.:: Yolospat ::.

No. I didn’t get fired. I have been in the hospital for the last 4 days however with bronchitis, pneumonia and sever asthma problems due to each. I am on strict home oxygen for a straight month. I am not allowed to return to work until the 13th :: glares at doctors note :: and only THEN will it be decided if I get to return for the remainder of the month while on oxygen.

You know why all this is happening? Because some fuckhead felt like coming to work sick (I know of one of them specifically who had bronchitis and girl, you and me are going to have words because I heard at least 5 people tell you to go home because they didn’t want to get sick) because she didn’t want to lose her job. Not once did she think, oh wait, we have people in the office who are on remission from cancer, or people with auto-immune diseases like Fibromyalgia who are magnets to this shit. That’s not even the bad part. This shit put me in the hospital and she’s sure not paying my hospital bill. I’m fairly certain they will have to put someone in my place temporarily until I get back (as my boss promised if I had to ever take medical leave, which, I guess is a test now because my hands are tired. Completely) So because this bitch didn’t want to lose her job or whatever, I got what she had and I when I was in the ambulance on the way to the hospital overhearing the EMT say “Ah shit, she’s dropped below 70, upgrade this to critical, stay with me now Jenny, come on Jenny, stay with me Jenny .. can you see me … grab my hand Jenny I was remembering her selfish little words. Pffttt, I don’t want to lose job. I was hoping not to die at that point.

So with my permanent lung damage (like I need more) I’m going to have to call up my boss tomorrow and explain to him that, yes I could do the job. I’d be in right this very fucking second doing it if they would make sure that sick people did NOT FUCKING COME TO WORK. Now I have hospitals bills, I’m strapped to oxygen to keep me alive seeing this promotion slip out of my fingers so fucking fast I didn’t even get to taste victory yet. I’m sooooooooo mad. I’m soooooooooooo pisssed. I had zero choice in this. ZERO.

After the 13th, if they let me work from home I could do that but it’s hard to manage a team that you don’t even see every day. One other person’s wrong choice cost me this. I’m not about revenge, I’m not about payback, all that is bullshit. I am about bringing into prospective what people might have missed tho.

Anyway, my doctors card and me. The good news is I lost 3 pounds past my 50 lbs for the first of the year. So, thats 53 pounds in 59 days. There it is, this is almost a death sentence to me. Going to work actually MAKES me feel better so it’s going to be a long 10 days of getting cabin feather. I do have 5 portable tanks with me but just one of those portal tanks only lasts 4 hours. As for the poor me, I’m getting daily nose bleeds from a dry noise.

The only good thing about the whole experience was I got to walk talk and mingle with this harp player who comes and just plays healing music to everyone who wanted to listen. My roommates thought Jerry Springer was more interesting.

I felt better today than I have for a week and a half. I’m in the middle of changing and switching some of my medication around which has resulted in horrible side effects making me feel completely horrible. Hopefully I’m on the up-swing at this point. The next hurdle is meeting my new doctors on the 23rd of this month in which my Mother is flying over for. Now that I know I have Fibromyalgia along with Rheumatoid Arthritis I will be seeing a husband and wife team of Rheumatologists that have experience in both diseases.

I’m really disappointed in my doctor at the Fibro & Fatigue Center. I found out that he read some of my labs wrong (have I mentioned this yet? I don’t remember) and so I’m off most of the medication he had me on. Well, I’m off at least 7/8ths of the medication I was before and I’m already noticing a change and I’m already noticing that I am feeling better. Plus, the nurses at the Fibro & Fatigue center here in Atlanta have been dropping the ball left and right. My doctor wanted to see every 3-4 weeks and he’s booked solid for the next 3 weeks which means I won’t see him for at least 2.5 months which means, I’m going to be running out of medication .. and FAST. Hopefully my new doctors will work out and I can make an easy transition. Oh, and get this. Dr. C at the Fibro & Fatigue Center treats all his patients with the same plan of action so no wonder I wasn’t getting better. I’m just really disappointed in the center when at first it gave me so much hope. Maybe I was grabbing at the last rope I thought was out there, I don’t know. I just have to find what works and I know it’s going to be a frustrating battle and my patience will tested big time, well, sort of like now.

So with everything going on, having some severe medication changes, getting sick, being way over-emotional, fighting with the hubby its affected my performance at work and I only hope that they will find some sort of empathy and be patient with me too. The only thing that hasn’t gone away is the pain, so I’m still dealing with that. It’s hard for people to understand because I look well but everything under my skin, including my digestion issues and IBS is a complete mess. I just need all this to come together, and the sooner the better. Not only for me, work, but for family friends and everyone else that is involved. I’m trying my hardest to hang in there, I really am.

Went to see “Hotel for Dogs” tonight. It was one of those cheesy Disney stories, but it was pretty good. Nice and light and funny. I knew the ending as soon as it began but .. I thought it was pretty good. Good, no, maybe just cute. It was cute.

I gotta go to bed now, I’m tired.

So I’m watching “Trauma: Life in the ER” .. This guy comes in after getting beat up in a bar he frequents often. His face is all bloody, he looks like death warmed up to luke warm. He’s a self admitted raging alcoholic. They call in a social worker and she starts to explain to him about this option of going to a treatment center. Dude starts crying. Social Worker says:

Sir, can you please tell me why you are crying. Sir? SIR? SIR?!?!?

She’s practically yelling at him to give her an answer. I mean, gah. Let the guy cry it off a little. It’s probably not something he’s done for a while, let him accept the fact that he’s all fucked up sitting on a bed in a hospital gown with his bare ass hanging out for passer-by’s to see getting yelled at by a social worker yelling if he wants to go to treatment. Why do you THINK he’s crying lady! Gah!

I went to the Cobb County Toyota Dealership today. Well, I did the right thing and I called first and told them that my car has been dead every morning this week, what should I do? They said:

“Bring it on in now if you can, your under warranty and we’ll just switch out your battery. It probably sat on the lot for too long or something. Should only take around 25 minutes.”

Hey, the dealership is right around the corner from work, sounds great right? I’ll just hurry and go before my meeting in an hour.

So I got it in there and they took it back and told me to sit in the lobby. If I don’t have a clock visible I tend to loose track of it, but I did win 4 games of sudoku. I look at my phone and an hour had past. My meeting had started. I was still sitting in the bloody lobby at the Toyota Dealership! I go to the front desk and ask them, where is my car? Lady can’t find any information about my car. She’s walking to the back and she tells me that they are checking my breaks right now. I’m looking at her puzzled and I walk back to where they are fixing all the Toyota’s and saw mine all the way in the back with the wheels off, the doors off, way up high on those .. those .. you know, LIFTER THINGS and I see a tech come around the corner. I asked him what the hell he was doing with my car all taken apart??? This was supposed to be a 25 minute battery change. Ummm .. ummmmm. Some old guy comes around the corner, tells me they will get it put back together and put me on my way. On my way was an hour ago at this point. I had already been at the dealership for an hour and a half. I walk back to the lobby in tears, thinking the worst about this meeting I’m supposed to be at, my actual job since I told everyone I’d be back in 30 minutes, and my car was in a million pieces. Ugh. In another 15 minutes they had my car out to me. How many screws and bolts did they forgot to put on getting it together so fast? When I opened my door the first thing was the panels on the drivers side were all hanging down and the panel on the bottom was completely gone. There was a nice greasy black stain right on the passengers seat. Still in tears the guy that drove my car out said:

Um, well, we don’t have clips to fix that so you’ll have to come back. I’m not sure about your battery …

Fine, Fine. Give me my brand fucking new car where the inside is in pieces and the seat looks like something my Dad would have done before taking his shower after being in the shop all day.

I had to call the cops on my neighbors again due the blaring bass music vibrating my house.

My narcolepsy is getting worse. At work if I’m in the middle of working on a document I just wake up with my finger hitting on some key filling up the page. Often times I have to us only one eye to take away the double vision. The new med they want to try on me can’t be given through the pharmacist or the hospitals, it can only be gotten from the manufacturer itself. (www.xyremcom)

I finally called the FFC center to see what was going on with that. I found out that they hadn’t even faxed over the paper over. This is the second time in as many months they have failed to fax in my meds. It’s rather surprising, because this place has a good reputation. When I told Dr. C about what happened last month he was just so visibility upset about it I thought he was going to spring a leak. I wonder what he’s going say this time and how upset he might be. The strange thing is that the staff at the FFC has been excellent so far, much better than I’ve ever experienced…so where are these problems coming from?

It’s not like I want to get anyone fired. The nurses I do have are great and kind with excellent bedside manner.

But this is my life we’re talking about. I’m falling asleep playing Rock Band with my husband, I’m falling asleep at work. Which is not good when my boss or the bigger bosses walk by. My confusion level during these times make me feel like a doorknob. I randomly fall asleep when I’m concentrating on something pretty hard.

I will call tomorrow anyway to see if that paperwork has been faxed and I’m going to request that my doctor call me when he has a minute.

As for the other Fibromyalgia symptoms, I have to have another sleep study done due to my slight sleep apnea so I get to wear one of those scary masks at night. Oh boy, eh? I wonder if the face thing will amplify my snoring. I feel bad for my hubby. He went to pick up my meds that were due for a refill. I couldn’t do any of this without him.

I’m just so frustrated. I’m using the cane all the time now and I’ve been enquiring about getting a power chair (I first called the Scooter Store place that you see those commercials for but my new insurance doesn’t cover it. What’s next in the whole meds scene? More to add to the arsenal or less to make me less sane.

And where do I go for all these questions? All the support groups I have found are so pessimistic, where are the people with Fibromyalgia and Chronic Fatigue living happy normal lives? Where are their voices? I’ve heard they exist, but where?

If I hear one more person tell me it’s going to be ok. I’m going to eat them for dinner.

There is a new program that is airing on October 1st on the Discovery Health Channel called Autism x6. It’s about this married couple who have 6 kids and all of them have been diagnosed with autism. My husbands little brother is autistic and because of that I’ve been educating myself on autism. My Brother-in-law is 21 years old now and still lives with my Mother-in-law and Father-in-law.

My Mother-in-law and myself have talked a lot about austsm and I’ve seen some other program about how hard it is on the family, and that’s just with one child. This program is about how this Mother and Father have 6 children with autism, some not so severe, some who are really sever.

Anyway, I have it set on my DVR in case my MIL wants to see it.

Sorry for all that have called in the last 3-4 days. I’ve been bed bound with pain.

Saw the doctor again today and I’ve been put on a Fentanyl Transdermal System (morphine patch) along with more pain meds and countless other meds. I’m so tired of meds. I’m also being tested for Lime Disease, Ebson-Bar, Celeac, and I forget what else. I haven’t been to work all week and called my boss today to let him know what’s up. He said he’s been worried and he’s going to try and get most of my hours on call because I’m the only one he trusts (beside himself) for priority 1 & 2 issues. I told him I have to come in at least 3 times a week because I need to get out of the house for my own sanity, he said he understood. I’m finally feeling better tonight.

Things the last few days have been complete hell. I’ve never felt so much pain before.

:: cries ::

Have you ever had a great idea that you are excited about, or you come to some sort of decision or idea only to forget it later, lost forever in the grey matter sitting on top of your shoulders? One of my major goals in life lately is to reduce as much stress as I possibly can right now. Not only am I don’t it for health reasons but I’m trying to get everything (GTD, tasks, projects, ideas, lists, insert other things I’m forgetting) in some sort of organized fashion.

So, I’m taking one of XV’s idea’s and applying it to my everyday life. I have myself a notebook (my favorite one) where I can purge my brain. So far it’s working out incredibly well. I had a big homework assignment due tonight and I didn’t have the bottleneck anxieties infect my ability to concentrate and write code.

I just need to keep it up and not quick since it’s so easy to blame procrastination on lack of time. Lack of time is a huge reality for me but maybe if I can get a handle on my time management I can reduce the stress of it.

I started writing again. Most won’t understand that statement. Very few will find the significance and see it as comparable to someone who scaled a mile high brick wall.

I held your hand so many years
And my heart screams the absence
The confusion blocked by crimson hatred
Echo of my cries return the monster inside

I ride this denial like it doesn’t hurt
My angst hidden behind the curtain
I shove my hand in boiling water
Expose my flesh hide my heart

My eyes speak chaotic disarray
In your direction running the
Opposite course of your soul
Played like a board game kept in the closet

I’ll never forget, I’ll always miss
My past holds on speaking over you voice
Not giving you the chance
To slam the door as you walk away.

I’m having a really rough week. I couldn’t even go to work yesterday because everything hurt so bad I didn’t even want to get out of bed. Then today, due to the heavy rains I slipped and fell at work. Slipping and falling isn’t such a big deal for most people, but when you have Fibromyalgia it’s a snowball rolling downhill getting bigger and bigger. My knee is all bruised up and hurt for a little while. A few hours lately my whole leg started throbbing and burning with pain. Add that to the upperback/neck flare that I’ve had for the last week and a half. It doesn’t matter how many pain pills I take, the pain .. just .. never .. goes .. away.

I want to throw myself down and kick and scream and pound my fists into the ground in a full out tantrum, just as some sort of distraction from the pain if only for a few seconds. I get so discouraged and isolated with it. Even more, I’m angry at it.

I’m angry that I can’t be fixed, like you can fix a broken arm, or a headache. I’ve also come to hate the word “chronic” … I don’t want to be associated with that, I don’t want to live on the same planet as that but weeks like the one I’ve had, reminds me that I can’t get away.

Each week when I go in for treatment I talk to the ladies who are also getting IV therapy and we all tell our story. It’s almost like a support group while being pumped full of medicine. Some of these woman (and the occasional man) have amazing stories, and some of them are stories filled with sorrow.

One girl in particular who is around my age said that she lost all her friends, due to the mood swings, the constant fatigue, being hyper sensitive both emotionally and physically. She said the only ones that supported her before and after diagnosis was her parents and her husband. An older lady had the same type of story because her friends thought she didn’t want to do anything socially because she was being a snob, when in reality, she was bedridden and barely making it through each day. Then she started tearing up, saying she missed her friends so much. Naturally, if one woman in a room of women is crying, she was handed 3 boxes of kleenex and several hugs (as we tried not to get tangled in each others IV lines hooked to our arms.

I guess I’ve been lucky in the fact that I only lost one. Everyone in my life a few years short of a decade have stuck around and road the roller-coaster with me and it’s been one bumpy ride.

What gives me hope are the ladies that come walking into the treatment room with energy and light and you can see in their face they feel good. They always tell me the same thing. Hang in there, follow your doctors directions, take your medicine and supplements, and keep it up. It’s not an instant cure. There isn’t a cure. But there is such thing as living a healthy, energetic life with managed pain. These women have been going through this treatment plain with Dr. C for 8 months to 2 years. So, there is light at the end of the tunnel. I just need a bigger basket of patients.

I’m still recovering from feeling like dog shit at the end of last week and over the weekend. Health complications, as usual.

I’m bombarded with make up assignments in school after missing the last few assignments in my Java class and with my nose to the grind I’m trying to get those completed both tonight and tomorrow before I have another class that begins. Ugh. I’m also on call for work somewhere this week. I also haven’t made an appointment for my treatment day. Ugh. So much to do, so little resources.

Now to get started hoping that there isn’t an emergency at work …

It was odd today, being in the house all by myself. It was Brendan’s first day of orientation. He got to learn all about Publix and was forced to be social. Due to his painfully shy nature, I think it was good for him and gave him a bit of confidence. Shhhhh, don’t tell him.

So what did I do while I had the house to myself? Well, nothing that I wouldn’t usually do. I read my RSS feeds, I watched the Olympics, I played WoW, and remembered to take all my meds. I didn’t have a bubble bath surrounded by candles, I didn’t run around the house naked, I didn’t do anything other than the usual. It was still nice

I got a memory foam mattress topper for my bed. Its like soft quicksand when you lay down. Boy was it nice. I slept the entire night without waking up once.

I better to pay attention to Karazhan …

I’m a bit pissed of at WoW tonight. This is the second time I’m getting caught up in this mess. I level a character with others saying “yes yes we’ll play together, blah blah” and “why aren’t you 70 yet” “I can’t wait till your 70″ blah blah … and yet, they don’t help me level, they don’t even play with me (ok, maybe twice, but still)! Classic sucker, that’s what I am. Gah people are so fucking selfish.

I did just pass the 60 level mark with my new alliance priest. I missed healing, I’m a damn good healer, it’s just my character. Mage is too, when I’m in a mage mood.

Getting up early tomorrow to see Brendan off to his first day of orientation for his new job. Just weird. I’m going to have 6+ hours all to myself. For the first time we’re going to be car swapping. Having one car all the sudden, sucks. With gas prices, what’s the point of two cars? I could totally see myself on one of those little scooters. My husband and my Mother already said, no. Damn.

I’m downloading LOTR Online, on Crossover Games. I have a level 8 Lore-Master who throws ashes from her pocket. It kicks ass.

It’s amazing what going home can do after a horrible day at work. Just being “home” .. I still will never understand how I happen to find this house but every single day I turn that corner and see this forest with beautiful huge trees and this warm “your home now” house hiding under the greenery. I still haven’t found quite a lovely looking property. The dance of the millions of fireflies in the back yard when the sun disappears and the stars twinkle is truly surreal. I want to try and capture this beauty sometime on film, but I’m still fumbling with thoughts on how to do this with the camera’s I have, and not dishing out several grand for a professional type device.

Speaking of lovely things. My nieces.

My little (not so little anymore) Sharon and Savannah (I’m positive she gets her green eyes and tint of red hair from me, hehe) I love those girls. I need to get back out to Texas sometime soon and spoil the heck out of em. Yes yes, I know sissy, sooner than later, right?

I love add-ons in firefox. I love them to the point that I over do it sometimes. I install experimental ones. I experiment in writing some. That leaves my Firefox very bloated and swelling with a bunch of nonsense that doesn’t need to be there. The best part about it, is I simply Export my bookmarks, AppZapp Firefox, re-install and import bookmarks to start all over again on a clean plate.

Firefox, I love you.

MacBook Pro, I love you more. You make my life smile.

With receipt in hand, my new iPhone won’t be here till Wednesday, but I couldn’t wait any longer.

Heh.

Sometimes you have to indulge on what makes you happy, so you can temporarily forget about the monster that’s destroying my body.

It’s been a pretty busy and hectic week. I feel like I’m panting in exhaustion just thinking about the range of emotions that spun about.

The first incoming news on Monday was incredible news to say the least. My husband has finally found a job at Publix. When he called me at work I nearly jumped off my chair with excitement. I went in with him after work to take his drug test and all that stuff. One of the managers I met there was really nice, except she talked really really fast. I wanted to tell her to take a breath. By the time she was doing saying whatever it was she was saying she was almost gasping for air. It made me giggle inside.

So with exciting good news, came my IV treatment on Wednesday. They couldn’t find my vein in my right arm and after 2 sticks and a lot of digging around for a vein UNDER my skin did the nurse try for my left are. Two more sticks, a lot of digging and eventual infusion (where the medicine goes under your skin instead of in your vein) did she bypass trying again and finally got a vein in my hand that didn’t try dodging away. Sure is a good thing I’m not scared of needles.

Usually when I go through treatment the first IV bag of medicine is always the worst. It makes me feel sooo ill. I sit there and squirm while I’m having cold sweats wishing the hour it takes for the medicine to get into me would hurry along. The second IV bag is cake. No pain associated with that one. Its like the cool down from a vigorous work out. The ill feeling always seems to come back in an hour or two tho, and last throughout the day. Only 10 more courses of treatment left. Sigh.

Starting next week I’m going to have to give myself my own shots, 1-2 times a week. Like I said before. Good thing I’m not scared of needles.

Sad news came yesterday, when my Mother and I sold “The Farm” .. the place I grew up. Where the memories of my Father still remain locked in my head. It was very emotional for me. I cried off and on at work even, trying to dab the tears from my eyes at work so no one would see. That’s the last piece of my childhood left that I was holding onto. It’s for the better, especially financially, but it still stings.

So today marks Friday, and I’m glad to have the next two days off. I’m exhausted, and in a bit more pain today than yesterday. I just want to go home.

“The future doesn’t lie ahead of you, waiting to happen…it lies deep inside of you, waiting to be discovered.”

I’m one of those poeple that has a TV on in my office even if I’m not watching it. It’s more for background noise, white noise, whatever you call it. Well, one station I usually keep it on is crime TV since it’s a lot of talking and sometimes they have interesting things on. So cops was playing tonight and they had a special Cops episode called “Party Girls”.

When I hear “Party Girls” I think of some sorority girl from a rich family in Cancun drinking like a fish while hanging all over every guy she walks up to pulling up her shirt and flashing every camera she sees. That’s not what this espisode of Cops is about. It’s about girls out on the street prostituting.

I feel sorry for some of those girls. There is one single reason why any of those girls are there, and that is a bad situation. Their home life was shitty, they get kicked out of the house at a young age, they get addicted to drugs to hide and numb their pain, or they have other emotional problems. Whichever the case, I bet if you asked any one of girls if they are where they want to be, they would say no. No one wants to grow up to be a prostitute. No one wants that life style. When I think of party girl, I think of a irresponsible college teenager having fun. I don’t think of a girl giving away the very being of herself to strangers, who’s so miserable on the inside she convinced herself it will be ok.

Sad. What’s equally as sad is the sorority girl will never have empathy because she has that silver spoon in her mouth to keep her from crying, otherwise known as Daddy’s wallet. I don’t know which is worse.

The pains that have been torturing my body for the last few weeks, decided they were at a rock concert in a mosh pit. My feet started swelling up the day before yesterday. I couldn’t sleep, I haven’t had an appetite. Last night, while I was soaking my feet in the tub for some temporary relief I noticed that my toes, weren’t anything like I had ever seen them before. They were completely blue. I take a picture of them (I take pictures of everything, duh) and send the picture to my Mom. She in turn sends it to my Aunt Donna who shows my Uncle Don (the doctor).

Ohhhh boy. I knew something was bad when it was 11:30 at night and my iPhone started ringing off the hook. It’s a well known fact that my Mother is horrible at telling me bad news. My Aunt Donna has had “The-One-Who-Tells-Jen-Bad-News” title for about 15 years now, so I automatically assume if she calls me (especially late at night) that it’s not good. I couldn’t bring myself to answer the phone. My Aunt Donna knows this well too. It’s my way of sliding “into” the news. This is my Aunt Donna’s trick. She will leave me a message, and she will tell me right off the bat that she misses me and loves me. Then she doesn’t tell me anything about what the bad news is, except that I need to call her right away because she needs to talk to me and she, Uncle Don and my Mother weren’t going to sleep until I did, and it was very important. Then she ends it with she loves me again. She’s so good at this, and she’s also so brave at being “The-One-Who-Tells-Jen-Bad-News”. Believe me, no one wants that role. No one.

So, I get myself a glass of milk and waddle (I have to walk on the heels of my feet because of how swollen my feet and ankles were) out to the back porch and touch the Call Back button. I sit and listen. She’s very good at explaining things without actually telling me the bloody details while giving special care on the urgency of the matter. Then Uncle (Dr) Don gets on the phone. He sucks at telling me bad news, but he usually doesn’t get on the phone. My Aunt Donna quickly takes the phone back and I had agreed to go to the ER by the time I had hung up the phone, but ONLY until I took a shower first. Aunt Donna said it was fine, but to please try not to doddle (I learned the word doddle from her, I love that word).

Shortly after that, somewhere in between calling my Mother, taking a shower and doddling, my brain sort of unplugged itself. That’s the best way I can describe it since the next 1.5 hours are really fuzzy in my head. I could hear what Brendan and my Mother were saying to me, but I couldn’t match up the words. I was confused, and nothing made sense. It’s like everyone started talking in tongues. Brendan tells me that while I was in the shower I asked him what I was doing. My Mother called while we were in the car on the way to the hospital and she kept asking me how far from the hospital I was. I just couldn’t understand the how far part, like my brain was skipping like a scratched record. I had to keep asking Brendan for help. When I got to the hospital I couldn’t tell them my birthdate, except that I wasn’t 30 yet. I just couldn’t figure out anything past that. When the nurse asked me what year it was, I said that I knew it wasn’t 2006, but I couldn’t give her the year. I guess I did know that Bush was president tho, altho Clinton was at the tip of my tongue. I felt so, dumb. My brain, got stuck, and after the nurse asked me more questions I couldn’t answer I just started crying. I mean, I know I should have known that stuff, but … my brain was just stuck. I knew enough to know that wasn’t right or normal. That’s when I got scared. Something, in me, broke. Something just wasn’t right, something was really wrong.

For the next 6 hours on an EKG I had three IV’s stuck in me and I was just staring at the heart meter, watching my pulse and pulse oxygen level. Just watching. And then my brain turned back on. It went from pause to play again. Ironically during the foggy time, I don’t remember as much pain. I just felt like my toe was dead. When my brain turned back on, pain from all over my body throbbed. Blood test after blood test were taken. When one blood test came back as being fine, another one was ordered up. At around 6 or 7 AM the doctor came in the room (he had only been by for about 25 seconds previously just to ask what was going on) he said that they couldn’t find anything wrong and they were going to send me home with water pills to help drain the swelling, and to follow up with my primary care physician.

Just like that. Not only was I more swollen (my hand was starting to swell at that point), but I was mad, stressed, frustrated at being dismissed when nothing had really changed (besides my brain going from the off to the on switch). Everything my Aunt Donna told me she was scared of happening, happened in regards to how the doctor was going to dismiss it and to be persistant). I again asked him how this had happened before in 2002 and how I’ve felt so horrible the last few weeks, and how my tests always come back showing good stats, but obviously there was something really wrong. He said to see my primary care doc and elivate my feet in the meantime. Here is what just one of my feet looked like. I thought if I went to sleep, I’d wake up and my toes would dead.

I won’t go into a tangent about how I hate healthcare in this country. If no one has seen the movie “sicko” then see it, please. It’s such bullshit. Brains don’t just “turn off” and body limbs don’t swell up to the point of cutting circulation randomly or by a fluke like travel or such. It just doesn’t happen.

So, me and my balloon feet are going to see my primary care doc and go through the whole thing again, with a new set of bloodwork and repeating events of the last few weeks. And I’m scared. I’m scared that they still won’t find anything and I’ll still go on with all this for the rest of my life wishing for one day, I could get through the day, without pain. I just want to feel good.

Lots of stuff has been happening recently, most of it being on the emotional spectrum. When it comes to loss and grief I’ve had more than my fair share in my 29 years of life. It’s the first emotion I can remember feeling when I was very young and I know my experience with losing someone, a loved one will only continue and the time between tears will steadily increase instead of decline. That’s just life, that’s apart of life. It’s the part of life that never gets easier .. but it’s not supposed to.

Over the past 10 years I’ve been hit left and right with grief. I’m the type of person that takes such emotions and stuffs them away much like a disobedient child shoving his clothes under the bed when he was supposed to have his room cleaned hours ago. When my Father passed very suddenly in 1999 the shock of it was quickly followed up with denial. I’m fairly certain I could resemble a walking zombie during that time, but I distinctly remember repeating to myself “this isn’t happening, this isn’t happening, I can’t be the kid that losses her Daddy, this can’t be happening to me”. A quick look on Wikipedia I found this about the denial process:

“Feelings of unreality, depersonalization, withdrawal, and an anesthetizing of affect. The person feels unable to come to terms with what just occurred.”

Around the year anniversary of his death the anger and rebellion set in. The denial wasn’t over by any means, it was just being ignored as I acted out against life for being so unfair. I remained stuck in that stage for 3 years living in the vortex of chaos and unhealthy relationships. Wikipedia has information about the “Volatile Reactions” would should also be called the spiraling downhill out of control stage.

“Whenever one’s identity and social order face the possibility of destruction, there is a natural tendency to feel angry, frustrated, helpless and/or hurt. The volatile reactions of terror, hatred, resentment, and jealousy are often experienced as emotional manifestations of these feelings.”

When I look back at it now I see loss and grief not only in the time of death, but when there is loss of a friendship, a dream, the sense of safety, and of possessions. Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss. The emotional effect is the same (though loss in the case of death, especially sudden and unexpected highens the intensity of the grieving process) and the same steps of the naturally occuring grieving process is triggered.

I will be the first to admit that I don’t handle loss and grief well at all. I’m still dealing with losses from 10 years ago, trying to bring that process full circle. It’s also made me a better person. I never got to tell my Father goodbye. We hadn’t spoken to each other in a week due to a silly fight. Since that time my Mother and I never end a phone conversation or an email without telling each other “I love you!”

The losses that I’ve had along the way that weren’t a result of death have been forefront in my mind. Maybe I’m making up for the rotten last words I ever spoke to my Father, but I’m determined not to leave a situation in hurt and anger. The only thing I can control is myself and that has been pushing me to patch up those losses while I can, even if it’s to properly say goodbye.

I wanted to make a video demonstrating this emotion because I always have a hard time putting these emotions into words. Rather, I can visualize the emotion in my mind. This video is symbolic to the trials of Loss and Grief. It’s called “Love and Loss” ..

Forgiveness means forgiveness. Not bringing up the past and not letting the past be just what it is, the past. Forgiveness means going from the present time forward. That’s forgiveness.

For anyone out there, remember this when telling someone you’re sorry. Please, for yourself and for them, mean it. Don’t just say it.

“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” Lewis B. Smedes

“Sincere forgiveness isn’t colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don’t worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.” Sara Paddison

I just made my 101 in 1001 list. I’m stuck on #46, so if you have any suggestions let me know.

I’ve been meaning to do this for a while and my friend Chriss inspired me with her list.

I can’t get over how incredibly easy Apple makes it to learn their framework and to dive right into Cocoa programming. I’m a member of Apple Developer Connection because my passion is creating, coding and developing. When I first dove into Cocoa and Objective-C programming and signed up for the ADC program Apple pretty much got out a silver tray and handed me every tool I would need to create neat, fast and stream-lined OS X and iPhone applications.

The Library’s Apple offers are huge and they are actually built into XCode (the apple developer tool). I’m a visual person so I’m much more prone to video than I am having to read gobs of technical jargon. Apple takes care of people like me and with my learning style. They offer both introductory video’s, advanced video’s and everything in between. Not only can you find these video’s on the Apple Developer web sites but you can also find the video’s on Apple’s iTunes and download them to your iPhone/iPod/Touch to take with you.

Like I said, I thrive on this stuff …

Today would have been my Father’s birthday. It’s feels surreal he’s been gone for 9 years now.

Happy Birthday Dad ..

It’s truly amazing to me how people can sit around and let their brain rot. It’s equally confusing when I hear people say they are bored. It makes me sad when the very core of creativity dries up in a person turning the very shell of their existence to a dependent dull boring, nothing. And the kicker is … these people seem to accept that it’s who they are completely forgetting they at one time in their lives they showed true potential by independently thinking, creating, experiencing.

Throughout my life I keep seeing this phenomena over and over and I’m equally shocked each and every time. Mindless activity is a nice relaxing vacation every once in a while but permanent mindlessness should be a fucking sin. A quote from the 40 year old virgin, “Is it true that if you don’t use it, you lose it?” reminds me of this. When one stops exercising that gray matter it just might not come back to its full potential.

Don’t get caught up in settling for anything less than creating, learning and experiencing every part of this short span of time they call life. Don’t become the dependent simpleton who’s light bulb is so dim the light doesn’t reach your feet. Keep that mind constantly full of knowledge, keep that bulb burning bright and strong so you can always clearly see your path. Don’t waste energy on over-analyzing every single fucking situation. Take what you need from it, leave the rest, and LEARN from it. Turn off that TV, turn off the computer, go outside, take pictures, read a book, talk to a total stranger and listen to the story of their life. Everything is as interesting and wonderful as you make it.

The sun is only as bright and beautiful as you allow it to be…

I recently moved my site to This* (one of my sites, this one will be going shortly) and I know I’ve written about them before but I have to write about them again, because they impressed me with personal touch.

I got an email from Jules, the Technical Director who was proactive and manually moved my site without waiting to hear back from me.

Hi Jenny,

As a new client of ours and having been with us for a couple of weeks now, I’m just e-mailing to check up on the service you’ve received so far. How has everything been? Do you have any comments, suggestions or other feedback for us that may help us improve the service for yourself and others in the future? Any and all comments are welcome so feel free to speak your mind!

–
Best Wishes,
Jules Robinson – this* Technical Director

I emailed Jules back quite the book.

Hello Jules!

Let me start out as saying I have never been treated by any company as I have been treated by ThisWebHost. My jaw is still dropped to the ground thinking back through the few weeks of my new membership with you.

I give you, and This* a standing ovation :: stands up and claps ::

The extremely quick set up was completed 45 seconds after I hit the “sign up” button. I was extremely busy at work that day and I didn’t get back to you about moving my site, yet you were proactive and completed it for me before I had a chance to check my email (and I know full well that it’s NOT part of the hosting plan to manually move sites, it’s only part of the plan to move sites that had certain cPanel services). My site has been blazing fast, and you guys are AWESOME.

I’m a software engineer and I’ve been in the “business” for 10 years now and I have never seen IT folk so personable, friendly, and helpful. You work for an extremely wonderful company and I hope to find a company with as much integrity when I graduate from college.

I’m going to tell a little story that happened to me the same day I signed up with This*. I went to get my hair cut at this new Fantastic Sams close to my work. The gentleman that cut my hair was extremely kind and talkative and we sat there talking 30 minutes after he was done with my hair. It wasn’t but 2 days later I get a card in the mail from him to say thank you for the conversation and he hoped I had a good time with my family who was coming into town. It wasn’t one of those thank you notes that was pre-printed. He took the time and energy to thank ME, when he was the one that cut MY hair. The point I’m trying to make is, This* did exactly that. You go the extra mile and you truly care about the care of the customer. Consider me your permanent customer, and I’m in the process now of transferring my other two sites over.

Please feel free to forward this to your boss, their boss, and their boss. I want to thank everyone!

Jen

YES! They are really that amazing.

Well, it was sort of made of win. Pepper went to the vets to get his cast off today. After taking xrays his vet decided that his little bone isn’t quite healed good enough and they put another cast back on him for the next 2 or 4 weeks. Poor little guy, I’m sure he’s forgotten he even has 4 legs.

Other than that, it was a great day at work. I’m getting a lot done, and I have some huge projects on my plate for the week which feels great. I also got a raise, and I happen to be one of the two in my department that aren’t … :: cough :: … leaving the company not by their choice soon (if you know what I mean).

So what does that mean? That means I get more money, and they think I’m a smart valuable cookie. That makes me feel good

Got Brendan a new phone today too since he put his through the wash. It’s an LG Shine (black). It’s amazing how phones really haven’t come super far, of course when they aren’t iPhones.

Finals going on today and tomorrow. I haven’t been playing WoW because of this, and because I have to pull off at least a B in these classes. I miss WoW

This time it was a guy and a girl. The guy actually knew what he was talking about, using those big tech words in the correct way. This time I actually listened.

I’ve had Comcast for as long as they had broadband internet in my area back when I lived in Fort Collins, Colorado. At that time I was high on speed, internet speed that is. It was like a totally new experience. Before I dove into the word of broadband I had a 50 ft phone cable plugged into the back of my laptop which went wherever I did in my condo. But this new broadband thing, I never had to sign off, I never had to hold up the telephone line, it was like any young geek girls dream. Ever since the beginning .. I had problems with them but I was living in cyberspace and it was the only alternative I had. When I moved to Florida, it was the only alternative I had. When we moved to Georgia, it was the only service available with such speeds, but the problems never quit. When I think of Comcast I have this bad taste in my mouth reflecting on bad experiences, shotty service, and extremely poor customer service.

AT&T fiber is going to give me HDTV (when reading all the forums it’s supposed to be way better than Comcast), move my current phone number over, and feed 10mbps through fiber optic paradise right into my house.

One of the big sellers for me was if we had any problems AT&T would send out a tech within 24 hours. That’s unheard of with Comcast.

I’m excited. I’m not canceling Comcast yet, but I can’t wait to drop them if this service is better.

Oh ya, and I fed the guy and girl that were here. Because they were cool.

When I woke up this morning I saw a card laying on my desk with my name on it. It was from my husband. The inside says ..

You’re a better Mommy than you realize! And someday I hope to make that true. Love, Brendan