Lots of stuff has been happening recently, most of it being on the emotional spectrum. When it comes to loss and grief I’ve had more than my fair share in my 29 years of life. It’s the first emotion I can remember feeling when I was very young and I know my experience with losing someone, a loved one will only continue and the time between tears will steadily increase instead of decline. That’s just life, that’s apart of life. It’s the part of life that never gets easier .. but it’s not supposed to.
Over the past 10 years I’ve been hit left and right with grief. I’m the type of person that takes such emotions and stuffs them away much like a disobedient child shoving his clothes under the bed when he was supposed to have his room cleaned hours ago. When my Father passed very suddenly in 1999 the shock of it was quickly followed up with denial. I’m fairly certain I could resemble a walking zombie during that time, but I distinctly remember repeating to myself “this isn’t happening, this isn’t happening, I can’t be the kid that losses her Daddy, this can’t be happening to me”. A quick look on Wikipedia I found this about the denial process:
“Feelings of unreality, depersonalization, withdrawal, and an anesthetizing of affect. The person feels unable to come to terms with what just occurred.”
Around the year anniversary of his death the anger and rebellion set in. The denial wasn’t over by any means, it was just being ignored as I acted out against life for being so unfair. I remained stuck in that stage for 3 years living in the vortex of chaos and unhealthy relationships. Wikipedia has information about the “Volatile Reactions” would should also be called the spiraling downhill out of control stage.
“Whenever one’s identity and social order face the possibility of destruction, there is a natural tendency to feel angry, frustrated, helpless and/or hurt. The volatile reactions of terror, hatred, resentment, and jealousy are often experienced as emotional manifestations of these feelings.”
When I look back at it now I see loss and grief not only in the time of death, but when there is loss of a friendship, a dream, the sense of safety, and of possessions. Grief is a multi-faceted response to loss. The emotional effect is the same (though loss in the case of death, especially sudden and unexpected highens the intensity of the grieving process) and the same steps of the naturally occuring grieving process is triggered.
I will be the first to admit that I don’t handle loss and grief well at all. I’m still dealing with losses from 10 years ago, trying to bring that process full circle. It’s also made me a better person. I never got to tell my Father goodbye. We hadn’t spoken to each other in a week due to a silly fight. Since that time my Mother and I never end a phone conversation or an email without telling each other “I love you!”
The losses that I’ve had along the way that weren’t a result of death have been forefront in my mind. Maybe I’m making up for the rotten last words I ever spoke to my Father, but I’m determined not to leave a situation in hurt and anger. The only thing I can control is myself and that has been pushing me to patch up those losses while I can, even if it’s to properly say goodbye.
I wanted to make a video demonstrating this emotion because I always have a hard time putting these emotions into words. Rather, I can visualize the emotion in my mind. This video is symbolic to the trials of Loss and Grief. It’s called “Love and Loss” ..
Forgiveness means forgiveness. Not bringing up the past and not letting the past be just what it is, the past. Forgiveness means going from the present time forward. That’s forgiveness.
For anyone out there, remember this when telling someone you’re sorry. Please, for yourself and for them, mean it. Don’t just say it.
“To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you.” Lewis B. Smedes
“Sincere forgiveness isn’t colored with expectations that the other person apologize or change. Don’t worry whether or not they finally understand you. Love them and release them. Life feeds back truth to people in its own way and time.” Sara Paddison
I can’t get over how incredibly easy Apple makes it to learn their framework and to dive right into Cocoa programming. I’m a member of Apple Developer Connection because my passion is creating, coding and developing. When I first dove into Cocoa and Objective-C programming and signed up for the ADC program Apple pretty much got out a silver tray and handed me every tool I would need to create neat, fast and stream-lined OS X and iPhone applications.
The Library’s Apple offers are huge and they are actually built into XCode (the apple developer tool). I’m a visual person so I’m much more prone to video than I am having to read gobs of technical jargon. Apple takes care of people like me and with my learning style. They offer both introductory video’s, advanced video’s and everything in between. Not only can you find these video’s on the Apple Developer web sites but you can also find the video’s on Apple’s iTunes and download them to your iPhone/iPod/Touch to take with you.
It’s truly amazing to me how people can sit around and let their brain rot. It’s equally confusing when I hear people say they are bored. It makes me sad when the very core of creativity dries up in a person turning the very shell of their existence to a dependent dull boring, nothing. And the kicker is … these people seem to accept that it’s who they are completely forgetting they at one time in their lives they showed true potential by independently thinking, creating, experiencing.
Throughout my life I keep seeing this phenomena over and over and I’m equally shocked each and every time. Mindless activity is a nice relaxing vacation every once in a while but permanent mindlessness should be a fucking sin. A quote from the 40 year old virgin, “Is it true that if you don’t use it, you lose it?” reminds me of this. When one stops exercising that gray matter it just might not come back to its full potential.
Don’t get caught up in settling for anything less than creating, learning and experiencing every part of this short span of time they call life. Don’t become the dependent simpleton who’s light bulb is so dim the light doesn’t reach your feet. Keep that mind constantly full of knowledge, keep that bulb burning bright and strong so you can always clearly see your path. Don’t waste energy on over-analyzing every single fucking situation. Take what you need from it, leave the rest, and LEARN from it. Turn off that TV, turn off the computer, go outside, take pictures, read a book, talk to a total stranger and listen to the story of their life. Everything is as interesting and wonderful as you make it.
The sun is only as bright and beautiful as you allow it to be…
I recently moved my site to This* (one of my sites, this one will be going shortly) and I know I’ve written about them before but I have to write about them again, because they impressed me with personal touch.
I got an email from Jules, the Technical Director who was proactive and manually moved my site without waiting to hear back from me.
Hi Jenny,
As a new client of ours and having been with us for a couple of weeks now, I’m just e-mailing to check up on the service you’ve received so far. How has everything been? Do you have any comments, suggestions or other feedback for us that may help us improve the service for yourself and others in the future? Any and all comments are welcome so feel free to speak your mind!
–
Best Wishes,
Jules Robinson – this* Technical Director
I emailed Jules back quite the book.
Hello Jules!
Let me start out as saying I have never been treated by any company as I have been treated by ThisWebHost. My jaw is still dropped to the ground thinking back through the few weeks of my new membership with you.
I give you, and This* a standing ovation :: stands up and claps ::
The extremely quick set up was completed 45 seconds after I hit the “sign up” button. I was extremely busy at work that day and I didn’t get back to you about moving my site, yet you were proactive and completed it for me before I had a chance to check my email (and I know full well that it’s NOT part of the hosting plan to manually move sites, it’s only part of the plan to move sites that had certain cPanel services). My site has been blazing fast, and you guys are AWESOME.
I’m a software engineer and I’ve been in the “business” for 10 years now and I have never seen IT folk so personable, friendly, and helpful. You work for an extremely wonderful company and I hope to find a company with as much integrity when I graduate from college.
I’m going to tell a little story that happened to me the same day I signed up with This*. I went to get my hair cut at this new Fantastic Sams close to my work. The gentleman that cut my hair was extremely kind and talkative and we sat there talking 30 minutes after he was done with my hair. It wasn’t but 2 days later I get a card in the mail from him to say thank you for the conversation and he hoped I had a good time with my family who was coming into town. It wasn’t one of those thank you notes that was pre-printed. He took the time and energy to thank ME, when he was the one that cut MY hair. The point I’m trying to make is, This* did exactly that. You go the extra mile and you truly care about the care of the customer. Consider me your permanent customer, and I’m in the process now of transferring my other two sites over.
Please feel free to forward this to your boss, their boss, and their boss. I want to thank everyone!
Well, it was sort of made of win. Pepper went to the vets to get his cast off today. After taking xrays his vet decided that his little bone isn’t quite healed good enough and they put another cast back on him for the next 2 or 4 weeks. Poor little guy, I’m sure he’s forgotten he even has 4 legs.
Other than that, it was a great day at work. I’m getting a lot done, and I have some huge projects on my plate for the week which feels great. I also got a raise, and I happen to be one of the two in my department that aren’t … :: cough :: … leaving the company not by their choice soon (if you know what I mean).
So what does that mean? That means I get more money, and they think I’m a smart valuable cookie. That makes me feel good
Got Brendan a new phone today too since he put his through the wash. It’s an LG Shine (black). It’s amazing how phones really haven’t come super far, of course when they aren’t iPhones.
Finals going on today and tomorrow. I haven’t been playing WoW because of this, and because I have to pull off at least a B in these classes. I miss WoW
This time it was a guy and a girl. The guy actually knew what he was talking about, using those big tech words in the correct way. This time I actually listened.
I’ve had Comcast for as long as they had broadband internet in my area back when I lived in Fort Collins, Colorado. At that time I was high on speed, internet speed that is. It was like a totally new experience. Before I dove into the word of broadband I had a 50 ft phone cable plugged into the back of my laptop which went wherever I did in my condo. But this new broadband thing, I never had to sign off, I never had to hold up the telephone line, it was like any young geek girls dream. Ever since the beginning .. I had problems with them but I was living in cyberspace and it was the only alternative I had. When I moved to Florida, it was the only alternative I had. When we moved to Georgia, it was the only service available with such speeds, but the problems never quit. When I think of Comcast I have this bad taste in my mouth reflecting on bad experiences, shotty service, and extremely poor customer service.
AT&T fiber is going to give me HDTV (when reading all the forums it’s supposed to be way better than Comcast), move my current phone number over, and feed 10mbps through fiber optic paradise right into my house.
One of the big sellers for me was if we had any problems AT&T would send out a tech within 24 hours. That’s unheard of with Comcast.
I’m excited. I’m not canceling Comcast yet, but I can’t wait to drop them if this service is better.
Oh ya, and I fed the guy and girl that were here. Because they were cool.
I called my Mother today to wish her a happy Mother’s day. She’s really the best Mom ever. I’m sure most people say that about their Mom’s. I didn’t always appreciate her tho. Growing up my Mother and I never really bonded like Mother and Daughter should. This caused my teenage years to be less then enjoyable, more for her than myself. I put her through the ringer and back again (it makes me scared of having my own children). Shortly after my Father died I went spinning into Galaxy and I wasn’t there for her as much as I should have been while she mourned. I was dealing with the pain in a way that hurt us both. Eventually I pulled my head out of my butt enough when I decided to move clear across the country. Something happened I never knew was possible. My Mother and I, although we were thousands of miles away, bonded.
At this present day my Mother and I are not only family, but we’re also the best of friends. I’ve had to be there for her through breaking up with her first and only boyfriend (at least since my Father passed) and she’s had to be there for me through the easy and hard times of my marriage. She’s recently retired which brings to light how much both her and I have gotten older.
My Mother now has time to come to Georgia for more frequent visits. She often leaves her items here so she doesn’t have to haul so much. There is one closet in the spare bedroom that spells exactly like her. I don’t let my husband open it too much so the times I really miss her I can go to that closet and breath her comfort. Weird? Maybe. But it makes me smile just thinking about it.
I’ve been wanting to re-design my site for quite a while now but lack of time, homework and work I run out of time in any given day. Jesse gave me Cory Miller’s 411 so that I could make a mock up of the site and he could code it for me. I thought that would be a great idea until I started working on the site mock up. Out comes Photoshop CS3, CSSEdit, and Coda. Before I knew it it was hours later and I had a halfway decent looking theme. So much for the mock up. It’s not that I don’t know PHP and CSS, it’s just that I had other things to do.
Like with everything, I’m an overly independant woman who has to do everything herself. If I don’t know how to do it, I learn. When I learn, I don’t half-ass it, I learn the inside and outside and front ways and long ways and whichever way I can. I have this habit of stuffing my brain full of both useful and useless information. I think if there were an addiction to learning I would be screwed.
So there you have it. My first WordPress Theme! It will be a work in progress and I’m sure I will change it up a few more thousand times but I’m good with it for now.
Due to one of those extreme ADD days, I’m doing anything but what I should be doing, like homework. Instead I’ve been finding some new blogs to subscribe to this week. I hope Google Reader doesn’t have a max limit, eeekk. Then again, I’m not exactly sure how I keep up with so many, but I seem to. Oh right right, it’s because I read my feeds instead of doing homework! -_-
I’ve added a few blogs today. One of them is a twitter buddy, Mike Kochansky who writes a lot about Mac and Mac news. He just started his blog so add him! And make a million comments! And welcome him to the blogging world! I found a link through his site to a fellow Georgia geek girl named Christina Warren. I have to quote the first thing I saw on her page, it made me el oh el IRL.
www.ChristinaWarren.com: Because some other bitch forgot to renew her domain name.
Ironically that’s how I got my domain name jennyberry.com … It all the sudden went up for sale, I’m guessing because some other Jenny Berry out there forgot to renew it. I never saw anyone make anything of it before I happen to snag it. It’s my name for crying out loud, it’s MINE! And hopefully I won’t forget to renew it :: runs to iCal and adds in renew date ::
So, a couple of things. I’ve been staring at the computer screen for way too long, but that’s besides the point. I finally did something that I’ve been meaning to do for a while. After extensive and exhaustive research I’ve finally found a hosting company that I would be happy to give money to. Within the hour I had seen more customer service and personal touch than I had ever seen with any hosting company. I had to pick my jaw up off the ground. What did they do? Well, because I’m not savvy in transferring database files the feature that really caught my eye (well, what feature isn’t great? Seriously?) was:
We’ll move your old data for you
That’s right. If you’re migrating from an existing host that utilise Cpanel/WHM, then we will move your data and files for you. Simply contact our support team and provide us with your existing account information with your old host, and we’ll do the rest. Once complete, we’ll let you know when to update the DNS or nameservers. Can’t get better than that, eh?
So I did. I put in a ticket and said, move my stuff! Please. My previous host (IX web hosting, horrible horrible company, stay away from them) didn’t even have cpanel set up correctly so I got a support email asking how I would like to proceed. That was around the time I was leaving work last night so instead of replying I packed up my stuff and headed home. By the time I got home (remember, I live 3.8 miles away from work) I had another email saying
“I just moved everything manually to your new remote server and everything seems to be working, I hope that was ok?”
Um, gee. Was that ok? ZOMG you people are awesome! And quick, dang my site loads fast and such. I’m very happy with my new business relationship.
I’ve been up all night looking at design and getting idea’s. I do this from time to time. Just cuz.
There’s nothing like the fresh air of my Mother’s presence. Mom and Grandma Reba got in Saturday and after sitting in downtown rush hour traffic for 2 hours we were finally home. They still look the same, thank goodness. It always makes me sad when I don’t see someone for a while and the next time I see them they look older or more run down. Run down, such a phrase I’m using a lot lately.
Anyway, my spirits have been refilled and I’m basking in my Mother’s glow. I’ve also noticed that I’m extremely tired ever since they have gotten here which isn’t a bad thing. I’ve not been sleeping good lately due to stress, so my stress meter is obviously lowered because sleep is coming to me very easily.
They got a rental car today and they are driving up to Blairsville which is north of where I live to visit more family. My Grandmother is from Georgia so she has family that’s always been here. Mom is coming back later in the week to spend more time with me. Oh I love my Mother. She always makes things fun and exciting and she always makes me feel good about any given situation at any time.
Yesterday we went for a drive to the old copper furnace so they could see the countryside and area. I feel asleep in the car on the way home, and for me that’s nearly unheard of.
Mom always reminds me of the obvious. People are selfish and they take advantage of those who help. Don’t harden your heart. Just know you helped and move on to a place you’re appreciated again.
One of the talents I greatly lack is my ability to deal with stress. Pepper went back to the vets today because he managed to wiggle out of his cast. It was really do to him walking around and trying to jump up on things. It’s extremely difficult to keep a 3 month old kitten in one place let alone keeping him calm. All the movement was jarring the cast loose till it practically slipped off.
To the sound of $250 later (they had to give him anesthesia to re-cast) a very groggy Pepper came home. The vet said that Pepper needs to remain confined in a kennel and have as little movement as possible. So he’s in Jonah’s dog crate right now with the cone collar (so he doesn’t chew on the cast) crying his head off. Each time he cries my heart breaks because I want to scoop him up and cuddle him but I know this is best for him. My heart and logic don’t always speak the same language.
Between the constant crying, having less than 5 hours to get my 10 page report done for class, and trying to hold it together my stress level is skyrocketing. I think if I get one more punch in the gut or anything of the like I’m liable to exploded into a million tiny pieces.
It’s just perfect outside right now. A nice warm temp of 75 with a slight breeze. There isn’t a cloud in the sky and all the tree’s continue to blossom gorgeous white, pink and red flowers. It’s not too humid and at the same time not too dry. I’ve not even lived here a year yet but I have to admit that the best seasons, spring and fall, last and last. From growing up in Colorado springtime usually lasts a week or so until the dry beating sun punches you in the back of the head for 2-3 grueling months. Then it’s fall for maybe a week and the rest of the time the cold goes so deep into your bones that you never get warm.
That doesn’t happen in Georgia. Everything is rich and green and lush with so many different kinds of tree’s and flowers grow out of the soil without having to be replanted and landscapes come alive with no human effort. The foliage around my house reminds me of the secret garden where you can get lost in a magical dream. It’s the first time seeing a Georgia spring and I hope it lasts forever.
I think Pepper is finally on the mend. His accident couldn’t have happened at a worse time with made my stress bubble explode in a million pieces. He’s hobbling pretty good now like he’s had a huge cast on his leg forever. Of course that isn’t going to stop a 3 week kitten. I’m still very protective of him because it killed me to see his tiny broken leg and the pain he went through. His limitations have brought out the cuddle bug in him and it makes my heart melt. When I get home he will hobble over to me and I’ll pick him up and his purring motor will start going full volume as he licks my nose with his sand paper tongue. It’s amazing how fast one gets attached. I’m especially bad. More pictures and video to come since I’m learning Final Cut Studio 2 (you know, when I’m supposed to be sleeping in my many many hours of spare time.
My Mother and Grandmother are flying from Colorado on Saturday to spend time with us! I’m so excited. I miss my Mom so much and I haven’t seen my Grandmother in about 4 years. Mom just retired so she finally has some free time. I can’t wait for her to see a Kennesaw Spring.
Seriously, play it. It’s fast and zippy. It’s the the whole game and there are parts missing (like that first mushroom you go for on the first golden ? box ) but it’s pretty darn neat.
This is my first spring in Georgia and boy did I get a wake up call. So many of the tree’s here bloom before they grow leaves. The flowers that blossom come in colors from dark red to vibrant pink to white. It’s very beautiful to say the least, but all those pretty blossoms create a substantial amount of pollen. The pollen is so thick in the morning that vehicles left out over night are covered in it. Our back deck is covered in it like a thin layer of snow. What looks like dust storms in the sky are really pollen clouds. Those with bad allergies are not having fun I’m sure. Mine have been under control somewhat, so I’m not too bad off. My asthma flares up once and a while altho I thought it would be worse. I’ll have to take pictures of that to share
I think I’ve known this for a long long time, but today it’s been present in every way possible. I’m ready for a career change. No no, I’m still a geek and the computer industry will always be my passion. I’ve been doing tech support since 1998 and at this point in the game, I’m completely burnt out. It’s just not what I want to be doing. My focus in IT has always been development and programming and with school I’m making the necessary steps to get to that point but more then ever I want to find an entry-level position in that field. Something to get my foot in the door, and eventually my life long dream of being a Software Engineer at Google.
So, I’m going to start looking for something. The tricky part is the time in between paychecks that might be hard, but at the same time, we just got our tax money back and we threw that into savings and paid off our credit card.
Baby steps are always hard for me. I always want every thing to happen fast but like anything big, it’s a slow process especially to work toward the end goal.
I have the next week off from school which is a nice change but I’ve been filling up my extra time with WoW which might not be the best idea.
I was going to have a BBQ this Friday with all the people from work, but I’m starting to second guess that and since I haven’t advertised it I might just forget it all together. I overheard a work friend today putting tech support down and it just put a bad taste in my mouth since he’s been a friend for years. In fact, I’m the one that trained him when he first came to the company. I guess you can’t always trust every one.
This has been a rather easy quarter for me. I have one class to worry about and it’s a lame spreadsheets class that doesn’t take much effort or thought on my part. Next quarter is going to be different and my time will be reduced to even less then I have now. So I’m preparing for the one that will take most of my time.
I have Systems Administration and Java. I’m Java challenged right now. I started taking these classes in January but due to illness and my arm injury I dropped both of these classes to try and mend myself. I’ve always had this love/hate relationship with Java. I love when it works, I hate when it doesn’t. My determination to make it work is out-weighing my procrastination to say “screw it” because the fact is, I WANT to “get it” and learn it and manipulate it like clay. So I’m currently going through one of my Java books I had at home to give me a jump start. I’m doing both the Self-Test Questions of every chapter as well as the Programming Exercises. Doing it this way I’m actually learning more of the basic’s then I learned in class last quarter.
This is what I have learned about school. I need to find what works for me, and do it my way. Everyone has a way of learning that works best for them, and I’m just starting on that path of realizing what works best for me.
Time seems to be against me, however. Never enough time.
I have been doing something that I told myself I wouldn’t do. Ignore my blogs and update with some meaningless crap. I need to get a handle on that, because it’s not what I was planning or what I wanted to do.
I was going to use this blog for PPP but I’ve now decided against that. I’m going to use another one of my blogs for that. This started off as my space and that’s how I’m going to make it. My space. Many people know this URL as a place they can go to go get an update on me and my life and I’m sure every one is confused as to what I’ve been spewing out lately.
So, I’m going to make an effort to change all that around. And that’s going to start now. I gotta get a handle on the purpose of my blogs and the purpose on this one I don’t want lost. It’s more work than that. I want all my blog entries all in the same place here. That means, resurrecting my old blog entries that start way back when.
Her name is Penny and she’s been the only thing going on in my little world as of late. I know I’ve posted pictures, but I haven’t posted a link to all her pictures including a video.
I figured out something today. I’m using one of works license keys for Office 2008 for Mac and accidently used the same key that one of our Sys Admins is using. I dreaded having to completely uninstall and reinstall office. I figured out a go around for removing the information about the keys so the next time you start Office 2008 (for Mac) you will be prompted again to insert a new license key.
There are two files on your Mac you will have to delete:
1. Library -> Preferences -> Microsoft -> Office 2008 -> Microsoft Office 2008 Settings.plist
2. HD -> Applications ->Microsoft Office 2008 -> OfficePID.plist
Now just start up any of the office apps and enter in your new key!
I had to take incomplete’s for my two classes this quarter (IT362 & IT254) due to my temporary medical issues. I’m not exactly sure how long I have to get all my assignments done and turned in (something I need to look up and/or ask my instructors) but new classes start for me on January 6th, 2008 and I’m hoping to have all my IT362 & IT254 assignments done by then so I’m not completely overwhelmed. My instructors have been very kind and understanding about it, so I’m certainly thankful for that.
I’m very excited for this next quarter. I’ll be taking:
IT170 – Introduction to Object-Oriented Programming IT382 – Systems Administration
The Systems Administration class is going to be more of a refresher course for me I think, but I’m hoping to learn new things. I’m nearly giddy about my Introduction to Object-Oriented Programming class however, because it’s the first core class that follows my degree concentration (Software Engineering). I don’t know what programming language it will be in, but I’m fairly certain it will be Java. Time to break out those java beans!
I love technology. What I love more then technology is the creative outlet the tools of technology allow me to have. When I take on a project, like my school wiki for instance, I can tweak and custom fit that piece of technology to suit whatever goal or solution I might be seeking at that time. The best aspect of these projects, is actually learning how things work. Once learned, the sky’s the limit and the creative juices keep flowing to the next project or learning experience I have the privilege of working on.
It’s just exciting stuff, and to do it for a job almost feels like cheating in a way. I mean, who’s supposed to love going to work everyday?
When I ponder my dream of working at Google, this is how I see myself there.
This is the coolest thing I’ve seen for a while, besides 
