.:: Yolospat ::.

A few items are on the plate this evenings (er, mornings, how’d that happen so fast? So little time so much to do) blog post. First off, World of Warcraft’s Cataclysm finally has a release date! December 7th. That’s a few weeks after I started playing WoW back in 2005. Wow, it seems like yesterday. I will probably pre-order. I wouldn’t be able to stand in the huge long lines. I’m getting too old or something. So what if I get the game a day late? Amazon is good about sending the game out so you get it on the release day. I haven’t played WoW for weeks, but I think it might catch up once Cataclysm will pick up my gaming time.

I’ve been gearing up for NaNoWriMo!! NaNoWriMo stands for National Novel Writing Month where one has to write 50,000 words of their novel from November 1st through November 30’s. This will be my first year doing it. I’m excited. You can follow my progress at My NaNoWriMo page. I’m writing a lot of short stories this month, and practicing on some writing prompts I have been collecting over the last year since I missed it last year.

Speaking of missing NaNoWriMo last year, sigh. This is the month of October and in 4 more days will be the anniversary of the day I got married. It’s almost going to be a year since I’ve seen my husband ex-husband. It doesn’t feel possible, it feels like a decade. And the worst part about it is through all the hustle and bustle of getting packed and moved, we never got to say goodbye to each other. The other worst part is that I don’t know when I will see him again. I miss him more than any word I can think of in the English language. Its emotional agony, only worse. I lost my soul-mate and my best friend all at the same time. Adjusting to being a single female living by myself is an adjustment I keep fighting subconsciously. I feel scared much of the time, especially at nights knowing he’s not here makes everything seem empty, but through my art, writing, reading, crocheting, and now knitting, I’m trying to keep myself as busy as possible. I’m so grateful for our telephone calls nearly every night, and I’m thankful we keep in constant communication and we’ve both grown from this experience, and he will always be my soul-mate no matter what happens in the future. The distance is so hard though, just so hard. When incidents happen like they did with “Lance” a week ago it makes me wish I were still in Georgia.

Jonah is a lot better. His face is healing at a remarkable speed. The scabs are starting to fall off and new skin is fresh and pink underneath. My friend David got a new puppy. A miniature Chihuahua named taco. I was scared at first that taco and Molly would butt heads for dominance but it was amazing how fast she took to him. This is the first time she’s meeting a dog smaller than her, it was so cute. David made a funny joke. He said if Molly and Taco had puppies, they would have tamales. Hehe. Pictures coming soon of Taco. I’m also building a computer for David that he can use now that he’s gone back to school and kicking ass with his grades.

I’ve been using my iPad a lot for writing out my short stories and my writing exercises. For some reason I’ve gotten a talent for tying on it. It actually makes me write even more than I do already. I found a program on the iPad called Manuscript that connects to DropBox so I work on it no matter where I am.

Just got home from the vet hospital and a very scary few hours. 

Earlier tonight I was drawing and I kept hearing Jonah’s dog tags jingling over and over in the family room. I went to check on him and a 2 inch by 3 inch area of skin was hanging like a flap where his cheek used to be, and raw bloody muscle was left. I couldn’t tell you all the thoughts running through my head as to what caused this to happen but I didn’t have time to investigate. I grabbed my keys, then grabbed Jonah and rushed him to the front seat of the car. Somewhere between where I picked him up in the house to the front door the skin flap fell off, which I found when I got home.

I called Jonah’s vet and the after hours message said to go to the emergency vet hospital on 23rd by Bank of Choice. I didn’t even look to see if I parked between the lines, grabbed Jonah and rushed him inside. Luckily they were able to pull up his vet records since my vets office is their sister shop and took us right back to an exam room. 

The vet tech was super personable and Jonah warmed right up to her considering the circumstances. She explained to me that he had some sort of allergy to something which caused a bad rash on his skin under his fur. Because his ears cover that area and because that area is in a damp hot spot it made it the perfect breeding ground for bacteria to grow. Since the rash was so bad it only took one scratch from Jonah to pull all the skin off where the rash was to leave this open gaping wound. They had to shave off all the hair on the right side of his face to see how var the rash spread (about twice the size of the raw part) and sprayed a topical steroid spray on it after cleaning it up. I’m supposed to spray that topical spray right on the raw part every 6 hours for 2 weeks. The vet tech said at first it burns a little but to rub his ears right after so he forgets the pain sooner. He’s also on antibiotics and pain meds. 

The poor guy just doesn’t know what to do with the cone collar. He will just stand there and not move. He’ll get used to it eventually, but I feel so bad for him. He is uncomfortable and it’s written all over his face. I’m going to sleep downstairs on the couch so I don’t have to carry him up and down the stairs. I’m not sure how I picked him up so many time when I rushed him to the hospital due to the weakness from Fibro. I’m sure it was the adrenaline from the initial shock. 

So I have him home now and he is snoozing on the rug. The pain meeds mush have just kicked in. The open wound can’t be covered so it heals from the sides to the middle. It has to be so painful, I just feel so bad for him. 

I was worried at first if it was something I either did or didn’t do or I didn’t pay close enough attention to but the vet reassured me that there was nothing I could do to prevent what happened. She also said she could tell Jonah was very loved. When I asked her what she meant she Sid that when she did his physical exam she was guessing he was between 2-3 years old before she looked at his records and saw he was 6 years old and that’s the sign of a very loved very happy dog. That made me feel good. I’ve never questioned if I were a good furbaby Mom, but it’s nice to actually hear that sometimes. Continue reading to see pictures of Jonah’s wound.

Jonah's cheek where the skin fell off

Jonah looks so sad in his cone collar

My best friend Camille sent me a link today that I can stamp as fact with my Jenny stamp for being true.

It was about the lack of mens commitment when their wife gets a serious illness. You can find it here.

When I got diagnosed with Fibro a lot of things changed in my marriage, and not for the good. It was around that time Brendan started to distance himself from me. I noticed he would spend more time in the basement, and less quality time with me. On my bad days he would take out his frustrations of my illness on me because he said he didn’t have anyone else to talk to. I noticed that I was walking on egg shells around him more, and his drinking gradually became more frequent.

It got to the point where we were not spending any time together, those egg shells I was walking on became glass, and the drinking had become a nightly occurance.

Toward the end of our marriage, I asked him if we could spend one night a month together. He said it was a lot to ask for and he didn’t know if he could commit to it because of work (he works part-time at Publix)

I guess a person just knows when it’s over and it was that moment I knew I had to get out of that toxic environment, and that my marriage was over.

Brendan and I signed the divorce papers on the 6th and turned them into the court. I have to come back January 7th to go to court to finalize the divorce. In Colorado you don’t have to go back to court. Sigh.

This has taken more than a toll on me. There were things said tonight that touched the very core of my heart. Not in a good way. It questions my very soul to the post important people in my life. The most important person in my life. I’m not sure what to do, or how to fix it. I thought things were completely opposite than the way they were presented. This goes back decades, even longer. I question who I really am as a person who has too big of a heart and so much love to share and I thought everything was understood and ok, but they aren’t. My very soul is questioned. Love is questioned.

I’ve been doing the right thing ever since 2003 and being the responsible adult doing the right thing, making the right decisions, and loving my friends and family for everything, but .. do they feel it like they deserve? It makes me feel that I’m damaged, that I have been, that it’s permanent. These things I will never forget tho they have been forgiven.

When games over ride a friend in need, where does one go. I don’t know anymore. When there is noting left to say, it’s simple. There is nothing left to say.

I never wanted this divorce. I did everything I could so it wouldn’t come to that, but it has. It’s not only hurting me, it’s hurting my Mom too and I feel that’s somehow my fault. I hate it. I hate all this.

Solution of being a hermit is starting to sound pretty good. I can’t hurt anyone that way. After tonight, I’m at my own breaking point, if it hasn’t happened already. Words are daggers, and they went straight into my soul, and hearts can be repaired. But the soul is a different thing altogether. Souls can just die. If my soul would be a person, it should be in ICU, but there is no such thing. It screams, burden. That’s stamped on my forehead for all to see. It’s what my soul screams and I’m so ashamed. There is no way of coming back from that.

Usually when I wake up in the morning I scroll through all the tweets I missed without really reading them. Not only did I go through each one this morning (I’m sure it was because coffee was still brewing) but I actually read each one. Before coffee!! HA!

Anyway, I found myself a little gem that will make a huge impact on my life. It was a quote. Not only was it exactly what I needed to hear, it was something I needed to believe. Sure, this divorce thing sucks. I’m selling the home I feel in love with without a future home (yet) in the future. I’m actually really trying to act normal as much as possible thinking it will help with the sadness and loss when really I want to curl up in bed and cry my eyes out for the next year with a good supply of kleenex. Can you imagine the monster of a headache you’d have after that? Whoa.

This came from Martin Allsop’s twitter page .. “We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us” – Joseph Campbell

Like I told my Mother, I want to get through this whole divorce, moving, etc. thing without any regrets which means I need to be unemotional for a moment to make rational thoughts. Good luck, right?

I was talking to Tiffany last night that I haven’t even heard from my in-laws in over a month. My Mother-in-law and I used to talk/email daily with lots of “I love you’s” and she would always start her letters with her nick name for me .. “Jenny Dear” .. it really hurts and makes me question the whole concept of “family” again. How can you love one of your family members one day, then never speak to them again? It just doesn’t make sense to me .. it just makes me sad, hurt, and in a way abandoned.

Moving forward .. the realtor will be out tomorrow to take pictures of our house and we’ll officially have it on the market with a virtual tour even, hurray!

We didn’t have him very long as his life was so short but in the almost year and a half since we’ve gotten to be his Mommy and Daddy he’s brought a lot of joy to our house and to our hearts.

Pepper passed away yesterday around 6:30 pm. Until we have the official results (heart murmur, aneurysm, etc) it doesn’t change the fact that our little guy is gone, Jonah’s little brother, and our bundle of joy.

Lots of tears have already fallen and I’m sure more tears are to come. I still have his scratches on my hand when we were playing the day before yesterday. The effects of him not being here have already been present in Jonah. They were so close, nearly hip to hip at all times. In fact here is the last picture that was taken of him.

We’re having him cremated and he will be coming home to us soon, just not the way we wanted him. We picked out his urn, one that is playful instead of sad.