward to the 31 days to a better blog challenge.

THIS SHOULDN’T BE MY LIFE!

But it is. This is how it is day in and day out. The basics of caring for myself have been taken away for me. It makes me angry in so many ways that’s it’s changed who I am. Luckily my husband still loves me and supports me 100%

When I was in the hospital a few weeks ago my Mother was picking up some meds from CVS. My Mother is the type that talks to EVERYONE, god love her. It used to be annoying as a kid because I had ADD so bad I wanted to go go go, not wait until Mom stopped talking to people. Well, this talk she had with this woman at CVS her experience and struggle was shockingly similar to mine. She had gone to all the doctors I had until she found the right doctor to help her. She gave my Mother his name and where he was located so both Mom and I googled him this morning. He sounded wonderful on his web site. There was even a link that said “Update me about your condition” like he really cared how his patients were doing. You could imagine my shock at that. When I called the office I talked to the receptionist. I explained to her about my fibro, arthritis, and hypoxemia and asked her if this doctor had any experience dealing with that. Her answer was “oh yes Ma’am” .. then I asked the hardest question of all. I told her I had really bad luck with doctors just pushing pills at me without actually fixing the underlying issue. She said “he’s not like that. If he can’t fix what is wrong or if you are too severe of a case he will tell you who can”

SOLD!

I’m trying not to keep my hopes up. I’m trying but my hopes are high at this point and I just don’t want there to be any sort of let down. I keep thinking every doctor I see is going to be my miracle and every doctor thus far has been my downfall.

So here’s to new found hope. Oh, I forgot to say, he’s getting me in THIS monday. That’s fast. Wish me luck.