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Halfway Home

Jenny — Sat, 14 Nov 2009 00:56:03 +0000

My best friend Camille sent me a link today that I can stamp as fact with my Jenny stamp for being true.

It was about the lack of mens commitment when their wife gets a serious illness. You can find it here.

When I got diagnosed with Fibro a lot of things changed in my marriage, and not for the good. It was around that time Brendan started to distance himself from me. I noticed he would spend more time in the basement, and less quality time with me. On my bad days he would take out his frustrations of my illness on me because he said he didn’t have anyone else to talk to. I noticed that I was walking on egg shells around him more, and his drinking gradually became more frequent.

It got to the point where we were not spending any time together, those egg shells I was walking on became glass, and the drinking had become a nightly occurance.

Toward the end of our marriage, I asked him if we could spend one night a month together. He said it was a lot to ask for and he didn’t know if he could commit to it because of work (he works part-time at Publix)

I guess a person just knows when it’s over and it was that moment I knew I had to get out of that toxic environment, and that my marriage was over.

Moving Forward

Jenny — Tue, 10 Nov 2009 07:54:48 +0000

Brendan and I signed the divorce papers on the 6th and turned them into the court. I have to come back January 7th to go to court to finalize the divorce. In Colorado you don’t have to go back to court. Sigh.

This has taken more than a toll on me. There were things said tonight that touched the very core of my heart. Not in a good way. It questions my very soul to the post important people in my life. The most important person in my life. I’m not sure what to do, or how to fix it. I thought things were completely opposite than the way they were presented. This goes back decades, even longer. I question who I really am as a person who has too big of a heart and so much love to share and I thought everything was understood and ok, but they aren’t. My very soul is questioned. Love is questioned.

I’ve been doing the right thing ever since 2003 and being the responsible adult doing the right thing, making the right decisions, and loving my friends and family for everything, but .. do they feel it like they deserve? It makes me feel that I’m damaged, that I have been, that it’s permanent. These things I will never forget tho they have been forgiven.

When games over ride a friend in need, where does one go. I don’t know anymore. When there is noting left to say, it’s simple. There is nothing left to say.

I never wanted this divorce. I did everything I could so it wouldn’t come to that, but it has. It’s not only hurting me, it’s hurting my Mom too and I feel that’s somehow my fault. I hate it. I hate all this.

Solution of being a hermit is starting to sound pretty good. I can’t hurt anyone that way. After tonight, I’m at my own breaking point, if it hasn’t happened already. Words are daggers, and they went straight into my soul, and hearts can be repaired. But the soul is a different thing altogether. Souls can just die. If my soul would be a person, it should be in ICU, but there is no such thing. It screams, burden. That’s stamped on my forehead for all to see. It’s what my soul screams and I’m so ashamed. There is no way of coming back from that.

Things happen when they need to

Jenny — Sun, 01 Nov 2009 16:14:20 +0000

Usually when I wake up in the morning I scroll through all the tweets I missed without really reading them. Not only did I go through each one this morning (I’m sure it was because coffee was still brewing) but I actually read each one. Before coffee!! HA!

Anyway, I found myself a little gem that will make a huge impact on my life. It was a quote. Not only was it exactly what I needed to hear, it was something I needed to believe. Sure, this divorce thing sucks. I’m selling the home I feel in love with without a future home (yet) in the future. I’m actually really trying to act normal as much as possible thinking it will help with the sadness and loss when really I want to curl up in bed and cry my eyes out for the next year with a good supply of kleenex. Can you imagine the monster of a headache you’d have after that? Whoa.

This came from Martin Allsop’s twitter page .. “We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us” – Joseph Campbell

Like I told my Mother, I want to get through this whole divorce, moving, etc. thing without any regrets which means I need to be unemotional for a moment to make rational thoughts. Good luck, right?

I was talking to Tiffany last night that I haven’t even heard from my in-laws in over a month. My Mother-in-law and I used to talk/email daily with lots of “I love you’s” and she would always start her letters with her nick name for me .. “Jenny Dear” .. it really hurts and makes me question the whole concept of “family” again. How can you love one of your family members one day, then never speak to them again? It just doesn’t make sense to me .. it just makes me sad, hurt, and in a way abandoned.

Moving forward .. the realtor will be out tomorrow to take pictures of our house and we’ll officially have it on the market with a virtual tour even, hurray!

Family Rejection – Family Love

Jenny — Wed, 16 Sep 2009 19:37:21 +0000

I’ve been asleep for the majority of yesterday and half of today. I’m a bit depressed I think (think? know?) Seems that when it rains it pours and in my forecast there is deadly flooding ahead. All of it has to do with rejection from family.

Things with my Uncle Jim (now known as Jim) didn’t go. Nothing he said was the truth. The most I got from him was a pat on the back, and a hello. He didn’t talk to me like he promised, he didn’t call me right before the party like he promised. Why is it so hard for people to keep their word when it really matters? When it’s really going to make an impact on another persons life? Apparently Jim felt that a pat on the back and him saying hello would erase the last decade he told me to stay away from the family. I don’t understand the insensitivity when it comes to a little effort on ones part to do the right thing.

Then we have my Aunt Charlene (now known as Charlene) who asked me if I wanted anything from Grandma Berry’s around the time she died. The only thing I asked for that was meaningful to me was the china that my Father brought to my Grandmother from Korea. Ever since I was a child my Father used to show me those pieces of China and Charlene is calling me a liar when I tell her which pieces they are. Charlene hasn’t hardly been here until my Father died. I could probably count the times she’s been to see my Grandmother on two hands from the time I was a baby to the time my Father died. The rest of the time my family has taken care of for 29 years. Charlene claims in an email that she’s been behind me on everything, and I can’t think of a single thing she’s ever been behind me for. She hardly knows me. I asked Mom about it and Mom doesn’t have a clue what she’s taking about. The other thing is, I’m the ONLY grandchild left out of the will. In fact, I’m the ONLY one left out of the will period. I believe even her great-grandchildren were on it. That’s been such a huge amount of loss and rejection right there. I didn’t want any money. I wanted validation I was loved, and that’s not something I ever got.

The third thing is my husband. We didn’t exactly part in good terms. In fact, he was supposed to be here with me now. So many people were so excited to see him, including family and friends and again I have to explain why he’s not here, again. It meant so much to my Grandmother that he would be here for her 90th birthday. To see her hurt makes me see red, because it was an extension of me that did that damage to the one remaining Grandmother that I have no doubt loves me. My husband wants us to keep our emails light and simple, but nothing right now in my life is light and simple, except for one small thing….

Molly can now go up and down a huge flight of stairs all by herself.

Now I struggle on staying here or going home. What I need right now is family. I need my Mom, my Grandmother, my cousin Tina. What I also need is friends, the friends I left behind. The friends that have already called me, worried about me, wanting to see me. That’s not something I have in Georgia. I need to be surrounded by love, and I need a place to go when things aren’t going so great.

I just don’t know what to do right now. I know my heart hurts and each piece hurts for a different reason and it’s something I have to overcome, somehow.

In Memory of Pepper

Jenny — Fri, 29 May 2009 21:59:59 +0000

We didn’t have him very long as his life was so short but in the almost year and a half since we’ve gotten to be his Mommy and Daddy he’s brought a lot of joy to our house and to our hearts.

Pepper passed away yesterday around 6:30 pm. Until we have the official results (heart murmur, aneurysm, etc) it doesn’t change the fact that our little guy is gone, Jonah’s little brother, and our bundle of joy.

Lots of tears have already fallen and I’m sure more tears are to come. I still have his scratches on my hand when we were playing the day before yesterday. The effects of him not being here have already been present in Jonah. They were so close, nearly hip to hip at all times. In fact here is the last picture that was taken of him.

We’re having him cremated and he will be coming home to us soon, just not the way we wanted him. We picked out his urn, one that is playful instead of sad.