.:: Yolospat ::.

Brendan and I signed the divorce papers on the 6th and turned them into the court. I have to come back January 7th to go to court to finalize the divorce. In Colorado you don’t have to go back to court. Sigh.

This has taken more than a toll on me. There were things said tonight that touched the very core of my heart. Not in a good way. It questions my very soul to the post important people in my life. The most important person in my life. I’m not sure what to do, or how to fix it. I thought things were completely opposite than the way they were presented. This goes back decades, even longer. I question who I really am as a person who has too big of a heart and so much love to share and I thought everything was understood and ok, but they aren’t. My very soul is questioned. Love is questioned.

I’ve been doing the right thing ever since 2003 and being the responsible adult doing the right thing, making the right decisions, and loving my friends and family for everything, but .. do they feel it like they deserve? It makes me feel that I’m damaged, that I have been, that it’s permanent. These things I will never forget tho they have been forgiven.

When games over ride a friend in need, where does one go. I don’t know anymore. When there is noting left to say, it’s simple. There is nothing left to say.

I never wanted this divorce. I did everything I could so it wouldn’t come to that, but it has. It’s not only hurting me, it’s hurting my Mom too and I feel that’s somehow my fault. I hate it. I hate all this.

Solution of being a hermit is starting to sound pretty good. I can’t hurt anyone that way. After tonight, I’m at my own breaking point, if it hasn’t happened already. Words are daggers, and they went straight into my soul, and hearts can be repaired. But the soul is a different thing altogether. Souls can just die. If my soul would be a person, it should be in ICU, but there is no such thing. It screams, burden. That’s stamped on my forehead for all to see. It’s what my soul screams and I’m so ashamed. There is no way of coming back from that.

Usually when I wake up in the morning I scroll through all the tweets I missed without really reading them. Not only did I go through each one this morning (I’m sure it was because coffee was still brewing) but I actually read each one. Before coffee!! HA!

Anyway, I found myself a little gem that will make a huge impact on my life. It was a quote. Not only was it exactly what I needed to hear, it was something I needed to believe. Sure, this divorce thing sucks. I’m selling the home I feel in love with without a future home (yet) in the future. I’m actually really trying to act normal as much as possible thinking it will help with the sadness and loss when really I want to curl up in bed and cry my eyes out for the next year with a good supply of kleenex. Can you imagine the monster of a headache you’d have after that? Whoa.

This came from Martin Allsop’s twitter page .. “We must let go of the life we have planned, so as to accept the one that is waiting for us” – Joseph Campbell

Like I told my Mother, I want to get through this whole divorce, moving, etc. thing without any regrets which means I need to be unemotional for a moment to make rational thoughts. Good luck, right?

I was talking to Tiffany last night that I haven’t even heard from my in-laws in over a month. My Mother-in-law and I used to talk/email daily with lots of “I love you’s” and she would always start her letters with her nick name for me .. “Jenny Dear” .. it really hurts and makes me question the whole concept of “family” again. How can you love one of your family members one day, then never speak to them again? It just doesn’t make sense to me .. it just makes me sad, hurt, and in a way abandoned.

Moving forward .. the realtor will be out tomorrow to take pictures of our house and we’ll officially have it on the market with a virtual tour even, hurray!

I can’t sleep. Mostly due to anxiety over tomorrow. I’m having the nerves in my lower back burned off since all forms of trying to elevate the pain has failed. To be perfectly honest I don’t think the pain in my back is the fibro talking. I’m getting to the point where I can tell the fibro pain from the arthritis pain and my back pain as well as my knee pain are definitely from the arthritis.

After saying that you might think of me as an old woman who’s had her kids which left the nest a long time ago and that my days are spent gardening happy humming in my retirement. When I was in high school I used to think that 30′s were the responsible adults who somehow grew lame and boring the minute of their 30th birthday.

To be perfectly honest I still feel like I’m in my early 20′s because I can’t wrap my mind around how time continues to go faster the older I get. I remember hearing this from my parents growing up and being a child there was no way I could understand it until now as I’m experiencing it. Sigh.

I sometimes feel that I hardly see the dust trails before the second lap is halfway through. I know it is something I’ll never catch again, like I could when I had tea parties with the mad hatter when I was once pretending to be Alice.

I just got an email from my boss and I’ve never felt like such a piece of shit which my work at this company than I do now. The emails I get don’t reflect anything relating to such. The emails I get back are “good job! Your great! We love you! Thank goodness your there! You are always there and always the most helpful”!

I don’t know what to do. I love my job 99% of the time. I live and breath my job. But then when your boss changes it goes from old boss saying “I couldn’t do it without you” to new boss saying “My way or the highway, I will not accept anything less” so everything I have learned in my job I’m having to unlearn in accordance to new boss.

New boss has never been in tech support. Fort the last 5 years I’ve lived and breathed tech support. I actually planned on living out my career here. Now I’m working harder not only here but at home and when I get a huge project done to help my team it’s shot down and I get 10 canines.

I’ve never been so confused.