I’m the type of person that believes everything happens for a reason. Case in point while reading this article today called “Raise Your Expectations” written by Rob Parnell which speaks of the trouble I’ve been having as an artist and writer. Up until I was in my mid 20′s I depended more on other’s opinions about myself, my abilities, and my self-worth. It was great when I got good feedback which only made me strive to do better but when I didn’t get the feedback I had hoped for I took it so personally that I let it crush me and those dangerous seeds of doubt were planted in my mind. Most times I took other’s opinions as fact regardless if they were qualified to make such judgements or not and instead of taking their words with a grain of salt I would take it to heart lowering my self-worth instead of striving to overcome my faults and improve my talents.
It wasn’t until I moved to Florida back in 2005 when I started finding confidence within myself, my decisions, and my life. I put all my time and energy into my job learning as much as I could as quickly as I could and when I found my husband I never once thought anything could stop my uphill climb. When I got sick, lost my best friend, job, husband, and house I not only took a major face plant, but I didn’t even try to get back up on my feet again. I waved my white flag in defeat believing that that was the end of me. I erased all the hopes and dreams I had once had and replaced those with negativity, self-pity, depression, and filled up the emptiness with what-if’s, and what-might-have-beens. I convinced myself that everything bad that’s ever happened to me was somehow my fault or that I deserved it and that my purpose in life was to be other people’s punching bags and doormats to wipe their muddy boots on. I ALLOWED myself to believe that not because it was true but because my hope meter was on empty and I didn’t know how to change that. I didn’t think that I had the power within me to try.
When I first moved back to Colorado I started writing, a LOT. I would fill a 5′ 9″ 400 page journal front and back every few months. I poured all the poison within me onto those pages letting my subconscious take over, taking the poison out of me and along with my art I slowly started to heal. I think I was on my 4th journal when I re-read that first journal and realized that I was at a different place in my mind and heart than I was when I first vomited up the bile through a pen onto page after page and realized that through words and through writing, I’ve always managed to keep some sort of balance in my life. It was the times I didn’t write when I would self-destruct and life got off kilter, no matter what the circumstance. I started reading old journals from high school, and from middle school all the way back to my very first journals that started in elementary school and through my own words I saw that I grew with each journal, and with each year, through each problem, with each heartache. I started reading my old poetry and saw my growth from the first one I’d ever written to the last one. Since all things happen for a reason, and they happen when they are supposed to, finding my biological family couldn’t have come at a more perfect time. It was the first time I felt I deserved to be happy.
With my newfound confidence that came from within I allowed myself to be happy, because I deserved to be. My glass when from being half empty to half full. Next thing I know, I’ve reconciled with my husband and even though he never really left my life or heart – he returned with a freshness that was new again and lovely. I learned acceptance, forgiveness, and the voids that were ever present the last 32 years of my life were full for the first time. I learned who I was, and allowed myself to love myself. I learned what unconditional truly meant and said goodbye to the haunting ghosts of the past so I could focus on the rainbows of tomorrow. I’ve also learned to listen better to life’s whispers instead of waiting for life to smack me across the head with a fry pan to get my attention. With that, I’ve learned to trust my heart.
Sure, I still have bad days and the occasional moments when I feel sorry for myself but as each day those times grow less and less and my focus is on what really matters. There has always been people in my life who have believed in me, but I don’t really think a person can accept that until they find that belief within themselves. So what holds me back these days? Only I can hold me back and with that knowledge I become a little more free. My focus now is completing that word free, and turning it into free-DOM and I know I’ll get there, someday.
